Monday— the dreaded start of the week. I was talking to a close friend of mine about how we wish our weeks away. I do not want to wish my life away. I want to savor everyday the Lord has made. Some days savoring is better than others
Saturday I was fighting off the urge to cry, in the process of this my house is so clean!! That makes me feel better. But it was a distraction from what was going on in my heart.
Sunday, I turtled. Stayed home away from people, didn’t go to church, didn’t call my Mother. My daughter did manage to drag me to the mall for some shopping but we lasted an hour before I insisted we go home. She was happy enough, so good. My husband worked on a fence with our neighbour almost done, he was busy. It was bad enough every few hours he would come in and want to know how I was, if I was ok. Nagging– I know it was in love I just wanted to do things and deal with it on my own. I felt like I was stoned. ( I wasn’t ) I didn’t feel, I didn’t think, I barely did anything, I just sat in the yard or in the front room and stared off in the distance, read a book off and on all day.
Monday and I feel a little better — still have the sensation that I want to break down and cry or just break down. I am tired soo tired I can’t seem to shake this feeling. I go to bed in good time but I can’t seem to sleep. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, but I will eventually get it. I just have to reach a point of exhaustion where I collapse and sleep for hours.
Sometimes I think that a hospital would be great. Check myself in, hid in a room cuddle my pillow, give instructions that I don’t want to see anyone and just try to sleep. I could never do that. My children would be embarrassed and it would stress them and my husband out. Worry people I don’t want to worry.
Sometimes I feel like I could run away, find a cottage or get my camping trailer and hid in the bush. I am used to being in the bush I could handle that no problem.
Reality…… all these things are partly devil related. I allow him to poke me and prod me, to stress me. I hear the voices that say I am no good, fat, unworthy. I hear the negativity that wants to block out my joy and happiness. I have to remember that as overwhelming these voices are – I need to remain in God’s love. To remain attached to the vein, growing in faith and keeping connected to the living God.
There is the rub………………..some days its hard
The best I can do is try.
till next time………………