I should have known.


I should have known that if I tell my Mother my feelings and what is going on she would prescribe her own theory as to my problems and miss label.

I spent the weekend at my Mothers helping my husband build a fence for her.   We worked very hard and built it in record time.

Saturday night Mom and I were sitting in the back yard enjoying a glass of wine.  I have been telling her over time what kind of hell I have been in for the past couple of years.  I tell her about the drugs and the other issues I have had.  She listens and asks a couple of questions. .  She doesn’t look me in the eye when we are talking.  She keeps a continuous flow of hmmms and oh really’s as I talk.  I start to feel the anxiety rise in me but I am not letting myself give in– I forgot my anxiety meds and I am not letting myself freak out.  I sooth myself with another glass of wine.  Not a good choise.   After a while we have nothing else to say about it, the subject gets changed and I have no idea what she is thinking.  We go to bed shortly after that where I spend a night of restlessness and mapping out the ceiling of the guest room, as I lay awake and blink myself into the morning.

Next morning Mom has the coffee on – its hot and strong just what I need.  She comes over and puts an arm around me, something I do to her but not so much the other way.  She tells me “Oh I know what your problems are, you just are feeling empty nest syndrome.  Get a hobby and you’ll be just fine. ” If I wasn’t slightly hung over and tired from lack of sleep I would have argued with her, left to go on a run, get away from what I know is coming next.  But I had no energy so I turn all my attention to my coffee, (who knew coffee could be so interesting little bubbles, swirls of cream,) while she gives me the wisdom on what hobby things might interest me.

We leave later that day when the fence is done.  I don’t discuss this with my husband.  I feel so let down.  My Mom thinks this thing is a controllable thing.  I have spent hours telling her what depression is really like and explaining why a 65year husband of a friend of hers hung himself.  That is was a result of depression and what the mind does and the tricks it plays.

She doesn’t get it.  What do you do? I have run into so many people who condemn depression as a self-made thing — just snap out of it be happy!  These people; when I figure out how they think,  I  would never admit to them my illness.  I leave Mom with her dillusions and decide never to bring the subject up again — to anyone.

till next time……..

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June 12


Just got home from work.  Its a Tuesday and I biked the 45 minute ride home.  The wind left over for a afternoon thunderstorm  pushing against me all the way home. I made it, there was times I thought – they may have to send a search party for me. Trying to stay fit, well I was really fit running half marathons, working out in the early hours of the morning before work, all gone.  I’m lucky if I can pry my clenched unwilling hands from my pillow let alone drop and do 30 pushups.  But biking is perfict.  Gets my heart going and well to behonest, I have no other way of getting home, so I have to bike.   I was late coming home.  I stopped at the drug store to renew my prescription.  I have had a few struggles over the past little while, but sometimes I believe I am my own worst enemie.  I ran out of one of my pills 4 days ago.  At bed time, I would think – darn it forgot to get them again, the next morning slip my mind.  I know I will pay for this later this week but for now I am angry that I can’t remember the darn perscription.

I went to a meeting on Thursday night and because I missed two meetings I really felt called to do the minutes, we take turns doing it.  But I should never have volenterred.  I could not get my mind to concentrate I was having a really tough time following the meeting and taking the minutes.  I was so upset by the end of the meeting I packed my laptop and took off before anyone could say anything to me.  Unsettled mind, I find this fustrating.

The rest of the weekend was great spent some time with friends, did alot of work in the back yard Sunday and got our back yard back into shape after building a new fence. Work this week has been nuts we are heading up to year end at school but that means commencement and year end and that means alot of work for me.  It was crazy today, but I like busy keeps me from thinking.

Its a tough time a year, trying to hold it together mentally and trying to stay focused.  That is the fustrating part.  Its like having a lot of work to do and your drunk.  Except your not happy.  My chemicals in my mind just don’t make me sad, however that happens, it changes how your think, you can’t multi task and follow through on the work.

but I guess it is what it is…..

Darkness of Gods Hand


The book of Job, God allows all thatJob loves and holds dear on this earth to be destroyed.  So that God can show the devil that Job is a man of God and will not turn his heart or tongue against God.  Did he grieve, did he feel the pain of losing everything, yes.  Did he turn himself from God. No.  I feel that I would not do so good at not speaking against God. Oswald Chambers talks of being held in the darkness of Gods hand to learn how to listen.   It is in the depths of struggle we learn more about ourselves, I think, than at any other time.

I have been in that struggle lately.  It is a heart/head  struggle.  I have written lately of the pain of the negative voices that haunt me these days.  There is also a struggle of light and dark too.  It’s not just voices fighting against voices.   It is a struggle of pain and confusion.  I am struggling against a deep pain I do not understand.  I feel it deep within but not understanding its source.  This makes me confused and unsure of how or what I am feeling.  I was reading a book written by a christian woman who wrote about the promises of God and clinging to them when you are in that dark place.  I can’t read this book when I am in …. this place.  It’s hard to describe where I am.  It’s not dark nor evil.  I am on a plain neither knowing which way to go.  My left and my right look the same.  I do now know which way will lead me to God or away from God.  I don’t understand this pain in my heart.  I am confused about direction, scripture, understanding.  I do know God will not forsake me.  The longer I stand still on this plain the more I feel anxious.  I should be moving, I have to progress, but I am loss.  I continue to look left, right, slowly turning but not seeing anything– every angle looks the same.

Maybe  this is why I want to run, or turtle.  I should move, I feel to stay here is dangerous.  I feel there is something I should be understanding or get that will move or protect me or lead me, but its like I can’t quite grasp what it is.  A whisper I don’t quite hear or understand.

So today I stand here– feeling the depth of this pain in my heart, and pray that God open my ears to hear and my eyes to see, for I can not rely on my own understanding, or know which way to go.

Maybe that is the point

Till next time ……………………….

Turtle


Monday— the dreaded start of the week.  I was talking to a close friend of mine about how we wish our weeks away.  I do not want to wish my life away.  I want to savor everyday the Lord has made.  Some days savoring is better than others

Saturday I was fighting off the urge to cry, in the process of this my house is so clean!! That makes me feel better.  But it was a distraction from what was going on in my heart.

Sunday, I turtled.  Stayed home away from people, didn’t go to church, didn’t call my Mother.  My daughter did manage to drag me to the mall for some shopping but we lasted an hour before I insisted we go home.  She was happy enough,  so good.  My husband worked on a fence with our neighbour almost done, he was busy.  It was bad enough every few hours he would come in and want to know how I was, if I was ok.  Nagging– I know it was in love I just wanted to do things and deal with it on my own.     I felt like I was stoned. ( I wasn’t )  I didn’t  feel, I didn’t think, I barely did anything, I just sat in the yard or in the front room and stared off in the distance, read a book off and on all day.

Monday and I feel a little better — still have the sensation that I want to break down and cry or just break down.  I am tired soo tired I can’t seem to shake this feeling.  I go to bed in good time but I can’t seem to sleep.  Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, but I will eventually get it.  I just have to reach a point of exhaustion where I collapse and sleep for hours.

Sometimes I think that a hospital would be great.  Check myself in, hid in a room cuddle my pillow, give instructions that I don’t want to see anyone and just try to sleep.  I could never do that.  My children would be embarrassed and it would stress them and my husband out.  Worry people I don’t want to worry.

Sometimes I feel like I could run away, find a cottage or get my camping trailer and hid in the bush.  I am used to being in the bush I could handle that no problem.

Reality…… all these things are partly devil related.  I allow him to poke me and prod me, to stress me.  I hear the voices that say I am no good, fat, unworthy.  I hear the negativity that wants to block out my joy and happiness.  I have to remember that as overwhelming these voices are – I need to remain in God’s love.  To remain attached to the vein, growing in faith and keeping connected to the living God.

There is the rub………………..some days its hard

The best I can do is try.

till next time………………

Saturday afternoon


Crazy week lots to do get done, work has been insane.  Its been a good week.  I applied the other week for a new job at my office and I am on the short list to be interviewed.  Good News.  I feel like I accomplished a lot.  I am trying to clean my house and put it in order.  We had to put down one of our kitties last weekend.  It was sad, and I miss her but she was old and I didn’t want her to suffer.  The house feels weird with out here our other kitty seems to have adjusted.  The one left wasn’t the dominate one and now rules the house so she is happy.  She has been wandering the house looking for our old kitty but seems to have settled down this weekend.

I have done ok this week, but I can’t help over the past day or so feel like I want to cry.  That is how I know I need to brace myself.  It always starts that way.  I am functioning fine.  I am tired — so tired, and then the feeling like I could break down and cry starts to settle in.  I’m not sad, I just have this nagging feeling that something else is going on.  Its like I doing my work, looking after the house, kids, and something somewhere had died and I forgot about it for a while and I need to mourn it.   It’s not the kitty.  I have always felt this way when I start to head in a down feeling.  It doesn’t always carry through.  I find when the feeling of crying starts to come over me I pull back from people.  I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to see the pity or perceived pity  people have in their eyes.

I am cutting this short I wanted to express my feelings today as I move from laundry to cleaning my kitchen floor.  Sometimes acknowledgement can nip it in the bud.  I’m not sure about today– but keeping busy and polishing my house distracts me from the lump in my heart.

later………………………….