Sleeping Beauty

January two more official vacation days and  a weekend till I go back to work.  Its 10:27  am on Thursday, I just got out of bed— I went to bed at 11pm.  I have been sleeping so much the past two weeks.  I have been averaging 10 hours a night, plus a nap.  I have never slept that much before.  Its kinda weird.  I guess I needed it but I usually don’t sleep that much.  Depression usually disrupts my sleep patterns.  Last week was solid sleeps, this week a little more up and down but still getting sleep.  I have been suffering with night sweats, which means I get up once a night change my jammies, have some water go back to bed. I have had a cold, I have been coughing some times at night, so this week I have not had a solid sleep but still getting lots of sleep.

I am still feeling good.  I can’t say normal– but to be honest I am not sure I remember what normal is anymore, but I feel more even, right now.  I have no energy.  I must admit I have only worked out once in the past week and a half.  It was a good one but kinda sad.  Christmas is hard on the waist line, so working out is a must, but I will make up for it when I get back into routine.  I am not beating myself up, just a comment.  I figure if I am sleeping so much then that is more important than working out.

My husband is bored with hanging around home – I am fine with it – I like to be home.  Sometimes too much it becomes my hide out.  It’s just nice to hang out with the kids and hubby and watch a movie or two and read.   After a couple more days my son will be back to school and I am not sure when I will see him next – maybe reading week, or Easter.  I will miss him so much, it will be hard.  My daughter has one more month at her old highschool till she switches to her new highschool.  She is flexing into the school I work at!  She said she would never do that, but her school is proving not to be a good fit for her so she will spend her last year and half at my school to pick up grades and get ready for post secondary education.  I am sure this will not be stressful.  (small bit of humour)  2013 should be an interesting year.

till next time………



Monday— the dreaded start of the week.  I was talking to a close friend of mine about how we wish our weeks away.  I do not want to wish my life away.  I want to savor everyday the Lord has made.  Some days savoring is better than others

Saturday I was fighting off the urge to cry, in the process of this my house is so clean!! That makes me feel better.  But it was a distraction from what was going on in my heart.

Sunday, I turtled.  Stayed home away from people, didn’t go to church, didn’t call my Mother.  My daughter did manage to drag me to the mall for some shopping but we lasted an hour before I insisted we go home.  She was happy enough,  so good.  My husband worked on a fence with our neighbour almost done, he was busy.  It was bad enough every few hours he would come in and want to know how I was, if I was ok.  Nagging– I know it was in love I just wanted to do things and deal with it on my own.     I felt like I was stoned. ( I wasn’t )  I didn’t  feel, I didn’t think, I barely did anything, I just sat in the yard or in the front room and stared off in the distance, read a book off and on all day.

Monday and I feel a little better — still have the sensation that I want to break down and cry or just break down.  I am tired soo tired I can’t seem to shake this feeling.  I go to bed in good time but I can’t seem to sleep.  Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, but I will eventually get it.  I just have to reach a point of exhaustion where I collapse and sleep for hours.

Sometimes I think that a hospital would be great.  Check myself in, hid in a room cuddle my pillow, give instructions that I don’t want to see anyone and just try to sleep.  I could never do that.  My children would be embarrassed and it would stress them and my husband out.  Worry people I don’t want to worry.

Sometimes I feel like I could run away, find a cottage or get my camping trailer and hid in the bush.  I am used to being in the bush I could handle that no problem.

Reality…… all these things are partly devil related.  I allow him to poke me and prod me, to stress me.  I hear the voices that say I am no good, fat, unworthy.  I hear the negativity that wants to block out my joy and happiness.  I have to remember that as overwhelming these voices are – I need to remain in God’s love.  To remain attached to the vein, growing in faith and keeping connected to the living God.

There is the rub………………..some days its hard

The best I can do is try.

till next time………………

Wind has picked up!

The weekend has come and gone, another run around weekend taking my son to open house at his college for next year, running my daughter to field hockey tournament.  My house is a disaster, but that is the price of having kids and a life.  That is what I keep telling myself.  If I had no life my house would be clean and tidy all the time, but I have a life and that is why it looks like hurricane Hazel has gone through.  The only thing if a hurricane went through why do I still have tumble weeds from the cats losing their winter fur, they should have blown through.  If it were so easy.

 I have been struggling a bit this week.  I can ‘t say I have dipped or fell,  I am still sitting on my ledge however the wind has picked up and don’t feel safe sitting out there kicking my feet.  I have my back against the wall hoping the wind dies down.  I haven’t been sleeping again,  I slept so well a few weeks ago, I miss my old friend- sleep.  Sleep is such a temperamental thing.  You think about it all day “I’m tired”  “oh my pillow is going to feel so good when I get home.”  You look forward to it all day the then you lay there blinking at the ceiling thinking –Seriously!  Then the pillow finally gets really soft 20 minutes before the alarm goes off.  Uggg!  I am taking a mental health day this week.  I have a day when the students don’t have school so I am calling in to take a day to sleep and get myself together, and clean the house.  Woe to the child or husband who messes it up!

I was talking to a friend who also suffers from depression, we were discussing the ins and outs of what this disease entails.  First off the Doctor appointments.  The never ending follow ups.  Did this work? Add this med, take away that med.  The running to the pharmacy for prescriptions to be filled.  Remembering to preorder so you don’t stand around Shoppers for half an hour.  The putting yourself together.  Some days it easy to get up and get dressed and go out the door confidently.  Some days it takes all my strength to crawl in the shower.   The days your brain is confused the time it takes to sit and sort out the thoughts.  The lies from the truths, the emotion from the issues.   The days you feel like running away or hiding.  The days you really don’t want to deal with people, cooking supper, shopping, life.  All these things takes effort, organization, being on top of it.   The process is almost depressing!  I know bad joke but it is.  

The emotional side of things;  you feel out of sorts, you feel like a freak, you feel like you are less of a women, you feel like you have lost your mind.   You feel like you have a disability.  You feel that people don’t take you seriously.  “Oh she just has to brighten up lighten up”  I have learned over time not to care what people think.  I don’t tell certain people not because I am ashamed, but because they are unable to understand or empathize, or basically have a clue.  I don’t have the time to worry about them,  I am too busy keeping it together. 

On a positive note, my eating habits have gotten better.  I am eating healthier.  I have been making an effort to exercise often.  I try for 5 days a week, with a variety of options.  I have gotten back to running and biking.  I will soon try biking home from work again like I did last year, which is a good work out.   So things are getting there.   I just have to keep on top of me and schedule the workouts so I don’t get lazy and give up.  To give up is so easy.

What about God in all of this??? I read  a line this week that went :  “The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.”  God has my back always.  Sometimes I need to remember to lean on Him and not my own understanding, strength, and will.                   Amen.

till next time………………………………………..