In my previous blog I wrote about: yes I get why Jesus told us to forgive so many times, cause we will need every one of them when dealing with family. I am sad tonight, my Mother is angry with me, because I am angry with my brother. I came clean with her and told her that I am on medication for depression and that I am maxed out on them and I have an apt next month with a Psychiatrist. I told her the depths of the depression and how I have been suffering. Actually tonight I feel ashamed about it. Part of the reason I told her was I wanted her to realize that I have been suffering, part because my brother may be blind but I am tired of trying to hold things together and I can’t be responsible for the family any more.
When my Dad was killed 16 years ago I figured that I was the youngest I had a 4 month old baby and a 3-year-old, I would grieve for me. I don’t mean that in a selfish way. I had two older brothers they looked after things, I was never asked an opinion for most of my life I never gave one. The day after my Dad was killed my Mother turned to me and leaned on me for everything. I bought the shirt my Dad was buried in. I helped her make the arrangements. I slept with her for a week. I handled the phone calls, the people bringing food to the door, I did it all. I do not begrudge any of this. I supported my Mother and will do so for the rest of her life. I am sorry for the fact that my brother became blind for a birth defect that slowly took his sight. It truly was a fluke. I just can’t take rudeness, and abuse anymore for his anger for being blind – but he could take some responsibility for himself and get a job instead of living off disability. God did not put him on this earth to sit at home and be an arm chair critic. I have tried to convince him to move on. Found all kinds of places he could be useful in life, organizations he could be come involved with. Tried, begged,logically and pulled out the big card “Dad would be object to this” for him to become involved again with church. He lives in Kitchener— the land of Lutheran church’s. He has no excuse for not going.
I tell all this, not because I am bragging. I am no hero. It all makes me sad, ashamed, responsible. This illness has effected my extended family. I have no patience for my brother. My other brother that doesn’t speak to us, because of me, wants nothing to do with me or his daughter. I felt ashamed to admit what I had been going through to Mom because I am her rock and now I am gravel. I am sure she must think – Now what, who can I rely on.
I know God has a plan. I know God gave us all free will, I know God has given me a family through my friends and their kids. My best friends, my camping group. That gives me 4 sisters 4 brothers and 10 kids. I am blessed, I know that . I guess I have never gone through the grieving process for my brothers, for the loss of my family. That sounds dramatic. I don’t mean to sound that way. It isn’t that way. But here is how it goes in my family. My brother who lives in my home town, who doesn’t speak to me, is friends with my cousins. My cousins don’t do anything with us in the big city cause my brother lives in the town- if you know what I mean. over 12 years of this stupidity. I may work in a highschool – but my one brother lives it.
Anyways enough of the explanations. Bottom line – I am the one who is supposed to hold the family together and tonight I spilled the beans and admitted all my short cumming to my Mom. Maybe its all in my mind….that is what you could be saying– but you didn’t hear her voice.
till next time…………….