Update…. I got up this morning to the singing birds, I lay in bed and listened to them begin their praises to God at 5:45 am. The alarm goes off and I start the usual morning routine. Shower, makeup, get dressed do hair, coffee. I sat on the edge of my bed and I can see east to the beautiful rising sun, complete with reds and yellows and more birds singing, I was happy it was peaceful. Then it came, a tidal wave swamped me, left me drenched and shaking. I had a wave of sadness drop on me. I sat there sobbing. It passed but left me shaken up for the day.
It was also a realization just how much the pills push down. On the other side of the pills – when I was taking them, I felt the push down, I felt the lack of emotion when I should have felt something. I could feel no feeling. I played in a youth band and before the pills I had a hard time singing some of the songs because the emotion of the song would choke me up. When I started on the pills I could feel them pushed down. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying I liked that, its hard to express emotion in a song or to your loved ones when the emotion and feelings are squished to the depths of your boots.
I realized that I have to relearn how to hold, express and control these emotions, its easy to function when they are being held down. I think I am ready for this step….I am still taking one anti depressant so I am covered, but its like taking off a cast and learning to walk again. When you spend the time learning to walk again, you risk injuring yourself again as the leg gets slowly stronger. It is that concern I have for me at this point as I relearn how to handle the emotions, and hope not to risk injuring myself again.
till next time……………..