This has been a long week- and its only Thursday. sigh. What has made it a long week??? not sure I think it’s just I have been very busy, and every night something or another is going on and I seem to be getting home really late. So the week seems long. A little tired today but I have slept well so I am doing ok.
I have been reading my journal from 3 years ago. As much as I remember the feelings and what was happening, it seems like another person. In some ways I have come along way from the beginning. I put my cross back on this week. I haven’t worn it in 2 years. I have a simple silver cross with the triune God symbol on it. The past 3 years (if you have read any of this blog) really shook my faith. There where times that I felt there was no God. Or he was a far far away thing that hated me. I was angry, sad, hurt, and untrusting. I have been told that there are people who think in colours. They hear numbers and think in colours or see stories in colours. I had never heard about this before but I totally understand what is happening. I see and feel in pain. That sounded so much better in my head. When I talk to someone and they tell me about something going on in their lives or just looking at someone I can see their pain. It’s not on their face it’s not in their body language either but the same way people see colour associated to certain things, numbers or words I could see the pain as a separate entity from the person. The pain I felt in my darkest moments I could see. It was close, surrounding and there. That was the most frightening thing about the depression. It wasn’t just a feeling or physical pain that comes with depression but a separate thing of pain that like a tumor attached itself to me and my soul. This explains a lot of my actions, fears, and panic attacks. well at least to me if explains things – to someone else it may seem crazy and a part of the psychosis of the depression. Yes I had voices I hears and things I saw but this was more than just that. I still see it today. I can see the pain, trials and problems people have. I am just able to handle it better. I have been feeling more like me. I was sitting with a friend the other day and he and I were joking around and I felt like me. It was incredibly nice and soothing. I remember that chick – and could freely laugh. I think that was the most important thing of all the freedom I felt inside.
I put on my cross, I opened my heart, I feel stronger. I feel freedom. and spend a lot of time praying about the pain of others – that provides peace beyond understanding. Just like all things of God.
till next time