Plastering a Cracking wall, trying to hold it together


Another weekend gone.  I have no idea where the time goes.  Whew, they keep flying by I have two months of work left and then I am done for the summer.   A busy weekend.  I managed to go out with some friends on the weekend and enjoy some social time.  It was nice.  I really wanted to hibernate at home, but sometimes you just have to get out there and be among people.  In the end it was good for me, like exercise you don’t want to, but it is good for you.  I am off my hormone drug for the next three weeks.  I have been on them for about 9 weeks now and the only thing it did for me was increase the size of my butt.  So now I have gone from 10 lbs underweight to 20 over weight, dam there is no happy medium in this thing.

I know I have said this before, and maybe this is the OCD in me talking but I am a go getter I do a lot for, and with my kids and husband and I can’t seem to get my act together.  An example, my husband says a week ago ” you know we should change the bed sheets.”  “Ok I will do that tonight.”  He says “fine” he is working late that night no worries, I can do this nothing else going on that night.  I make lunches, supper, clean up, and some how the rest of the evening passes I totally forget.  Two days go by “oh dear, honey I forgot the sheets Ill to it when I finish making lunches” .  He is cleaning up supper and doing dishes.  Two more days go by, I’m heading to bed, Sh** still forgot to do the sheets, already in bed – not getting up now. Tomorrow.  Saturday I get up have coffee doing them right now, hubby and I take off sheets he takes them to the laundry tosses them in.  I get another set of sheets.  Start to make bed. Go down stairs part way through to do get something,  get distracted.  This happens all day Sat, I finally get it made when I headed to bed that night.  Sounds like real life right, however I left 1/2 done jobs all over the house that day cause I couldn’t follow through on what I was doing. 

 I would head up stairs to get something I needed to finish something down stairs realize bed not made, start on it and try to get it done.  Then after a few minutes realize Oh I was getting this thing for down stairs grab it go down stairs, stop in kitchen for a drink of water forget where I am going clean off the counter.  Remember to go down stairs, go there remember what I am doing, forgot the thing I needed up stairs.  Go back to bedroom, crap not here, stuff a pillow in case, Oh ya in kitchen go to kitchen find it Oh ya doing stuff down stairs.  Ugggg.  That is how the day was.  I’m thinking this is nuts what the heck is wrong with my brain that I can’t follow through.  Then I get mad and then I get depressed cause my head is wack.  Vicious circle.

When my kids were babies, they would nap for an hour or two during the day.  I could move mountains in that time.  I was always proud of the things I could do in an hour.  Now my mind is mud. Thank God for the calendar on my blackberry cause I would forget everything.  All my work stuff, all my family stuff, everything is in there if I lost it,  I think I would jump off a bridge.  (not really– but it would be close) 

So here I sit on a Monday morning wondering.  Wondering about so many things where do I start. 

Is this what getting older is about! I still have at least 20 years working years I’m not that old!

Is this apart of depression a robbing of your capabilities?

Is this what happens to your mind with this illness, is it normal?

Is this the drugs?

Is my mind ever going to go back to what it once was?

Is this God’s punishment?

Is this allowed to happen to me from God to teach me humility?  Because this has been a drastic lesson but I learned it!

Is this happening to me because of my pride and lack of tenderness towards others?

Is this me just whining and I should be thankful and shut up and get on with it?

Is the depth of my heart-break and suffering ever going to end or be fixed?

This is a life changing illness, like any illness, but will I ever be able to trust my mind.  Does the cancer victim ever trust its body again?

On the flip side.  My relationship with and my trust in God, my relationship with my husband and kids, my relationship  my best friends have reached to a much deeper level than I could every imagine. So good does come out of bad

But here is a question:  If God had given me the chance to refuse this illness two years ago when this all started, knowing what I know now, would I have?………………………………………..till next time

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