IDK


End if a long week.  I have been so aggravated the last couple of days.  My temper has no fuse.  My temper and aggravation says ‘why the heck are people such a pain in the butt!’   Everything is so loud, why do people have to speak so loud talk so loud,  Why do people think that they have to always be around you and never let you be alone.  I am tired of people. I don’t want to be around crowds, make small talk, smile. I hate trying to fake fun.

What do I really want.  I want to talk to someone. I want to say what is going on in my head with out someone trying to fix it. I want no suggestions of how I can be better. I just want to unload the things that bother me and depress me.  Maybe that isn’t even it.   I have been under a lot of stress lately.  My Mother was sick and my brother and his wife when to help and no one said anything to me.  I was angry about that one.  I live far away, so they didn’t think I needed to know. grrrrrrr I am an hour and 40 minutes I have my own car, I drive I could have been there.  I came clean and told everything to Mom about the doctors and apt now she doesn’t want to burden me.  This makes me more burdened than anything. I have a lot of work I am doing at work and its all good. I have a 16-year-old daughter who I have been butting heads with lately just thinking about it makes my aggregation boil.  I truly want to run away,  I desire quiet today I desire no demands today.

This pain is here today like a weight in my heart. I want to hide in my room and just be – blink at the sky out my bedroom window and be.

I am turmoil I don’t know what I want.

I believe God is taking care of me I believe God is good and will be there for me, but my pain is not dull today. So Lord be close to me and keep me safe, forgive my distraction from faith Forgive me for half heartedly believing in you. you are Great Praise God. Amen

till next time

.

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Family


In my previous blog I wrote about: yes I get why Jesus told us to forgive so many times, cause we will need every one of them when dealing with family. I am sad tonight, my Mother is angry with me, because I am angry with my brother. I came clean with her and told her that I am on medication for depression and that I am maxed out on them and I have an apt next month with a Psychiatrist.  I told her the depths of the depression and how I have been suffering.  Actually tonight I feel ashamed about it.  Part of the reason I told her was I wanted her to realize that I have been suffering, part because my brother may be blind but I am tired of trying to hold things together and I can’t be responsible for the family any more.

When my Dad was killed 16 years ago I figured that I was the youngest I had a 4 month old baby and a 3-year-old, I would grieve for me.  I don’t mean that in a selfish way.  I had two older brothers they looked after things, I was never asked an opinion for most of my life I never gave one.  The day after my Dad was killed my Mother turned to me and leaned on me for everything.  I bought the shirt my Dad was buried in.  I helped her make the arrangements.  I slept with her for a week.  I handled the phone calls, the people bringing food to the door, I did it all.  I do not begrudge any of this.  I supported my Mother and will do so for the rest of her life.  I  am sorry for the fact that my brother became blind for a birth defect that slowly took his sight. It truly was a fluke. I just can’t take rudeness, and abuse anymore for his anger for being blind – but he could take some responsibility for himself and get a job instead of living off disability.  God did not put him on this earth to sit at home and be an arm chair critic.  I have tried to convince him to move on.  Found all kinds of places he could be useful in life, organizations he could be come involved with. Tried, begged,logically and pulled out the big card “Dad would be object to this” for him to become involved again with church.  He lives in Kitchener— the land of Lutheran church’s.  He has no excuse for not going.

I tell all this, not because I am bragging.  I am no hero.   It all makes me sad, ashamed, responsible.  This illness has effected my extended family. I have no patience for my brother.  My other brother that doesn’t speak to us, because of me, wants nothing to do with me or his daughter.  I felt ashamed to admit what I had been going through to Mom because I am her rock and now I am gravel.  I am sure she must think – Now what, who can I rely on.

I know God has a plan.  I know God gave us all free will, I know God has given me a family through my friends and their kids.  My best friends, my camping group.  That gives me 4 sisters 4 brothers and 10 kids. I am blessed, I know that .  I guess I have never gone through the grieving process for my brothers, for the loss of my family.  That sounds dramatic.  I don’t mean to sound that way.  It isn’t that way.  But here is how it goes in my family.  My brother who lives in my home town, who doesn’t speak to me, is friends with my cousins.  My cousins don’t do anything with us in the big city cause my brother lives in the town- if you know what I mean.  over 12 years of this stupidity.  I may work in a highschool – but my one brother lives it.

Anyways enough of the explanations.  Bottom line – I am the one who is supposed to hold the family together and tonight I spilled the beans and admitted all my short cumming to my Mom.  Maybe its all in my mind….that is what you could be saying– but you didn’t hear her voice.

 

till next time…………….

Quick Sand


Sitting in quick sand sinking slowly.  Its been a slow progression over the past week.  I have not been feeling well.  A weekend of self destruction, to end off a week of self destruction. My mind has been a swirl of thoughts emotions, ups and downs.  I can’t seem to get them straight.  I don’t know this mind of mine. I have been fighting with the self destruction voices.  I hardly ate last week, I think there were days that I didn’t eat at all, but I am not sure to be honest.  My memory seems to be sipping.  I do know I drank a lot of red wine.  Everyday. I did all the things I should not be doing. Too much wine, coffee not enough food, sleep.  In black and white it reads so stupid.  I see the words and know what is right and wrong, but I look at the food can’t eat.  I sooth myself with a glass of wine cause it makes me feel better. Wine does not go with the pills I shouldn’t be drinking and evidence today on how I feel should be pretty clear.  I have to stop. I don’t know if I can.  Yesterday I was counting down the minutes till I could get home from my Mothers house and have a glass of wine.  We went out for lunch with her yesterday and I worked very hard at eating something so my Mom and Husband wouldn’t start to figure out what was wrong.  All the while I am putting food in my mouth I am hating it.   The swirl of voices and thoughts will not stop.  They seem to lessen over night but that does not mean I sleep.  I just lay there looking at the ceiling.  Blinking.

 
If I read this first paragraph and never experienced depression I would automatically think this person is crazy.  This is hard to read and or understand.  As a person who does suffer from depression I can say, yes I understand and yes this person looks crazy.  I feel crazy.
I have been spiralling down slowly for a few weeks now.  My husband and I have spent a lot of time talking about me over the past few days.  He has taken over my bank accounts, my credit cards, my pills, my routine.  There are many areas of my life he has taken over.  That sounds like I am a bad child and being punished, but he is drawing very close to me in a show of support and to keep me from hurting myself. I feel so guilty this is stressing him out too.  He doesn’t say it but I can see it.  So now what? Tuesday I have a Dr. apt first time in three months.  My Husband is coming too.  He has some very pointed questions for my doctor and I am a little nervous how this is going to play out.  I have been praying that God give my doctor wisdom on how to help me and to give me wisdom to ask the right questions and understand what she is telling me.
 
Other news, I cut and permed my Mother’s hair on the weekend (between being hung over and having a beer) Its a bit of a lengthy process so we had lots of time to talk and she and I are good at that.   I told Mom that I have been experiencing the physical aspects of menopause.  She knows this already but I had to ease into what I really wanted to tell her.  I told her that I had another doctor’s apt to follow up on how I am doing that she monitors me closely.  She still wasn’t clueing in but she was wondering why and what was going on.  Then I told her about the emotional side of things I have been dealing with.  Very vaguely.  Then I cut to the chase and told her I was on antidepressants.  I didn’t say I was depressed. but I told her of the medication.  She said very little, I am not sure she understood or if she didn’t think it a big deal.  It made me feel very uncomfortable, and then after a while we changed the subject, never to bring it up again the rest of the weekend.
 
So where is God, and where am I.  God is always where he should be.  He is loving me and sending people to love and help me.  God is trying to cover me over with his wing to protect me, when I allow it.  Jesus is standing there saying I am your savour trust me, I am your brother your Father loves you please love yourself. Where am I – doing what I do every night laying there in a mind swirl, blinking.  I know these things – I just get confused on how to live it. I feel like a feather in a hurricane but at some point the wind has to stop and I will fall to earth, I just hope I land on my feet.  With God’s help I will, cause I can not do it on my own.