Things I forget


Back to work after 2 weeks off for Christmas break.  Two weeks of parties, and bad food, lots of drinking, and no working out.  Praise God for stretchy pants, because I am sure I am not going to fit into my dress pants anytime soon.

Today I started back to work and my work out.  I am going to be sore tomorrow and I know it but I have to say that I loved it.  I dreaded going back to work but I got there and realized I love time off but I love my job too, I was glad to be back.

I had a low point yesterday – Sunday.  I don’t like low points but it was a dip, I feel better today.  My first thought this morning was don’t fret, trust God – don’t allow the devil to confuse you, just trust.  I then had the thought how?  I can give my problems to God, but how do you trust everyday.  During my last low point; when I realized that what I was confused about, I had to release and trust God.  I was trying to hard to be in control that I was trusting me, when I should have but my energy into trusting God.  When I realized how tight I was holding things and how crazy it was, when I realized that I needed to give it to God, relief flooded where confusion laid.  Sometimes when your back is against the wall, when you are confused and hurting it is easier; I think, to let go of the control and allow God to take over.  So I contemplate today how when feeling better do you trust.

Today I was reading about Elijah, waiting for the presence of God.  God was not in the power of the wind, the earthquake, the fire, but God made his presence known in a gentle whisper.  It dawned on me that in order to hear the whisper you need two things – quiet and to listen.

In my study of this I am becoming more convinced that the spiritual realm, the kingdom of God is closer than I am willing to admit or realize. The Kingdom of God is not just Jesus coming to earth and saving us from our sins–alone.  In the darkness that invades me, it has snuck up on me, but as it does it creates a fury around me.  It becomes loud in my head and confuses me and invites me into the darkness to hide.  I have hidden in the darkness before, I don’t want to fight, I hurt, I just want to hide, but in the darkness it swallows you and becomes a place of torment and is anything but peace.

The bible says that the Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want.  He makes me lay down by still waters he restores my soul. God gently whispers, and sometimes we forget to pause seek some quiet time and contemplate who, what, and the relationship we have with God. Society today allows no time for rest, quiet.  When was the last time you sat perfectly quiet, for a length of time. I don’t remember.

My Grandfather was a man of faith.  A man of few words, but besides being a farmer, he was also a writer.  My Grandfather was very outspoken about political issues, and farming restraints that the Government was putting on farmers at the time.  He wrote under a pen name that no one knew it was him, till the day he died.  The newspaper he wrote for, published a full-page article on him and all he spoke about and about his life. One thing about being a farmer – you have time to think.  You have 150 acres to plow, seed, combine, plow again, you sit on tractor for a long period of time and have quiet time with your thoughts. Being a Mom and working full-time I am lucky for time with my thoughts.  We should all strive to have more time like my Grandfather.

In my quiet time, I carved out today, my thoughts were about God and how the bible says don’t be afraid, don’t be anxious, don’t worry, do not fear.  These are the words of God.  He leads us by still waters he whispers, he is gentle and his yoke is easy.  I forget these things.  In the same way when my pastor said “just trust God” I was dumb founded by the simple answer that I forgot.  Is any of this New to me— no.  I know and have relied on all these things in the past.  I forgot. My untrustworthy mind forgot.  So to trust I have to take quiet time to refresh my heart and allow God to gently whisper the things I forget. When I have an anxiety attack or panic attack or become surrounded by the darkness, I can’t hear the gently whisper.  My mind is a rage of noise and its part of the devil trying to steal me away.  I am not saying this will keep me from having an episode, for the chemicals in my brain continue to swirl.  It will help me to cut through the noise, at some point.  I just need to remember.

I guess this is also where my support system comes in.  My husband has always said when I have an episode – “what is truth” for the devil and the conversations I have in my head can lead me away from this truth.  I start to distrust my mind, I begin to distrust my heart, I feel exposed, I hurt, I begin to hate myself.  It is as if I am caught in a torrent of water and rocks and dangers flooding me away to where I do not want to go.  God’s river is quiet, peaceful, deep. These are the things I forget.

till next time …………………

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