The weekend has come and gone, another run around weekend taking my son to open house at his college for next year, running my daughter to field hockey tournament. My house is a disaster, but that is the price of having kids and a life. That is what I keep telling myself. If I had no life my house would be clean and tidy all the time, but I have a life and that is why it looks like hurricane Hazel has gone through. The only thing if a hurricane went through why do I still have tumble weeds from the cats losing their winter fur, they should have blown through. If it were so easy.
I have been struggling a bit this week. I can ‘t say I have dipped or fell, I am still sitting on my ledge however the wind has picked up and don’t feel safe sitting out there kicking my feet. I have my back against the wall hoping the wind dies down. I haven’t been sleeping again, I slept so well a few weeks ago, I miss my old friend- sleep. Sleep is such a temperamental thing. You think about it all day “I’m tired” “oh my pillow is going to feel so good when I get home.” You look forward to it all day the then you lay there blinking at the ceiling thinking –Seriously! Then the pillow finally gets really soft 20 minutes before the alarm goes off. Uggg! I am taking a mental health day this week. I have a day when the students don’t have school so I am calling in to take a day to sleep and get myself together, and clean the house. Woe to the child or husband who messes it up!
I was talking to a friend who also suffers from depression, we were discussing the ins and outs of what this disease entails. First off the Doctor appointments. The never ending follow ups. Did this work? Add this med, take away that med. The running to the pharmacy for prescriptions to be filled. Remembering to preorder so you don’t stand around Shoppers for half an hour. The putting yourself together. Some days it easy to get up and get dressed and go out the door confidently. Some days it takes all my strength to crawl in the shower. The days your brain is confused the time it takes to sit and sort out the thoughts. The lies from the truths, the emotion from the issues. The days you feel like running away or hiding. The days you really don’t want to deal with people, cooking supper, shopping, life. All these things takes effort, organization, being on top of it. The process is almost depressing! I know bad joke but it is.
The emotional side of things; you feel out of sorts, you feel like a freak, you feel like you are less of a women, you feel like you have lost your mind. You feel like you have a disability. You feel that people don’t take you seriously. “Oh she just has to brighten up lighten up” I have learned over time not to care what people think. I don’t tell certain people not because I am ashamed, but because they are unable to understand or empathize, or basically have a clue. I don’t have the time to worry about them, I am too busy keeping it together.
On a positive note, my eating habits have gotten better. I am eating healthier. I have been making an effort to exercise often. I try for 5 days a week, with a variety of options. I have gotten back to running and biking. I will soon try biking home from work again like I did last year, which is a good work out. So things are getting there. I just have to keep on top of me and schedule the workouts so I don’t get lazy and give up. To give up is so easy.
What about God in all of this??? I read a line this week that went : “The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.” God has my back always. Sometimes I need to remember to lean on Him and not my own understanding, strength, and will. Amen.
till next time………………………………………..