The truth of pain.


Lord do not forsake me, for only by your hand is there clarity. For my mind is a jumble of mixed up thoughts. A pile of mixed up words. Darkness of confusion. As I sit in church and look at your cross I want to see the clarity your word. If God is reaching for man and man is suffering in a pain that the painkillers won’t heal and the doctors do not know how to cure, that the wine does not numb, how do you look at God and see his love. Do I not believe in it? My head says yes I believe in his Love but the pain of suffering can not help but make you think that you are being punished. Forgive my unforgiveness and unbelief, for the pain of the confused mind overshadows truth and love and creates a sink hole of darkness. As I take the body and the blood and kneel at the table of God, my mind is a swirl of light, dark, You want to trust but you feel punished, yet you ask for forgiveness. I do not ask for God to take this pain anymore, I have asked and it is still here. I don’t ask cause I fear disappointment. I know in my head that God’s timing is not mine, but God what ever I am to learn from this, how thick am I that I have not learned it, so this pain can be taken from me. A swirl of thoughts as I kneel at God’s table ….I eat, I drink, I ask for forgiveness, repent, yet when I leave, I do not go in peace. Its no where to be found, and that is the pain. A tight heart of hurt, a grip that never loosens, Drugs that numb you and a mind that thoughts are blank.

till next time……

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Reality


What is reality?  What is time.  A day goes by and a night passes how does that affect the mind, how does that affect life.  I step a step down tonight. The darkness and confusion have set their chairs at my table.  They want to engage in a friendly game.  Like an addict  I am sitting on the fence— wanting to avoid the temptation and wanting to hide away in a small place.  I want to be in a place of peace.  I am tired of the shadow following me. In a place like this  I want to hide, last time I felt this way I wanted to hide in the dark it called me gave me promises and wanted me to come into its peace.   It was not peaceful.  I know better, I know what is peaceful. Darkness’ promises will not do it.  I feel foolishly stronge in this knowledge.  But the darkness and his friend confusion will not give up.  They will decide what other way can we get her???? How you may ask…… a suggestion of time, what is time how is it reliant to what is happening.  Is this an episode yes, mental illness (that phrase is still hard to look at)  My illness has a way of sometimes taking me off track, taking me into a realm that is beyond the norm.  It draws me in and repels me takes me from normal to crazy – – so where do i sit tonight??? on the fence kicking my feet not knowing what do to next no knowing where to go……………

till next time

Tears like Rain


September and I put on track pants today!  I like track pants, comfortable, warm, casual, you can hang out and relax.  I need to relax, I am coming off a high stressful week – start up at school and it went well but it has been a hellish weekend.  I made it through the week but I didn’t survive the time off.  We had some drama in the house and between dealing with that and trying to get regular weekend stuff done I am frazzled.  I wanted some peace, just a little peace.  Everyone in this house tonight is tired from lack of sleep and grumpy.  I keep moving to other sections of the house in hope of getting away from people – they follow like my cat!!   Its been a difficult time, I had to give a presentation at church this morning about a group I belong with and the charity work we are doing.  As I presented what I wanted to say about why I wanted to be apart of this group, I became choked up and had to stop twice in order to get myself together to proceed.  I am very passionate about it and I took a breath and it caught in my voice and I am beside myself with embarrassment and shock that this happened.  I have said in other posts that I do not cry or hardly ever now, the meds seem to have sucked up those tear ducks dry.  This weekend I can’t stop. I started Friday night, before all drama between a teenage girl and her father, and here is it Sunday night and I am still crying.  I don’t know what has come over me.  Deep in my heart I feel such brokeness and I don’t know why.  I can’t seem to get passed it.

I know a good cry, like a good sneeze, is a good thing, and I have always loved a good sneeze but this feels strange and I am not sure why.  Maybe I analyze too much, I know I put too much pressure on myself.  I know that I have left myself in a open and in a vulnerable state a lot lately.  I have felt over the past months that my broken heart is on display. There are no secrets and I feel exposed.  Thinking about the word exposed brings up so many feelings, emotions, I am not sure how to sort them.  This feeling brings the tears again. I feel drained, I want to sleep for a week but am unable to.  That same old confusion comes knocking at the door, the darkness; that has been sitting in its chair for the past few weeks, has moved its chair closer, it just sits looking at this exposed heart and the tears that will not stop running.  The confusion greets the darkness and sit there like old friends in over stuffed chairs of a coffee house enjoying a latte and saying nothing — watching and nodding at each other like they know what they are each thinking.  As they sit in the darkness of a coffee house, I am clinging to the stool of a pato trying to sip a cool drink and soak up the light of the world.  Praying in my mind but the darkness and confusion smile at each other sarcasticly like “Ya that aint going to help”  So I Picture Jesus sitting on a rock with small children surrounding him.  You know the picture, looking so kind and in a beautiful white robe and smiling at the innocence of these little ones.  I picture myself crawling up upon his lap, and being a small child, laying my head on his chest and feeling his strong arms around me as a father would a child.  As a brother would one of his family, as a friend would his best friend.  Let the battle begin –again

I am trying to hold this image. —— till next time

In the night


In the quiet of the dawn, it is when my soul relents.

It was the noise of the darkness that made it spent.

The dark things come out to play and dance,

it puts my heart into a  pant.

I do not want the darkness so close

but I can hide there closed in it most.

But there is no peace in the dark hidden places,

It is in the light that peace can be faced.

This tug of war between what I know and what I believe,

it is my good sence that takes its leave

To leave me to fight,

when I want to flight.

So in the quiet of the dawn before the birds morning song

I sit in a heap spent from the things that have gone on.

I neither look to God or to myself,

for I do not know my right from my left.

Sitting on a ledge


I spent this weekend stickless, I wasn’t holding on to a twig, but I wasn’t sliding down the mountain. I have a tiny foot hold on a small ledge. I was out with co-workers and friends friday night and it was nice to be out and seeing people.  Saturday night I had our best friends over for a causal dinner and it was a wonderful time too.  These people are so special to me, and we were doing some summer planning which lifted my mood, thinking of summer is always a lift. 

Sunday I didn’t go to church.  It was something I decided the middle of the previous week.  Maybe that was wrong, maybe it would be better to be in the shadow of the cross at the front of our church, I needed sometime.  I sent my family, my husband was upset but I needed some quiet time.  My husband was convinced I was sliding down the mountain but in reality I was on my ledge getting a grip so to speak.  There is turmoil and no peace from being in church.  Wednesday’s lent service I was being hit hard by negative spirits that were poking at me and I was sliding down the mountain and they were kicking me when I was down. There was too much going on I could not get myself together.  I needed to have some time to sort out the negative voices and the whispers of God.  I needed to find some peace, I needed some space.  So even though my husband didn’t want me to I stayed home I sat quietly for a few hours with a cup or two of coffee and prayed, thought, and tried to come to a peace about it. I think I came to a working place that I can continue forward. 

One of my thoughts again come to illness.  The realization of the illness I have, not that that is new news to me, but sometimes it is surreal to me.  The flipping of emotions and moods is exhausting and the fighting to keep saine is something that I have a tough time day after day.  I was reading an article about a lady that endured pain every day and how she handled it and gave it to God everyday and how she dealt with it.  I don’t belittle this womans brave fight.  I can understand how it could bring her down and the emotional rollercoaster she is on.  But if my hand or my leg hurt I could isolate the hand or leg.  When its your mind there is no distance between how you think and the pain that you feel.  Then there is also the physical pain that goes with the depression.  It’s a hard thing anyway you look at it.

So this week I am trying very hard to trust God in this journey, I am trying very hard to be patient cause he asked me to.  I am trying very hard to ignore the negative voices and let God deal with them.  And I am trying very hard to listen to God and find peace.  Till next time from my little ledge.

Poetry from August


Peace comes from Love deep within.

It is hidden by God in a special place.

We try to find this place so dear.

We search outside, we search very near.

But God’s peace does not come from only prayer.

It does not come from only devotion.

It does not come from only the word of God.

It comes when you pass the ugliness of sin, the stains of pride,

the desperation of holding on.

The peace comes when you fall down and sob.

When you give it all.

When you bend your knees,

When you scrape the dirt and grime off of your ways.

When you repent, and give it all  away.

When there is nothing left.

When there is nothing held.

When the tears have stopped.

When the pain is expressed.

The peace comes warmly in, and Gods love begins anew, again.