Update…. I got up this morning to the singing birds, I lay in bed and listened to them begin their praises to God at 5:45 am.  The alarm goes off and I start the usual morning routine.  Shower, makeup, get dressed do hair, coffee.  I sat on the edge of my bed and I can see east to the beautiful rising sun, complete with reds and yellows and more birds singing, I was happy it was peaceful.  Then it came, a tidal wave swamped me, left me drenched and shaking.  I had a wave of sadness drop on me.  I sat there sobbing.  It passed but left me shaken up for the day.

It was also a realization just how much the pills push down.  On the other side of the pills – when I was taking them, I felt the push down, I felt the  lack of emotion when I should have felt something.  I could feel no feeling.  I played in a youth band and before the pills I had a hard time singing some of the songs because the emotion of the song would choke me up.  When I started on the pills I could feel them pushed down. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying I liked that, its hard to express emotion in a song or to your loved ones when the emotion and feelings are squished to the depths of your boots.

I realized that I have to relearn how to hold, express and control these emotions, its easy to function when they are being held down.  I think I am ready for this step….I am still taking one anti depressant so I am covered, but its like taking off a cast and learning to walk again.  When you spend the time learning to walk again, you risk injuring yourself again as the leg gets slowly stronger.  It is that concern I have for me at this point as I relearn how to handle the emotions, and hope not to risk injuring myself again.

till next time……………..


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