Saturday…. its been a ok day. feeling a little better, the depth of the sadness has lifted. I have been able to stop the confusion and the loudness in my head.
I am deeply troubled by my daughter’s actions. I don’t want to go into it but what do u do when your children completely ignore the teachings u give them and throw it all away? I keep coming back to the phrase ‘sins of the Father.’ I see her doing the things I did. and don’t want her to do. The other thing I can’t stop thinking about is my depression, how my absence cause I was totally distracted by my inner darkness has left my girl alone and ignored when she needed a mother. I remember reading something she wrote stating that she thought I hated her. I can not tell u how deep that cuts. My inner turmoil gave her the impression that I hated her – when truth was, I hated myself.
I was also thinking about my childhood. My mother started to work and Dad started to travel when I was 15. I think they figured I was ok, but had they been more involved in my life I wouldn’t had made some of the mistakes I did then. Don’t get me wrong I knew my Mom and Dad loved me. I never talked to them told them my fears, hopes, dreams. I was expected to get a job get married and have babies. I didn’t do that – I wanted an education, which I was denied, farm girls didn’t go to college. It was just a sign of the times. I did go to college- on my own dine.
So I was the ignored child..a Hazard of being the youngest child. I can’t stop thinking that I stayed home and looked after my babies and then I went to work when my oldest was entering grade 9, my girl was only in grade 6. It was the right moment to get a job with the school board, but not the right time for her.
So the sins of the father.
So u can probably tell – I am feeling extremely guilty and hurt and shocked. I look at this almost 18 year old girl and think….who are you? I have to remember she is my lovely little girl. The mistakes she makes are hers. And there is nothing I can do about that- I can yell, freak, and impress upon her what I believe is right. But in the end God gave us free will and she will do what she thinks.
In the mean time. I need to love her – impress upon her the rules that she needs to follow in our home and pray for her, and trust God will look after her.
That is the rub though…..we struggle with letting go and watching them make their own decisions and for good and bad they do what they do. How patient and frustrating must God be with this human race. When Eve distrusted God, believed the serpant that God would surly not kill them, and to eat from the forbidden tree, and they did, God could have destroyed them. But he endured the loss of his children and prepared a solution for them and loved them. So I follow God’s example, love, pray, and continue to show them the path and hope my children see and follow.
Till next time…..