A week before Christmas.  I spent an hour or so with my Pastor last night. Today I can say that I am really glad that I went. I’m feeling some peace.  I made some decisions today and I think moving forward in a good way.

Last night however when I got home I was very anxious and upset.  It wasn’t anything he said, he said nothing but straight answers and in kindness and love.  I was anxious, and in a panic because the darkness felt threatened.  I had a huge urge to get rip roaring drunk.  I only had one glass of wine– not a small one but I eventually managed to get myself talked down — at 2 in the morning– but I got there and got some sleep.

Today.  I have some peace.  Every once in a while my heart will race and I feel the grip of anxiety.  I have to say that I admitted some things that have been hidden.  I haven’t been eating and last time I prayed with my husband and my Pastor and confessed it I did better.  I was starting to eat more and then fell off the wagon again.  I am working on getting back to it again.  If I don’t get to it today or tomorrow — Christmas is on its way — I will get back to it then.

I decided to go back to the doctor and I called and made the apt today, I go tomorrow and I will get a referral to where ever my family doctor thinks I should be going.   I told my husband today and he was a little freaked because I was so Not going before.  I discussed this last night and I think I need a second opinion on what I am taking and the right combination and if I have other options.  When my husband heard this he responded I totally agree, finally.  What? What do you mean finally.  He has wanted to suggest this for a while now but was afraid I would get upset.  It surprised me.

Over the past while I have been slowly becoming undone.  The more I became undone the more I tried to control things.  As I spent time in the bible and read the word of God and tried to practically crawl in the book the more I wanted to understand and the more I wanted to control.  The devil is cunning.  He took my scripture and twisted it in my mind to confuse me, he done well, the more I became confused the more I wanted to control things.  I can control the house and what happens here, I can control what I put or not put in my mouth, I dislike myself I can control the things I do, how much I push myself, how much I work out.  Then soon you are at a point that you distrust everything you think, and those around you. I have had some situations dealing with some difficult family members lately that just keep that ball rolling. I was distrusting Christmas, it spirit, its purpose.  I can take you to the point you distrust God.  You distrust your purpose here on earth and why you should even be here.  You try to control your surrounding, your urges, your body.  Your control flows into what you think or what you understand.  That is where I am or working through now.  I wanted to understand passages in the bible but as my Pastor asked me what specifically I want to know, where was I confused.  I have to admit I was stumped.  I could not articulate what it was I needed to know.  And that is the funny thing about it all.  I was so angry for not being in control, I was so desiring to be in control, and my distrust of all things, people, humanity, and yes the bible and even God. was so great.  The devil had done a fine job of confusing me.  I was so turned around I wasn’t even sure as to what I had to understand.

So what now…..its so simple but I– so missed its meaning.  Pastor plainly said instead of distrust just trust God.  God has allowed this illness in my life.  Trust that God knows what he is doing.  Trust that God will lead you to the right doctors to heal or help you. Trust that the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords is supreme.  Trust that Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice for me.  Say this sentence, out loud–” Jesus the Lord of Lords, God’s son, My brother, The word that became flesh, the babe in the manger, died as an adult on the cross, so that I could come closer, He created me and loves me”.  Saying, Jesus sacrificed for us is so general, sometimes we need to make it personal and say it out loud, because when we say these things out loud, we can scare the devil into retreat.

I had said last night that I feel so lost- and I hate to say feel because depression is as much physical and biological as emotional.  Maybe even more so.  I have felt that I was the lost sheep and no one was searching for me.  It was pointed out to me that I was in the pen.  I was part of the flock, I wasn’t lost but found and was anxious cause I was in the pen and could not hear his voice, however I was in a safe place that my anxiety was making me blind to.

So today– this day. I feel some of the weight lifted off me.  I feel like I am in front of the fire place, just inside from a frosty night.  I am covered in layers that I put on me to protect me from the cold and I am starting to shed them one at a time.   Well I get to a point that I will feel like me? Not tonight, maybe not tomorrow. God knows and I need to trust him on that.  That is my project on the next few days, learn to trust God not distrust all that going wrong in my life. I will use God’s words to cloke me in his trust. – As soon as I spend some time in the bible to find the correct words to cloke myself in.

As for this evening. … Iam exhausted – I have had very little sleep over the past few days and not much in food either–I am too tired to eat…. tomorrow is a staff potluck. so I’ll catch up then.

till next time………………..