little eye


In the corner of a younger eye I picture my time.
School would never end in those long-lasting days .
But now it seems a life time ago, lost in a haze.

Work never ends on a farm, it be grown,done or need fix’n
Sitting on the fender of a tractor with Dad as he plow.
Buckets of milk to feed the jerky little cows

A garden the size of a country, my Mother would plant.
Pulling weeds in the garden for hours on end.
Our winter treats Mom did attend.

Brothers and sister hanging out, trying to figure out what life was about
Wandering through the fields, and bush, and creeks.
kicking dirt and squirting mud between our feet.

A peace that’s ceased, in a standing time we though would never die.
Farm memories of a time when things were simple
In the corner of a younger eye so little.

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Family


In my previous blog I wrote about: yes I get why Jesus told us to forgive so many times, cause we will need every one of them when dealing with family. I am sad tonight, my Mother is angry with me, because I am angry with my brother. I came clean with her and told her that I am on medication for depression and that I am maxed out on them and I have an apt next month with a Psychiatrist.  I told her the depths of the depression and how I have been suffering.  Actually tonight I feel ashamed about it.  Part of the reason I told her was I wanted her to realize that I have been suffering, part because my brother may be blind but I am tired of trying to hold things together and I can’t be responsible for the family any more.

When my Dad was killed 16 years ago I figured that I was the youngest I had a 4 month old baby and a 3-year-old, I would grieve for me.  I don’t mean that in a selfish way.  I had two older brothers they looked after things, I was never asked an opinion for most of my life I never gave one.  The day after my Dad was killed my Mother turned to me and leaned on me for everything.  I bought the shirt my Dad was buried in.  I helped her make the arrangements.  I slept with her for a week.  I handled the phone calls, the people bringing food to the door, I did it all.  I do not begrudge any of this.  I supported my Mother and will do so for the rest of her life.  I  am sorry for the fact that my brother became blind for a birth defect that slowly took his sight. It truly was a fluke. I just can’t take rudeness, and abuse anymore for his anger for being blind – but he could take some responsibility for himself and get a job instead of living off disability.  God did not put him on this earth to sit at home and be an arm chair critic.  I have tried to convince him to move on.  Found all kinds of places he could be useful in life, organizations he could be come involved with. Tried, begged,logically and pulled out the big card “Dad would be object to this” for him to become involved again with church.  He lives in Kitchener— the land of Lutheran church’s.  He has no excuse for not going.

I tell all this, not because I am bragging.  I am no hero.   It all makes me sad, ashamed, responsible.  This illness has effected my extended family. I have no patience for my brother.  My other brother that doesn’t speak to us, because of me, wants nothing to do with me or his daughter.  I felt ashamed to admit what I had been going through to Mom because I am her rock and now I am gravel.  I am sure she must think – Now what, who can I rely on.

I know God has a plan.  I know God gave us all free will, I know God has given me a family through my friends and their kids.  My best friends, my camping group.  That gives me 4 sisters 4 brothers and 10 kids. I am blessed, I know that .  I guess I have never gone through the grieving process for my brothers, for the loss of my family.  That sounds dramatic.  I don’t mean to sound that way.  It isn’t that way.  But here is how it goes in my family.  My brother who lives in my home town, who doesn’t speak to me, is friends with my cousins.  My cousins don’t do anything with us in the big city cause my brother lives in the town- if you know what I mean.  over 12 years of this stupidity.  I may work in a highschool – but my one brother lives it.

Anyways enough of the explanations.  Bottom line – I am the one who is supposed to hold the family together and tonight I spilled the beans and admitted all my short cumming to my Mom.  Maybe its all in my mind….that is what you could be saying– but you didn’t hear her voice.

 

till next time…………….

Self love


Been feeling ok these days. I can not say that I feel stellar but I am not in the place I was before Christmas. The darkness is there on the edge of things. Sometimes I think I should name him, but I don’t want to make it a personal thing- giving it a name gives it a home, and it is an unwanted guest. I have been feeling a little pull back from people. I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights- and that doesn’t help me much. Maybe I am just tired. At least that is what I am telling myself. The adjustment in drugs has settled down I am not shaky but now is the test to see if they make a difference. So we shall see – but for today I am feeling a little sad- but I will name it tired.

I have been thinking about forgiveness, I have discussing this over the past posts. The need to forgive those who hurt us is not a natural one, but it is a required one, if I want God to forgive all my sins. My sins against God are much more than those that have been done to me. It is the plank in my eye, the speck in my brothers.

Forgiveness, acceptance, love trust.

These are the things God offers us as his children. These are the things I wrote about forgetting, esp when I am down and depressed. It dawned on me the other day when I was reading my bible, these are an offering to us free from God – it is up to us to accept them. In my knowledge and study of the bible I know that these are truth. They are my free gift, and I should accept them. A block comes up however to accept them. We all want forgiveness, and it is a two-fold thing. Especially if you’re the one who did wrong. First you ask for the forgiveness which in most cases is not that hard to do, but then you have to forgive yourself. Now there is the rub…..
Acceptance of God is again offered as a free gift, but do you accept that gift. It is a huge thing. Its like your best friend giving you an island in the south pacific, with a mansion on it, and a pool and your own boat, and servants. etc etc. I come from the middle of the road income, and came from poor upbringing being a farmer’s daughter, but this is toooooo much even from my best friend. If you think that is a lot, then think about the Master of the Universe who not only made and started your heart, gave you breath, and then calls you his child and accepts you unconditionally. The rub do you accept yourself?
Love from your Heavenly Father. Deeper than anything you can feel. Wider than any love you have in any of your relationships. Freely offered. Again the rub do you love yourself?
Truth do you believe all that I have written in the above three paragraphs are true? In my knowledge I believe it is true. In my heart…..????……

I think that when you are someone suffering from depression, it manifests itself into a life of dark and light. Some of the time you are in the light, you sleep well you do the things you should do, the meds are working. Some of the time however you also live in the dark. You stop sleeping well, or you sleep too much, you don’t have the energy to do the things you should, nor do you care to. I think the amount you except what God is offering to you is in direct relation to how much you love and accept yourself.
If you are in a self hate mood and if you have read previous blogs you know I am good at the self hatered bit. A product of the darkness that has taken over me. The voices start – I am unworthy to be offered anything so wonderful. I am too sinful, which is a christian phrase that means I hate me so everyone does too. I hate the pain in my heart, the suffering, the trying to cope and the energy level is depleted. I want to fight the good fight I want to be the hero, to slay the dragon. Sometimes I don’t know who the dragon is. The confusion starts and then you forget or can’t see what is truth- mist in the eyes of your soul. There is no peace, only loud hating words and never-ending noise that hides the gentle whisper of God.

It is a roller coaster ride. A constant fight. It’s a worthy fight, I can say that today because I still feel I am a child of God. Tomorrow I may be in the darkness. But I write these words to look at later to remind me that the truth may be blurred but it is still truth

till next time…………..

Mists


In the mist that swirls in my mind, in the colour of light and dark,
I see a pillar of light, a beacon of warmth calling me, his child.
But the waves below my feet, lick at my soul.
I am Peter on the water, walking towards my Lord.
The waves are trying to distract me, the dark mist to intimidate.
My confidence wavers, I tremble deep with in.
In the depths of my heart is the part.

Oh Lord hold me close, as the darkness approaches.
Come close to the brokenhearted, the crushed in spirit.

Yes 70X7


End of the week – for a work week one of 2013. It was very busy at work – but its ok, cause I love what I do and it was a good week of doing. Trying to get back on my diet–well not diet just trying to get back on track eating healthier, esp after a Christmas binge. I didn’t sleep well but that is par for the course. All in all I am feeling good today. I sent out some email’s to some friends to tell them how much I appreciate their calls before christmas. I was a bit of a mess,and its nice to be in a better place.
I got my letter of referral for my psychiatrist. My doctor calls the hospital to get an apt with the Mental Health Outpatient Services Clinic, and they send a letter. Lets just say that when you receive a letter from the Hospital and the return address is the Mental Health Clinic, it throws you off a little. In the letter it says – call for an apt. …… -_-….. The doctor could have given me a number and I could have just called, Canadian health services at work. So in 2-3 months I can get an apt for a consultation. (next breakdown it might be better and faster to just take a cab to the hospital check in). Today I feel good – so I look at this (once I go over the stinging shock that – yes this letter is for me and with that department of the hospital) and figure it’s another step in the process and another, step in the adventure. I am trying to be positive.
I have managed to carve out some quiet time before I go to work and do a little reading from my bible. It helps create a place of calm with in me before I go face the world. It has helped greatly this week. I have been doing a lot of reading in John, but this week I have been drawn to Matthew. I read the beatitudes and I read about Jesus healing the sick, and his travels – then I turned the page and read the following.

21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister[b][c] will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’[d] is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

Gulp! If you read my 70X7 post – you will remember that my brother and I had a disagreement. Well let me be honest. My brother made me angry and can be an ass, and I am tired of being the peace maker and darn it he can apologize to me and make things up…. I am tired of family members being stupid and I having to clean up their tongue waving messes, and for once clean it up yourselves. ( I know tell you how I really feel) haha. To sum up– he made me angry and I am not ready to not be angry. And then I turn the page and God convicts me on the spot. I don’t like being convicted. —— I don’t like cleaning the house — but sometimes it has to be done. I think, what stood out to me is that by not forgiving my brother, I murder him. Look at the words. Anger and name calling will lead to death. Emotion, and words. See we are back to the word again. The word became flesh– my anger put flesh to my hurtful words and murdered my brother. I know not literally, but it is something I have to answer for. My brother is a man who God created. We are all created in God’s image, and are also loved by God. God is the start and God is the finish of everything. If I keep my eyes on the kingdom of God and remember Jesus’ prayer for all of us as he looked into the eyes of the men who nailed him to the cross, his murders, and prayed “Lord forgive then for they do not know what they are doing” for our nature is sinful and our pride runs rampant, and we feel entitled. It’s hard to forgive. Even now as I type these words, I am thinking “he has made me so angry, I am tired of pointing out how the insensitive has hurt the sensitive, and “to grow up.” I do not want to have to answer to the Lord for that. So how do you do it? Forgive when you don’t get a “I’m sorry.” Well our sinful nature is a part of us that the devil uses sometime to pull and push us where he wants us, but Jesus’ is more powerful. I can only forgive if God helps me– this means I pray prayers like – Dear Lord , I am a poor miserable sinner, whose nature is thinking more about me and what I wear, how I feel and how dare they wrong me. Jesus provided the victory over death and the power of sin – In Gods eyes I am brilliant white, and only through him can I forgive.– I have to give it to God and give it to God and give it to God and give it to God and when I think I am done Give it to God again. I can do nothing without the Lord.
So this weekend I will clear the negative voices that talk about how much I am up set with him and replace them with songs and words of praise that through God I can move mountains and forgive him even when I don’t feel like it.– I will let you know how it goes

till next time………………

Things I forget


Back to work after 2 weeks off for Christmas break.  Two weeks of parties, and bad food, lots of drinking, and no working out.  Praise God for stretchy pants, because I am sure I am not going to fit into my dress pants anytime soon.

Today I started back to work and my work out.  I am going to be sore tomorrow and I know it but I have to say that I loved it.  I dreaded going back to work but I got there and realized I love time off but I love my job too, I was glad to be back.

I had a low point yesterday – Sunday.  I don’t like low points but it was a dip, I feel better today.  My first thought this morning was don’t fret, trust God – don’t allow the devil to confuse you, just trust.  I then had the thought how?  I can give my problems to God, but how do you trust everyday.  During my last low point; when I realized that what I was confused about, I had to release and trust God.  I was trying to hard to be in control that I was trusting me, when I should have but my energy into trusting God.  When I realized how tight I was holding things and how crazy it was, when I realized that I needed to give it to God, relief flooded where confusion laid.  Sometimes when your back is against the wall, when you are confused and hurting it is easier; I think, to let go of the control and allow God to take over.  So I contemplate today how when feeling better do you trust.

Today I was reading about Elijah, waiting for the presence of God.  God was not in the power of the wind, the earthquake, the fire, but God made his presence known in a gentle whisper.  It dawned on me that in order to hear the whisper you need two things – quiet and to listen.

In my study of this I am becoming more convinced that the spiritual realm, the kingdom of God is closer than I am willing to admit or realize. The Kingdom of God is not just Jesus coming to earth and saving us from our sins–alone.  In the darkness that invades me, it has snuck up on me, but as it does it creates a fury around me.  It becomes loud in my head and confuses me and invites me into the darkness to hide.  I have hidden in the darkness before, I don’t want to fight, I hurt, I just want to hide, but in the darkness it swallows you and becomes a place of torment and is anything but peace.

The bible says that the Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want.  He makes me lay down by still waters he restores my soul. God gently whispers, and sometimes we forget to pause seek some quiet time and contemplate who, what, and the relationship we have with God. Society today allows no time for rest, quiet.  When was the last time you sat perfectly quiet, for a length of time. I don’t remember.

My Grandfather was a man of faith.  A man of few words, but besides being a farmer, he was also a writer.  My Grandfather was very outspoken about political issues, and farming restraints that the Government was putting on farmers at the time.  He wrote under a pen name that no one knew it was him, till the day he died.  The newspaper he wrote for, published a full-page article on him and all he spoke about and about his life. One thing about being a farmer – you have time to think.  You have 150 acres to plow, seed, combine, plow again, you sit on tractor for a long period of time and have quiet time with your thoughts. Being a Mom and working full-time I am lucky for time with my thoughts.  We should all strive to have more time like my Grandfather.

In my quiet time, I carved out today, my thoughts were about God and how the bible says don’t be afraid, don’t be anxious, don’t worry, do not fear.  These are the words of God.  He leads us by still waters he whispers, he is gentle and his yoke is easy.  I forget these things.  In the same way when my pastor said “just trust God” I was dumb founded by the simple answer that I forgot.  Is any of this New to me— no.  I know and have relied on all these things in the past.  I forgot. My untrustworthy mind forgot.  So to trust I have to take quiet time to refresh my heart and allow God to gently whisper the things I forget. When I have an anxiety attack or panic attack or become surrounded by the darkness, I can’t hear the gently whisper.  My mind is a rage of noise and its part of the devil trying to steal me away.  I am not saying this will keep me from having an episode, for the chemicals in my brain continue to swirl.  It will help me to cut through the noise, at some point.  I just need to remember.

I guess this is also where my support system comes in.  My husband has always said when I have an episode – “what is truth” for the devil and the conversations I have in my head can lead me away from this truth.  I start to distrust my mind, I begin to distrust my heart, I feel exposed, I hurt, I begin to hate myself.  It is as if I am caught in a torrent of water and rocks and dangers flooding me away to where I do not want to go.  God’s river is quiet, peaceful, deep. These are the things I forget.

till next time …………………