battles


Monday… not all Mondays are bad.   They are the day that the Lord has made. I should rejoice and be glad in it. Some Mondays are harder than others to rejoice in that kind of furfor, however it is a beautiful sunny and warm day so it’s not all bad.

I stopped taking my Cyberlax  anti-depressant.  Its kinda like getting rid of a annoying friend. This friend doesn’t leave with a quiet exit. It slams the door stomps off and yells all the way down the hall, comes back and yells through the door some more. There are side effects of course. The shaky hands and twitching are back and the racing heart and tremors too. Today I have been fighting anxiety I think I have it under control but it is going to take a bit. I had a dizzy spell at work this morning and I’m thinking is this worth it. I mean really – I have been feeling better and my energy is up and the vitamins I am taking are making a huge difference, but getting off of this drug is so hard I am afraid once I am off what if the depression comes back, going back on it may kill me.   Too far ahead to think bout that. But for now, the side effects make me feel like I am bouncing around in a washing machine, battered and brused.

As for my daughter we have come to a truce for now. So she is behaving better and I am relaxing a bit. My husband is running interference so that helps. She had been working a lot so that have made a difference.

I have been spending a lot of time at home alone it’s  been nice to relax and just be. The turmoil in my mind lately has enjoyed the quiet.

I know I am through the worst of the depression and this is just another stage….but the stages of an illness can wear on you.

So what do I do…I plug away try to get some quiet time to sooth my mine and bite my tongue through the shakes and tremors and pray, pray that God protect me from the darkness, cause I hear it calling for me to hide in its shadows but I know that there is no peace there –only in God’s arms will I find it. I think I need to be over the top OCD about my sleeping, what I am eating or drinking. If I am tired I can slip into the darkness, eating healthy will also keep my body strong. Weakness is a foot hold for darkness. I sound like I am going into battle- but it is. As I allow the medication to seep out of my system, and adjust my chemicals to fend off naturally , imbalances –it will be a battle.

Till next time………..

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