Cross On

This has been a long week- and its only Thursday.  sigh.  What has made it a long week??? not sure I think it’s just I have been very busy, and every night something or another is going on and I seem to be getting home really late.  So the week seems long.  A  little tired today but I have slept well so I am doing ok.

I have been reading my journal from 3 years ago.  As much as I remember the feelings and what was happening, it seems like another person.  In some ways I have come along way from the beginning.  I put my cross back on this week.  I haven’t worn it in 2 years.  I have a simple silver cross with the triune God symbol on it.   The past 3 years (if you have read any of this blog) really shook my faith.  There where times that I felt there was no God.  Or he was a far far away thing that hated me.  I was angry, sad, hurt, and untrusting.  I have been told that there are people who think in colours.  They hear numbers and think in colours or see stories in colours. I had never heard about this before but I totally understand what is happening.   I see and feel in pain.  That sounded so much better in my head.  When I talk to someone and they tell me about something going on in their lives or just looking at someone I can see their pain.  It’s not on their face it’s not in their body language either but the same way people see colour associated to certain things, numbers or words I could see the pain as a separate entity from the person.  The pain I felt in my darkest moments I could see.  It was close, surrounding and there.  That was the most frightening thing about the depression.  It wasn’t just a feeling or physical pain that comes with depression but a separate thing of pain that like a tumor attached itself to me and my soul.   This explains a lot of my actions, fears, and panic attacks.  well at least to me if explains things – to someone else it may seem crazy and a part of the psychosis of the depression.  Yes I had voices I hears and things I saw but this was more than just that.  I still see it today. I can see the pain, trials and problems people have. I am just able to handle it better.  I have been feeling more like me.  I was sitting with a friend the other day and he and I were joking around and I felt like me.  It was incredibly nice and soothing.  I remember that chick – and could freely laugh.  I think that was the most important thing of all the freedom I felt inside.

I put on my cross, I opened my heart, I feel stronger. I feel freedom. and spend a lot of time praying about the pain of others – that provides peace beyond understanding.  Just like all things of  God.

till next time



And Now

And now it is the middle of November.  I have been to my naturopathy twice now and I take one liquid and 4 pills of various sorts to help calm my hormones and strengthen my depleted adrenals.  I go back in a few weeks for reassessment.

How have I been feeling?  I could still use some sleep.  I have fallen a sleep over the past week or so on my lunch, but maybe that is because I am reading Nietzsche.  😛  I have not lost weight I have put more on, and I can say I am not happy about that, but I am feeling better.

I went to church on Sunday and held out my arms in praise to God and surrendered my soul to him.  I thanked him for the gifts of family, and friends, and all gifts he bestows upon me even though I am unworthy to receive the love and gifts he gives I am still blessed.  I have been feeling happier, and can say I am less fearful, for this week. The ebb and flow of this illness may raise its ugly head but for now I bask in the light of my father.

What changed??? what was the revelation, phrase, event that has put me in this place.  There is none.  The chemicals have aligned for now and as we ease into the Christmas season, I may even enjoy this one.  At this moment the ghosts of Christmas passed had retreated and I hope never to come again.

So today as I hold onto the Day that the Lord has made, I pray a prayer of thanks giving and ask for Gods protection against the evil that lurks on this earth.



Reading Daniel in the bible these days.  Trying to understand what happened when Daniel prayed.  Chapter 10 vs 12.  Daniel is praying for 21 days and God sends an angel 22 days after he started  this prayer.  The angel says that he was sent with a message 21 days earlier but the prince of darkness (evil spirit) held him up and they were fighting for 21 days and Michael another angel came to help so that Gods message could be given and prayer answered.  So does this mean if we wait in worship God will work for us.  this takes us back to Jesus’ words “Oh ye of little faith” and “those who give little get little those who give much get much.  ” For 21 days Daniel abstained from pleasant food, meat, wine, and laboured in prayer – he persisted, pleaded, and agonized with no response.  But on the 22 day an angel appeared and told Daniel why he was delayed.  for 21 days he battled an evil spirit from Persia blocking him from his delivery. Michael who we have heard about in other bible stories, comes to battle too and the original angel comes to deliver the message.

It begs the question if Daniel had given up, lost faith or walked away from God would the message have been delivered? and what if I give up, lose faith or walk away from God, where do my prayers go, how long will they be delayed. The darkness and evil that surrounds me and I allow to engulf me, do they delay my answers?  In Daniel’s case he did not loose faith, but do the prayers that go to heaven have Gods response delayed  because he is preparing hearts of those around us to help or fulfill our prayers?  Or does the devil have greater power here on this world blocking some of Gods answers? and if we grow weary praying and requesting that when the messenger comes we are not there to receive it?

All questions deserving an answer–

So what are the answers?

here is where things get dicey In our world were we like to see things just black and white there is a lot of Gray out there.  I am not sure of most of the answers but lets try this; I know that God is powerful and hears our prayers and permits evil things to happen.  Why — Well a lot of the time its our own fault.  We chose a bad life style so we hurt our health, we choose to drive fast ignore the rules of the road and cause an accident, I could go on, but sometimes its not our fault at all, My depression is chemically based – so I am convinced that disfunctioning hormones is the reason, but does the chemicals in our environment help , No, not my fault but man’s fault.  So now what?  A bad thing is happening and we must allow God to do is give him the time to take what is a mess and make it a blessing. God takes all and turns it into good.  Sometimes we are unable to get up to get that blessing, we are taken over, in my case with darkness that doesn’t allow the light in but pain to persist, increase and engulf.  I am lucky to have amazing people pray for me. I may not believe it sometimes, that their prayers are to a real God. But the spirit is with in me and will rise its head when I have reached that end of my rope.  Be still and listen, he is always there but the static in my head doesn’t allow me to hear or see.  It will clear eventually unto that time.  I will move through the muck best I can and see where it leads.

till next time