Family


In my previous blog I wrote about: yes I get why Jesus told us to forgive so many times, cause we will need every one of them when dealing with family. I am sad tonight, my Mother is angry with me, because I am angry with my brother. I came clean with her and told her that I am on medication for depression and that I am maxed out on them and I have an apt next month with a Psychiatrist.  I told her the depths of the depression and how I have been suffering.  Actually tonight I feel ashamed about it.  Part of the reason I told her was I wanted her to realize that I have been suffering, part because my brother may be blind but I am tired of trying to hold things together and I can’t be responsible for the family any more.

When my Dad was killed 16 years ago I figured that I was the youngest I had a 4 month old baby and a 3-year-old, I would grieve for me.  I don’t mean that in a selfish way.  I had two older brothers they looked after things, I was never asked an opinion for most of my life I never gave one.  The day after my Dad was killed my Mother turned to me and leaned on me for everything.  I bought the shirt my Dad was buried in.  I helped her make the arrangements.  I slept with her for a week.  I handled the phone calls, the people bringing food to the door, I did it all.  I do not begrudge any of this.  I supported my Mother and will do so for the rest of her life.  I  am sorry for the fact that my brother became blind for a birth defect that slowly took his sight. It truly was a fluke. I just can’t take rudeness, and abuse anymore for his anger for being blind – but he could take some responsibility for himself and get a job instead of living off disability.  God did not put him on this earth to sit at home and be an arm chair critic.  I have tried to convince him to move on.  Found all kinds of places he could be useful in life, organizations he could be come involved with. Tried, begged,logically and pulled out the big card “Dad would be object to this” for him to become involved again with church.  He lives in Kitchener— the land of Lutheran church’s.  He has no excuse for not going.

I tell all this, not because I am bragging.  I am no hero.   It all makes me sad, ashamed, responsible.  This illness has effected my extended family. I have no patience for my brother.  My other brother that doesn’t speak to us, because of me, wants nothing to do with me or his daughter.  I felt ashamed to admit what I had been going through to Mom because I am her rock and now I am gravel.  I am sure she must think – Now what, who can I rely on.

I know God has a plan.  I know God gave us all free will, I know God has given me a family through my friends and their kids.  My best friends, my camping group.  That gives me 4 sisters 4 brothers and 10 kids. I am blessed, I know that .  I guess I have never gone through the grieving process for my brothers, for the loss of my family.  That sounds dramatic.  I don’t mean to sound that way.  It isn’t that way.  But here is how it goes in my family.  My brother who lives in my home town, who doesn’t speak to me, is friends with my cousins.  My cousins don’t do anything with us in the big city cause my brother lives in the town- if you know what I mean.  over 12 years of this stupidity.  I may work in a highschool – but my one brother lives it.

Anyways enough of the explanations.  Bottom line – I am the one who is supposed to hold the family together and tonight I spilled the beans and admitted all my short cumming to my Mom.  Maybe its all in my mind….that is what you could be saying– but you didn’t hear her voice.

 

till next time…………….

Sensitive


Sensitivity I have been so sensitive lately.  It’s not getting my own way sensitive.  Its the up and downs of sensitive.  Environmental sensitive, surroundings sensitive. This past weekend I needed to get into the country.  I was raised on a farm and I just need to get out of the city and flex my country roots.

Its strange how the meds push down certain things but heighten other stuff.  Meds can push down feelings.  Like tears of joy, tears in general, being over excited about some things just don’t get a rise out of me.  Standing in front of the congregation I had troubles singing praise songs cause I would get choked up and couldn’t get the words out.  My Daughter would perform at Church or in a music concert and I would cry through the whole thing.  When I dropped my son off at the airport for a mission trip he went on for a month I cried for days afterwards- when my daughter left on her trip last summer I could hardly shed a tear—that had nothing to do with one child or the other I just couldn’t do it.I was on the meds with my daughter.   Then there are other things.  A quick cutting word from a friend, or family cuts me to my heart.  Driving alone to work I can feel the pulling down of my heart. Missing my son who is at college. A sudden change in plans breaks my heart. Being out and not giving my daughter a hug before she goes to bed brings me down.  I have to make a real mental effort to pull myself up and sometimes it doesn’t always work.  Its like throwing mud against a wall.  Some sticks; some don’t– no rhyme or reason.  The meds push down some feelings but don’t push others down that need to be pushed. Stick / don’t stick.

I made my husband take me for a drive this weekend.  Tired of fall prep for winter so we hopped in the car and drove north to a little village and went through some antique stores. The day was sunny and warm, it was good to be in the country.

Sunday I could feel the same old conflict that sometimes happens when I go to church.  I am conducting an experiment.  It was communion and we went to the later service which has all the traditional Lutheran service of chants and readings.  I ignored the conflicts that were peculating in my mind and concentrated on the words I was saying.  I chanted my beliefs in the creeds and in the prayers.  I chanted in my head that all I am hearing is truth.  I believe in this truth. I will say with my mouth the words of truth and place myself in the light of the never ending God.  The negative moved away and left me. Took its seat back in the dark corner – out of sight, but not out of mind.  I felt refreshed after I received the bread and the wine.  God lightened my soul. Praise God.  It was a peace that stayed with me all day.

This morning I went to Facebook to see what bible message my friend had put on for the day.  Sometimes these messages hit the nail on the head sometimes they are convicting.  Today they made me angry. “your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God.  You are not your own, you were brought at a price.  Therefore honour God with your body.” The anger hit me like a ton of bricks.  The negative flew from his chair and in my face, in a moment that I never saw coming and confronted me with a barrage of new challenges and confrontations, and realizations.  I hate this body that God made me.  I do not love myself. It is worthless and should be thrown away.  These were the sudden truths that came from me. I opened a message to send to my friend who put the message on FB.  I opened it and told how I hated the message and hated me, I wrote it about a dozen times and never sent it, no will I.

What is the point of this post?  Hard truths of this illness don’t die. Hard truths of the bible never die, nor would they ever because they are the truth of life and spirit and soul and so many other things that I do not understand, but know they are there because the Lord keeps giving me glimpses.  How?  you may say can you make such statements of God, and hate yourself.  The one personal thing that God has given you.

I have been staring at this for a while now trying to form a answer to this question…………I guess I do not accept that I am a child of God. I hate this untrustworthy body that will not work, and has betrayed me, and I punish it with eating disorders that I am fighting again. Well actually not fighting – giving in.  I still feel angry sometimes for this.  I guess I am shocked by the force of the anger today

I will blame it on the meds– some things stick some do not.

till next time……………..