The book of Job, God allows all thatJob loves and holds dear on this earth to be destroyed. So that God can show the devil that Job is a man of God and will not turn his heart or tongue against God. Did he grieve, did he feel the pain of losing everything, yes. Did he turn himself from God. No. I feel that I would not do so good at not speaking against God. Oswald Chambers talks of being held in the darkness of Gods hand to learn how to listen. It is in the depths of struggle we learn more about ourselves, I think, than at any other time.
I have been in that struggle lately. It is a heart/head struggle. I have written lately of the pain of the negative voices that haunt me these days. There is also a struggle of light and dark too. It’s not just voices fighting against voices. It is a struggle of pain and confusion. I am struggling against a deep pain I do not understand. I feel it deep within but not understanding its source. This makes me confused and unsure of how or what I am feeling. I was reading a book written by a christian woman who wrote about the promises of God and clinging to them when you are in that dark place. I can’t read this book when I am in …. this place. It’s hard to describe where I am. It’s not dark nor evil. I am on a plain neither knowing which way to go. My left and my right look the same. I do now know which way will lead me to God or away from God. I don’t understand this pain in my heart. I am confused about direction, scripture, understanding. I do know God will not forsake me. The longer I stand still on this plain the more I feel anxious. I should be moving, I have to progress, but I am loss. I continue to look left, right, slowly turning but not seeing anything– every angle looks the same.
Maybe this is why I want to run, or turtle. I should move, I feel to stay here is dangerous. I feel there is something I should be understanding or get that will move or protect me or lead me, but its like I can’t quite grasp what it is. A whisper I don’t quite hear or understand.
So today I stand here– feeling the depth of this pain in my heart, and pray that God open my ears to hear and my eyes to see, for I can not rely on my own understanding, or know which way to go.
Maybe that is the point
Till next time ……………………….