Doctor Day


Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital for my doctor apt.  I’m having a little trouble calming myself.  I was sitting at home at the  front door waiting to leave, to come here, aware of the passage of time.  How long ago was it that this all started.  How long and winding was the road to this waiting room.  How many dark places did I pass through to get here.  It makes me anxious.  My heart is pounding.   It’s just a dr apt. nothing more than that. Well its a doctor’s apt with a psychiatrist, in the mental health wing of the hospital. 😦  We will  assess my meds and carry on.  Sometimes I sit and think ” is this real… is this really happening to me?  Its made up in my head.”  I am imagining this.  I’m here under false pretense and using up OHIP money that is really needed for someone  else .  But here I am thinking Oh My seriously!  Sigh….. I guess this is shocking to me today cause this is admitting that it is real.  In my little world, in my little house, I can deny it.  Its other people’s issue not mine.  Why is this so hard to accept.  I can handle it when its someone else … I sat in a hallway at school for 20 min last week,  I talked a student down from a panic attack.  Its fear.  I guess maybe fear of the unknown and fear of the places I have been and where it could go.  At this very moment, this second, it is fear of the doctor I haven’t met yet that is 20 min late.

So there are a few of us sitting here, in the waiting room, all looking embarrassed, all staring at floor, no one meets anyone elses eyes,  all saying nothing, all frowning.  There is lots of noise – it is a hospital after all, but its quiet too, suspended time waiting.

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So the doctor comes out, calls my name from the door, 25 feet away.  My first gut response is “shhhhhhhhh! someone will here you.” Is that not the stupidest thing you ever heard?  So I go in,  I think, if there is a couch in there and she asks me to sit on it- or lay down and tell her about my childhood I am bolting.   She is nice, we talk for over two hours,  no couch no bolting.   We talk about my childhood, my marriage, friends, life, work, the dark times, the voices, the anorexia, other things I have inflected upon myself.   Then we stop. We stop, and she looks at me and says nothing.  I am thinking — I don’t know what I am thinking …. we stop and blink at each other.

The Dr says I am suffering from Major Depression.  She tells me there are two drug programs I need to consider, and she tells me that I am in denial and I need to start to group therapy to first accept what I have become, and to develop some more coping strategies.  She also wants me to see my Dr in 3 weeks for all her recommendations and to see her in three months.  Anymore episodes like in November I am to go to the hospital.

blink blink blink.

I leave – go shopping — spend money I don’t have — come home — look amazing from new cloths– feel like I want to cry- can’t cry dam drugs won’t let me.

She wasn’t that short or blunt but that is the short story.  So I guess it is true.  I really am suffering from mental illness.

I have been sitting here staring at the last sentence for the past 15 minutes I have no idea what else to say… so I will leave it here while I consider things.

till next time…………………

Mountain climbing in Reverse


I am texting a friend of mine, I am trying to explain my mind, my feelings.  I have been pulling back from people.  I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to see me, I don’t want people to see me.  I skipped a lot of things I was to go to last week.  The best way to describe this is I am sliding down a mountain, grabbing onto what every I can to slow me down, stop me, but I can’t get a grip on to anything.  Or just can’t get a grip.   I have been better about not drinking — except Valentines night we had a nice bottle of wine between me and my husband it was nice.   I have been up and down this week.  It didn’t matter what time a day or what day I would be down on my way to work, the next day I was ok and sank at lunch or mid afternoon or at night.  So this week I was at my doctor and I brought my husband to help back me up and give his views on what is happening.  The doctor asked lots of questions.  She and he had a great discussion about me in front of me – it was weird.  So we try something else.  She is keeping me on my antidepressants, but adding some hormone drugs to the mix to see if it evens me out.  It is chemical and menopausal so this could work.  Two things however, I don’t want to be on more drugs that is concerning but its a guessing game and that is more concerning.  On the doctor shows you see the doctors say well let’s try this –oh that doesn’t work let’s try that.  Oh well that didn’t work sorry about the side effects lets try this now.  Mean while I feel like a mac truck hit me.  Bottom line is this is how you find out what will work for you, we are all different, and there is the rub.  Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness, sometimes the cure magnifys the illness.

The second part of the doctor apt.  This is the one that scares me.  I have struggled so hard over the past few weeks, I can’t seem to get my head above water. Its gone as far as bugging my friends and getting reassurance that A.  Iam not crazy and B.  they still love me.  My pastor, my friend  I am sure is sick of doing this, but my mind is mush and I don’t know what the hell is going on he is emailing me reassurance that I am not losing it.  My best friend did the same thing earlier in the week.    If this new thing doesn’t work then its a psychological evaluation for me at a psychologist.  Just reading this sentence — its like what the heck!  I have felt crazy at times I have felt out of control.  This is unsettling.  Maybe I am crazy.  The thing is I don’t know how to feel about this.  It’s a bit of a jump ahead of the game, but it is part of the plan, for down the road.

I haven’t started the new drug, I will start in a couple of weeks so in the mean time I have time to research and I see the doctor with my daughter tomorrow so I can ask some more questions. I feel like I am in left field, blowing in the breeze.

Dear Lord, you know how hard I have fought, you know how sometimes I have not tried at all.  The fight has worn me out and I have not had the energy to fight.  But you Lord, You have always been the constant and true to me and your word.  You have always stood by me and keeps me safe.  Lord you know what is right for me, help me to make good decisions and help me find the answers to be come well.  Dear Lord in the name of your son Jesus Christ I put this and all the groaning of my heart and spirit in to your hands.  Amen.