Monday….well another week, I haven’t slept much in the last few days, but I managed 5 hours last night so better. The dizzy spells are still there, the urge to cry is very much slightly below the surface, and on occasion I have to bit my lip to control it. Actually everything is just below the surface. My turmoil of thoughts are not what they were before at the worest of my depression, they are just clutter. But the clutter acts like a fog, it takes a lot of concentration to read and work.
The waves of tears concern me the most. They come on like a stomach flu, you are fine fine fine, dry heave fine. I think it’s concerning cause they come on so strong…its not a cry, it’s a hit in the stomach sob. My friend got a great job offer in another city- after the “hey wow that is great, “. pleasantries (and it is an amazing offer) I ran to the nearest bathroom and cried. I was wearing sun glasses Thank God, so when I came back out they could see my blood shot eyes. Then I get mad…get into control lady! turmole of mind and negative thoughts. Your nuts, out of control how u going to function if everytime someone says something you lose it. Usual lines, fat, weak, fear, fog brain, turmoil.
I know how this reads, whine in over time. And ya it is for the mist part. But one day I am going to put this all into a book and I want to remember the fear, facts, and how the drugs effect me. This blog is my therapy – lay it out on the table, call it what it is- as thought of by a comprimized point of view.
This is how a depressed mind functions. It sees things not in a logical light. Some one could say “oh I know you don’t like….” whatever. and the depressed mind starts a rampage of “what the hell do you know about me. – or you say to your self see I am not acceptable to others, ( I put that in a kind way- reality it would be a list of swear, peppered with a list of negative and a side of anger and self harm, for being such discussing a person) turmoil of the mind.
Till next time…..