Doctors/ pills/ waiting lists


Thursday and Friday felt like a week and a half.  I  was so busy at work and I brought work home to get caught up, but now its friday night, been home for an hour or so just starting to relax.  I was so anxious this morning, I had to take the anxiety meds to calm down so I could get some work done.  I am trying not to control things… I am trying not to distrust everything, but to trust God.  How does one do tha?  It sounds so simple doesn’t it.  It sounds fluffy too.  ” I just put all my trust in the Lord” say that with high-pitched whiny voice.  actually, it takes some work.  The weak animal in the herd is targeted by the predator, and wants to make it – it’s dinner.  The weak-minded or those who struggle, are the weak in the herd, and are targeted by the devil to devour.  A little dramatic, but in the spiritual realm, true. When you trust in God in the fluffy way, its like taking a spoon and trying to bent it with your mind—“I can do it- It will bend – I think I can, I think I can” Picture a guy- little fists- eyes crunched up and willing with all his might for this to happen.  Sometimes we do that with God too.  “I will trust in him, I will trust in him I will trust in him”  picture same guy same face.  The problem with that kind of thinking is one letter  “i” I will trust, we can’t do it. If you bungee jump, you say to yourself “I can do this thing, I can do this , I trust the cord, I trust the cord”  But you know untill you get to the end of the cord there is always a glimmer of doubt.  The bible says that through Jesus all things are possible.  You can also take that in a fluffy way.  picture previous reference.  But Think of it this way. Back to John 1 The word became flesh, he is the light of the world, he came to save us.  What are you putting flesh to?  I am trying not to be in control of things.  I want to control things because I am out of control.  But if I decide to trust God there is a handing over, and  a follow-up.  You simply can’t say “Lord I hand this to you”, cause you will follow-up with’ Ah wait a minute , almost done with it, Yes you can have it, no you can’t ” and back and forth it goes.

I am learning that following up a statement like “Lord I pray to you I am unable to handle this — I don’t understand it, but I give it to you, I am your humble servant, have mercy on me”  Now to leave it there, you must put flesh to your words.  Repeating what you believe in is a way to trust in God.  When my mind is raging with negativity and darkness and they are demanding, screaming at me to give their words flesh, I repeat what I believe in.

I believe in
God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended to the dead.* On the third day he rose again; he ascended
into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come to
judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy
catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the
resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.  Amen.

Stating what I believe helps me trust in God and gain the peace I need to carry on.

I know sounds simple, but you have to work at it, it doesn’t come naturally but it can save you.

So how do I explain a day like yesterday and today….. Well Yesterday was Doctor day.  I had lots going on at work, meetings, computer work, all kinds of stuff.  I ran out to the doctor and had to wait 10 minutes, as I was waiting my heart started to race, I knew I was heading into an anxiety attack.  I get called into the doctor I sit, she asks me whats going on, what can I do for you.  I start to shake — I think she thought I was having a stroke… The tears start, I am trying to catch my breath and basically fall apart.  My 10 minute apt last and hour and half.   So in the end I had a choice, switch meds, up meds or stay the same and make a psychiatrist apt. We did two out of them all.  She upped my meds, I am now at the max for all of them.  My psychiatrist apt will be in 2 months — Thank you waiting lists. 😦 but hopefully it will happen  sooner than later I will be reassessed, and I am sure I will be introduced to new drugs and as hell, as switching will be, maybe in the long run it will be better. Today I was on the verge of an anxiety attack this morning.  I could feel it coming on, I left the office headed to the staff room and took my anxiety pill in the bathroom, and sat there till things calmed down.  They did after a bit– the stronger drugs take less time to work. Good thing I guess.

So how does trusting God help me in these absolutely uncontrolled situations.  Instead of looking at what I can’t trust, I look at what I can trust.  God is with me- absolute never let me down trust.  I state what I believe, so I can be reminded that yes my mind does believe in something that is trust worthy. I say the words and give my words flesh, cause I would rather give God words with flesh, than negativity flesh and fall farther and faster than I can stop, cause I can’t trust me and I can’t stop it. But all things are possible through Jesus Christ.  I pray to him repeat the words he has given us and believe.

If you can’t stand up for what you believe in — Or you believe in nothing — then sit down and die.

exhausted tonight

that is all for now, till next time………………………..

The Blues


I am down this week.  I am fighting it best I can.  I am being very careful. Watching the right shows that don’t bring me down even more. Listening to the right music, cause the blues can really bring you down more, so I am trying to be up beat. I am reading a something about how God worked through Mary with her virgin birth. How God uses the weak to show the strong who God is and how wonderful and mighty he is.  I look at my nativity’s around my house a the baby Jesus and see true humility.  God’s son, just how we are to come to him.  Humble, helpless, needing a father to teach, guid,e and raise us into his grown children.  It is the example of the true approach to God.  And Jesus the word becoming flesh to be with in us, to be our Shepard and again help us to learn to spread the good news and teach others about our Father Lord God and his Son and his Holy Spirit.

All these words are truth.  All these words define God, Christmas, and all he has done for us. I believe all of it.  ………………………………

BUT

You were waiting for that weren’t you……….. but, in the pit of my heart beside the truth is the pain of depression that blackens my heart and soul.  It has made me very angry this week, I can not raise up this pit.  I am sinking more and more as the week passes.  I believe that God does care and works through me to show love to others.  I have a tatoo of a heart with a vine to representing John 15 on my forearm, I put my heart on my sleeve and I have the triune God symbol on my back to remind me that God always has my back.   But my heart hurts, I hide my forearm tatoo, I am tired of having my heart-broken and I am building a wall to keep it safe.

How do I reconcile what I truly believe; with the depression that clouds my heart.  This is the question that digs the deepest.

till next time…………….

Redefining the Christmas Story Dec 1/2012


So I have been in a redefine mood.  I was thinking about this last night.  I have rearranged the furniture in the house.  I have thrown out bags and bags of clothes, things, junk, and papers, that have been cluttering up my house.   We pulled up carpet (well we had a leak and it wrecked the carpet) we put in new hard wood, painted my bathroom.  Finished refinishing my dinning room table and the hutch.  As I think of all the stuff I have done over the past year– I have done alot of stuff! Jeepers!!!  I am not as latharjic as I thought! Great!

Since summer I have been stuck on the bible vs from John chapter One.  I think stuck on is a bad word for it, obsessed with it.  It has been obsessed with me t0o.  I have come across this word in so many books, sermons, converstaions, out of the blue, in the past 6 months there is something that I am supposed to glean from it.

See Below:

John 1

The Word Became Flesh

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. 10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 11 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God13 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

15 (John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’”) 16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 18 No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is himself God and[b] is in closest relationship with the Father, has made him known.

First incounter with this verse.  In the summer this verse started haunting me, to the point that during a camping trip I cornered my former pastor and we had a huge discussion on it.  The discussion then went from the word becoming flesh to the word being as he put it digested with in me as a fight against the depression that I suffer from.    He explained that the word- or God’s word became flesh with Jesus.  The word can also be thoughts of God, Spirit of God, Knowledge of God.  Jesus was there in the beginning when the world was made and God had spoken of this through the prophets.  So the word came earth, Jesus came to earth through his birth through Mary.

The word became flesh. A few months ago I was having a bad time and the devil was hammering at me hard.  I was close to walking away from the church.  How can I say that— and be a strong christian.  Well,  I am only strong with God.  My mind was lieing to me at a time when I was very depressed, that my faith was not going to make me better and I was in such heart pain in a dark hole, that I was unable to think straight.   I got through this by holding onto the vs the word became flesh.  I was not going to put flesh to the words that the darkness so desperatly wanted me to say. My mantra became ” I will not put flesh to those words” I repeated it over and over, untill the darkness left.

Hope:  the vs “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  The darkness has not overcome it.  Most of my days I hold this hope.  The light shines beyond the darkness and we have hope and protection in the light.  I have learned that the darkness is not peace but turmoil and screaming.  The light is the place we need to hide in from the darkness, and receive life.

My Nativity.   I have adopted these verses as my nativity story.  My Christmas story.  I am not saying the Nativity did not happen I believe that to be historical fact.   This is the nativity from the Holy Spirit point of view. Jesus is apart of God and the Holy Spirit makes know to us what God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit are about and their love and their word. I think this is what is giving me the peace I have been feeling.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

For now I will stop here more to come later

Till next time……………..

Day after


Well it is the day after my prayer meeting with my husband and pastor.  My husband dragged me kicking and screaming.  I got there and couldn’t speak I was so afraid.  We talked for a bit we held hands and we prayed — well they prayed.  As they did God kept telling me to confess the sins of the body.  It is the verse of Jesus saying that the body is a temple for the holy spirit and we should treat it as a temple.  God clinched my heart and was not letting me leave my pastor’s office till I confessed.  I did. It was tough.  When my husband and I left we went to get something to eat– they know I haven’t been eating.  We went home and I did a couple of things and then I laid down on my bed and the tears started.  Actually more discriptive the sobs started I cried and cried what seems like a long time.  My husband held me for a long time and adventually I fell asleep.  Today I feel a little drained – not anxious- and not so down and all around better.  Its is amazing how being covered over with prayer is such a blessing

 

till next time……………….

Short on words


“Scripture  really strikes you hard – that might be a healing point – a ministry point – a  passage the Holy Spirit is using to break a lie you are hearing and believing  – a passage that you need to commit to memory and claim for yourself each  morning until you own it and it owns you.  When attacked by the lies of the  devil remember what Luther wrote… “one little Word can fell  him”… ”

A message from a friend in regards to my last post.   – it did nothing but make me weep. My first thought how did this all get so hard! There is a relationship between the word and eternal life.  The word became flesh.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not love, I gain nothing. – 1 Corinthians 13
Tonight I have no love, I am fighting with loving myself tonight. I am having an anxiety attack.  I want to text, email, my close friends and express my breaking heart. I am tired of reaching out and feeling like a fool, in the morning. Tonight I am popping my pills and following up with a small but yummy glass of red wine and hiding in my room.
its dark out tonight and that is how i feel – tomorrow will be light maybe I can be that way tomorrow.
till next time………..

A day or two or maybe a week…..


August 26 taking my son to College, that is 4 hours form home.  It’s been a trying weekend.  We have been very busy we had some work related social events to go to.  I am back to work and thus lots going on.  I have been fighting some depression twinges.  I have felt the darkness sitting across the yard, or the room or the office or where ever I have been.  It’s not sneaking up on me, its sitting there watching me.  It is sitting in a lounge chair relaxed and watching waiting, wanting me to drop my guard or my defences, any sign of weakness to approach.   I have turned my back on it.  Looking to the Lord to protect me, which I know will happen.  The Lord always protects me.  It’s my mind that lets me down and confuses me so I forget that God protects me.  That of course as I have said before, is the pitfalls of a chemically imbalanced brain.

I actually cried today watching my daughter jump on her brother and tickle him as she left for work and he got up to finish packing to move.  I cried again when he showed me the text she sent while she was on the bus to work.  Full of love and sentiment.  Gosh they really do love each other who knew!! (joke).  We are an hour away from the city he is moving to.  I have been sitting in the back of the van doing some  paperwork  for work.  Writing this blog. Thinking about life and things.  Like how the hell did this boy of mine get so old so fast.  When I brought him home from the hospital it seemed like yesterday and I walked around the house for house wondering what to do and then I thought I could put him down.  Maybe I shouldn’t have!  I put him down he grew, but this is what is suppose to happen.  It is truly all good and it is apart of his journey in life and my journey too I am not ready to let the change happen. We went to a party yesterday for my husband’s work, and we were talking to people who were there and they were talking about when they were born,  and I’m thinking darn it I was in school then—I have always been the youngest of groups how did this happen?  The process of aging.  It is something that sneaks up on you.  I still see myself as a young chick and I’m not in my 50’s so yes I am a young chick.  I am just having a change in life and maybe that is what is shocking me.  I have time away from kids and time with my husband.  The parents get older – of which my Mother is still alive and so I look at her and see the needs she will have in the future and see that maybe I will be busier than I think.  But there is another thing in all of this growing up and maturing I am also maturing my faith.  God has shown me he is with me in the good and bad and as I go through these changes in my life he is the constant; the never changing love and creator of life from the beginning, which he set, to the end which he will decide.  I am created loved and apart of a spiritual realm that I cannot explain.  As I think of this realm, I feel the love and warmth of God fill my spirit I am driven to discover know and understand more.  I can feel the darkness move his easy chair back a few feet away from me.  Its times like this when I am tired from lack of sleep and restless,  I am concerned that my son has all that he needs to spread his wings in life, that is when the doubts come and the darkness’ chair moves a few feet closer.  Did I do all I could have done to prepare this boy for this world.  Does he desire to be apart of Gods direction or his own.   Was there more that I could have prepared him for?  Doubts doubts doubts.  They swallow up all that is good and true and solid in my mind.

There is something that God has been revealing to me that I have been trying to understand and I am far from being there, but I think that people with depression can grasp this and handle it better than those who don’t.

Depression reveals a darkness that can pull at you and completely engulf you.  It shows you a dark realm that is at work looking for the weak to devour, and pull down. It is looking for new conquests, and if it does not get you the first time it will follow and try new tactics and try to confuse hurt and bully you into a state of panic.  But this real realm of darkness also has an opposite.  The Realm of Light.   Jesus said he was the light of the world. He was a beacon that reveals itself in the darkness so us dimwitted humans can see the light and follow him.  In the first chapter of John (where I have spent most of my studying this summer) talks about Jesus being with God in the beginning and a light to the darkness but the darkness does not understand.

In my darkest points of this depression I did not understand the light.  The darkness though is a little quicker than I and can easily confuse me into believing that the Light is loud, exposing and lacking love — when it is the darkness that are all these things and the light is love kindness truth.

Its the middle of the week now. The use of hand held divices has kept me connected with my boy and I am feeling better about that.  But the darkness has moved his chair closer today.  He is still just sitting watching I am occupying my mind and body with exercise and cleaning of the house.  I have not been sleeping this week, again!  And am at my wits end about that. Maybe tonight.  Its this sleeplessness that makes resisting the darkness so hard.  I become so tired and unable to think straight that I have a flight or fight feeling come over me and I want to run, where I could care less, but its what I want to do. Tonight however I am trying to relax.  Maybe my occupying of my mind and body has left me unable to relax. Tonight as I write this I am watching the slow rising of the full moon.  The full moon makes me happy.  My Grandfather used to say if you butcher a pig on the growing side of the moon your bacon will not shrink….ah ya I’m not sure about that too.  But a growing moon always makes me feel better… no idea why.

Forgive me for not writting in a while… summertime things have occupied my time I only hope that it has for you too.  In the mean time I will try to fight this darkness watching me and I hope you can too.

till next time…….

Holding my arms up to the Lord


Its been over a week since I typed anything.  The dinning room table got refinished, the hutch that didn’t match the table; now does thanks to a coat of paint and some paint treatments.  I went on a camping trip last week with some friends.  I managed to get some rest, some exercise and have a lot of fun.  I also managed to spend some time with a pastor friend of mine.  We sat for a long time and talked about a bible verse I have been wrestling with and we talked endlessly about my depression and how attacked I have felt and how hard it has been for me to deal with.  It was good and it was helpful and I left better.  I went to church Sunday morning and played in the youth band and my heart sang with great leaps and my spirit uplifted.  I gave flesh to my words but they were words of Praise and words of belief in the Lord Jesus Christ and the Creator of the world God himself.

Rereading this paragraph I think what a nice ending of a terrible horrible couple of weeks.  But I can’t say I am rejoicing.  Don’t get me wrong, I am praising God for delivering me from the darkness that I put myself in.  I am Thankful for friends and a wonderful husband  to support me. I am humbled by the thoughts from God that have come to me to open the verses I have not understood till now from the bible.  BUT.  There is always a but. As I rejoice in this wonderful place to be I know that this is not the end.  It is not over.  Today I stand in victory.  Tomorrow will be ok, and I may be fine for weeks.  But it will come again.  The darkness creeping up and the attacks again.  What a killjoy eh?  Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate, and love the place I am right now.  It is like falling in love only to have your heart-broken.  You repair the heart and someone else comes along and it is wonderful and lovely and you think this could be the one and as you consider giving your heart out again, you can’t help but remember the broken heart you just repaired.   Today my unfaithful mind is functioning, tomorrow??????????  This is the delema this is the thing that lurks around in the back of the mind.  Is there a next time? When is the next time? will it interfere with my plans, will it be something I can ‘t resist? Or will this be the time of a complete break down?

I think the only plan of action I can take right now, is to get together with my pastor and my best friend and pray.  I need time to prepare for the next time.  If the next time does not come great! but I don’t know for sure but I do know that in order to fend off the darkness I need to embrace the light and to build the wall around me in the name of the Almighty.

God be with my mind as I heal after the past few weeks of battling.  Help me to rely on you. Forgive my unbelief and continue to protect me.  You continue to teach me so much, continue to lead me, protect me, feed me, show me, so that I can walk in your ways.  And most of all I pray the prayer that never fails.  “In name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, may your will be done.”   Amen.

Till next time……………………….