I should have known that if I tell my Mother my feelings and what is going on she would prescribe her own theory as to my problems and miss label.
I spent the weekend at my Mothers helping my husband build a fence for her. We worked very hard and built it in record time.
Saturday night Mom and I were sitting in the back yard enjoying a glass of wine. I have been telling her over time what kind of hell I have been in for the past couple of years. I tell her about the drugs and the other issues I have had. She listens and asks a couple of questions. . She doesn’t look me in the eye when we are talking. She keeps a continuous flow of hmmms and oh really’s as I talk. I start to feel the anxiety rise in me but I am not letting myself give in– I forgot my anxiety meds and I am not letting myself freak out. I sooth myself with another glass of wine. Not a good choise. After a while we have nothing else to say about it, the subject gets changed and I have no idea what she is thinking. We go to bed shortly after that where I spend a night of restlessness and mapping out the ceiling of the guest room, as I lay awake and blink myself into the morning.
Next morning Mom has the coffee on – its hot and strong just what I need. She comes over and puts an arm around me, something I do to her but not so much the other way. She tells me “Oh I know what your problems are, you just are feeling empty nest syndrome. Get a hobby and you’ll be just fine. ” If I wasn’t slightly hung over and tired from lack of sleep I would have argued with her, left to go on a run, get away from what I know is coming next. But I had no energy so I turn all my attention to my coffee, (who knew coffee could be so interesting little bubbles, swirls of cream,) while she gives me the wisdom on what hobby things might interest me.
We leave later that day when the fence is done. I don’t discuss this with my husband. I feel so let down. My Mom thinks this thing is a controllable thing. I have spent hours telling her what depression is really like and explaining why a 65year husband of a friend of hers hung himself. That is was a result of depression and what the mind does and the tricks it plays.
She doesn’t get it. What do you do? I have run into so many people who condemn depression as a self-made thing — just snap out of it be happy! These people; when I figure out how they think, I would never admit to them my illness. I leave Mom with her dillusions and decide never to bring the subject up again — to anyone.
till next time……..