Tag Archives: Anxiety

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They are only thoughts! Not actions


I had been feeling good- note past tense took a tumble today – I felt it yesterday – I thought I was just  tired and busy day but I knew. I knew that I was heading in a direction I didn’t want to go.  I have been putting on a brave face today working hard being distracted but it swallowed me up this afternoon.  I took my anxiety drugs and I tried to let them work.  I’ve had thoughts today- first time thoughts.  It was the first time I thought of “what would happen if I took a double dose or a triple dose of these drugs”- do they really make a difference or are they sugar pills designed to just make me feel better because I took something.  I am feeling very anxious and I have been trying very hard to fight an anxiety attack today. The interesting thing about taking more drugs as the thought rolled around my mind – and it did for a while – I never considered others.  It was such a singular thought.  If I did this how would I feel? Would it harm me? What if I took them with a good bottle of wine what would that feel like?  I never thought hey if I did do this my children would be effected my husband would be effected I thought of no one else, no one crossed my mind.  It was a curious thought. Why didn’t I think of anyone else? It shows me how when some one is considering suicide that there is no “we, they, us, family, parents, friends;” just a singular me.   It flores me that a life of relationships and I have some special ones when you fall in such a hole can put blinders on you so you don’t feel them, only the pain that is all consuming .  That is what shocked me today.  You feel nothing.  I should have been outraged at the thought- I should have immedatly got down on my knees and prayed. I just rolled around my brain like the last pea in a veggie pot.   It was suductive, sneaky, and unfrightening.

Don’t call 911 I am not going to do something – It was a thought just a thought.  I am still shakey, and anxious and Iam going to try some yoga and meditation to calm me and see if I can climb out of this hole. I told my husband how I am feeling and even though he is working really late tonight he will call in and check on me and I am not alone my daughter is here.

So what now – pray, read my bible and trust that God will keep safe.

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October – believe that fall is here.


It’s the first week in October.  Its cold, I wore a leather coat today.  It is inevitable that winter is coming.  I was born in Canada this isn’t a new thing to me – fall/winter.  But I don’t like being cold, but I am a farm girl, a Canadian girl, grew up in the snow belt, so no more whining about cold – I will suck it up- buy a sweater.

What is new in the life of depression.  Well, two weeks or so on the new drugs and some of the side effects have disappeared.  When I first took them half way through the morning I felt numb, my brain was in a fog.  That seems much better this week.  The shakes, well even they seem a little better.  The anxiety, well still working on that one.  We were to a friend’s place for dinner Sunday night I was doing good for the first half of the night and started to feel my heart pounding and jittery, so I took an anxiety pill and survived over dinner but when we got to desert I was starting to slip.  My husband noticed and told me the little things he does to lift me up.  I was getting tired and I had enough of being with people.  There were 8 of us and I was done.  But we soon left after that.  I went home took my anti-depressant pill in bed by 10:30 awake by 3 am but did manage to get back to sleep this time for an hour or two.  I went to work feeling clearer, a good sign.  I went shopping after work for new dress pants.  I wore some on Sunday that were horribly large on me.  I love those pants but I must have some alterations on them they are a size 4 I bought a nice dress pant size 2 today.  Since my dr. apt a few weeks ago I have lost a little more weight.  I am eating a little more some days.

I have been beating myself up over my weight loss and the lack of appetite and seeing it as a huge sin and on Sunday God and I separated it.  I saw this huge wall that I couldn’t get around.  I was hurting my body and saw that as a sin and yet the darkness I was holding on to.  Sunday God and I separated it.  It is not a wall between me and my father.  It is a condition, caused by first the medication.  I am not hungry, the meds suppress appetite, not my fault.  I eat and I don’t feel well afterwards, to the point of feeling like I could throw up ( I have never done that).  So fear of being ill and the pain of eating keeps me from eating much.  As for God it is the darkness that wants me to believe that it is a wall between me and God. God showed me this weekend that he is separate from that.  My lack of eating and loss of weight that I saw as a sin and keeping me from Gods love, forgiveness, joy.  As I looked at the cross at the front of the church and looked at how smooth and even pretty it was, unthreatening.  I thought about what the cross that Jesus hung on looked like.  Two pieces of  rough wood, large spikes through his hands and feet and how he separated himself from God, the pain the agony the death.  Why? so I could come closer to God, so God and I could have a relationship.  Jesus’ death bridged the distance between me and God over my sin, Jesus took all our sin on him and rose again to be with God so we could be forgiven.  He defeated death and darkness.  But as I have said many times, darkness and depression want you to believe that God does not matter he does not love me and I should not love myself.  That no one cares.  But God loves me dearly and there is no wall between us it was the darkness creating a lie that I could not be loved by God because if my eating issues ( I can’t call them a disorder – yet).  The wall disappeared and the eating issues seem smaller now.

The thought of someone going through depression with no contacts, support groups, no prayers for them, no God.  That darkness is black.  I scares me that someone could be so lost, and yet be in a crowd.  God can conquer all he has done it with me.  Last post I asked God to cover me with his wing so I could hide and prepare for the next day and he covered me came to my heart healed some of the brokeness showed me the light through the window to go another day, another few hours till the next anxiety attack. And he lifted me up so I could love Him and me. Through his word in the bible, through the words spoken on Sunday in the sermon, in the songs I was teaching the Sunday school class, and in the most kindest words from my best friend, God made sure I knew that I was loved and forgiven.

So does that mean I am cured was it a weekend of miraculous healing.  No it was not.  I had the shakes for a bit today, my heart was pounding this afternoon and I felt anxious, it was not an attack but I calmed my spirit and rode the wave.  I nibbled tonight for supper, not a whole lot but I put a little something in me. I feel broken still, not as much as yesterday and maybe less tomorrow.  I am not cured, but in this journey God is showing me his power and I will be cured in due time – God’s time.  In the mean time I write here, pray for those who read these blogs and hope that no one will ever go through depression without talking to God and having him save their heart and soul.

God Bless you and May he show you the way out of the darkness and into the light – where there is peace beyond all understanding and joy and love you can only get through the Father Son and Holy Spirit.  Invite them into your heart and soul, for a brighter and better tomorrow.   Amen

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A week later


Well its a week later since my doctor’s apt and 7 days into the new drugs.  I take one in the morning one at night.  Its been an adjustment.  Like when I started with the first one, things happen, the side effects come about and you deal with them.  I have had terrible shakes,then nothing, my heart at times pounds when I am doing nothing, gripping anxiety and ready to crawl out of my skin, I take my anti anxiety med and it calms down and I adventually stop wringing my hands and settle.  This morning I felt a little anxious on the way to church I did really well on the way to church and talked myself down.  The band was playing and I was looking forward to it, good songs, beautiful day.  I was great till I walked into the church.  It hit me like a attack.  I just felt like darkness rushed at me.  It was the strangest thing.  I started to shake, I could feel myself start to panic, I was dizzy, I was having trouble keeping my train of thought – which seems to be happening more these days.  I kept breathing deeply trying to feel calm, I was loosing it.  I took a anxiety med, it calmed a bit, but they were there. We played the first song warm up and then I insisted the band pray.  I asked the Holy Spirit to come to us and protect us I asked for God‘s blessing on us,  then we turned around and played.  The darkness tried to pull in close.  I just sang God’s words in the song and when I was not singing I kept saying ” I lift my eyes to the hills from where does my help come from, the maker of Heaven and Earth.”  By the end of the service I had pushed off the darkness that was taunting me.  I felt better and calmer and back on my game.  My daughter couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me she came up to me after church and wanted to know what was happening with me  her words”you were really bent out of shape what was with you” Can you hear the love.  I told her what was happening I got a hug and a” well your over it now.”  Such sympathy  😉

Its Sunday afternoon I am sitting in my back yard on a beautiful sunny day I am calm now.  I don’t know what happened this morning. What does all this mean? If this is a part of depression it is new to me.  I don’t feel sad, or down, or falling in a hole, I feel relatively ok.  a little closer to what me feels like- at this moment.  The swings of side effects, like before should level off as I get used to the new drug.  I still have no desire to eat and some of that is not wanting to eat either.  I like the weight I have lost, to be honest. And if I was really honest with you, its the darkness I don’t want to leave, which makes me confused. I am involved with helping with fund raising for the starving people in the horn of Africa and I am doing it on purpose to myself.  God is talking to me about this I am not listening all the time, but he is talking to me.

What concerned me the most about today is the rush of the darkness when I walked into the church.  These are things I felt when I was really down in a hole, its things I felt and saw when I was deep in the darkness. I am not in those places right now, I am not sad or hurting or in darkness, it did not engulf me, but the darkness at church it surrounded me, it taunted me, it rushed me and circled, it threw me off.   It is one thing for the darkness to try to push its thorns into yourself when you are down and venerable but when you are feeling mostly ok, maybe a little anxious, that threw me off.  Its hard to fight what is in your mind day after day.  I fell like maybe the depression, or the drugs, or what ever is happening is has opened something I don’t what to be around, or maybe God is allowing it to show me how to trust him completely.  A lutheran pastor I am reading about stated that in trouble God gets the opportunities to show his power and we learn how to trust that power. Maybe today was God’s opportunity to show me his power and wants me to let go of the darkness I am holding onto. Another instant of God talking.  I have not in the past three years remembered my envelope that I get from the church for my offering.  It has the date and a bible vs on it.  I spoke last weekend about the fruits of the spirit and it is kindness, patience, self control, the vs on the envelope was the same one.  God has been calling me to John 15 for the past week and Paul’s talk on the fruits of the spirit.  I need to spend some time with this to where God it leading me.

In the mean time– I am trying to eat- I say that but I will try this week. I do trust God he is Love and loves me dearly  I need to study the fruits of the spirit, and learn to love me a little better.  And I need start working out and get some exercise, maybe it will make me eat.  Maybe switch to decaf coffee as maybe that is not helping my anxiety esp. since I am taking the old anti depressant at night and the new one I take in the morning and I am sure coffee full strength doesn’t help. God continues to take me on this journey and I am holding on.  I need to think what this depression is now- it has changed. I need to think about what is happening and pray.  Till next time. Peace

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Doctor Apt.


Doctor’s appointment today and right after a busy weekend.

First off the weekend.  I felt like a normal person.  Almost me!.  It was a very busy weekend.  Saturday I spent most of the day at a Women’s conference which was wonderful.  I spoke for apx. 40 minutes on Fellowship.  It was a well written piece of work and I enjoyed giving it and I enjoyed speaking God‘s word.  It was a joy to do and I felt like a instrument of God’s plan.  I felt so blessed by the whole event.  I felt God had given me the words it all fell into place quickly and in the end when I was praying the last prayer it was a situation where I opened my mouth and God just had the words fall out.   It was one of those rare times in life where you don’t mind being used. At least used by God. But there is an even better part to all of Saturday, I did it without any anxiety meds. I did it on my own.  That makes the whole event even that more special to me.  Praise the Lord.

Sunday I was feeling still pretty up.  The youth band I play in was playing at an out door service and it went over well.  Everyone was happy with the music it was good.  I started to shake about half way through the service, I was starting to get that I have to run away feeling.  It could have had to do with the fact that there was a bbq happening after the service and I didn’t want to eat. I spent the time packing up equipment which I needed to do but I was trying to avoid the food table.  It wasn’t a “I’ll get fat thing” this is nothing to do with that.  Its like being afraid of heights and you have to walk over a high rope bridge to get to work everyday, and your scared to death to do it.  The thought of eating just makes me feel ill.  I really have to force myself to put food in my mouth.  Seeing this in writing just makes me feel so ashamed.  I was not feeling well to begin with Sunday, I taught my children to share.  Except that they shared their cold with me.  What ever the reason, I was popping my anxiety meds, and they helped.  We came home, my husband and I exhausted.  We hit the hot tub had a large cold beer and went to bed.   I woke up at 1am and proceeded to toss and turn the rest of the night.  But I got up this morning feeling ok so its good. Just suffering with a cold and tired.

The Doctor’s appointment.

I had a long talk with her about all the things I have been feeling; the change in no more panic attacks, just anxiety, the lack of food  the amount of weight I have lost – I weigh less than my 15-year-old daughter – and most of my cloths don’t fit, and the ones I bought in late August to go back to work in are too big for me and I haven’t worn them yet.  My Doctor doesn’t want me to lose anymore weight.  Wants me to buy ensure to keep me healthy.  Something I didn’t know about the antidepressants I am on they surpress your appitite.  So when I am around food the reaction I am having has alot to do with the meds and also the depression.  My doctor explained its a fine line in balancing meds, food, and depression.  So the answer to the sadness that seems to come on out of nowhere.  More meds.  I am now on two anti depressants and one anti anxiety meds.  The side effects!!  well guess what?  the second one also is a appitite surpressant and my doctor wants me to be even more vigilant in my eating.  Its hard now – what next.  The good news (there is actually some – just a little) The additional meds should help me shake less.  We’ll see about that.

In conclusion I am not sure about the additional meds but I am trusting the doctor and if I get worse I am going off everything.  If it helps then Great I just want to be me, I was so close to being me on the weekend, I hurt for it.

Im trying to be optomistic but I don’t want to eat- here is some honesty for you- I know this is a sin but its a darkness that I am hiding in and I don’t want to come out.  That is the truth, that is what I was praying about when I was kneeling at the communion rail on Sunday asking God to forgive the darkness that I don’t want to come out of, and I don’t know why I don’t want to leave. I have so many thoughts swirling around me in regards to this and I can’t understand any of it.  Is it the meds, is it the darkness is it the depression????I don’t know. Its just such a barrier I can’t see around it. I don’t to tear it down.

My husband if he was reading this and I won’t let him read the blogs, he would say what is truth?? The truth is God loves me I preached it all weekend how can I not trust him.  But I do trust him, I do love him, I know he is right, I know the doctor is right, I know all these things.  I know How Great is my God. I have a special relationship with God, he is my all and all.  I guess that is what I have to pray before I eat.  God you are my all and all, you give me it all and help me to be a good steward of the talents you give me.  I want to be fruitful and partake of the fruits of the spirit.  Lord lead me each day in this journey Amen.

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Second week of September


Made it through the first week of school and all students ended up in the classes, teachers in right rooms.  I survived too. Friday night the blues hit me however, I got home late from work and it hit me like a cold suddenly comes on.  I can’t say it was a panic attack I haven’t had one of those in a while but I didn’t fall into a deep hole of depression, I just suddenly felt very very sad.  I could have shut myself off and hid in my bed room for the weekend. I guess it was more anxiety like.

My husband who is wonderful but is sometimes overly sensitive to my moods detected it right off.  I didn’t want to be around people, but there was a band that we loved, playing at a restaurant and he insisted we go.  The band plays the blues-you may be thinking really! Last thing you need when you feel blue, but it really picked me up.  We sat on a patio listening to the band watching a full moon rise sipping on a glass of wine. It was nice and I think it was what I needed.

Saturday, was a Jazz festival in town and we went for the afternoon to listen to different bands and ran into lots of people we knew, it was fun but after 4 hours I was done with people and needed to go home.  We bbq’d and had a nice dinner with our kids.  Had a camp fire and off to bed.

Sunday Rally day at church.  I Couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t be with all those people I was still feeling blue nothing like Friday but I couldn’t spend a couple of hours smiling.  I talked my husband into letting me stay home.  It was relieving.  I felt guilty but I just wanted sometime alone.  As for the rest of the day, there was more Jazz Festival events that my husband wanted to attend but I still couldn’t do it so we settled for sitting in our sunny yard doing a few chores and having a little ride on the motorcycle in the evening.  By Monday I was feeling better.

In the end it was a good thing, I am speaking at a Women’s Conference this Sat at my church so I needed to write my script which I did and God was gracious and flowed through me what he wanted me to say in it. I am excited to speak.  Its something I wanted to do and I am humbled and pleased to have the opportunity.  The writing and the opportunity makes me feel normal.  The only thing I am worried about is my shaky hands.  But I have a stand so if they get bad I will just hold on and plunge forward.

The rest of this week started good. Monday and Tuesday.  Wednesday and Thursday I have had this creeping sadness again.  I am not sure what it’s all about.

What I do know.  I am not in a hole, I have not had any panic attacks lately.  I have not felt darkness surrounding me.  I have been able to shop by myself and not panic or get stuck in the store.  I have felt anxiety lately.  I have felt anxious at work a couple of  times.  Its different from panic.  When I am anxious my heart races and I shake ( like that ever really stops, but the more I shake the more anxious I am) The shaking is becoming an indicator like the rector scale.  I have taken almost all my anxiety meds.  I see the Doctor on monday so I hope to get more.  Actually I hope to get something different that helps me come up when I fall down. This is my last time.  I know these things take time to get the right combo, but if it doesn`t work this round I am going off it all. Maybe that makes no sence.  But I just want me to be me again.  I hate being this scared little girl who gets paranoid about so many things, and demands reassurance after reassurance that she is doing ok.  Cause I don`t feel ok.  Its been so long since I have felt my confident self that I doubt every thing.  Maybe this is just the anxiety talking.  Maybe I do need to seek the counseling.  I have the numbers I just don`t want to call,  cause it is admission that I can`t handle this on my own and its an admission that I am incapable.  So I sit and stare at them.  Ya I know that will help!!! sarcasm!

How am I going get up infront of 40 some women and speak on Sat.  Well believe it or not that will be easy. The words I got for the presentation were directly from God.   I sat down Sunday morning and asked God to lead me the topic is fellowship and the ideas just fell together and I wrote over 3500 words in 2 hours.  I can do this confidently cause its not me, its God`s. I am talking about all of the wonderful things he has done in my life.  God gave me the words, he will give me the confidence.

As for the rest of my life I need to rely on the same source of strength.  But again that is what depression does it strips away our confidence, our drive. makes us paranoid, unsure.  That is what resisting of the devil that is hardest, cause its my mind he is playing in.  Its my thoughts that he is warping, and sometimes you can`t tell the difference between my thoughts and the warped thoughts the devil is putting in me.  I  am luck to have a husband that keeps asking me `what is truth`If I can find my thoughts as truth in the bible then I am ok.  I have to remember the fruits of the spirit, cause they are the basis of truth.  Love Goodness faithfulness Gentleness and Self-control.  These are the truths.  If I can`t relate the thoughts going through my head to these truths then the thoughts are not of God but evil.  That sounds like I have no control over my mind.  None of us do really.  The thoughts of our mind are formed by our sinful emotional self.  If we want to have thoughts that conform to God we need to look to God conform to his thoughts and look to him for direction. When our thoughts go against the fruits of the spirit then we have allowed the devil and his ways to suggest that we pull away from Godly thoughts.

This sounds like spooky hocus pocus. But let me ask you this.  How many TV shows are based on evil people doing evil things? Do you believe in evil?  ( If not watch the news)  Do you believe in darkness?  Science tells us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Would it not be from a scientific point of view that if there is darkness there is light.  If there is evil isn`t there good.  If there is a devil isn`t there a God would all those thoughts be so far-fetched ?  I don’t think so.  What do I think- well if you read any of these blogs you know.

I lift my eyes to the hills where does my help come  It comes from the Lord the maker of Heaven and earth.

God is the maker of heaven and earth, his son is the Way the Truth and the Life.

Gods blessings till next time– after the doctor!

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First full day of school – sitting in the Vice Principal’s office


I am a secretary in a High School.  It’s a cool job.  You get to deal with all sorts of kids.  Nice ones, shy ones, creative ones, ones you could do with out and broken ones.  I love my job I have done all kinds of work over my working years but, this one I like.  It is the first full day of school.  School start-up is a very stressful time of year, kids are nervous, staff are nervous, Office staff are running around trying to get all the paperwork, teachers and students in line and where they are supposed to be with the correct paperwork in hand. We get the job done.  There are five of us putting it all together.  Today however was the first full day of school and I ended up in the Vice Principal‘s office.  There is something about being in a Principal’s office that can make a grown adult turn into a ten-year old kid.  I lost my temper with a fellow staff member; who I think deserved it, but was raising her voice at me and I told her to stop raising her voice to me – only rather loudly, and demanded she allow me to have the paperwork I needed to do what I had to do.   I hate office politics, I hate gossip, I hate staff that bully, I hate people who are part of a team but are too good to help with the team.  I, much later in the morning, ended up being called into the Vice Principal’s office and told that I was totally out of character for me and it was surprising.  They know the person who I was dealing with is difficult and they need my support in keeping a peaceful office.  They also said that I was known as handling this person wonderfully and am relied on as a rock to keep the peace and flow of the office.  Was I ok, and why was I out of character? What do you say.  Sorry I forgot my anxiety meds at home and I flipped out. Sorry I am on antidepressants and sometimes I feel down and need people to stop stomping on my nerves.  I was shaky when I got up so I should have known that I was a little off.   I apologized for my raising of my voice, but if they wanted a peaceful flow in the office then all parties in the office need to work together instead of around someone.

I went back to my desk shaking.  I was angry, I was scared, the negative voices started up.  I was afraid that maybe I was losing it and that the bosses would figure out what was happening to me.  I can’t tell them at work.  Promotions are coming up and if I want a shot at them I have to be on my game.  The bosses want me to go for these promotions so I have to keep looking good and doing my best.

I don’t feel like me, I don’t feel like I have it together. I don’t know if these meds are working right and I don’t know if I should be going back to the doctor and getting the next step as she says in my progress of dealing with this.  I don’t know if I should be seeking counseling, stopping the drugs, jumping off a cliff!!  Its confusing and frustrating.  I want to be me, I have ministry ideas I want to do at my church, I have plans for programs at my school.  I have action items that I want to proceed on with.  I want to write, publish, I want to speak of God at conferences,  I want to do so many things but I feel like I can’t get started.

Oh God you are the God of good, you are the God of Love, Lead me in this journey I pray.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer – a Lutheran Pastor murdered in WWII, said “that he believed what God said through the scriptures He knew that what ever befell him or the faithful brethren would open new opportunities, in which God would operate.”

This time in my life is a moment for God to open new opportunities for God to operate.  Through desperation God creates hope, in crisis God is faithful, in heartbreak God is loving.  The devil is the operator of despair, hate, anguish. I need to keep my eyes up to the Lord from where my help comes from. I need to keep my heart up and open to him to heal this brokeness.  Though I look down at the pieces of my heart scattered upon the floor, God is there picking up the pieces.  The desire of my heart first is to be a woman after Gods heart, and secondly to spread His love to those around me.  Though I may not be whole, God will make me better, and I need to trust that even though I have depression and feel not in my right mind, not feeling myself the desires in my heart can be accomplished through God.  The rub of it all is I have to not listen to the evil voices in my head and keep my eyes and heart on God.

There is the rub.  Depression tries to rob you of all you hold near and dear.   It makes you paranoid, it makes you second guess yourself, it makes you feel alone, it isolates.  I can be sitting in the middle of a crowd and feel like the loneliest person in the world.  And because if the meds I can’t even cry about it.

 

I am going to end this post here.  It is a day in the life of a woman with depression.  I will continue to fight the demons that haunt me. I will continue to try to eat, I will make an apt with my doctor and see what is next. I will continue to pray and look to God, for from him my strength comes, even when I think it isn’t there. God Bless you to next time.

 

 

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August first half


First half of August and how am I doing?  I seem to have problems with the beginning of the month.  I was doing good through the end of July, I was feeling like me I was doing ok, no panic attacks, anxiety.  August started all good then too, then the panic and anxiety started to creep in.  I didn’t have an attack put I did have to calm myself shopping the other day but I did it.  Sunday morning I awoke with that old feeling again.  I didn’t want people to look at me, I changed my Facebook picture to a picture of a guitar.  I prayed most of the service, but I was sad and I could not shake it.  Sunday night was bad but I got some sleep and up Monday and went away with my husband for a few days.  They were good we were busy and that keeps me distracted which helped.  One night I was in a hole, Tuesday.  I could care less about everything.  My husband was asleep we had spent the day sailing so he was exhausted.  I not being able to sleep sat up till midnight watching the campfire I made and feeling sad.  Arguing with God.  God can change the heart of Paul in the new testament why can’t he change those here now?  I have a couple of thorns which I will not go into but one of the thorns involves my extended family, to put it in a nutshell,  we are dysfunctional We were not always that way.  I want my family back.  The only way to do this is for God to put it back together.  It will happen in God’s time but I have been waiting for a long time now – why can’t i have satisfaction? Why can’t I have it back?  if he is the God of power what is wrong with him?  I have been shaking again. This is usually a sign that I am heading down a rough path.  I managed to make it through the rest of the week and then Saturday came, I was almost back to square one, I was on the verge of a complete breakdown.  It was my husband who talked me out of it and helped me avoid it but I was still in a hole and shaking and the negativity of the voices were loud and strong.  I took my emergency pills.  I took more this weekend than any time up to this point. They did help, some.  I was ready to hide, I was making plans to run and hide at my friends cottage, I was planning excuses to hide at home not go to church, not go out into the world.  Again this is what depression does it isolates you and makes you pull away from all that is important to you.  Church, family, sports, running, cooking, reading, life.

But to my question.  If I believe that God is all-powerful and can change hearts why can’t he change the one of my thorns hearts? But that is the wrong question, depression and the lies that go with it want me to ask those types of questions, it wants me to deny God and is taking all things that have bothered me, all my skeletons, all my hurts, all my thorns and the lies want to surround them and blur them. and break me down one situation by situation.  As the lie does that, it pulls you down that deep hole.  It wants you to deny your intelligence, worth, and life itself.  The answer to my question, God’s timing is; God’s timing and in a world were we want all things instantly sometimes the answer to our questions is wait. You have to talk to yourself or have someone help you talk your way against the lies and to the truth. You have to keep asking yourself what is truth, what is truth, and concentrate on that.

I have good friends, actually make that I have great friends they came, and they sat and they talked to me and they supported me Sunday night.  My husband talked me away from my breakdown, and God pulled in close and waited for me to notice.  In the end Monday morning I got up read my bible and wondered where the peace was, the turmoil of the weekend was still swirling, but the voices had dissipated, what change?  My friends prayed for me they prayed specifically for my heart and against evil and then it was up to me. I gave it to God, no more me trying to fix things, no more me in control.   I can’t handle it, I can’t do it, I can’t solve it, I gave it to God and the sobs started.  It’s not something I am known to do since I have been on the meds but, I sobbed from the depth of my soul.  I got up dried my tears put my running shoes on and ran 10 km of head clearing running.  I put myself back together by praising the Lord and giving him myself unconditionally.  I came home I had a swim and it was like a baptism, the peace started to flow.   Voices defeated, sadness defeated, breakdown defeated, for today.

What will happen in the next coming weeks??????I don’t know, I do know that I have a support group and I have God to help me through. Praise be to God.  If you are in this situation find your friends, find a support group, find a way to talk yourself out of the negative and into the light.

till next time im praying for you

by

July Week Two


Feeling a bit better today.  Back at work after a quiet weekend.  Managed to get a lot of work done around the house and in the yard.  I spent most of Sunday gathering all our camping stuff for our yearly week-long camping trip.  I look forward to it every year.  I spent a lot of time sitting with my husband this weekend , around campfires in our back yard discussing; of all things, my illness– again.  I am so lucky to have an understanding supportive husband, who loves me to death. He is my rock, my friend, my love.  We put into place some fail safes for me.  That sounds weird, but if you suffer from depression you need to set up some rules and guidelines.  Depression is a mix up of chemicals in my brain.  So to put it into common terms, sometimes I don’t think straight and get emotional and confused and need to have rules to rely on to help me.  For instance, I have had a number of panic attacks in stores. or when I am on my own, I seem to get overwhelmed when by myself in public.  I don’t shop by myself,  kids or husband or friends are always with me.  If I am panicking at work. I call my husband he talks me down.  If I am taking my “incase of emergency drugs” (anti anxiety pills) I have to let my husband know, to monitor me, as they are super strong and addictive.  I feel like a little kid under supervision but the alternative ???!!!.  Having a freak out in a store by myself is worse than being chaperoned .  Having my bosses find out I am having an anxiety attack at work, is worse than making  an emergency phone call from the bathroom to my husband.  I will be done work soon for the next 4 and half weeks for summer and I am nervous about having time on my hands.  I have volunteered to assist my church as a secretary if there is holiday coverage needed.  I am planning to paint the house, and then I will start my summer cleaning, rearranging furniture, cleaning out closets.  The bottom line. This is effecting all aspects of my life even though I am trying not to.  I feel like I am living in someone elses body, like some weird movie but the body just doesn’t fit right.   Somedays  I feel like checking into a hospital and staring at the walls for weeks on end,  I am worn out.  Sometimes I almost feel like me – (but never really back to it).  We shall see what vacation does for me.  A chance to run more, maybe sleep more, more time with family.  On the good side of the vacation I will be vacationing with some good friends and one of them a pastor. He married us and baptized our kids.  I am looking forward to catching up with them and I have some things I need to discuss with him.  In my pondering, and readings, I have come to some cross roads in my thinking, in my faith.  I am having problem reconciling a couple of bible concepts with how some writers have interpreted them.  Maybe while away my friend can help me settle it.  So I leave you this week with more questions and statements than directions.  But remember God is faithful the sun always rises and the moon is always there at night.  I hope if you are suffering you continue to read, I hope you continue to trust God, or try to,  I hope you find some peace, rest, and comfort.   Bless you on your journey.

by

June continued


The darkness prowles, But the light shines.

The darkness is quiet, The light is bold.

The darkness whispers lies, The light shouts truth

The darkness trys to steal; bit by bit, The light holds a loving embrace

The darkness slips here or there, The light stands for all to see.

The darkness is hate, The light is love.

God always hold me in your love and protect me from the darkness.

Journal entry June 8, 2011 ” Being dragged on down, I am still unsettled I am not sure why, but it is a constant fight between heart and mind.  I hear the negative voices reoccuring, voices that will not let me go.  Eight track tape going on and on.  I am trying to get it to let go.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  I walk and listen to music to drown it out.  I am feeling hasselled I can not get it to stop. Lord help me.  “

June has not been an easy month and its only the 25.  I had another panic attack this week. It was building all week.  The week before I was just sad.  Sit like a lump sad.  I think the people are realizing at work that something isn’t right- my greatest fear.  This week it started to build Sunday, and I slipped each day slowly untill I was having a panic attack in my doctors office.  I was there for 40 minutes.  I felt foolish. insaine.  But it was good.  As I stated earlier, I have a great Doctor I completely trust her and she knows me well.  So this was an eye opener for her to see me in such a state.  The result. Drugs.  I am not entirely comfortable with them. She upped my anti-depressents and perscribed anti-anxiety (incase of emergency break glass) drugs.  I went to the drug store bought them, went back to work stared at them for an hour and took one. I was anxious, I was coming down from the panic, but was trying to get it together, it was an emergency.  It worked.  I came down, could concentrate, finish all I had to do and go home feeling better.  I woke the next day calmer. Praise the Lord.  Now they are my security blanket.  I carry them around in my purse, just having them near makes me feel better.  But the rub– there always is isn’t there.  They are very strong and powerful and addictive. This last event with my doctor, makes me more concerned about my mental state. I need to seek a counciler, I need more than to bother friends and read some excelent books on how to cope. I just have to ask.  I have been carrying around with me all week a EAP pamflet from work.  I have great benefits and free counciling.  But I want to go to a christian. I can’t pick up the phone and call stranger.  I have tried several times this week. My doctor told me to go to my pastor.  There are christian agencies and I maybe able to go there. 

The thing of it all.  I need to talk to someone, I talk here to you, I talk to God. God listens- he talks to me. I don’t like the drugs but they are working today, so I am happy.  But a line was crossed this week that made this  mild case of the blues to something more.  Maybe its part of the depression but it frightens me more. But that is a huge part of depression. Fear. Sadness.  Anger I have been very angry this month.  My bible study was studying the fruits of the spirit, gentleness, kindness, self control.  I felt none of these, it made me more than angry.  I lashed out at a friend who was giving me a wonderful birthday message earier this month.  She said I didn’t she didn’t take it that way.  But I was angry over her encouraging nice words. I don’t feel them.  In this wave, I have felt pathitic, and ashamed, resentment, extreem jealously, fear- scared out of my wits is better discription. So where is my God in all of this. He is there.  He promised he would be.  In the book I am reading it says Though we break God’s heart sometimes, he loves us still. That promise goes back to the beginning when in the garden of Eden and Eve disobeyed God when she ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and shared it with her husband, Adam, we lost our place in Paradise.  Sin became our birthright.  But God in His grace and mercy promised deliverance before he Banished Adam and Eve.  We are travelers through this world back to our Paradise with God.  We have storms to go through, this latest wave is yet another storm.  But God is holding me. Giving me people to help me.  Helping me to realize what I need to brave the storm and to put me in a cleft to ride it out.  The last couple of days have been good.  I practiced with my youth band today and sang my heart out in praise, and ment it. Tomorrow I deliver the children’s message- a little nervious. But feeling stronger, and I will be standing in God’s house so where better to feel his strength surrounded by people who love me, and God himself. The darkness may have been dark. But Gods light is always bright.  He is leading me on this journey – its becoming a journey of discovery. I have been realizing just how much God is there for me, the control freak and he is in control- I have just been discovering how deep with in me he lives.

Peace to you from this week talk to you later….