I committed professional suicide last week. I like to think that I have hidden my depression over the past 3 years.. Maybe not. something happened that made me angry, in relation to some one in the office. Long story short, Im in a union. nothing can be done, I expressed my displeasure about the situation to the Admin. I just wanted it to be on record. They now treat me like a crazy lady. Anything I do they are all over me, for I must be stressed. The principals last words on Friday to a fellow co worker beside my desk. “I am glad its a short week cause people need a break or sleep or something they are freaking out”
So the thing that I was always afraid of has happened. They are treating me like a crazy person, taking work away from me not to over load me, its not that busy at work, Im not over load. People tiptoeing round me – I guess they think I will explode. I didnt explode I wrote a open letter to the Admin so it could be kept on recored for situation that happened. Now its on file as against me, for anger issues, or “something must be wrong with ya” And they are not talking to me about it – at all.
I am gobsmacked
I tried to tell my husband about it. Friday night he wanted to go out, and he shut me down. We went to our local pub and I started with a tequila, and glass of wine. Saturday I spent home alone – had a nap. Said nothing about anything for the evening – my husband comments I have that down look. wants me to perk up, I start to talk about what I am thinking and he kept interupting me and I did explode -not like the first breakdown I had, but enough to freak my husband. I lock myself in our bedroom. He slept on the couch.
It wasnt till late the next day my husband confides that I truely scared him.
So like the people I work with, my husband also is tiptoeing around me. Its Monday and he has emailed me twice and text once. He hates to text and its only Lunch time now.
Funny thing is – we have this campaign against antibullying, and mental health going on at school. We have assemblies and meetings, education sessions, any child in the school who may have issues are well looked after, and Im not saying that is wrong, Lord knows they need help. But if it is an adult- well “what is wrong with u? smartin up.”
It just adds to the feeling of unlove, that already are tormenting you. Where do all those feelings come from. Why does a person feel so unloved when they are of course loved. It goes back to every person who bullied You as a child, every angry word a sibling ever said to u, snide remark from fellow workers, friends, So called friends that smile up front and stab in the back, people who tollerate you, use you, hate on you. That is where it comes from,the devil just likes to stir the pot make it unbareable. I know as a christian I am loved, and I should forgive, as Jesus did. The prayer I held onto this past Sunday was, Jesus was nailed to the cross he said “Father Forgive then for they do not know what they are doing” so you slowly forgive and release the hurt. but there are still scars.