First half of August and how am I doing? I seem to have problems with the beginning of the month. I was doing good through the end of July, I was feeling like me I was doing ok, no panic attacks, anxiety. August started all good then too, then the panic and anxiety started to creep in. I didn’t have an attack put I did have to calm myself shopping the other day but I did it. Sunday morning I awoke with that old feeling again. I didn’t want people to look at me, I changed my Facebook picture to a picture of a guitar. I prayed most of the service, but I was sad and I could not shake it. Sunday night was bad but I got some sleep and up Monday and went away with my husband for a few days. They were good we were busy and that keeps me distracted which helped. One night I was in a hole, Tuesday. I could care less about everything. My husband was asleep we had spent the day sailing so he was exhausted. I not being able to sleep sat up till midnight watching the campfire I made and feeling sad. Arguing with God. God can change the heart of Paul in the new testament why can’t he change those here now? I have a couple of thorns which I will not go into but one of the thorns involves my extended family, to put it in a nutshell, we are dysfunctional We were not always that way. I want my family back. The only way to do this is for God to put it back together. It will happen in God’s time but I have been waiting for a long time now – why can’t i have satisfaction? Why can’t I have it back? if he is the God of power what is wrong with him? I have been shaking again. This is usually a sign that I am heading down a rough path. I managed to make it through the rest of the week and then Saturday came, I was almost back to square one, I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. It was my husband who talked me out of it and helped me avoid it but I was still in a hole and shaking and the negativity of the voices were loud and strong. I took my emergency pills. I took more this weekend than any time up to this point. They did help, some. I was ready to hide, I was making plans to run and hide at my friends cottage, I was planning excuses to hide at home not go to church, not go out into the world. Again this is what depression does it isolates you and makes you pull away from all that is important to you. Church, family, sports, running, cooking, reading, life.
But to my question. If I believe that God is all-powerful and can change hearts why can’t he change the one of my thorns hearts? But that is the wrong question, depression and the lies that go with it want me to ask those types of questions, it wants me to deny God and is taking all things that have bothered me, all my skeletons, all my hurts, all my thorns and the lies want to surround them and blur them. and break me down one situation by situation. As the lie does that, it pulls you down that deep hole. It wants you to deny your intelligence, worth, and life itself. The answer to my question, God’s timing is; God’s timing and in a world were we want all things instantly sometimes the answer to our questions is wait. You have to talk to yourself or have someone help you talk your way against the lies and to the truth. You have to keep asking yourself what is truth, what is truth, and concentrate on that.
I have good friends, actually make that I have great friends they came, and they sat and they talked to me and they supported me Sunday night. My husband talked me away from my breakdown, and God pulled in close and waited for me to notice. In the end Monday morning I got up read my bible and wondered where the peace was, the turmoil of the weekend was still swirling, but the voices had dissipated, what change? My friends prayed for me they prayed specifically for my heart and against evil and then it was up to me. I gave it to God, no more me trying to fix things, no more me in control. I can’t handle it, I can’t do it, I can’t solve it, I gave it to God and the sobs started. It’s not something I am known to do since I have been on the meds but, I sobbed from the depth of my soul. I got up dried my tears put my running shoes on and ran 10 km of head clearing running. I put myself back together by praising the Lord and giving him myself unconditionally. I came home I had a swim and it was like a baptism, the peace started to flow. Voices defeated, sadness defeated, breakdown defeated, for today.
What will happen in the next coming weeks??????I don’t know, I do know that I have a support group and I have God to help me through. Praise be to God. If you are in this situation find your friends, find a support group, find a way to talk yourself out of the negative and into the light.
till next time im praying for you