Back against a Crumbling wall


April 24  —  where oh where did the month of April go, oh where or where can it be!  I have no idea where this month went– I know it passed by and I was there watching it go but I don’t know how it passed so fast.  May around the corner and soon to come my anniversary.  May 4 will be 21 years of wedded bliss to a wonderful man.  The 21 years have not been problem free – along with a beautiful rose you do get thorns, but the blessing in a marriage is the ability to break off the thorns and heal the wounds together.  My Hubby has been very supportive and I am blessed for him, he says he is blessed to have me. 

I am not sure what is happening lately.  I have been feeling kinda weird.  Not up and down, just a consistent low.  I can’t say I am depressed but I can’t say I am up.  I have been under a lot of stress lately and there seems to me a great need for people to be supported here at work and they all seem to gravitate to me.   They need someone to talk to, or help them sort stuff.   I try my best to help them.  So what do I do I apply for a new position ( a lot more responsibility) at another school and wonder what the heck am I doing.  This new position is something I have done in the past but it would be a steep learning curve at a new school and lately I feel  I am barely getting by.  

I always seem to be putting out a fire somewhere, here at work, at home with one of the kids.  I guess I am feeling overwhelmed.  I think some of this has to do with the drugs and my mind.  I can’t seem to multi task like before.  I can only do one thing at a time or my concentration is zapped.  I guess what I am really worried about is that I am losing my mind and it is rebelling against me and how I normally operate.  I have always been able to handle lots of balls in the air, never exhausted me or bothered me and today I can’t do anything.  Even making supper and talking at the same time, I forget what I am doing what I am going for, or what we were talking about.  I drive with my son everyday to work and we talk on the way and he is always saying how he hates it when I leave him hanging in the middle of a sentence when I turn my complete attention to driving.  I have no fear of driving but some days it takes a lot of concentration for me, which makes me angry cause I love to turn up the tunes and drive.   I know that I have not been helping myself.  I have been drinking too much wine, but I have been eating better and trying to exercise when I have the time.  I have been doing more yoga to help me relax.  I know the wine is knee jerk reaction to being anxious– and it taste so good too. I will try to deal with that later in the mean time I am working on sleeping, food and exercise.

I well be back to the doctor again soon and I need to know it this is a side effect of the drugs or what is it.   So if I repeat what I said in the last blog it’s because I really can’t remember what I wrote last time.  And sitting here right now – I know it was about teaching the phyed class, but without going back to look I can’t remember if I talked about this last time.

So for today, it is frustration, and fear that my mind it so jumbled it won’t straighten back out.  I know this is a moment in time and I have no idea what the future will bring and God tells us why worry about tomorrow.  I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I am trying to sort out if it is my weight or anothers weight.    So I sit here today trying to remind myself that God is in control, especially when I am out of control, and that his yoke is easy.

Dear Lord help me this day to avoid the things that are not of you.  Help me to fight against dependency on the things that hurt me and create a desire in me to do the things that help me.  I put this all into your hands my God my Father and Saviour.  Amen…………………………

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