Psycohology of the unstable mind


The psychology of mental illness, that sounds like it contradicts its self, it’s the psychology that fixes mental illness.  Psychology is an academic and applied discipline that involves the scientific study of mental functions and behaviors.  It is the behaviors and the study of mental illness that leads to is cures, its medicines.  We know it is a chemical malfunction that creates the depression. It is a chemical malfunction that creates a cancer cell to grow.   But what kind of chemical malfunction takes a person to want to hurt oneself.  The process of the mentally ill seem to follow the same pattern.  We can see documentation, story after story of how people went from one level to another level to another level to cross into actions that are as unthinkable to a healthy person as they are to the unhealthy. The question then becomes, what is the underlying condition, problem, or situation to lead an unstable person to the next level of self-destruction?

When I was a little girl listening to the radio I couldn’t figure out why all the songs on the radio talked about love?  I was 10 I knew I was loved, I knew that I was in a safe place full of love.  Why were there all these songs about wanting love, getting love, losing love?  To put life in its grandiose terms, life is love.  The fruit of the spirit is;

Galatians 5:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The fruits of depression are the opposite of Gods Fruits.  There is no peace or joy in depression, only sadness and hurt.  Forbearance, Kindness Goodness, is unattainable because of the pain in one’s heart that they can not see around.  Does the depressed person know they are loved by God, Yes they do but it does not stop undesirable actions that can not be controlled.  This leads to the next part.  gentleness and self-control.   Anger and disgust are the two most powerful emotions that grab onto the heart, it is the self-hatred that dominates all actions regardless if rational or not rational.  To cut ones self is an unnatural act, we naturally hate pain, and do anything to keep from being uncomfortable.  The rational of a depressed person in pain with in, wants to only match the pain on the outside by cutting at ones own skin, or any other harmful actions.  It is an act of hatred, self loathing, and the person unbalanced sees every thing in the house as a potential weapon to their inward pain. Kitchen knives, scissors, razors, any thing with an edge and the depressed individual is looking at what a normal person would see as an unsafe item, the depressed person is making a mental note to remember that ‘thing’ could come in handy when the state of mind becomes clouded with pain, and panic.

Its interesting; when you go on vacation, we go camping you set up and you put up your tarp, you relax have a beer and spend the next hour soaking in the peace and joy of being in nature and enjoying a beer, your reward for hard work.  If you relax your body with yoga it’s not a 5 minute thing, it’s a process of breathing, concentrating, relaxing, it is not a sudden emotion or state of mind.  When you become angry, or feel in danger or have a panic attack it is sudden, powerful and on some levels thrilling.  The depressed person who cuts finds it a relief to be able to punish oneself in  another way, to satisfy the angry voices in the head.  The thrill leaves when the person moves beyond the crisis and wakes up the next morning seeing the destruction the person has caused.  Embarrassed, and disgusted with the actions the person falls even more into a hole.

It is not a isolated development.  If you read blogs, stories, books, of people and the depression journey they have been on, the self destruction is bound to turn up sometime.  How do you stop it. grab the person by the hands and don’t let go.  No human spoken word can cure it, Can the word of God stop it I know that he can sometimes I don’t feel it, but the forgiveness is always available.  As Jesus prayed  over 2000 years ago “Lord forgive them for they do not know what they are doing”

till next time………………………………

The truth of pain.


Lord do not forsake me, for only by your hand is there clarity. For my mind is a jumble of mixed up thoughts. A pile of mixed up words. Darkness of confusion. As I sit in church and look at your cross I want to see the clarity your word. If God is reaching for man and man is suffering in a pain that the painkillers won’t heal and the doctors do not know how to cure, that the wine does not numb, how do you look at God and see his love. Do I not believe in it? My head says yes I believe in his Love but the pain of suffering can not help but make you think that you are being punished. Forgive my unforgiveness and unbelief, for the pain of the confused mind overshadows truth and love and creates a sink hole of darkness. As I take the body and the blood and kneel at the table of God, my mind is a swirl of light, dark, You want to trust but you feel punished, yet you ask for forgiveness. I do not ask for God to take this pain anymore, I have asked and it is still here. I don’t ask cause I fear disappointment. I know in my head that God’s timing is not mine, but God what ever I am to learn from this, how thick am I that I have not learned it, so this pain can be taken from me. A swirl of thoughts as I kneel at God’s table ….I eat, I drink, I ask for forgiveness, repent, yet when I leave, I do not go in peace. Its no where to be found, and that is the pain. A tight heart of hurt, a grip that never loosens, Drugs that numb you and a mind that thoughts are blank.

till next time……

do’s and don’ts


It dawned on me the other day that I have never done – do’s and don’t- for depression.  You know in my head it sounded better than what it looks like in print.  However, Over the past few years I have learned a few things.  If you follow my blogs you know I have done a lot of don’ts.

There is so much swirling when you fall down in a hole.  Swirling is a good word it embraces the action and sound.  You feel swept up and the sound it’s like a tornado swirling in your head.  I want to paint a picture of what it is like. Thursday night I fell in a hole.  The months leading up to this should have been a tell-tale sign that something was coming.  I go up and I go down, the last few months I have been like a ball bouncing.  Bounce up and down, hit the floor bounce up a little less in height, another bounce just as hard and a little less in height again.  Thursday I didn’t really bounce, I blipped.  All week I had been building up to the fall.  Its kinda like watching your cat about to roll off the couch, you don’t stop them because you think naw it’s a cat they are smarter than that but you know its going to happen.

Things that go through the mind on the slid.  I am not smart, I am stupid, I am a burden, I am unlovable, I hate this body, mind, being.  I am not worthy, why would any body–friend, co-worker, husband, kids , God, give a damn about me or anything I do.  These are hard words, but these are the words and darkness that go through this globe on my shoulders.  There is a darkness that follows you around, a negativity that colours all you do, all you think.  The dark voices – and I will use voices, but you could say thoughts, demons, negativity- pick one — they all make you feel crazy.  But this is where the battle of depression happens.  In the mind and it is a battle grounds.  It confuses your words, your thoughts, it bends what you think you have straight. It twists your faith, what is truth. You think things you would never, or have never thought of before, and you are shocked.  If you have ever seen a battle field you know the grounds are never the same again.  They are hurt, broken, manipulated, not pretty, well groomed or ever the same. That describes  your mind and heart, they will never be the same again. 

Physically, I look down- seems a weird statement but its like a piece of wet wood in the sun.  I start to curl.  I don’t look at people, my heart races, I find it hard to breath, sometimes I feel faint, I fidget, shake, tremble  from the depths of my being, I usually end up in a ball on the couch or my bed.  My body hurts, my head aches, it almost is like getting the flu.  To do anything takes all the energy you have. You sleep when you shouldn’t, you blink at the ceiling most of the night when you should be asleep.  You can not concentrate, you can’t multi task, any negativity is like nails on a black board you want to put your hands over your ears and scream.  You don’t remember things.  There have been evenings where I have had to ask my husband what happened the night before or I find messages I sent on my phone that I have no memory of sending.

What do you do? I retreat, I hide, I am uncooperative, argumentative, I don’t want to go out. I don’t care, I spend too much money – that I do not have, I stay up late cause I am angry, I stop eating, I drink too much, I work out too much as a punishment for not being in control.  I try to control what I can, thus I don’t eat, don’t sleep.  If I sleep the darkness comes in. I text stupid things to people late at night. I put outrageous things on Facebook. I remove any pictures of me from the net. I want to get into a car and drive till I run out of road or gas, I don’t care what comes first. I don’t shower, care how I dress, what my hair is like, or any other grooming, nails feet etc.

What do you believe?  You don’t believe that God is real, the devil is creeping around you promising you peace in a nice dark place and when you get there, its screaming and everything but peace. Everything you believe in as truth becomes muddy and you know longer trust your thoughts or what you believe in because it all becomes a blurr.

These are the things that happen when you fall. This is what happens to me.

The don’t s  : Don’t mix anti anxiety meds with wine.  It only makes the hole wider and deeper that you are going to fall in.

Stay away from Social Media, don’t twit, tweet, facebook, text, bbm, email, or put anything in writing -you will not remember and in the morning you will be beside yourself with shame.  I shut off the phone give it to my daughter and she hides it.

Don’t OD on the meds.  I was falling last week and instead of taking 1/2 a pill when I needed. I was taking whole pills and doubled up on them and added a glass of wine with no food and sent myself  for a tail spin.

Don’t shop.  Shopping only makes you broke and you get stuff  you really don’t need.  It also puts you in a dangerous place.  I once had a panic attack at a housewares store, I walked back and forth with a bowl in my hand  for 45 minutes – I really thought the staff were going to call the cops on me.

Don’t not eat.  You don’t eat cause you hate yourself, and you can control what you put in your mouth but you are hurting your body physically more than you could ever know.  You need the energy to fight the battle.

Don’t drive when you are angry.  I don’t think I have ever mentioned this in a blog,  I have done some really dangerous things in my van because I was in a wrong mind frame and I should have never been behind the wheel.

Don’t lie– I can put on a really good face when I don’t want people, even my husband to know what I am feeling and where I am.  Be honest with the significant other in your life, be it friend, spouse, therapist. Someone need to know when you are slipping — its important.

The Do’s

First off there has to be rules.  You need a enforcer to make you abide by them.

Do drink tea.  When you are having an anxious moment or panic attack a beer or wine is the worse thing you can do — calming teas are so much better they help slow you down and stay away from coffee and pop too.

Do follow the directions on your meds.  You know they are there for a reason!

Do get some sleep – watching TV and channel changing till 2 in the morning makes it hard to get up in the morning.

Do go and spend time with friends.  Isolating yourself is not what you want to do.  Being around people is what you need and not at the mall.  Trust that people care, and they want to be there to be a shoulder to lean on.. and you know what — if they are not there to be leaned on, then maybe they are not true friends.

EAT.  Not eating only makes your body physically panic and that sets off the nerves and responses,  your body is already  in crisis from the chemical imbalance in your brain.  Food can counter act it.

Pray.  When I sit with my pastor my husband and my best friend and they pray over me – I  make greater gains  fighting this illness being covered over with prayer and protection from the darkness that lurks;  than in all the therapy I have taken.

Part two of Prayer – Do it for yourself.  When I open my arms and heart and say God I am not in control but you are.  All that I am and all that I have is yours. You put the earth on its axis who am I to demand anything from you for I am a poor miserable sinner.  Please help me fight the darkness with the light that only you put into this world.   When I give my self away – I gain my self.

Help– this all looks good on paper, like most best laid plans.  The thing is when you get the flu you need   rest and to look after yourself with meds, food, lots of liquids, and someone to help. This is an illness too.  You need the same prescription. Rest, meds, good food, lots of the right liquids and someone to help you — or just hold you while you cry.  You can’t survive a major  illness like cancer, flu, any type of surgery with out help from medical personal, loved ones, friends, even strangers.  This too is a major illness you need help.

Truth:  What is truth?  There have been times when the darkness in my head has screamed that  it wants me to say the lies to make them real.  God spoke the world into existence. The word became flesh in Jesus.  I firmly believe that if I voice the darkness in my head they will be come my new truth.  I have to adopt a mantra that God is truth and I will not voice the words in my head.  When I keep that going in my head it is my weapon in my battle.

I wanted to do this blog for two reasons, one, for those who suffer, again its like the flu.  You get sick and you get stupid– you are laying there with fever and chills and you forget to drink liquids.  You forget how to treat it cause you are the one sick– your too busy being sick to treat yourself. Two, for those who don’t suffer this is what it is like and these are the things that you can do to help.  If you are a significant other make a rule book.  I have to call my husband every time I take an anxiety pill.  If I get stuck somewhere due to anxiety or panic attack – he always has his phone on him I call.  For his part he knows me so well after 23 years together – he can tell by my face where I am.   I lose the light in my eyes and my face changes and he can see it. So can my best friends they can tell too.  It s a good plan. I don’t always follow it exactly cause you know I get forgetful when I am ill, but its a plan and its there for my protection.  And truly I don’t think I would be alive today if it were not for the people around me and the plan. I’m not trying to be dramatic – it’s just truth. Nature of the beast.

till next time………………………

Short on words


“Scripture  really strikes you hard – that might be a healing point – a ministry point – a  passage the Holy Spirit is using to break a lie you are hearing and believing  – a passage that you need to commit to memory and claim for yourself each  morning until you own it and it owns you.  When attacked by the lies of the  devil remember what Luther wrote… “one little Word can fell  him”… ”

A message from a friend in regards to my last post.   – it did nothing but make me weep. My first thought how did this all get so hard! There is a relationship between the word and eternal life.  The word became flesh.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not love, I gain nothing. – 1 Corinthians 13
Tonight I have no love, I am fighting with loving myself tonight. I am having an anxiety attack.  I want to text, email, my close friends and express my breaking heart. I am tired of reaching out and feeling like a fool, in the morning. Tonight I am popping my pills and following up with a small but yummy glass of red wine and hiding in my room.
its dark out tonight and that is how i feel – tomorrow will be light maybe I can be that way tomorrow.
till next time………..

New Week Smaller Demons


Last week was so exhausting.  It was hard to keep things together.  This week is all about me.  I started to refinish my dining room table two years ago.  I ran out of steam then, and decided to leave it for a bit.  I moved it outside yesterday and I should be done it by tonight.  I made a point of not rushing anything.  I went for a run, I ate some breakfast, I bought some groceries, cooked an amazing supper.  Everything I did I did slowly and dilibertly.  I actually managed to get some sleep Sunday night so Monday was great.  Last night I had an hour sleep and I can feel the pulling down of my spirit, but I keep reciting the same mantra “I am just tired at 2 have a nap.”

I managed to make it to church on Sunday I had told friends I would not, they were happy I came.  I didn’t want to, but Sunday I felt a drawing to the church so I went.  I asked my friend to sit beside me.  It seem silly, but last Sunday I was harassed by negativity, I wanted positiveness to surround me I wanted my friend who I knew was praying for me near, my protection, my shield.  God is my shield and should be my protection, but I am still wrestling with my unbelief,  I just wanted a flesh and blood friend beside me.  In the end I was feeling better somewhat at the end of the service and went home in a better place than before.  I guess that is the main thing.

I was told when I am in this down place I should not examine my faith.  This depression is such an ever-changing thing.  I have learned that it’s not a sadness, it is so far from just that I don’t see it connected to depression at all anymore.  I still feel my spirit being pulled down, but it’s so much more than that.  It is attacks.  When my spirit starts to be pulled down, I feel myself withdrawing from people.  I become afraid of them.  That is how it always begins.  Then the negativity starts.  The attacks of voices, your no good, etc, etc. then the questioning, I hear the songs, I hear the bible verses, the sermons I become confused and can not sort out right from wrong.  I can’t sort out truth from lies.  This causes me to become afraid and in cases like last week I have a bad anxiety attack.  It sucks your energy. You think and rethink everything.  You can’t remember things, I can’t talk.  I forget words and studer which only adds to the feeling of insanity, which adds the fact you are not yourself, you forget who that person was, and you belittle yourself more because you are not the person you thought you knew and around and around it goes. If is was only a case of sadness I could deal with just that.  It is a whirl wind like a dust storm. Thick of partials not knowing what  one speck is from another and  where or it should be.

So for today – cause I can’t think of tomorrow.  I will finish my dining room table.  I will make a good supper. I will try to have a nap and continue to ask God to forgive my unbelief.

till next time……..

 

Post # 40 “just saying”


Shaky shake.  I have been riding a good wave. Feeling good haven’t really exercised I have put on a couple of pounds all my troubles are far behind.  Then yesterday happened.  I went for apt # three with my therapist.  I felt like I was slipping early in the day.  I felt like I wanted to cry but could not.  I got to my apt and we sat – I sat on the couch again- she beat me to the chair.  Darn! We talked for a bit.  I had printed an email I had sent to my pastor describing what I go through when I start to slip, and the depression hits.  I wanted him to understand my progresson and understand how I fight and how hard it is, I also figured as a pastor it would give him insight into the secret world of the mind during depression.  I had homework to do from when I left last time; to gage my sadness and there wasn’t much to say cause I felt good last week.  However she asked me to read the letter.  I did, then I started to shake, I started to cry and freak out. I don’t know if it was a panic attack or anxiety or what it was.  I do know I lost my composure, had to look into those puppy dog eyes and try to pull it together. I didn’t happen.  We talk some more I get my next assignment and sent on my way.  I don’t go back for two weeks.

So what do I think of this?  I don’t know what to think.  Part of me feels like a failure, I know that is the dark voices talking.  Part of me says I am doing all the right things just hang in there.  Part of me feels embarrassed and less than who I used to be.  I haven’t eaten in two days.  I cook but to look at food makes my stomach turn, I go for a walk. I forced  myself to eat an egg tonight.  Tomorrow – who knows.

The sadness creeps in, the loneliness just sweeps my heart away.  I don’t want to feel this way.  The darkness is closer this time it hasn’t been for a while but it is tonight.  I feel empty.  When I feel like this I think of my friend’s son who killed himself a year ago now.  How empty he must have felt that night.  How lonely was his heart. How sad his soul.  I can feel the path he traveled to get to his end.  I also know that Jesus was there to hold him and save him.

I have hid myself in my room tonight. Reading, some yoga which stretched some muscles but gave me no peace.  So I write this blog and pour out my pain.  Today I shake badly, I haven’t shook that much in a while and it was never-ending.  I could feel it come from the centre of my being.  I was very anxious and a little snappy at people.  People that came to my desk I was ok with on the phone was a different thing.  I email my husband who is on the road.  I text my best friend who is a very busy person and doesn’t need to be bothered at work I don’t want to be a burden but I just want to have someone care.  I feel like no one cares- that is the lie that the devil wants me to buy.  I resist but its hard.  I know the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people in my life.  This weekend I am going away with my best friend from school.  It will be wonderful I have not told her about my depression, so as we do a wine tour in Niagara and sit up all night in our hotel room talking and talking I will confess my downfalls.  But all in all God has been good to me.  Even if my heart cry out in pain and opposes what my soul tells it. My mind hides in the darkness with its hands over its ears so it can’t hear and hands over its eyes so it can’t see while the heart and soul fight for victory over the body.

So where is my God in this.  Where he always is.  At my right hand at the ready when called upon to help me.  So I Praise the Lord for he is Love and Good.  I denounce the devil and all his ways in the name of Jesus Christ the son of God. And I ask that my shepherd keep me in his pen so I can be safe from the wickedness that taunts me and ask that Jesus keeps calling my name so this sheep can hear him and follow.  Amen

r

October – believe that fall is here.


It’s the first week in October.  Its cold, I wore a leather coat today.  It is inevitable that winter is coming.  I was born in Canada this isn’t a new thing to me – fall/winter.  But I don’t like being cold, but I am a farm girl, a Canadian girl, grew up in the snow belt, so no more whining about cold – I will suck it up- buy a sweater.

What is new in the life of depression.  Well, two weeks or so on the new drugs and some of the side effects have disappeared.  When I first took them half way through the morning I felt numb, my brain was in a fog.  That seems much better this week.  The shakes, well even they seem a little better.  The anxiety, well still working on that one.  We were to a friend’s place for dinner Sunday night I was doing good for the first half of the night and started to feel my heart pounding and jittery, so I took an anxiety pill and survived over dinner but when we got to desert I was starting to slip.  My husband noticed and told me the little things he does to lift me up.  I was getting tired and I had enough of being with people.  There were 8 of us and I was done.  But we soon left after that.  I went home took my anti-depressant pill in bed by 10:30 awake by 3 am but did manage to get back to sleep this time for an hour or two.  I went to work feeling clearer, a good sign.  I went shopping after work for new dress pants.  I wore some on Sunday that were horribly large on me.  I love those pants but I must have some alterations on them they are a size 4 I bought a nice dress pant size 2 today.  Since my dr. apt a few weeks ago I have lost a little more weight.  I am eating a little more some days.

I have been beating myself up over my weight loss and the lack of appetite and seeing it as a huge sin and on Sunday God and I separated it.  I saw this huge wall that I couldn’t get around.  I was hurting my body and saw that as a sin and yet the darkness I was holding on to.  Sunday God and I separated it.  It is not a wall between me and my father.  It is a condition, caused by first the medication.  I am not hungry, the meds suppress appetite, not my fault.  I eat and I don’t feel well afterwards, to the point of feeling like I could throw up ( I have never done that).  So fear of being ill and the pain of eating keeps me from eating much.  As for God it is the darkness that wants me to believe that it is a wall between me and God. God showed me this weekend that he is separate from that.  My lack of eating and loss of weight that I saw as a sin and keeping me from Gods love, forgiveness, joy.  As I looked at the cross at the front of the church and looked at how smooth and even pretty it was, unthreatening.  I thought about what the cross that Jesus hung on looked like.  Two pieces of  rough wood, large spikes through his hands and feet and how he separated himself from God, the pain the agony the death.  Why? so I could come closer to God, so God and I could have a relationship.  Jesus’ death bridged the distance between me and God over my sin, Jesus took all our sin on him and rose again to be with God so we could be forgiven.  He defeated death and darkness.  But as I have said many times, darkness and depression want you to believe that God does not matter he does not love me and I should not love myself.  That no one cares.  But God loves me dearly and there is no wall between us it was the darkness creating a lie that I could not be loved by God because if my eating issues ( I can’t call them a disorder – yet).  The wall disappeared and the eating issues seem smaller now.

The thought of someone going through depression with no contacts, support groups, no prayers for them, no God.  That darkness is black.  I scares me that someone could be so lost, and yet be in a crowd.  God can conquer all he has done it with me.  Last post I asked God to cover me with his wing so I could hide and prepare for the next day and he covered me came to my heart healed some of the brokeness showed me the light through the window to go another day, another few hours till the next anxiety attack. And he lifted me up so I could love Him and me. Through his word in the bible, through the words spoken on Sunday in the sermon, in the songs I was teaching the Sunday school class, and in the most kindest words from my best friend, God made sure I knew that I was loved and forgiven.

So does that mean I am cured was it a weekend of miraculous healing.  No it was not.  I had the shakes for a bit today, my heart was pounding this afternoon and I felt anxious, it was not an attack but I calmed my spirit and rode the wave.  I nibbled tonight for supper, not a whole lot but I put a little something in me. I feel broken still, not as much as yesterday and maybe less tomorrow.  I am not cured, but in this journey God is showing me his power and I will be cured in due time – God’s time.  In the mean time I write here, pray for those who read these blogs and hope that no one will ever go through depression without talking to God and having him save their heart and soul.

God Bless you and May he show you the way out of the darkness and into the light – where there is peace beyond all understanding and joy and love you can only get through the Father Son and Holy Spirit.  Invite them into your heart and soul, for a brighter and better tomorrow.   Amen