Monthly Archives: December 2012

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Doctors/ pills/ waiting lists


Thursday and Friday felt like a week and a half.  I  was so busy at work and I brought work home to get caught up, but now its friday night, been home for an hour or so just starting to relax.  I was so anxious this morning, I had to take the anxiety meds to calm down so I could get some work done.  I am trying not to control things… I am trying not to distrust everything, but to trust God.  How does one do tha?  It sounds so simple doesn’t it.  It sounds fluffy too.  ” I just put all my trust in the Lord” say that with high-pitched whiny voice.  actually, it takes some work.  The weak animal in the herd is targeted by the predator, and wants to make it – it’s dinner.  The weak-minded or those who struggle, are the weak in the herd, and are targeted by the devil to devour.  A little dramatic, but in the spiritual realm, true. When you trust in God in the fluffy way, its like taking a spoon and trying to bent it with your mind—“I can do it- It will bend – I think I can, I think I can” Picture a guy- little fists- eyes crunched up and willing with all his might for this to happen.  Sometimes we do that with God too.  “I will trust in him, I will trust in him I will trust in him”  picture same guy same face.  The problem with that kind of thinking is one letter  “i” I will trust, we can’t do it. If you bungee jump, you say to yourself “I can do this thing, I can do this , I trust the cord, I trust the cord”  But you know untill you get to the end of the cord there is always a glimmer of doubt.  The bible says that through Jesus all things are possible.  You can also take that in a fluffy way.  picture previous reference.  But Think of it this way. Back to John 1 The word became flesh, he is the light of the world, he came to save us.  What are you putting flesh to?  I am trying not to be in control of things.  I want to control things because I am out of control.  But if I decide to trust God there is a handing over, and  a follow-up.  You simply can’t say “Lord I hand this to you”, cause you will follow-up with’ Ah wait a minute , almost done with it, Yes you can have it, no you can’t ” and back and forth it goes.

I am learning that following up a statement like “Lord I pray to you I am unable to handle this — I don’t understand it, but I give it to you, I am your humble servant, have mercy on me”  Now to leave it there, you must put flesh to your words.  Repeating what you believe in is a way to trust in God.  When my mind is raging with negativity and darkness and they are demanding, screaming at me to give their words flesh, I repeat what I believe in.

I believe in
God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended to the dead.* On the third day he rose again; he ascended
into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come to
judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy
catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the
resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.  Amen.

Stating what I believe helps me trust in God and gain the peace I need to carry on.

I know sounds simple, but you have to work at it, it doesn’t come naturally but it can save you.

So how do I explain a day like yesterday and today….. Well Yesterday was Doctor day.  I had lots going on at work, meetings, computer work, all kinds of stuff.  I ran out to the doctor and had to wait 10 minutes, as I was waiting my heart started to race, I knew I was heading into an anxiety attack.  I get called into the doctor I sit, she asks me whats going on, what can I do for you.  I start to shake — I think she thought I was having a stroke… The tears start, I am trying to catch my breath and basically fall apart.  My 10 minute apt last and hour and half.   So in the end I had a choice, switch meds, up meds or stay the same and make a psychiatrist apt. We did two out of them all.  She upped my meds, I am now at the max for all of them.  My psychiatrist apt will be in 2 months — Thank you waiting lists. 😦 but hopefully it will happen  sooner than later I will be reassessed, and I am sure I will be introduced to new drugs and as hell, as switching will be, maybe in the long run it will be better. Today I was on the verge of an anxiety attack this morning.  I could feel it coming on, I left the office headed to the staff room and took my anxiety pill in the bathroom, and sat there till things calmed down.  They did after a bit– the stronger drugs take less time to work. Good thing I guess.

So how does trusting God help me in these absolutely uncontrolled situations.  Instead of looking at what I can’t trust, I look at what I can trust.  God is with me- absolute never let me down trust.  I state what I believe, so I can be reminded that yes my mind does believe in something that is trust worthy. I say the words and give my words flesh, cause I would rather give God words with flesh, than negativity flesh and fall farther and faster than I can stop, cause I can’t trust me and I can’t stop it. But all things are possible through Jesus Christ.  I pray to him repeat the words he has given us and believe.

If you can’t stand up for what you believe in — Or you believe in nothing — then sit down and die.

exhausted tonight

that is all for now, till next time………………………..

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Week before Christmas


A week before Christmas.  I spent an hour or so with my Pastor last night. Today I can say that I am really glad that I went. I’m feeling some peace.  I made some decisions today and I think moving forward in a good way.

Last night however when I got home I was very anxious and upset.  It wasn’t anything he said, he said nothing but straight answers and in kindness and love.  I was anxious, and in a panic because the darkness felt threatened.  I had a huge urge to get rip roaring drunk.  I only had one glass of wine– not a small one but I eventually managed to get myself talked down — at 2 in the morning– but I got there and got some sleep.

Today.  I have some peace.  Every once in a while my heart will race and I feel the grip of anxiety.  I have to say that I admitted some things that have been hidden.  I haven’t been eating and last time I prayed with my husband and my Pastor and confessed it I did better.  I was starting to eat more and then fell off the wagon again.  I am working on getting back to it again.  If I don’t get to it today or tomorrow — Christmas is on its way — I will get back to it then.

I decided to go back to the doctor and I called and made the apt today, I go tomorrow and I will get a referral to where ever my family doctor thinks I should be going.   I told my husband today and he was a little freaked because I was so Not going before.  I discussed this last night and I think I need a second opinion on what I am taking and the right combination and if I have other options.  When my husband heard this he responded I totally agree, finally.  What? What do you mean finally.  He has wanted to suggest this for a while now but was afraid I would get upset.  It surprised me.

Over the past while I have been slowly becoming undone.  The more I became undone the more I tried to control things.  As I spent time in the bible and read the word of God and tried to practically crawl in the book the more I wanted to understand and the more I wanted to control.  The devil is cunning.  He took my scripture and twisted it in my mind to confuse me, he done well, the more I became confused the more I wanted to control things.  I can control the house and what happens here, I can control what I put or not put in my mouth, I dislike myself I can control the things I do, how much I push myself, how much I work out.  Then soon you are at a point that you distrust everything you think, and those around you. I have had some situations dealing with some difficult family members lately that just keep that ball rolling. I was distrusting Christmas, it spirit, its purpose.  I can take you to the point you distrust God.  You distrust your purpose here on earth and why you should even be here.  You try to control your surrounding, your urges, your body.  Your control flows into what you think or what you understand.  That is where I am or working through now.  I wanted to understand passages in the bible but as my Pastor asked me what specifically I want to know, where was I confused.  I have to admit I was stumped.  I could not articulate what it was I needed to know.  And that is the funny thing about it all.  I was so angry for not being in control, I was so desiring to be in control, and my distrust of all things, people, humanity, and yes the bible and even God. was so great.  The devil had done a fine job of confusing me.  I was so turned around I wasn’t even sure as to what I had to understand.

So what now…..its so simple but I– so missed its meaning.  Pastor plainly said instead of distrust just trust God.  God has allowed this illness in my life.  Trust that God knows what he is doing.  Trust that God will lead you to the right doctors to heal or help you. Trust that the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords is supreme.  Trust that Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice for me.  Say this sentence, out loud–” Jesus the Lord of Lords, God’s son, My brother, The word that became flesh, the babe in the manger, died as an adult on the cross, so that I could come closer, He created me and loves me”.  Saying, Jesus sacrificed for us is so general, sometimes we need to make it personal and say it out loud, because when we say these things out loud, we can scare the devil into retreat.

I had said last night that I feel so lost- and I hate to say feel because depression is as much physical and biological as emotional.  Maybe even more so.  I have felt that I was the lost sheep and no one was searching for me.  It was pointed out to me that I was in the pen.  I was part of the flock, I wasn’t lost but found and was anxious cause I was in the pen and could not hear his voice, however I was in a safe place that my anxiety was making me blind to.

So today– this day. I feel some of the weight lifted off me.  I feel like I am in front of the fire place, just inside from a frosty night.  I am covered in layers that I put on me to protect me from the cold and I am starting to shed them one at a time.   Well I get to a point that I will feel like me? Not tonight, maybe not tomorrow. God knows and I need to trust him on that.  That is my project on the next few days, learn to trust God not distrust all that going wrong in my life. I will use God’s words to cloke me in his trust. – As soon as I spend some time in the bible to find the correct words to cloke myself in.

As for this evening. … Iam exhausted – I have had very little sleep over the past few days and not much in food either–I am too tired to eat…. tomorrow is a staff potluck. so I’ll catch up then.

till next time………………..

 

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Strangers and best friends


I mentioned that I have been putting up with a lot of negative attitude towards depression lately.  It is truly unbelievable the names I have been called over the past couple of weeks from people who do not know I am suffering from depression and the demons I am fighting.   The stigma that goes along with this is unbelievable.  I knew about depression and the demons people faced before I became one of them. I knew it was tough and I knew it was something they could not control.  But like the old saying goes “walk a mile in their shoes” .  When did our society become so anti-compassionate?  Or maybe its me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have to stop, I am too fragile to just continue to put it out there.  I do not have a poker face and I need to work on it, cause people just stomp on people.  Everyone seems to be a critic.

So my question tonight is. Has society, due to instant media, instant gratification become instantly intolerant to people around them?

I grew up on a small town, on a farm.  When someone when through tough times everyone chipped in and helped.  When my Dad was killed, 16 years ago,  the day after people just showed up with food.  We had so much food that we filled two fridges and a table on the front porch, It was winter so it was cold, but thank God cause we couldn’t eat it fast enough.

Or is it conditioning from TV.  I have a teenaged daughter, she doesn’t watch them any more but there was a time where she watched shows that were like the movie Mean Girls.  It drove me nuts cause I hated the way people talked on these shows.  Even a show like Glee, and the music is cool, there is this underlying theme of ” I am going to get you” in the show.  Have we conditioned society to this way of thinking?

So in a nut shell here is how I am feeling and thinking at 12:30 Saturday night,I guess its really Sunday morning.  I have had so many negative comments, cutting comments, made towards me in the past few weeks.  I look at this sentence and think — my readers are going to think I am a bitch! ( please forgive the word, but it fits ) I really am not.  I feel so deeply for those who suffer.  It breaks my heart to see people in pain, and people who are lost and in need of the one true God.  Just like me.  But people, have never understood me, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it gets broke.  Maybe that is the problem pure and simple.  I put the heart out there cause I feel for people and people tramp on it, usually due to their own demons they are fighting.    I am not doing that any more.  At least with those who are family or people I know well.  I will put it out there for the student at my highschool who cuts themselves, or the student who is suffering from anorexia or the student who is suffering or hurting, cause someone has to put it out there for them.  They just want to be heard, they just want someone – esp a adult to give a dam.

My heart hurts so much, it is such a deep pit of pain,  except for my best friends – I will not put my heart out there to be trampled on. I just can’t do it anymore.  I will not admit to those who know I am suffering cause some of them don’t get it.  I know they want to help but don’t know what to say.  So I will admit nothing, let them off the hook and avoid stupid insensitive comments. To those who cutting comments have come my way lately– I will never admit I have an illness — to do so admits that I am less than I am and it also is something they can’t wrap their heads around and I do not what their useless sympathy and pathitic looks in their eyes as they think— Oh brothers can’t she just count her blessing s and get over it!  If that was something I could do — do you think I would be on the heavy duty medication  I am on, and in the pain I feel in my soul?

till next time…………………

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lables


so I have said previous post I am down.  It’s not darkness, evil, or anything crowding me its just down.   A pit deep in my heart.  I do not understand why.  But people do not help.  Ignorance to depression and what it means makes me so angry to people who think  Oh just buck up and get a grip!

When my friend’s son killed himself , a friend of mine whose daughter went to school with him and heard his valedictorian speech said Oh ya him well he was a different sort, ya well that makes sence!   How I managed not to hit him is beyond me — I think I was in shock.

My brother this past weekend called me thin-skinned and whiny.  Great!

A friend said I was melancholy this week and maybe it was something some creative outlet would correct.

There was a student at work that was flushed and couldn’t string two words together.  She couldn’t sit in her chair, rolling all over the place.  She suffers from depression and is a cutter.  Her arm was so infected her body was going into shock.  She had also smoked some weed and crack and taken some pain killers.  I didn’t know about the drugs, but I looked into her eyes and saw that she was going into shock probably from the drugs and the infection.  I called the Mom and told her what was happening.  Mom said call an ambulance I’ll meet her at the hospital.  I told went back to the class told the teacher in charge Mom wants an ambulance and I would make the call.  I go to the office. V.P. and Principal look at me cancel the ambulance cause — well what for!  They cancelled it called the Mom re looked at the student –30minutes later call and the police and ambulance drivers show – take her -and she spent the night in the psych ward and is now hooked up with the right people to help her.  Bottom line is — mental illness is not a serious illness —

Its bad enough to feel crazy and unsure it’s another for stupid people to make you feel worthless cause of an illness they don’t understand and you can’t control.

till next time…………….

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The Blues


I am down this week.  I am fighting it best I can.  I am being very careful. Watching the right shows that don’t bring me down even more. Listening to the right music, cause the blues can really bring you down more, so I am trying to be up beat. I am reading a something about how God worked through Mary with her virgin birth. How God uses the weak to show the strong who God is and how wonderful and mighty he is.  I look at my nativity’s around my house a the baby Jesus and see true humility.  God’s son, just how we are to come to him.  Humble, helpless, needing a father to teach, guid,e and raise us into his grown children.  It is the example of the true approach to God.  And Jesus the word becoming flesh to be with in us, to be our Shepard and again help us to learn to spread the good news and teach others about our Father Lord God and his Son and his Holy Spirit.

All these words are truth.  All these words define God, Christmas, and all he has done for us. I believe all of it.  ………………………………

BUT

You were waiting for that weren’t you……….. but, in the pit of my heart beside the truth is the pain of depression that blackens my heart and soul.  It has made me very angry this week, I can not raise up this pit.  I am sinking more and more as the week passes.  I believe that God does care and works through me to show love to others.  I have a tatoo of a heart with a vine to representing John 15 on my forearm, I put my heart on my sleeve and I have the triune God symbol on my back to remind me that God always has my back.   But my heart hurts, I hide my forearm tatoo, I am tired of having my heart-broken and I am building a wall to keep it safe.

How do I reconcile what I truly believe; with the depression that clouds my heart.  This is the question that digs the deepest.

till next time…………….

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Redefining the Christmas Story Dec 1/2012


So I have been in a redefine mood.  I was thinking about this last night.  I have rearranged the furniture in the house.  I have thrown out bags and bags of clothes, things, junk, and papers, that have been cluttering up my house.   We pulled up carpet (well we had a leak and it wrecked the carpet) we put in new hard wood, painted my bathroom.  Finished refinishing my dinning room table and the hutch.  As I think of all the stuff I have done over the past year– I have done alot of stuff! Jeepers!!!  I am not as latharjic as I thought! Great!

Since summer I have been stuck on the bible vs from John chapter One.  I think stuck on is a bad word for it, obsessed with it.  It has been obsessed with me t0o.  I have come across this word in so many books, sermons, converstaions, out of the blue, in the past 6 months there is something that I am supposed to glean from it.

See Below:

John 1

The Word Became Flesh

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

6 There was a man sent from God whose name was John. 7 He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. 8 He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.

9 The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. 10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 11 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— 13 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

15 (John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’”) 16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 18 No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is himself God and[b] is in closest relationship with the Father, has made him known.

First incounter with this verse.  In the summer this verse started haunting me, to the point that during a camping trip I cornered my former pastor and we had a huge discussion on it.  The discussion then went from the word becoming flesh to the word being as he put it digested with in me as a fight against the depression that I suffer from.    He explained that the word- or God’s word became flesh with Jesus.  The word can also be thoughts of God, Spirit of God, Knowledge of God.  Jesus was there in the beginning when the world was made and God had spoken of this through the prophets.  So the word came earth, Jesus came to earth through his birth through Mary.

The word became flesh. A few months ago I was having a bad time and the devil was hammering at me hard.  I was close to walking away from the church.  How can I say that— and be a strong christian.  Well,  I am only strong with God.  My mind was lieing to me at a time when I was very depressed, that my faith was not going to make me better and I was in such heart pain in a dark hole, that I was unable to think straight.   I got through this by holding onto the vs the word became flesh.  I was not going to put flesh to the words that the darkness so desperatly wanted me to say. My mantra became ” I will not put flesh to those words” I repeated it over and over, untill the darkness left.

Hope:  the vs “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  The darkness has not overcome it.  Most of my days I hold this hope.  The light shines beyond the darkness and we have hope and protection in the light.  I have learned that the darkness is not peace but turmoil and screaming.  The light is the place we need to hide in from the darkness, and receive life.

My Nativity.   I have adopted these verses as my nativity story.  My Christmas story.  I am not saying the Nativity did not happen I believe that to be historical fact.   This is the nativity from the Holy Spirit point of view. Jesus is apart of God and the Holy Spirit makes know to us what God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit are about and their love and their word. I think this is what is giving me the peace I have been feeling.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

For now I will stop here more to come later

Till next time……………..

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Christmas


I decided I hate Christmas, I guess I should define that abit.  I love decorating the house, buying presents for my kids, spending time in church. I hate family that insist on making their christmas their way by being rude, hurtful and threatening.  I remember why I wanted to go away for christmas last year, I couldn’t handle the family and I hate being with a bunch of rude people who like nothing better to do than pick on everylittle thing to make you feel small.

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December 2012


So its December now and I was decorating the house and getting into Christmas mode this past weekend.  I was thinking about the Season as it approached and the Ghosts of Christmas past.  I wrote a lot about the negitiveness that followed me over the past years.  My Depression started in full force two Christmas’ ago and I was thinking as I sorted through the good decorations and tired ones, where am I this year.   (Sorting was the theme of the day at my house this past weekend)

I am not in the movie “A Christmas Carol” this year.  The Ghosts are not here or near this time.  I am in a better place.  I think some of it has to do with breaking tradition and running away last year to Mexico with my husband and kids for a week.  This year I am breaking of tradition again.  I think this is what is helping me this year.   I have redefined my Christmas story.  How I want to celebrate it, even what  bible vs to define it.

 I will explain.  We have done the traditional things each year.  We help out with Care and Share at our church and attend the kids program for Christmas Eve service at 7:30 and then we head to our neighbours for a drink and home.  Christmas day has always been a back and forth thing.  The day at one parents, boxing day at the other side, and both sides of the family take turns hosting.  Same old same old.  The last time we did this I was deeply depressed didn’t have a diagnosis and didn’t know what was wrong with me, and was not on medication.  My husband’s family saw this as a pout fest on my part and I was ridiculed for being anti social.  My side of the family we decided to stop the Christmas gift exchange and have a gift party, or rodeo.  Buy a gift, no name, but wrapped, play a game to see who gets it.  My sister-in-law showed up with 4 of the same gifts.  It wasn’t that exciting.  She got mad cause she realized she didn’t understand the game.  A day later we were back at home and I had been begging my husband to go to Florida instead for Christmas.  He conceded and said that maybe we should have gone.  I cried for an hour.

 Last year we went to Mexico the 4 of us as a family.  It was wonderful. A week in the sun at a resort. We were all so happy and all relaxed it was the best thing we ever did as a family.  We told the rest of the family that they were to continue on their own and not to buy us anything cause we were spending all our money on this trip.  BEST thing ever.  It was a real bonding time with the kids especially as one is now in college, 4 hour drive away, and the other is working part time and in grade 11.

This year I decided to try something different.  It is my year to host on both sides of the family, believe it or not this is a blessing from God.  Boxing Day I am having a Family Christmas Party.  Inviting both sides of the family on the same day and party. I sent out invitations, asked them not to bring presents, but come prepared to have some fun and a celebration of family. No sit down dinner, lots of appetizers.  We have some games to play and it should (praying to God for this one) be Great.  In the process of my husband and I discussing this I started to get excited about Christmas.  I have to say I haven’t said that in a few years.  It really has felt liberating.  No running around finding stuff no one wants. No menu prep for large dinners.  The lack of shopping and the more we have spent time just enjoying the season the better it is getting.  Well its only December 3rd I am praying for this.  My only fear is not the season and what it will do to me I think I am ready to face it.  Well at least today I am ready.  My fear is that I have become chemically unbalanced and have a fall. 

I also have one family member who does not understand what I am going through.  I have tried to tell her – three times I have tried to tell her—she thinks I am angry at her and hate her and she does not hear anything I say to her.  I do not on both accounts. (hate or angry at her) I would just like to finish a sentence so she gets it.  I have come to realize that sometimes its better not to even try, some people don’t hear, period, unless its about them.

Sunday the phrase “doing it for God” came out in some bible readings.  Do all you do for God, has always been a hard thing to grasp.  But I saw it with clarity on Sunday.  I have always thought do everything you do to the Glory of God.  Forgiveness to the nith degree, Loving everyone to the nith degree, Doing my Job, raising my kids, etc. etc. to the nith perfect degree.  It has always put a burden on me.  I have a hard time trying to connect doing something — for God, and trying very hard but mostly failing at it and feeling like I am letting God down. Yesterday, however,  it struck me that I decorated my house for Christmas to the Glory of God.  It was so easy. I didn’t clutter my house with lots of stuff,  I didn’t over decorate,  I had thrown out a lot of old stuff I strung every where.  I just decorated simply to please God not anyone else.  I did it for the happiness of the season, and God filled me with stress free, liberating, joy.  It was amazing.   It seems like a simple thing.  God wants the simple things.  Two years ago I took a couple of things out kicked the rest in the storage room and didn’t really do much.  Last year I did just as much cause we were going away for Christmas.  This year I pulled everything out, used the best of what I had and decorated for God.

This has put me in a real sense of peace for this week.  I can’t say that I am on top of the world.  There are a few dips this week but for the most part it is not darkness approaching its a case of feeling a little sad, but I have been able to shake it off.

 

That is all for now, till next time……………………