Monday


Its Monday and its cold.  I had to take in all my indoor plants in from outside before the cold killed them.  That means that I will be making plans to put my Kayak away, and have to pack up the outdoor stuff before the snow comes.  I realize its just the beginning of Fall but I am never ready for it and to be honest it makes me sad.   I love summer.

I had a very very busy weekend.  Did a lot of work with my church and we managed to raise almost $10,000. for a local charity in my city.  But I am still tired, happy it all went well, but tired.

I have been fighting the tears today.  I keep telling myself don’t give in just keep your head up and tell yourself your tired and don’t give into finding a place to hide and not come out.  The darkness has moved away from my table, sitting in the shadows of the room.  Confusion has become disinterested in my for now, its negitivity that wants to follow me around. Another day of fighting another day of feeling not positive, another day of dragging my butt.

I can not think about the fight.  I can not think about how far or how long this has gone on.  I can’t think about the walls that I feel stopping me from being able to handle tasks.  I have been trying to focus myself on just today.  Today I will eat lunch and I did. Today I will pick up milk and cream cause we are out and today I will get something for supper.  Today I will clean up the kitchen, today I will clean the bathrooms and I will take sometime to relax cause I need to refocus and put myself in a place to handle tomorrow. I can not think about later this week.  To think ahead or about too much is like a trucker trying to load and drive all its goods in one trip instead of the three or four trips it will take to complete the job safely and correctly.  My mind can not handle too much planning it overwhelms and I become paralized.

So this fall I have quit everything.  I can only handle trying to get some exercise a few days a week and one committee that only meets once everymonth.  I have been at the mercy of my wreckless mind.  I am going to try to trick it back.  If I reduce the amount of things it has to think about maybe I can get what needs to be done and move onto the next.  A list of the important stuff to remind me what is what and slowly check it off.  I am not sure what will happen if I fall into a depressed state.  I am not sure what will happen when I drop in a hole — today I must just think about today– and the tear fight for today.

till next time

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Plastering a Cracking wall, trying to hold it together


Another weekend gone.  I have no idea where the time goes.  Whew, they keep flying by I have two months of work left and then I am done for the summer.   A busy weekend.  I managed to go out with some friends on the weekend and enjoy some social time.  It was nice.  I really wanted to hibernate at home, but sometimes you just have to get out there and be among people.  In the end it was good for me, like exercise you don’t want to, but it is good for you.  I am off my hormone drug for the next three weeks.  I have been on them for about 9 weeks now and the only thing it did for me was increase the size of my butt.  So now I have gone from 10 lbs underweight to 20 over weight, dam there is no happy medium in this thing.

I know I have said this before, and maybe this is the OCD in me talking but I am a go getter I do a lot for, and with my kids and husband and I can’t seem to get my act together.  An example, my husband says a week ago ” you know we should change the bed sheets.”  “Ok I will do that tonight.”  He says “fine” he is working late that night no worries, I can do this nothing else going on that night.  I make lunches, supper, clean up, and some how the rest of the evening passes I totally forget.  Two days go by “oh dear, honey I forgot the sheets Ill to it when I finish making lunches” .  He is cleaning up supper and doing dishes.  Two more days go by, I’m heading to bed, Sh** still forgot to do the sheets, already in bed – not getting up now. Tomorrow.  Saturday I get up have coffee doing them right now, hubby and I take off sheets he takes them to the laundry tosses them in.  I get another set of sheets.  Start to make bed. Go down stairs part way through to do get something,  get distracted.  This happens all day Sat, I finally get it made when I headed to bed that night.  Sounds like real life right, however I left 1/2 done jobs all over the house that day cause I couldn’t follow through on what I was doing. 

 I would head up stairs to get something I needed to finish something down stairs realize bed not made, start on it and try to get it done.  Then after a few minutes realize Oh I was getting this thing for down stairs grab it go down stairs, stop in kitchen for a drink of water forget where I am going clean off the counter.  Remember to go down stairs, go there remember what I am doing, forgot the thing I needed up stairs.  Go back to bedroom, crap not here, stuff a pillow in case, Oh ya in kitchen go to kitchen find it Oh ya doing stuff down stairs.  Ugggg.  That is how the day was.  I’m thinking this is nuts what the heck is wrong with my brain that I can’t follow through.  Then I get mad and then I get depressed cause my head is wack.  Vicious circle.

When my kids were babies, they would nap for an hour or two during the day.  I could move mountains in that time.  I was always proud of the things I could do in an hour.  Now my mind is mud. Thank God for the calendar on my blackberry cause I would forget everything.  All my work stuff, all my family stuff, everything is in there if I lost it,  I think I would jump off a bridge.  (not really– but it would be close) 

So here I sit on a Monday morning wondering.  Wondering about so many things where do I start. 

Is this what getting older is about! I still have at least 20 years working years I’m not that old!

Is this apart of depression a robbing of your capabilities?

Is this what happens to your mind with this illness, is it normal?

Is this the drugs?

Is my mind ever going to go back to what it once was?

Is this God’s punishment?

Is this allowed to happen to me from God to teach me humility?  Because this has been a drastic lesson but I learned it!

Is this happening to me because of my pride and lack of tenderness towards others?

Is this me just whining and I should be thankful and shut up and get on with it?

Is the depth of my heart-break and suffering ever going to end or be fixed?

This is a life changing illness, like any illness, but will I ever be able to trust my mind.  Does the cancer victim ever trust its body again?

On the flip side.  My relationship with and my trust in God, my relationship with my husband and kids, my relationship  my best friends have reached to a much deeper level than I could every imagine. So good does come out of bad

But here is a question:  If God had given me the chance to refuse this illness two years ago when this all started, knowing what I know now, would I have?………………………………………..till next time

Sitting on the ledge swinging my feet


March break is over and its Monday uck! Oh to be retired, I am nowhere near that age, I have lots of years of work yet, but I imagine what it would be like, Hmmmmmmm, nice.  It’s hard to come back to work when the weather is so warm and sunny.  It’s freaky that the weather is so hot when it is still winter.  I went to work with a sweater instead of a winter coat which would be normal.  I have been feeling ok the past week or so a moment of pulling back  moment of sadness, but it doesn’t last long and I am glad for that.  I am still having concentration issues.  I am not the multi tasker I used to be but that is a side effect of depression and its medication so it will one day disapate – I hope.  So I guess I am still sitting on my ledge,  with my feet over the side swinging in the breeze and I am listening to the birds of spring and seeing the flowers of rebirth all around me.  I went to church this Sunday and it was a great service.  I felt no attacks, no distraction, no problems.  I got to worship and enjoy the service, it gave me great peace.

I’m cured!  No, I know I am not.  I still have a strong desire to pull away and close off.  I still have a great desire to be alone and go away for a weekend somewhere by myself.  I fight those desires,  I try to take some time for me to enjoy some quiet time.  I run and that is good for an hour, I meditate and do yoga so that gets me some time too.  I need that time to sort my brain.  That seems to be the norm right now, that I need time to get my mind in order to do things.  Its small steps at a time.  I have found that my aggravation threshold is low, not a good thing for work, but I am getting by.

Positives.  Positives. Positives.  I am alive.  I walk everyday and pray, and see Gods creation in the birds that are singing their spring songs, seeing the earth give forth its colours and rebirth of nature.  I am here! I am not in the darkness, or despair of my life hanging in the balance.  I am working out.  I have managed for 4 weeks to work out on a regular basis, finally.  I have been enjoying most of it too.  I am eating, and eating right.   No junk food, cutting out caffeine, no drinking unless with a good meal on the weekends only.  I have been reading my bible more, and I have been attending church and enjoying the service.  It is nice to feel almost normal, or as close to normal as I have been for a while. So I guess you can say I am hanging my feet over the edge of the ledge kicking my feet in the breeze like a little girl would sit on a swing in the park.  Looking up to heaven and soaking in the sun, the warmth of God‘s Love and the promise of spring in the earth. Praise be to God.

Till Next time……………….