Feeling a bit better today. Back at work after a quiet weekend. Managed to get a lot of work done around the house and in the yard. I spent most of Sunday gathering all our camping stuff for our yearly week-long camping trip. I look forward to it every year. I spent a lot of time sitting with my husband this weekend , around campfires in our back yard discussing; of all things, my illness– again. I am so lucky to have an understanding supportive husband, who loves me to death. He is my rock, my friend, my love. We put into place some fail safes for me. That sounds weird, but if you suffer from depression you need to set up some rules and guidelines. Depression is a mix up of chemicals in my brain. So to put it into common terms, sometimes I don’t think straight and get emotional and confused and need to have rules to rely on to help me. For instance, I have had a number of panic attacks in stores. or when I am on my own, I seem to get overwhelmed when by myself in public. I don’t shop by myself, kids or husband or friends are always with me. If I am panicking at work. I call my husband he talks me down. If I am taking my “incase of emergency drugs” (anti anxiety pills) I have to let my husband know, to monitor me, as they are super strong and addictive. I feel like a little kid under supervision but the alternative ???!!!. Having a freak out in a store by myself is worse than being chaperoned . Having my bosses find out I am having an anxiety attack at work, is worse than making an emergency phone call from the bathroom to my husband. I will be done work soon for the next 4 and half weeks for summer and I am nervous about having time on my hands. I have volunteered to assist my church as a secretary if there is holiday coverage needed. I am planning to paint the house, and then I will start my summer cleaning, rearranging furniture, cleaning out closets. The bottom line. This is effecting all aspects of my life even though I am trying not to. I feel like I am living in someone elses body, like some weird movie but the body just doesn’t fit right. Somedays I feel like checking into a hospital and staring at the walls for weeks on end, I am worn out. Sometimes I almost feel like me – (but never really back to it). We shall see what vacation does for me. A chance to run more, maybe sleep more, more time with family. On the good side of the vacation I will be vacationing with some good friends and one of them a pastor. He married us and baptized our kids. I am looking forward to catching up with them and I have some things I need to discuss with him. In my pondering, and readings, I have come to some cross roads in my thinking, in my faith. I am having problem reconciling a couple of bible concepts with how some writers have interpreted them. Maybe while away my friend can help me settle it. So I leave you this week with more questions and statements than directions. But remember God is faithful the sun always rises and the moon is always there at night. I hope if you are suffering you continue to read, I hope you continue to trust God, or try to, I hope you find some peace, rest, and comfort. Bless you on your journey.
The darkness prowles, But the light shines.
The darkness is quiet, The light is bold.
The darkness whispers lies, The light shouts truth
The darkness trys to steal; bit by bit, The light holds a loving embrace
The darkness slips here or there, The light stands for all to see.
The darkness is hate, The light is love.
God always hold me in your love and protect me from the darkness.
Journal entry June 8, 2011 ” Being dragged on down, I am still unsettled I am not sure why, but it is a constant fight between heart and mind. I hear the negative voices reoccuring, voices that will not let me go. Eight track tape going on and on. I am trying to get it to let go. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I walk and listen to music to drown it out. I am feeling hasselled I can not get it to stop. Lord help me. “
June has not been an easy month and its only the 25. I had another panic attack this week. It was building all week. The week before I was just sad. Sit like a lump sad. I think the people are realizing at work that something isn’t right- my greatest fear. This week it started to build Sunday, and I slipped each day slowly untill I was having a panic attack in my doctors office. I was there for 40 minutes. I felt foolish. insaine. But it was good. As I stated earlier, I have a great Doctor I completely trust her and she knows me well. So this was an eye opener for her to see me in such a state. The result. Drugs. I am not entirely comfortable with them. She upped my anti-depressents and perscribed anti-anxiety (incase of emergency break glass) drugs. I went to the drug store bought them, went back to work stared at them for an hour and took one. I was anxious, I was coming down from the panic, but was trying to get it together, it was an emergency. It worked. I came down, could concentrate, finish all I had to do and go home feeling better. I woke the next day calmer. Praise the Lord. Now they are my security blanket. I carry them around in my purse, just having them near makes me feel better. But the rub– there always is isn’t there. They are very strong and powerful and addictive. This last event with my doctor, makes me more concerned about my mental state. I need to seek a counciler, I need more than to bother friends and read some excelent books on how to cope. I just have to ask. I have been carrying around with me all week a EAP pamflet from work. I have great benefits and free counciling. But I want to go to a christian. I can’t pick up the phone and call stranger. I have tried several times this week. My doctor told me to go to my pastor. There are christian agencies and I maybe able to go there.
The thing of it all. I need to talk to someone, I talk here to you, I talk to God. God listens- he talks to me. I don’t like the drugs but they are working today, so I am happy. But a line was crossed this week that made this mild case of the blues to something more. Maybe its part of the depression but it frightens me more. But that is a huge part of depression. Fear. Sadness. Anger I have been very angry this month. My bible study was studying the fruits of the spirit, gentleness, kindness, self control. I felt none of these, it made me more than angry. I lashed out at a friend who was giving me a wonderful birthday message earier this month. She said I didn’t she didn’t take it that way. But I was angry over her encouraging nice words. I don’t feel them. In this wave, I have felt pathitic, and ashamed, resentment, extreem jealously, fear- scared out of my wits is better discription. So where is my God in all of this. He is there. He promised he would be. In the book I am reading it says Though we break God’s heart sometimes, he loves us still. That promise goes back to the beginning when in the garden of Eden and Eve disobeyed God when she ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and shared it with her husband, Adam, we lost our place in Paradise. Sin became our birthright. But God in His grace and mercy promised deliverance before he Banished Adam and Eve. We are travelers through this world back to our Paradise with God. We have storms to go through, this latest wave is yet another storm. But God is holding me. Giving me people to help me. Helping me to realize what I need to brave the storm and to put me in a cleft to ride it out. The last couple of days have been good. I practiced with my youth band today and sang my heart out in praise, and ment it. Tomorrow I deliver the children’s message- a little nervious. But feeling stronger, and I will be standing in God’s house so where better to feel his strength surrounded by people who love me, and God himself. The darkness may have been dark. But Gods light is always bright. He is leading me on this journey – its becoming a journey of discovery. I have been realizing just how much God is there for me, the control freak and he is in control- I have just been discovering how deep with in me he lives.
Peace to you from this week talk to you later….