Psycohology of the unstable mind


The psychology of mental illness, that sounds like it contradicts its self, it’s the psychology that fixes mental illness.  Psychology is an academic and applied discipline that involves the scientific study of mental functions and behaviors.  It is the behaviors and the study of mental illness that leads to is cures, its medicines.  We know it is a chemical malfunction that creates the depression. It is a chemical malfunction that creates a cancer cell to grow.   But what kind of chemical malfunction takes a person to want to hurt oneself.  The process of the mentally ill seem to follow the same pattern.  We can see documentation, story after story of how people went from one level to another level to another level to cross into actions that are as unthinkable to a healthy person as they are to the unhealthy. The question then becomes, what is the underlying condition, problem, or situation to lead an unstable person to the next level of self-destruction?

When I was a little girl listening to the radio I couldn’t figure out why all the songs on the radio talked about love?  I was 10 I knew I was loved, I knew that I was in a safe place full of love.  Why were there all these songs about wanting love, getting love, losing love?  To put life in its grandiose terms, life is love.  The fruit of the spirit is;

Galatians 5:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The fruits of depression are the opposite of Gods Fruits.  There is no peace or joy in depression, only sadness and hurt.  Forbearance, Kindness Goodness, is unattainable because of the pain in one’s heart that they can not see around.  Does the depressed person know they are loved by God, Yes they do but it does not stop undesirable actions that can not be controlled.  This leads to the next part.  gentleness and self-control.   Anger and disgust are the two most powerful emotions that grab onto the heart, it is the self-hatred that dominates all actions regardless if rational or not rational.  To cut ones self is an unnatural act, we naturally hate pain, and do anything to keep from being uncomfortable.  The rational of a depressed person in pain with in, wants to only match the pain on the outside by cutting at ones own skin, or any other harmful actions.  It is an act of hatred, self loathing, and the person unbalanced sees every thing in the house as a potential weapon to their inward pain. Kitchen knives, scissors, razors, any thing with an edge and the depressed individual is looking at what a normal person would see as an unsafe item, the depressed person is making a mental note to remember that ‘thing’ could come in handy when the state of mind becomes clouded with pain, and panic.

Its interesting; when you go on vacation, we go camping you set up and you put up your tarp, you relax have a beer and spend the next hour soaking in the peace and joy of being in nature and enjoying a beer, your reward for hard work.  If you relax your body with yoga it’s not a 5 minute thing, it’s a process of breathing, concentrating, relaxing, it is not a sudden emotion or state of mind.  When you become angry, or feel in danger or have a panic attack it is sudden, powerful and on some levels thrilling.  The depressed person who cuts finds it a relief to be able to punish oneself in  another way, to satisfy the angry voices in the head.  The thrill leaves when the person moves beyond the crisis and wakes up the next morning seeing the destruction the person has caused.  Embarrassed, and disgusted with the actions the person falls even more into a hole.

It is not a isolated development.  If you read blogs, stories, books, of people and the depression journey they have been on, the self destruction is bound to turn up sometime.  How do you stop it. grab the person by the hands and don’t let go.  No human spoken word can cure it, Can the word of God stop it I know that he can sometimes I don’t feel it, but the forgiveness is always available.  As Jesus prayed  over 2000 years ago “Lord forgive them for they do not know what they are doing”

till next time………………………………

The truth of pain.


Lord do not forsake me, for only by your hand is there clarity. For my mind is a jumble of mixed up thoughts. A pile of mixed up words. Darkness of confusion. As I sit in church and look at your cross I want to see the clarity your word. If God is reaching for man and man is suffering in a pain that the painkillers won’t heal and the doctors do not know how to cure, that the wine does not numb, how do you look at God and see his love. Do I not believe in it? My head says yes I believe in his Love but the pain of suffering can not help but make you think that you are being punished. Forgive my unforgiveness and unbelief, for the pain of the confused mind overshadows truth and love and creates a sink hole of darkness. As I take the body and the blood and kneel at the table of God, my mind is a swirl of light, dark, You want to trust but you feel punished, yet you ask for forgiveness. I do not ask for God to take this pain anymore, I have asked and it is still here. I don’t ask cause I fear disappointment. I know in my head that God’s timing is not mine, but God what ever I am to learn from this, how thick am I that I have not learned it, so this pain can be taken from me. A swirl of thoughts as I kneel at God’s table ….I eat, I drink, I ask for forgiveness, repent, yet when I leave, I do not go in peace. Its no where to be found, and that is the pain. A tight heart of hurt, a grip that never loosens, Drugs that numb you and a mind that thoughts are blank.

till next time……

do’s and don’ts


It dawned on me the other day that I have never done – do’s and don’t- for depression.  You know in my head it sounded better than what it looks like in print.  However, Over the past few years I have learned a few things.  If you follow my blogs you know I have done a lot of don’ts.

There is so much swirling when you fall down in a hole.  Swirling is a good word it embraces the action and sound.  You feel swept up and the sound it’s like a tornado swirling in your head.  I want to paint a picture of what it is like. Thursday night I fell in a hole.  The months leading up to this should have been a tell-tale sign that something was coming.  I go up and I go down, the last few months I have been like a ball bouncing.  Bounce up and down, hit the floor bounce up a little less in height, another bounce just as hard and a little less in height again.  Thursday I didn’t really bounce, I blipped.  All week I had been building up to the fall.  Its kinda like watching your cat about to roll off the couch, you don’t stop them because you think naw it’s a cat they are smarter than that but you know its going to happen.

Things that go through the mind on the slid.  I am not smart, I am stupid, I am a burden, I am unlovable, I hate this body, mind, being.  I am not worthy, why would any body–friend, co-worker, husband, kids , God, give a damn about me or anything I do.  These are hard words, but these are the words and darkness that go through this globe on my shoulders.  There is a darkness that follows you around, a negativity that colours all you do, all you think.  The dark voices – and I will use voices, but you could say thoughts, demons, negativity- pick one — they all make you feel crazy.  But this is where the battle of depression happens.  In the mind and it is a battle grounds.  It confuses your words, your thoughts, it bends what you think you have straight. It twists your faith, what is truth. You think things you would never, or have never thought of before, and you are shocked.  If you have ever seen a battle field you know the grounds are never the same again.  They are hurt, broken, manipulated, not pretty, well groomed or ever the same. That describes  your mind and heart, they will never be the same again. 

Physically, I look down- seems a weird statement but its like a piece of wet wood in the sun.  I start to curl.  I don’t look at people, my heart races, I find it hard to breath, sometimes I feel faint, I fidget, shake, tremble  from the depths of my being, I usually end up in a ball on the couch or my bed.  My body hurts, my head aches, it almost is like getting the flu.  To do anything takes all the energy you have. You sleep when you shouldn’t, you blink at the ceiling most of the night when you should be asleep.  You can not concentrate, you can’t multi task, any negativity is like nails on a black board you want to put your hands over your ears and scream.  You don’t remember things.  There have been evenings where I have had to ask my husband what happened the night before or I find messages I sent on my phone that I have no memory of sending.

What do you do? I retreat, I hide, I am uncooperative, argumentative, I don’t want to go out. I don’t care, I spend too much money – that I do not have, I stay up late cause I am angry, I stop eating, I drink too much, I work out too much as a punishment for not being in control.  I try to control what I can, thus I don’t eat, don’t sleep.  If I sleep the darkness comes in. I text stupid things to people late at night. I put outrageous things on Facebook. I remove any pictures of me from the net. I want to get into a car and drive till I run out of road or gas, I don’t care what comes first. I don’t shower, care how I dress, what my hair is like, or any other grooming, nails feet etc.

What do you believe?  You don’t believe that God is real, the devil is creeping around you promising you peace in a nice dark place and when you get there, its screaming and everything but peace. Everything you believe in as truth becomes muddy and you know longer trust your thoughts or what you believe in because it all becomes a blurr.

These are the things that happen when you fall. This is what happens to me.

The don’t s  : Don’t mix anti anxiety meds with wine.  It only makes the hole wider and deeper that you are going to fall in.

Stay away from Social Media, don’t twit, tweet, facebook, text, bbm, email, or put anything in writing -you will not remember and in the morning you will be beside yourself with shame.  I shut off the phone give it to my daughter and she hides it.

Don’t OD on the meds.  I was falling last week and instead of taking 1/2 a pill when I needed. I was taking whole pills and doubled up on them and added a glass of wine with no food and sent myself  for a tail spin.

Don’t shop.  Shopping only makes you broke and you get stuff  you really don’t need.  It also puts you in a dangerous place.  I once had a panic attack at a housewares store, I walked back and forth with a bowl in my hand  for 45 minutes – I really thought the staff were going to call the cops on me.

Don’t not eat.  You don’t eat cause you hate yourself, and you can control what you put in your mouth but you are hurting your body physically more than you could ever know.  You need the energy to fight the battle.

Don’t drive when you are angry.  I don’t think I have ever mentioned this in a blog,  I have done some really dangerous things in my van because I was in a wrong mind frame and I should have never been behind the wheel.

Don’t lie– I can put on a really good face when I don’t want people, even my husband to know what I am feeling and where I am.  Be honest with the significant other in your life, be it friend, spouse, therapist. Someone need to know when you are slipping — its important.

The Do’s

First off there has to be rules.  You need a enforcer to make you abide by them.

Do drink tea.  When you are having an anxious moment or panic attack a beer or wine is the worse thing you can do — calming teas are so much better they help slow you down and stay away from coffee and pop too.

Do follow the directions on your meds.  You know they are there for a reason!

Do get some sleep – watching TV and channel changing till 2 in the morning makes it hard to get up in the morning.

Do go and spend time with friends.  Isolating yourself is not what you want to do.  Being around people is what you need and not at the mall.  Trust that people care, and they want to be there to be a shoulder to lean on.. and you know what — if they are not there to be leaned on, then maybe they are not true friends.

EAT.  Not eating only makes your body physically panic and that sets off the nerves and responses,  your body is already  in crisis from the chemical imbalance in your brain.  Food can counter act it.

Pray.  When I sit with my pastor my husband and my best friend and they pray over me – I  make greater gains  fighting this illness being covered over with prayer and protection from the darkness that lurks;  than in all the therapy I have taken.

Part two of Prayer – Do it for yourself.  When I open my arms and heart and say God I am not in control but you are.  All that I am and all that I have is yours. You put the earth on its axis who am I to demand anything from you for I am a poor miserable sinner.  Please help me fight the darkness with the light that only you put into this world.   When I give my self away – I gain my self.

Help– this all looks good on paper, like most best laid plans.  The thing is when you get the flu you need   rest and to look after yourself with meds, food, lots of liquids, and someone to help. This is an illness too.  You need the same prescription. Rest, meds, good food, lots of the right liquids and someone to help you — or just hold you while you cry.  You can’t survive a major  illness like cancer, flu, any type of surgery with out help from medical personal, loved ones, friends, even strangers.  This too is a major illness you need help.

Truth:  What is truth?  There have been times when the darkness in my head has screamed that  it wants me to say the lies to make them real.  God spoke the world into existence. The word became flesh in Jesus.  I firmly believe that if I voice the darkness in my head they will be come my new truth.  I have to adopt a mantra that God is truth and I will not voice the words in my head.  When I keep that going in my head it is my weapon in my battle.

I wanted to do this blog for two reasons, one, for those who suffer, again its like the flu.  You get sick and you get stupid– you are laying there with fever and chills and you forget to drink liquids.  You forget how to treat it cause you are the one sick– your too busy being sick to treat yourself. Two, for those who don’t suffer this is what it is like and these are the things that you can do to help.  If you are a significant other make a rule book.  I have to call my husband every time I take an anxiety pill.  If I get stuck somewhere due to anxiety or panic attack – he always has his phone on him I call.  For his part he knows me so well after 23 years together – he can tell by my face where I am.   I lose the light in my eyes and my face changes and he can see it. So can my best friends they can tell too.  It s a good plan. I don’t always follow it exactly cause you know I get forgetful when I am ill, but its a plan and its there for my protection.  And truly I don’t think I would be alive today if it were not for the people around me and the plan. I’m not trying to be dramatic – it’s just truth. Nature of the beast.

till next time………………………

Short on words


“Scripture  really strikes you hard – that might be a healing point – a ministry point – a  passage the Holy Spirit is using to break a lie you are hearing and believing  – a passage that you need to commit to memory and claim for yourself each  morning until you own it and it owns you.  When attacked by the lies of the  devil remember what Luther wrote… “one little Word can fell  him”… ”

A message from a friend in regards to my last post.   – it did nothing but make me weep. My first thought how did this all get so hard! There is a relationship between the word and eternal life.  The word became flesh.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not love, I gain nothing. – 1 Corinthians 13
Tonight I have no love, I am fighting with loving myself tonight. I am having an anxiety attack.  I want to text, email, my close friends and express my breaking heart. I am tired of reaching out and feeling like a fool, in the morning. Tonight I am popping my pills and following up with a small but yummy glass of red wine and hiding in my room.
its dark out tonight and that is how i feel – tomorrow will be light maybe I can be that way tomorrow.
till next time………..

New Week Smaller Demons


Last week was so exhausting.  It was hard to keep things together.  This week is all about me.  I started to refinish my dining room table two years ago.  I ran out of steam then, and decided to leave it for a bit.  I moved it outside yesterday and I should be done it by tonight.  I made a point of not rushing anything.  I went for a run, I ate some breakfast, I bought some groceries, cooked an amazing supper.  Everything I did I did slowly and dilibertly.  I actually managed to get some sleep Sunday night so Monday was great.  Last night I had an hour sleep and I can feel the pulling down of my spirit, but I keep reciting the same mantra “I am just tired at 2 have a nap.”

I managed to make it to church on Sunday I had told friends I would not, they were happy I came.  I didn’t want to, but Sunday I felt a drawing to the church so I went.  I asked my friend to sit beside me.  It seem silly, but last Sunday I was harassed by negativity, I wanted positiveness to surround me I wanted my friend who I knew was praying for me near, my protection, my shield.  God is my shield and should be my protection, but I am still wrestling with my unbelief,  I just wanted a flesh and blood friend beside me.  In the end I was feeling better somewhat at the end of the service and went home in a better place than before.  I guess that is the main thing.

I was told when I am in this down place I should not examine my faith.  This depression is such an ever-changing thing.  I have learned that it’s not a sadness, it is so far from just that I don’t see it connected to depression at all anymore.  I still feel my spirit being pulled down, but it’s so much more than that.  It is attacks.  When my spirit starts to be pulled down, I feel myself withdrawing from people.  I become afraid of them.  That is how it always begins.  Then the negativity starts.  The attacks of voices, your no good, etc, etc. then the questioning, I hear the songs, I hear the bible verses, the sermons I become confused and can not sort out right from wrong.  I can’t sort out truth from lies.  This causes me to become afraid and in cases like last week I have a bad anxiety attack.  It sucks your energy. You think and rethink everything.  You can’t remember things, I can’t talk.  I forget words and studer which only adds to the feeling of insanity, which adds the fact you are not yourself, you forget who that person was, and you belittle yourself more because you are not the person you thought you knew and around and around it goes. If is was only a case of sadness I could deal with just that.  It is a whirl wind like a dust storm. Thick of partials not knowing what  one speck is from another and  where or it should be.

So for today – cause I can’t think of tomorrow.  I will finish my dining room table.  I will make a good supper. I will try to have a nap and continue to ask God to forgive my unbelief.

till next time……..

 

Post # 40 “just saying”


Shaky shake.  I have been riding a good wave. Feeling good haven’t really exercised I have put on a couple of pounds all my troubles are far behind.  Then yesterday happened.  I went for apt # three with my therapist.  I felt like I was slipping early in the day.  I felt like I wanted to cry but could not.  I got to my apt and we sat – I sat on the couch again- she beat me to the chair.  Darn! We talked for a bit.  I had printed an email I had sent to my pastor describing what I go through when I start to slip, and the depression hits.  I wanted him to understand my progresson and understand how I fight and how hard it is, I also figured as a pastor it would give him insight into the secret world of the mind during depression.  I had homework to do from when I left last time; to gage my sadness and there wasn’t much to say cause I felt good last week.  However she asked me to read the letter.  I did, then I started to shake, I started to cry and freak out. I don’t know if it was a panic attack or anxiety or what it was.  I do know I lost my composure, had to look into those puppy dog eyes and try to pull it together. I didn’t happen.  We talk some more I get my next assignment and sent on my way.  I don’t go back for two weeks.

So what do I think of this?  I don’t know what to think.  Part of me feels like a failure, I know that is the dark voices talking.  Part of me says I am doing all the right things just hang in there.  Part of me feels embarrassed and less than who I used to be.  I haven’t eaten in two days.  I cook but to look at food makes my stomach turn, I go for a walk. I forced  myself to eat an egg tonight.  Tomorrow – who knows.

The sadness creeps in, the loneliness just sweeps my heart away.  I don’t want to feel this way.  The darkness is closer this time it hasn’t been for a while but it is tonight.  I feel empty.  When I feel like this I think of my friend’s son who killed himself a year ago now.  How empty he must have felt that night.  How lonely was his heart. How sad his soul.  I can feel the path he traveled to get to his end.  I also know that Jesus was there to hold him and save him.

I have hid myself in my room tonight. Reading, some yoga which stretched some muscles but gave me no peace.  So I write this blog and pour out my pain.  Today I shake badly, I haven’t shook that much in a while and it was never-ending.  I could feel it come from the centre of my being.  I was very anxious and a little snappy at people.  People that came to my desk I was ok with on the phone was a different thing.  I email my husband who is on the road.  I text my best friend who is a very busy person and doesn’t need to be bothered at work I don’t want to be a burden but I just want to have someone care.  I feel like no one cares- that is the lie that the devil wants me to buy.  I resist but its hard.  I know the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people in my life.  This weekend I am going away with my best friend from school.  It will be wonderful I have not told her about my depression, so as we do a wine tour in Niagara and sit up all night in our hotel room talking and talking I will confess my downfalls.  But all in all God has been good to me.  Even if my heart cry out in pain and opposes what my soul tells it. My mind hides in the darkness with its hands over its ears so it can’t hear and hands over its eyes so it can’t see while the heart and soul fight for victory over the body.

So where is my God in this.  Where he always is.  At my right hand at the ready when called upon to help me.  So I Praise the Lord for he is Love and Good.  I denounce the devil and all his ways in the name of Jesus Christ the son of God. And I ask that my shepherd keep me in his pen so I can be safe from the wickedness that taunts me and ask that Jesus keeps calling my name so this sheep can hear him and follow.  Amen

r

October – believe that fall is here.


It’s the first week in October.  Its cold, I wore a leather coat today.  It is inevitable that winter is coming.  I was born in Canada this isn’t a new thing to me – fall/winter.  But I don’t like being cold, but I am a farm girl, a Canadian girl, grew up in the snow belt, so no more whining about cold – I will suck it up- buy a sweater.

What is new in the life of depression.  Well, two weeks or so on the new drugs and some of the side effects have disappeared.  When I first took them half way through the morning I felt numb, my brain was in a fog.  That seems much better this week.  The shakes, well even they seem a little better.  The anxiety, well still working on that one.  We were to a friend’s place for dinner Sunday night I was doing good for the first half of the night and started to feel my heart pounding and jittery, so I took an anxiety pill and survived over dinner but when we got to desert I was starting to slip.  My husband noticed and told me the little things he does to lift me up.  I was getting tired and I had enough of being with people.  There were 8 of us and I was done.  But we soon left after that.  I went home took my anti-depressant pill in bed by 10:30 awake by 3 am but did manage to get back to sleep this time for an hour or two.  I went to work feeling clearer, a good sign.  I went shopping after work for new dress pants.  I wore some on Sunday that were horribly large on me.  I love those pants but I must have some alterations on them they are a size 4 I bought a nice dress pant size 2 today.  Since my dr. apt a few weeks ago I have lost a little more weight.  I am eating a little more some days.

I have been beating myself up over my weight loss and the lack of appetite and seeing it as a huge sin and on Sunday God and I separated it.  I saw this huge wall that I couldn’t get around.  I was hurting my body and saw that as a sin and yet the darkness I was holding on to.  Sunday God and I separated it.  It is not a wall between me and my father.  It is a condition, caused by first the medication.  I am not hungry, the meds suppress appetite, not my fault.  I eat and I don’t feel well afterwards, to the point of feeling like I could throw up ( I have never done that).  So fear of being ill and the pain of eating keeps me from eating much.  As for God it is the darkness that wants me to believe that it is a wall between me and God. God showed me this weekend that he is separate from that.  My lack of eating and loss of weight that I saw as a sin and keeping me from Gods love, forgiveness, joy.  As I looked at the cross at the front of the church and looked at how smooth and even pretty it was, unthreatening.  I thought about what the cross that Jesus hung on looked like.  Two pieces of  rough wood, large spikes through his hands and feet and how he separated himself from God, the pain the agony the death.  Why? so I could come closer to God, so God and I could have a relationship.  Jesus’ death bridged the distance between me and God over my sin, Jesus took all our sin on him and rose again to be with God so we could be forgiven.  He defeated death and darkness.  But as I have said many times, darkness and depression want you to believe that God does not matter he does not love me and I should not love myself.  That no one cares.  But God loves me dearly and there is no wall between us it was the darkness creating a lie that I could not be loved by God because if my eating issues ( I can’t call them a disorder – yet).  The wall disappeared and the eating issues seem smaller now.

The thought of someone going through depression with no contacts, support groups, no prayers for them, no God.  That darkness is black.  I scares me that someone could be so lost, and yet be in a crowd.  God can conquer all he has done it with me.  Last post I asked God to cover me with his wing so I could hide and prepare for the next day and he covered me came to my heart healed some of the brokeness showed me the light through the window to go another day, another few hours till the next anxiety attack. And he lifted me up so I could love Him and me. Through his word in the bible, through the words spoken on Sunday in the sermon, in the songs I was teaching the Sunday school class, and in the most kindest words from my best friend, God made sure I knew that I was loved and forgiven.

So does that mean I am cured was it a weekend of miraculous healing.  No it was not.  I had the shakes for a bit today, my heart was pounding this afternoon and I felt anxious, it was not an attack but I calmed my spirit and rode the wave.  I nibbled tonight for supper, not a whole lot but I put a little something in me. I feel broken still, not as much as yesterday and maybe less tomorrow.  I am not cured, but in this journey God is showing me his power and I will be cured in due time – God’s time.  In the mean time I write here, pray for those who read these blogs and hope that no one will ever go through depression without talking to God and having him save their heart and soul.

God Bless you and May he show you the way out of the darkness and into the light – where there is peace beyond all understanding and joy and love you can only get through the Father Son and Holy Spirit.  Invite them into your heart and soul, for a brighter and better tomorrow.   Amen

Doctor Apt.


Doctor’s appointment today and right after a busy weekend.

First off the weekend.  I felt like a normal person.  Almost me!.  It was a very busy weekend.  Saturday I spent most of the day at a Women’s conference which was wonderful.  I spoke for apx. 40 minutes on Fellowship.  It was a well written piece of work and I enjoyed giving it and I enjoyed speaking God‘s word.  It was a joy to do and I felt like a instrument of God’s plan.  I felt so blessed by the whole event.  I felt God had given me the words it all fell into place quickly and in the end when I was praying the last prayer it was a situation where I opened my mouth and God just had the words fall out.   It was one of those rare times in life where you don’t mind being used. At least used by God. But there is an even better part to all of Saturday, I did it without any anxiety meds. I did it on my own.  That makes the whole event even that more special to me.  Praise the Lord.

Sunday I was feeling still pretty up.  The youth band I play in was playing at an out door service and it went over well.  Everyone was happy with the music it was good.  I started to shake about half way through the service, I was starting to get that I have to run away feeling.  It could have had to do with the fact that there was a bbq happening after the service and I didn’t want to eat. I spent the time packing up equipment which I needed to do but I was trying to avoid the food table.  It wasn’t a “I’ll get fat thing” this is nothing to do with that.  Its like being afraid of heights and you have to walk over a high rope bridge to get to work everyday, and your scared to death to do it.  The thought of eating just makes me feel ill.  I really have to force myself to put food in my mouth.  Seeing this in writing just makes me feel so ashamed.  I was not feeling well to begin with Sunday, I taught my children to share.  Except that they shared their cold with me.  What ever the reason, I was popping my anxiety meds, and they helped.  We came home, my husband and I exhausted.  We hit the hot tub had a large cold beer and went to bed.   I woke up at 1am and proceeded to toss and turn the rest of the night.  But I got up this morning feeling ok so its good. Just suffering with a cold and tired.

The Doctor’s appointment.

I had a long talk with her about all the things I have been feeling; the change in no more panic attacks, just anxiety, the lack of food  the amount of weight I have lost – I weigh less than my 15-year-old daughter – and most of my cloths don’t fit, and the ones I bought in late August to go back to work in are too big for me and I haven’t worn them yet.  My Doctor doesn’t want me to lose anymore weight.  Wants me to buy ensure to keep me healthy.  Something I didn’t know about the antidepressants I am on they surpress your appitite.  So when I am around food the reaction I am having has alot to do with the meds and also the depression.  My doctor explained its a fine line in balancing meds, food, and depression.  So the answer to the sadness that seems to come on out of nowhere.  More meds.  I am now on two anti depressants and one anti anxiety meds.  The side effects!!  well guess what?  the second one also is a appitite surpressant and my doctor wants me to be even more vigilant in my eating.  Its hard now – what next.  The good news (there is actually some – just a little) The additional meds should help me shake less.  We’ll see about that.

In conclusion I am not sure about the additional meds but I am trusting the doctor and if I get worse I am going off everything.  If it helps then Great I just want to be me, I was so close to being me on the weekend, I hurt for it.

Im trying to be optomistic but I don’t want to eat- here is some honesty for you- I know this is a sin but its a darkness that I am hiding in and I don’t want to come out.  That is the truth, that is what I was praying about when I was kneeling at the communion rail on Sunday asking God to forgive the darkness that I don’t want to come out of, and I don’t know why I don’t want to leave. I have so many thoughts swirling around me in regards to this and I can’t understand any of it.  Is it the meds, is it the darkness is it the depression????I don’t know. Its just such a barrier I can’t see around it. I don’t to tear it down.

My husband if he was reading this and I won’t let him read the blogs, he would say what is truth?? The truth is God loves me I preached it all weekend how can I not trust him.  But I do trust him, I do love him, I know he is right, I know the doctor is right, I know all these things.  I know How Great is my God. I have a special relationship with God, he is my all and all.  I guess that is what I have to pray before I eat.  God you are my all and all, you give me it all and help me to be a good steward of the talents you give me.  I want to be fruitful and partake of the fruits of the spirit.  Lord lead me each day in this journey Amen.

Second week of September


Made it through the first week of school and all students ended up in the classes, teachers in right rooms.  I survived too. Friday night the blues hit me however, I got home late from work and it hit me like a cold suddenly comes on.  I can’t say it was a panic attack I haven’t had one of those in a while but I didn’t fall into a deep hole of depression, I just suddenly felt very very sad.  I could have shut myself off and hid in my bed room for the weekend. I guess it was more anxiety like.

My husband who is wonderful but is sometimes overly sensitive to my moods detected it right off.  I didn’t want to be around people, but there was a band that we loved, playing at a restaurant and he insisted we go.  The band plays the blues-you may be thinking really! Last thing you need when you feel blue, but it really picked me up.  We sat on a patio listening to the band watching a full moon rise sipping on a glass of wine. It was nice and I think it was what I needed.

Saturday, was a Jazz festival in town and we went for the afternoon to listen to different bands and ran into lots of people we knew, it was fun but after 4 hours I was done with people and needed to go home.  We bbq’d and had a nice dinner with our kids.  Had a camp fire and off to bed.

Sunday Rally day at church.  I Couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t be with all those people I was still feeling blue nothing like Friday but I couldn’t spend a couple of hours smiling.  I talked my husband into letting me stay home.  It was relieving.  I felt guilty but I just wanted sometime alone.  As for the rest of the day, there was more Jazz Festival events that my husband wanted to attend but I still couldn’t do it so we settled for sitting in our sunny yard doing a few chores and having a little ride on the motorcycle in the evening.  By Monday I was feeling better.

In the end it was a good thing, I am speaking at a Women’s Conference this Sat at my church so I needed to write my script which I did and God was gracious and flowed through me what he wanted me to say in it. I am excited to speak.  Its something I wanted to do and I am humbled and pleased to have the opportunity.  The writing and the opportunity makes me feel normal.  The only thing I am worried about is my shaky hands.  But I have a stand so if they get bad I will just hold on and plunge forward.

The rest of this week started good. Monday and Tuesday.  Wednesday and Thursday I have had this creeping sadness again.  I am not sure what it’s all about.

What I do know.  I am not in a hole, I have not had any panic attacks lately.  I have not felt darkness surrounding me.  I have been able to shop by myself and not panic or get stuck in the store.  I have felt anxiety lately.  I have felt anxious at work a couple of  times.  Its different from panic.  When I am anxious my heart races and I shake ( like that ever really stops, but the more I shake the more anxious I am) The shaking is becoming an indicator like the rector scale.  I have taken almost all my anxiety meds.  I see the Doctor on monday so I hope to get more.  Actually I hope to get something different that helps me come up when I fall down. This is my last time.  I know these things take time to get the right combo, but if it doesn`t work this round I am going off it all. Maybe that makes no sence.  But I just want me to be me again.  I hate being this scared little girl who gets paranoid about so many things, and demands reassurance after reassurance that she is doing ok.  Cause I don`t feel ok.  Its been so long since I have felt my confident self that I doubt every thing.  Maybe this is just the anxiety talking.  Maybe I do need to seek the counseling.  I have the numbers I just don`t want to call,  cause it is admission that I can`t handle this on my own and its an admission that I am incapable.  So I sit and stare at them.  Ya I know that will help!!! sarcasm!

How am I going get up infront of 40 some women and speak on Sat.  Well believe it or not that will be easy. The words I got for the presentation were directly from God.   I sat down Sunday morning and asked God to lead me the topic is fellowship and the ideas just fell together and I wrote over 3500 words in 2 hours.  I can do this confidently cause its not me, its God`s. I am talking about all of the wonderful things he has done in my life.  God gave me the words, he will give me the confidence.

As for the rest of my life I need to rely on the same source of strength.  But again that is what depression does it strips away our confidence, our drive. makes us paranoid, unsure.  That is what resisting of the devil that is hardest, cause its my mind he is playing in.  Its my thoughts that he is warping, and sometimes you can`t tell the difference between my thoughts and the warped thoughts the devil is putting in me.  I  am luck to have a husband that keeps asking me `what is truth`If I can find my thoughts as truth in the bible then I am ok.  I have to remember the fruits of the spirit, cause they are the basis of truth.  Love Goodness faithfulness Gentleness and Self-control.  These are the truths.  If I can`t relate the thoughts going through my head to these truths then the thoughts are not of God but evil.  That sounds like I have no control over my mind.  None of us do really.  The thoughts of our mind are formed by our sinful emotional self.  If we want to have thoughts that conform to God we need to look to God conform to his thoughts and look to him for direction. When our thoughts go against the fruits of the spirit then we have allowed the devil and his ways to suggest that we pull away from Godly thoughts.

This sounds like spooky hocus pocus. But let me ask you this.  How many TV shows are based on evil people doing evil things? Do you believe in evil?  ( If not watch the news)  Do you believe in darkness?  Science tells us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Would it not be from a scientific point of view that if there is darkness there is light.  If there is evil isn`t there good.  If there is a devil isn`t there a God would all those thoughts be so far-fetched ?  I don’t think so.  What do I think- well if you read any of these blogs you know.

I lift my eyes to the hills where does my help come  It comes from the Lord the maker of Heaven and earth.

God is the maker of heaven and earth, his son is the Way the Truth and the Life.

Gods blessings till next time– after the doctor!

August first half


First half of August and how am I doing?  I seem to have problems with the beginning of the month.  I was doing good through the end of July, I was feeling like me I was doing ok, no panic attacks, anxiety.  August started all good then too, then the panic and anxiety started to creep in.  I didn’t have an attack put I did have to calm myself shopping the other day but I did it.  Sunday morning I awoke with that old feeling again.  I didn’t want people to look at me, I changed my Facebook picture to a picture of a guitar.  I prayed most of the service, but I was sad and I could not shake it.  Sunday night was bad but I got some sleep and up Monday and went away with my husband for a few days.  They were good we were busy and that keeps me distracted which helped.  One night I was in a hole, Tuesday.  I could care less about everything.  My husband was asleep we had spent the day sailing so he was exhausted.  I not being able to sleep sat up till midnight watching the campfire I made and feeling sad.  Arguing with God.  God can change the heart of Paul in the new testament why can’t he change those here now?  I have a couple of thorns which I will not go into but one of the thorns involves my extended family, to put it in a nutshell,  we are dysfunctional We were not always that way.  I want my family back.  The only way to do this is for God to put it back together.  It will happen in God’s time but I have been waiting for a long time now – why can’t i have satisfaction? Why can’t I have it back?  if he is the God of power what is wrong with him?  I have been shaking again. This is usually a sign that I am heading down a rough path.  I managed to make it through the rest of the week and then Saturday came, I was almost back to square one, I was on the verge of a complete breakdown.  It was my husband who talked me out of it and helped me avoid it but I was still in a hole and shaking and the negativity of the voices were loud and strong.  I took my emergency pills.  I took more this weekend than any time up to this point. They did help, some.  I was ready to hide, I was making plans to run and hide at my friends cottage, I was planning excuses to hide at home not go to church, not go out into the world.  Again this is what depression does it isolates you and makes you pull away from all that is important to you.  Church, family, sports, running, cooking, reading, life.

But to my question.  If I believe that God is all-powerful and can change hearts why can’t he change the one of my thorns hearts? But that is the wrong question, depression and the lies that go with it want me to ask those types of questions, it wants me to deny God and is taking all things that have bothered me, all my skeletons, all my hurts, all my thorns and the lies want to surround them and blur them. and break me down one situation by situation.  As the lie does that, it pulls you down that deep hole.  It wants you to deny your intelligence, worth, and life itself.  The answer to my question, God’s timing is; God’s timing and in a world were we want all things instantly sometimes the answer to our questions is wait. You have to talk to yourself or have someone help you talk your way against the lies and to the truth. You have to keep asking yourself what is truth, what is truth, and concentrate on that.

I have good friends, actually make that I have great friends they came, and they sat and they talked to me and they supported me Sunday night.  My husband talked me away from my breakdown, and God pulled in close and waited for me to notice.  In the end Monday morning I got up read my bible and wondered where the peace was, the turmoil of the weekend was still swirling, but the voices had dissipated, what change?  My friends prayed for me they prayed specifically for my heart and against evil and then it was up to me. I gave it to God, no more me trying to fix things, no more me in control.   I can’t handle it, I can’t do it, I can’t solve it, I gave it to God and the sobs started.  It’s not something I am known to do since I have been on the meds but, I sobbed from the depth of my soul.  I got up dried my tears put my running shoes on and ran 10 km of head clearing running.  I put myself back together by praising the Lord and giving him myself unconditionally.  I came home I had a swim and it was like a baptism, the peace started to flow.   Voices defeated, sadness defeated, breakdown defeated, for today.

What will happen in the next coming weeks??????I don’t know, I do know that I have a support group and I have God to help me through. Praise be to God.  If you are in this situation find your friends, find a support group, find a way to talk yourself out of the negative and into the light.

till next time im praying for you