Thursday and Friday felt like a week and a half.  I  was so busy at work and I brought work home to get caught up, but now its friday night, been home for an hour or so just starting to relax.  I was so anxious this morning, I had to take the anxiety meds to calm down so I could get some work done.  I am trying not to control things… I am trying not to distrust everything, but to trust God.  How does one do tha?  It sounds so simple doesn’t it.  It sounds fluffy too.  ” I just put all my trust in the Lord” say that with high-pitched whiny voice.  actually, it takes some work.  The weak animal in the herd is targeted by the predator, and wants to make it – it’s dinner.  The weak-minded or those who struggle, are the weak in the herd, and are targeted by the devil to devour.  A little dramatic, but in the spiritual realm, true. When you trust in God in the fluffy way, its like taking a spoon and trying to bent it with your mind—“I can do it- It will bend – I think I can, I think I can” Picture a guy- little fists- eyes crunched up and willing with all his might for this to happen.  Sometimes we do that with God too.  “I will trust in him, I will trust in him I will trust in him”  picture same guy same face.  The problem with that kind of thinking is one letter  “i” I will trust, we can’t do it. If you bungee jump, you say to yourself “I can do this thing, I can do this , I trust the cord, I trust the cord”  But you know untill you get to the end of the cord there is always a glimmer of doubt.  The bible says that through Jesus all things are possible.  You can also take that in a fluffy way.  picture previous reference.  But Think of it this way. Back to John 1 The word became flesh, he is the light of the world, he came to save us.  What are you putting flesh to?  I am trying not to be in control of things.  I want to control things because I am out of control.  But if I decide to trust God there is a handing over, and  a follow-up.  You simply can’t say “Lord I hand this to you”, cause you will follow-up with’ Ah wait a minute , almost done with it, Yes you can have it, no you can’t ” and back and forth it goes.

I am learning that following up a statement like “Lord I pray to you I am unable to handle this — I don’t understand it, but I give it to you, I am your humble servant, have mercy on me”  Now to leave it there, you must put flesh to your words.  Repeating what you believe in is a way to trust in God.  When my mind is raging with negativity and darkness and they are demanding, screaming at me to give their words flesh, I repeat what I believe in.

I believe in
God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended to the dead.* On the third day he rose again; he ascended
into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come to
judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy
catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the
resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.  Amen.

Stating what I believe helps me trust in God and gain the peace I need to carry on.

I know sounds simple, but you have to work at it, it doesn’t come naturally but it can save you.

So how do I explain a day like yesterday and today….. Well Yesterday was Doctor day.  I had lots going on at work, meetings, computer work, all kinds of stuff.  I ran out to the doctor and had to wait 10 minutes, as I was waiting my heart started to race, I knew I was heading into an anxiety attack.  I get called into the doctor I sit, she asks me whats going on, what can I do for you.  I start to shake — I think she thought I was having a stroke… The tears start, I am trying to catch my breath and basically fall apart.  My 10 minute apt last and hour and half.   So in the end I had a choice, switch meds, up meds or stay the same and make a psychiatrist apt. We did two out of them all.  She upped my meds, I am now at the max for all of them.  My psychiatrist apt will be in 2 months — Thank you waiting lists. 😦 but hopefully it will happen  sooner than later I will be reassessed, and I am sure I will be introduced to new drugs and as hell, as switching will be, maybe in the long run it will be better. Today I was on the verge of an anxiety attack this morning.  I could feel it coming on, I left the office headed to the staff room and took my anxiety pill in the bathroom, and sat there till things calmed down.  They did after a bit– the stronger drugs take less time to work. Good thing I guess.

So how does trusting God help me in these absolutely uncontrolled situations.  Instead of looking at what I can’t trust, I look at what I can trust.  God is with me- absolute never let me down trust.  I state what I believe, so I can be reminded that yes my mind does believe in something that is trust worthy. I say the words and give my words flesh, cause I would rather give God words with flesh, than negativity flesh and fall farther and faster than I can stop, cause I can’t trust me and I can’t stop it. But all things are possible through Jesus Christ.  I pray to him repeat the words he has given us and believe.

If you can’t stand up for what you believe in — Or you believe in nothing — then sit down and die.

exhausted tonight

that is all for now, till next time………………………..