I committed professional suicide last week. I like to think that I have hidden my depression over the past 3 years.. Maybe not. something happened that made me angry, in relation to some one in the office. Long story short, Im in a union. nothing can be done, I expressed my displeasure about the situation to the Admin. I just wanted it to be on record. They now treat me like a crazy lady. Anything I do they are all over me, for I must be stressed. The principals last words on Friday to a fellow co worker beside my desk. “I am glad its a short week cause people need a break or sleep or something they are freaking out”

So the thing that I was always afraid of has happened. They are treating me like a crazy person, taking work away from me not to over load me, its not that busy at work, Im not over load. People tiptoeing round me – I guess they think I will explode. I didnt explode I wrote a open letter to the Admin so it could be kept on recored for situation that happened. Now its on file as against me, for anger issues, or “something must be wrong with ya” And they are not talking to me about it – at all.
I am gobsmacked
I tried to tell my husband about it. Friday night he wanted to go out, and he shut me down. We went to our local pub and I started with a tequila, and glass of wine. Saturday I spent home alone – had a nap. Said nothing about anything for the evening – my husband comments I have that down look. wants me to perk up, I start to talk about what I am thinking and he kept interupting me and I did explode -not like the first breakdown I had, but enough to freak my husband. I lock myself in our bedroom. He slept on the couch.
It wasnt till late the next day my husband confides that I truely scared him.
So like the people I work with, my husband also is tiptoeing around me. Its Monday and he has emailed me twice and text once. He hates to text and its only Lunch time now.
Funny thing is – we have this campaign against antibullying, and mental health going on at school. We have assemblies and meetings, education sessions, any child in the school who may have issues are well looked after, and Im not saying that is wrong, Lord knows they need help. But if it is an adult- well “what is wrong with u? smartin up.”
It just adds to the feeling of unlove, that already are tormenting you. Where do all those feelings come from. Why does a person feel so unloved when they are of course loved. It goes back to every person who bullied You as a child, every angry word a sibling ever said to u, snide remark from fellow workers, friends, So called friends that smile up front and stab in the back, people who tollerate you, use you, hate on you. That is where it comes from,the devil just likes to stir the pot make it unbareable. I know as a christian I am loved, and I should forgive, as Jesus did. The prayer I held onto this past Sunday was, Jesus was nailed to the cross he said “Father Forgive then for they do not know what they are doing” so you slowly forgive and release the hurt. but there are still scars.

…….

Monday….well another week, I haven’t slept much in the last few days, but I managed 5 hours last night so better.  The dizzy spells are still there, the urge to cry is very much slightly below the surface, and on occasion I have to bit my lip to control it. Actually everything is just below the surface. My turmoil of thoughts are not what they were before at the worest of my depression,  they are just clutter. But the clutter acts like a fog, it takes a lot of concentration to read and work.

The waves of tears concern me the most. They come on like a stomach flu, you are fine fine fine, dry heave fine. I think it’s concerning cause they come on so strong…its not a cry, it’s a  hit in the  stomach sob.  My friend got a great job offer in another city- after the “hey wow that is great, “. pleasantries (and it is an amazing offer) I ran to the nearest bathroom and cried. I was wearing sun glasses Thank God, so when I came back out they could see my blood shot eyes.  Then I get mad…get into control lady! turmole of mind and negative thoughts. Your nuts, out of control how u going to function if everytime someone says something you lose it. Usual lines, fat, weak, fear, fog brain, turmoil.

I know how this reads, whine in over time. And ya it is for the mist part. But one day I am going to put this all into a book and I want to remember the fear, facts, and how the drugs effect me. This blog is my therapy – lay it out on the table, call it what it is- as thought of by a comprimized point of view.

This is how a depressed mind functions. It sees things not in a logical light. Some one could say “oh I know you don’t like….” whatever. and the depressed mind starts a rampage of “what the hell do you know about me. – or you say to your self see I am not acceptable to others, ( I put that in a kind way- reality it would be a list of swear, peppered with a list of negative and a side of anger and self harm, for being such discussing a person) turmoil of the mind.

Till next time…..

I was at a retreat in Niagara for the past 48 hours. I stayed in a 5 star hotel, spa, fantastic food, great speakers, around fellow office workers it was a great time together with friends and co workers.  I did have some fun.

but
I was miserable. I kept having wave and wave of tears flow over me. I would be fine, the next moment I was biteing the inside of my lip to keep from crying. My heart would pound I would shake, I feel like an addict going through withdrawal.

I feel like I am back at square one.  I have the thoughts of cutting myself, I have thoughts of starving myself.  the only thing is this time I know how.  I could be sitting having lunch with my office manager and the next thing I feel this wave of tears come over me and I could sob for who knows how long.   I bit my lip get that under control and then I am angry, I could rip the head off of the next person who crosses me.

This afternoon I had to walk out of a session because I was so close to losing it I couldn’t control myself.  I went to the washroom, called the anxiety clinic at Credit Valley Hospital– I go the answering machine……………seriously!

Here I am standing in a stall calling the clinic that was supposed to be there for me when I was in trouble and I get :”sorry we missed your call please leave a message and I will get back to you as so as I can”   needless to say I didn’t feel uplifted by this.  So I left a message had a good cry cleaned myself up and went back to work.

I didn’t sleep last night didn’t the night before maybe tonight

till next time………………..

Thursday am.   Feeling really down and agitated. Feel like everyone got stupid all of a sudden, everyone is asking dumb questions and I don’t understand them. My heart is racing again….even my heart can’t get things right. the dizzy spells continue, I haven’t lost any of the weight I put on a half a year ago despite my work outs 5 times a week and strict eating timed specifically around the work outs, I can not eat any more cleanly or specifically .  This dam body and mind hate me and will not function logically. Or correctly. Joy and happiness is a fools goal, they are but fleeting ideas of nonsense. Reality there is just pain, suffering, and a random idea  of hope.

Update…. I got up this morning to the singing birds, I lay in bed and listened to them begin their praises to God at 5:45 am.  The alarm goes off and I start the usual morning routine.  Shower, makeup, get dressed do hair, coffee.  I sat on the edge of my bed and I can see east to the beautiful rising sun, complete with reds and yellows and more birds singing, I was happy it was peaceful.  Then it came, a tidal wave swamped me, left me drenched and shaking.  I had a wave of sadness drop on me.  I sat there sobbing.  It passed but left me shaken up for the day.

It was also a realization just how much the pills push down.  On the other side of the pills – when I was taking them, I felt the push down, I felt the  lack of emotion when I should have felt something.  I could feel no feeling.  I played in a youth band and before the pills I had a hard time singing some of the songs because the emotion of the song would choke me up.  When I started on the pills I could feel them pushed down. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying I liked that, its hard to express emotion in a song or to your loved ones when the emotion and feelings are squished to the depths of your boots.

I realized that I have to relearn how to hold, express and control these emotions, its easy to function when they are being held down.  I think I am ready for this step….I am still taking one anti depressant so I am covered, but its like taking off a cast and learning to walk again.  When you spend the time learning to walk again, you risk injuring yourself again as the leg gets slowly stronger.  It is that concern I have for me at this point as I relearn how to handle the emotions, and hope not to risk injuring myself again.

till next time……………..