Quick Sand

Sitting in quick sand sinking slowly.  Its been a slow progression over the past week.  I have not been feeling well.  A weekend of self destruction, to end off a week of self destruction. My mind has been a swirl of thoughts emotions, ups and downs.  I can’t seem to get them straight.  I don’t know this mind of mine. I have been fighting with the self destruction voices.  I hardly ate last week, I think there were days that I didn’t eat at all, but I am not sure to be honest.  My memory seems to be sipping.  I do know I drank a lot of red wine.  Everyday. I did all the things I should not be doing. Too much wine, coffee not enough food, sleep.  In black and white it reads so stupid.  I see the words and know what is right and wrong, but I look at the food can’t eat.  I sooth myself with a glass of wine cause it makes me feel better. Wine does not go with the pills I shouldn’t be drinking and evidence today on how I feel should be pretty clear.  I have to stop. I don’t know if I can.  Yesterday I was counting down the minutes till I could get home from my Mothers house and have a glass of wine.  We went out for lunch with her yesterday and I worked very hard at eating something so my Mom and Husband wouldn’t start to figure out what was wrong.  All the while I am putting food in my mouth I am hating it.   The swirl of voices and thoughts will not stop.  They seem to lessen over night but that does not mean I sleep.  I just lay there looking at the ceiling.  Blinking.

If I read this first paragraph and never experienced depression I would automatically think this person is crazy.  This is hard to read and or understand.  As a person who does suffer from depression I can say, yes I understand and yes this person looks crazy.  I feel crazy.
I have been spiralling down slowly for a few weeks now.  My husband and I have spent a lot of time talking about me over the past few days.  He has taken over my bank accounts, my credit cards, my pills, my routine.  There are many areas of my life he has taken over.  That sounds like I am a bad child and being punished, but he is drawing very close to me in a show of support and to keep me from hurting myself. I feel so guilty this is stressing him out too.  He doesn’t say it but I can see it.  So now what? Tuesday I have a Dr. apt first time in three months.  My Husband is coming too.  He has some very pointed questions for my doctor and I am a little nervous how this is going to play out.  I have been praying that God give my doctor wisdom on how to help me and to give me wisdom to ask the right questions and understand what she is telling me.
Other news, I cut and permed my Mother’s hair on the weekend (between being hung over and having a beer) Its a bit of a lengthy process so we had lots of time to talk and she and I are good at that.   I told Mom that I have been experiencing the physical aspects of menopause.  She knows this already but I had to ease into what I really wanted to tell her.  I told her that I had another doctor’s apt to follow up on how I am doing that she monitors me closely.  She still wasn’t clueing in but she was wondering why and what was going on.  Then I told her about the emotional side of things I have been dealing with.  Very vaguely.  Then I cut to the chase and told her I was on antidepressants.  I didn’t say I was depressed. but I told her of the medication.  She said very little, I am not sure she understood or if she didn’t think it a big deal.  It made me feel very uncomfortable, and then after a while we changed the subject, never to bring it up again the rest of the weekend.
So where is God, and where am I.  God is always where he should be.  He is loving me and sending people to love and help me.  God is trying to cover me over with his wing to protect me, when I allow it.  Jesus is standing there saying I am your savour trust me, I am your brother your Father loves you please love yourself. Where am I – doing what I do every night laying there in a mind swirl, blinking.  I know these things – I just get confused on how to live it. I feel like a feather in a hurricane but at some point the wind has to stop and I will fall to earth, I just hope I land on my feet.  With God’s help I will, cause I can not do it on my own.

Self induced hell /but back from the brink

To hell and back is how I would describe the past weekend. I had talked about this in my last post.  I had been away with my husband and the sadness and darkness crawled in.  I didn’t fall in a hole, I decided to by past that one and head straight to breakdown.  I was unsettled.  Monday till Wednesday I was away camping with my honey, we came home to our kids who thankfully didn’t have a party while we were gone.  To be honest when I was their age growing up on the farm I had parties when my parents went away, whats wrong with mine?? you know I’m kidding I was thankful.  Thursday morning we left for my Mothers to do some work on her house.  She lives about 2 hours away, it took us 3 days to complete our work.  Thursday was wonderful we did lots and I hadn’t seen her lately so it was nice.  Friday I was agitated, and went to bed early to get away from people, but didn’t sleep.   Saturday we finished the jobs, brunched left.  I was in a terrible spot.  We were driving along the 401 Hwy and all I could think was if I could get him to stop I would start running, I would run and run till he couldn’t see me anymore.  This is totally irrational.  I have a great family and great friends.  If you read my last post you know through my husband and some dear friends I pulled through that weekend.  My other support group, God also was there to take my pain and replace it with peace.

The point of this post is not to dwell on how I came back from the hel,l I was heading to a breakdown like the one I had last year, it was close and in view.  How did I get to this place?  How did I almost go over the edge? To pull myself out I had my support group, I took my anxiety meds and they helped some.  But why was I back in this place.  Self induced  hell.  It took me a few days to figure it out.  I was renewing my prescription for my pills and I read the box, it said the same thing it has from the beginning. Do not take with alcohol. I knew I should not drink with this stuff my doctor said a glass of wine with dinner on the weekend or a beer on a hot day is fine but not every day.  Ever have one of those moments in your life where it feels like a TV show and a spot light comes down upon what you’re looking at to highlight it.  Then it hit me.  Crap what have I done to myself, that caused my friends to come out to my house Sunday night to talk to me, my husband to spend time talking me away from my urge to run and to be honest I know he considered taking me to the hospital too.

I was on vacation with my husband for 3 days we were camping, eating wonderful meals, drinking wine with steak, and drinking beer while we sailed, out for dinner with friends at the resort.  Then at my Mothers working outside on a hot day, building decks and installing a back splash is thirsty work.  Home on Saturday and Sunday not caring what I was doing, I had a drink, a few glasses of wine with dinner.   Tuesday it dawned on me.  I had a week full of drinking.  What the heck am I doing.  No wonder I was crashing, I was counter acting my pills.  I haven’t had a drink all week.  I had a small glass of wine by the fire with my husband tonight,   it’s a beautiful summers night but I have avoided it all and got back to working out even though it has been a struggle. ( I am a fitness fanatic – so not to- isn’t me, again its the depression, it pulls you away from what you love.) This is Friday, and I feel great.  Well I feel better.  I still don’t feel like me, completely. I am feeling better.  I am still not sleeping, I get 3 to 4 hours a night the rest of the time I listen to the crickets.  My mind is not a whirl, it’s just awake.

This week I have been thinking about what I have been doing each day and how it is effecting my quality of life.  You have to watch what you do.  I have said it before, several times.  Watch what you eat, watch what you drink, restrict alcohol, restrict coffee, workout, try to sleep, take your pills.  Just keeping up with this makes me sad sometimes.   It’s a process, this will not last forever, it will pass.  Depression is just like any other illness.  If you have a bad heart you have to exercise and eat right.  I you have a bad arm you have to take care of it.  If you have a bad hormonal chemicals you have to attend them like a cut, bruse or bad heart and do the things that matter.  I got caught up in vacation mode of the summer, not to say I didn’t have a good time but the end result does not justify a couple of drinks too many.  I am still having issues with eating, somedays I have to force myself to eat.  I could go days with out and never think if it.  I know some of this is not wanting to, some of this is medication and not being hungry, some of it is control issues.  I have not said any of that to my husband, I don’t need the stress of him watching everything I put in my mouth or not put in my mouth.  I am trying I am trying.

Where is God in this, I always like to end my blogs with Him.  It is God that reminded me that He is in control, it was God that made me see my errors and best of all through his son Jesus Christ, through his blood and death on the cross and rising again it is through him I am forgiven.  God has my back, my heart, my soul, and sometimes I give Him my mind. Till next time Gods blessings.