July Week Two


Feeling a bit better today.  Back at work after a quiet weekend.  Managed to get a lot of work done around the house and in the yard.  I spent most of Sunday gathering all our camping stuff for our yearly week-long camping trip.  I look forward to it every year.  I spent a lot of time sitting with my husband this weekend , around campfires in our back yard discussing; of all things, my illness– again.  I am so lucky to have an understanding supportive husband, who loves me to death. He is my rock, my friend, my love.  We put into place some fail safes for me.  That sounds weird, but if you suffer from depression you need to set up some rules and guidelines.  Depression is a mix up of chemicals in my brain.  So to put it into common terms, sometimes I don’t think straight and get emotional and confused and need to have rules to rely on to help me.  For instance, I have had a number of panic attacks in stores. or when I am on my own, I seem to get overwhelmed when by myself in public.  I don’t shop by myself,  kids or husband or friends are always with me.  If I am panicking at work. I call my husband he talks me down.  If I am taking my “incase of emergency drugs” (anti anxiety pills) I have to let my husband know, to monitor me, as they are super strong and addictive.  I feel like a little kid under supervision but the alternative ???!!!.  Having a freak out in a store by myself is worse than being chaperoned .  Having my bosses find out I am having an anxiety attack at work, is worse than making  an emergency phone call from the bathroom to my husband.  I will be done work soon for the next 4 and half weeks for summer and I am nervous about having time on my hands.  I have volunteered to assist my church as a secretary if there is holiday coverage needed.  I am planning to paint the house, and then I will start my summer cleaning, rearranging furniture, cleaning out closets.  The bottom line. This is effecting all aspects of my life even though I am trying not to.  I feel like I am living in someone elses body, like some weird movie but the body just doesn’t fit right.   Somedays  I feel like checking into a hospital and staring at the walls for weeks on end,  I am worn out.  Sometimes I almost feel like me – (but never really back to it).  We shall see what vacation does for me.  A chance to run more, maybe sleep more, more time with family.  On the good side of the vacation I will be vacationing with some good friends and one of them a pastor. He married us and baptized our kids.  I am looking forward to catching up with them and I have some things I need to discuss with him.  In my pondering, and readings, I have come to some cross roads in my thinking, in my faith.  I am having problem reconciling a couple of bible concepts with how some writers have interpreted them.  Maybe while away my friend can help me settle it.  So I leave you this week with more questions and statements than directions.  But remember God is faithful the sun always rises and the moon is always there at night.  I hope if you are suffering you continue to read, I hope you continue to trust God, or try to,  I hope you find some peace, rest, and comfort.   Bless you on your journey.

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