I am a secretary in a High School. It’s a cool job. You get to deal with all sorts of kids. Nice ones, shy ones, creative ones, ones you could do with out and broken ones. I love my job I have done all kinds of work over my working years but, this one I like. It is the first full day of school. School start-up is a very stressful time of year, kids are nervous, staff are nervous, Office staff are running around trying to get all the paperwork, teachers and students in line and where they are supposed to be with the correct paperwork in hand. We get the job done. There are five of us putting it all together. Today however was the first full day of school and I ended up in the Vice Principal‘s office. There is something about being in a Principal’s office that can make a grown adult turn into a ten-year old kid. I lost my temper with a fellow staff member; who I think deserved it, but was raising her voice at me and I told her to stop raising her voice to me – only rather loudly, and demanded she allow me to have the paperwork I needed to do what I had to do. I hate office politics, I hate gossip, I hate staff that bully, I hate people who are part of a team but are too good to help with the team. I, much later in the morning, ended up being called into the Vice Principal’s office and told that I was totally out of character for me and it was surprising. They know the person who I was dealing with is difficult and they need my support in keeping a peaceful office. They also said that I was known as handling this person wonderfully and am relied on as a rock to keep the peace and flow of the office. Was I ok, and why was I out of character? What do you say. Sorry I forgot my anxiety meds at home and I flipped out. Sorry I am on antidepressants and sometimes I feel down and need people to stop stomping on my nerves. I was shaky when I got up so I should have known that I was a little off. I apologized for my raising of my voice, but if they wanted a peaceful flow in the office then all parties in the office need to work together instead of around someone.
I went back to my desk shaking. I was angry, I was scared, the negative voices started up. I was afraid that maybe I was losing it and that the bosses would figure out what was happening to me. I can’t tell them at work. Promotions are coming up and if I want a shot at them I have to be on my game. The bosses want me to go for these promotions so I have to keep looking good and doing my best.
I don’t feel like me, I don’t feel like I have it together. I don’t know if these meds are working right and I don’t know if I should be going back to the doctor and getting the next step as she says in my progress of dealing with this. I don’t know if I should be seeking counseling, stopping the drugs, jumping off a cliff!! Its confusing and frustrating. I want to be me, I have ministry ideas I want to do at my church, I have plans for programs at my school. I have action items that I want to proceed on with. I want to write, publish, I want to speak of God at conferences, I want to do so many things but I feel like I can’t get started.
Oh God you are the God of good, you are the God of Love, Lead me in this journey I pray.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer – a Lutheran Pastor murdered in WWII, said “that he believed what God said through the scriptures He knew that what ever befell him or the faithful brethren would open new opportunities, in which God would operate.”
This time in my life is a moment for God to open new opportunities for God to operate. Through desperation God creates hope, in crisis God is faithful, in heartbreak God is loving. The devil is the operator of despair, hate, anguish. I need to keep my eyes up to the Lord from where my help comes from. I need to keep my heart up and open to him to heal this brokeness. Though I look down at the pieces of my heart scattered upon the floor, God is there picking up the pieces. The desire of my heart first is to be a woman after Gods heart, and secondly to spread His love to those around me. Though I may not be whole, God will make me better, and I need to trust that even though I have depression and feel not in my right mind, not feeling myself the desires in my heart can be accomplished through God. The rub of it all is I have to not listen to the evil voices in my head and keep my eyes and heart on God.
There is the rub. Depression tries to rob you of all you hold near and dear. It makes you paranoid, it makes you second guess yourself, it makes you feel alone, it isolates. I can be sitting in the middle of a crowd and feel like the loneliest person in the world. And because if the meds I can’t even cry about it.
I am going to end this post here. It is a day in the life of a woman with depression. I will continue to fight the demons that haunt me. I will continue to try to eat, I will make an apt with my doctor and see what is next. I will continue to pray and look to God, for from him my strength comes, even when I think it isn’t there. God Bless you to next time.