Cross On

This has been a long week- and its only Thursday.  sigh.  What has made it a long week??? not sure I think it’s just I have been very busy, and every night something or another is going on and I seem to be getting home really late.  So the week seems long.  A  little tired today but I have slept well so I am doing ok.

I have been reading my journal from 3 years ago.  As much as I remember the feelings and what was happening, it seems like another person.  In some ways I have come along way from the beginning.  I put my cross back on this week.  I haven’t worn it in 2 years.  I have a simple silver cross with the triune God symbol on it.   The past 3 years (if you have read any of this blog) really shook my faith.  There where times that I felt there was no God.  Or he was a far far away thing that hated me.  I was angry, sad, hurt, and untrusting.  I have been told that there are people who think in colours.  They hear numbers and think in colours or see stories in colours. I had never heard about this before but I totally understand what is happening.   I see and feel in pain.  That sounded so much better in my head.  When I talk to someone and they tell me about something going on in their lives or just looking at someone I can see their pain.  It’s not on their face it’s not in their body language either but the same way people see colour associated to certain things, numbers or words I could see the pain as a separate entity from the person.  The pain I felt in my darkest moments I could see.  It was close, surrounding and there.  That was the most frightening thing about the depression.  It wasn’t just a feeling or physical pain that comes with depression but a separate thing of pain that like a tumor attached itself to me and my soul.   This explains a lot of my actions, fears, and panic attacks.  well at least to me if explains things – to someone else it may seem crazy and a part of the psychosis of the depression.  Yes I had voices I hears and things I saw but this was more than just that.  I still see it today. I can see the pain, trials and problems people have. I am just able to handle it better.  I have been feeling more like me.  I was sitting with a friend the other day and he and I were joking around and I felt like me.  It was incredibly nice and soothing.  I remember that chick – and could freely laugh.  I think that was the most important thing of all the freedom I felt inside.

I put on my cross, I opened my heart, I feel stronger. I feel freedom. and spend a lot of time praying about the pain of others – that provides peace beyond understanding.  Just like all things of  God.

till next time



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