I am texting a friend of mine, I am trying to explain my mind, my feelings. I have been pulling back from people. I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to see me, I don’t want people to see me. I skipped a lot of things I was to go to last week. The best way to describe this is I am sliding down a mountain, grabbing onto what every I can to slow me down, stop me, but I can’t get a grip on to anything. Or just can’t get a grip. I have been better about not drinking — except Valentines night we had a nice bottle of wine between me and my husband it was nice. I have been up and down this week. It didn’t matter what time a day or what day I would be down on my way to work, the next day I was ok and sank at lunch or mid afternoon or at night. So this week I was at my doctor and I brought my husband to help back me up and give his views on what is happening. The doctor asked lots of questions. She and he had a great discussion about me in front of me – it was weird. So we try something else. She is keeping me on my antidepressants, but adding some hormone drugs to the mix to see if it evens me out. It is chemical and menopausal so this could work. Two things however, I don’t want to be on more drugs that is concerning but its a guessing game and that is more concerning. On the doctor shows you see the doctors say well let’s try this –oh that doesn’t work let’s try that. Oh well that didn’t work sorry about the side effects lets try this now. Mean while I feel like a mac truck hit me. Bottom line is this is how you find out what will work for you, we are all different, and there is the rub. Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness, sometimes the cure magnifys the illness.
The second part of the doctor apt. This is the one that scares me. I have struggled so hard over the past few weeks, I can’t seem to get my head above water. Its gone as far as bugging my friends and getting reassurance that A. Iam not crazy and B. they still love me. My pastor, my friend I am sure is sick of doing this, but my mind is mush and I don’t know what the hell is going on he is emailing me reassurance that I am not losing it. My best friend did the same thing earlier in the week. If this new thing doesn’t work then its a psychological evaluation for me at a psychologist. Just reading this sentence — its like what the heck! I have felt crazy at times I have felt out of control. This is unsettling. Maybe I am crazy. The thing is I don’t know how to feel about this. It’s a bit of a jump ahead of the game, but it is part of the plan, for down the road.
I haven’t started the new drug, I will start in a couple of weeks so in the mean time I have time to research and I see the doctor with my daughter tomorrow so I can ask some more questions. I feel like I am in left field, blowing in the breeze.
Dear Lord, you know how hard I have fought, you know how sometimes I have not tried at all. The fight has worn me out and I have not had the energy to fight. But you Lord, You have always been the constant and true to me and your word. You have always stood by me and keeps me safe. Lord you know what is right for me, help me to make good decisions and help me find the answers to be come well. Dear Lord in the name of your son Jesus Christ I put this and all the groaning of my heart and spirit in to your hands. Amen.