Monday


Its Monday and its cold.  I had to take in all my indoor plants in from outside before the cold killed them.  That means that I will be making plans to put my Kayak away, and have to pack up the outdoor stuff before the snow comes.  I realize its just the beginning of Fall but I am never ready for it and to be honest it makes me sad.   I love summer.

I had a very very busy weekend.  Did a lot of work with my church and we managed to raise almost $10,000. for a local charity in my city.  But I am still tired, happy it all went well, but tired.

I have been fighting the tears today.  I keep telling myself don’t give in just keep your head up and tell yourself your tired and don’t give into finding a place to hide and not come out.  The darkness has moved away from my table, sitting in the shadows of the room.  Confusion has become disinterested in my for now, its negitivity that wants to follow me around. Another day of fighting another day of feeling not positive, another day of dragging my butt.

I can not think about the fight.  I can not think about how far or how long this has gone on.  I can’t think about the walls that I feel stopping me from being able to handle tasks.  I have been trying to focus myself on just today.  Today I will eat lunch and I did. Today I will pick up milk and cream cause we are out and today I will get something for supper.  Today I will clean up the kitchen, today I will clean the bathrooms and I will take sometime to relax cause I need to refocus and put myself in a place to handle tomorrow. I can not think about later this week.  To think ahead or about too much is like a trucker trying to load and drive all its goods in one trip instead of the three or four trips it will take to complete the job safely and correctly.  My mind can not handle too much planning it overwhelms and I become paralized.

So this fall I have quit everything.  I can only handle trying to get some exercise a few days a week and one committee that only meets once everymonth.  I have been at the mercy of my wreckless mind.  I am going to try to trick it back.  If I reduce the amount of things it has to think about maybe I can get what needs to be done and move onto the next.  A list of the important stuff to remind me what is what and slowly check it off.  I am not sure what will happen if I fall into a depressed state.  I am not sure what will happen when I drop in a hole — today I must just think about today– and the tear fight for today.

till next time

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Arms


This depression pulls at me.

I sink down, I suck in.

I hold everything till my arms ach.

I hold the pain, the shame.

I hold my pride, close to my sides.

I try to keep it tight, the weight I can not fight.

I have no strength to hold these things.

I have no arms to keep it.

I progress when I let it go,

but my arms are cramped, they do not move.

Lord release my grip.

Release my sorrow,

Come close to my heart, so to go on with tomorrow.

Poetry from August


Peace comes from Love deep within.

It is hidden by God in a special place.

We try to find this place so dear.

We search outside, we search very near.

But God’s peace does not come from only prayer.

It does not come from only devotion.

It does not come from only the word of God.

It comes when you pass the ugliness of sin, the stains of pride,

the desperation of holding on.

The peace comes when you fall down and sob.

When you give it all.

When you bend your knees,

When you scrape the dirt and grime off of your ways.

When you repent, and give it all  away.

When there is nothing left.

When there is nothing held.

When the tears have stopped.

When the pain is expressed.

The peace comes warmly in, and Gods love begins anew, again.