It’s the first week in October. Its cold, I wore a leather coat today. It is inevitable that winter is coming. I was born in Canada this isn’t a new thing to me – fall/winter. But I don’t like being cold, but I am a farm girl, a Canadian girl, grew up in the snow belt, so no more whining about cold – I will suck it up- buy a sweater.
What is new in the life of depression. Well, two weeks or so on the new drugs and some of the side effects have disappeared. When I first took them half way through the morning I felt numb, my brain was in a fog. That seems much better this week. The shakes, well even they seem a little better. The anxiety, well still working on that one. We were to a friend’s place for dinner Sunday night I was doing good for the first half of the night and started to feel my heart pounding and jittery, so I took an anxiety pill and survived over dinner but when we got to desert I was starting to slip. My husband noticed and told me the little things he does to lift me up. I was getting tired and I had enough of being with people. There were 8 of us and I was done. But we soon left after that. I went home took my anti-depressant pill in bed by 10:30 awake by 3 am but did manage to get back to sleep this time for an hour or two. I went to work feeling clearer, a good sign. I went shopping after work for new dress pants. I wore some on Sunday that were horribly large on me. I love those pants but I must have some alterations on them they are a size 4 I bought a nice dress pant size 2 today. Since my dr. apt a few weeks ago I have lost a little more weight. I am eating a little more some days.
I have been beating myself up over my weight loss and the lack of appetite and seeing it as a huge sin and on Sunday God and I separated it. I saw this huge wall that I couldn’t get around. I was hurting my body and saw that as a sin and yet the darkness I was holding on to. Sunday God and I separated it. It is not a wall between me and my father. It is a condition, caused by first the medication. I am not hungry, the meds suppress appetite, not my fault. I eat and I don’t feel well afterwards, to the point of feeling like I could throw up ( I have never done that). So fear of being ill and the pain of eating keeps me from eating much. As for God it is the darkness that wants me to believe that it is a wall between me and God. God showed me this weekend that he is separate from that. My lack of eating and loss of weight that I saw as a sin and keeping me from Gods love, forgiveness, joy. As I looked at the cross at the front of the church and looked at how smooth and even pretty it was, unthreatening. I thought about what the cross that Jesus hung on looked like. Two pieces of rough wood, large spikes through his hands and feet and how he separated himself from God, the pain the agony the death. Why? so I could come closer to God, so God and I could have a relationship. Jesus’ death bridged the distance between me and God over my sin, Jesus took all our sin on him and rose again to be with God so we could be forgiven. He defeated death and darkness. But as I have said many times, darkness and depression want you to believe that God does not matter he does not love me and I should not love myself. That no one cares. But God loves me dearly and there is no wall between us it was the darkness creating a lie that I could not be loved by God because if my eating issues ( I can’t call them a disorder – yet). The wall disappeared and the eating issues seem smaller now.
The thought of someone going through depression with no contacts, support groups, no prayers for them, no God. That darkness is black. I scares me that someone could be so lost, and yet be in a crowd. God can conquer all he has done it with me. Last post I asked God to cover me with his wing so I could hide and prepare for the next day and he covered me came to my heart healed some of the brokeness showed me the light through the window to go another day, another few hours till the next anxiety attack. And he lifted me up so I could love Him and me. Through his word in the bible, through the words spoken on Sunday in the sermon, in the songs I was teaching the Sunday school class, and in the most kindest words from my best friend, God made sure I knew that I was loved and forgiven.
So does that mean I am cured was it a weekend of miraculous healing. No it was not. I had the shakes for a bit today, my heart was pounding this afternoon and I felt anxious, it was not an attack but I calmed my spirit and rode the wave. I nibbled tonight for supper, not a whole lot but I put a little something in me. I feel broken still, not as much as yesterday and maybe less tomorrow. I am not cured, but in this journey God is showing me his power and I will be cured in due time – God’s time. In the mean time I write here, pray for those who read these blogs and hope that no one will ever go through depression without talking to God and having him save their heart and soul.
God Bless you and May he show you the way out of the darkness and into the light – where there is peace beyond all understanding and joy and love you can only get through the Father Son and Holy Spirit. Invite them into your heart and soul, for a brighter and better tomorrow. Amen