March break is over and its Monday uck! Oh to be retired, I am nowhere near that age, I have lots of years of work yet, but I imagine what it would be like, Hmmmmmmm, nice. It’s hard to come back to work when the weather is so warm and sunny. It’s freaky that the weather is so hot when it is still winter. I went to work with a sweater instead of a winter coat which would be normal. I have been feeling ok the past week or so a moment of pulling back moment of sadness, but it doesn’t last long and I am glad for that. I am still having concentration issues. I am not the multi tasker I used to be but that is a side effect of depression and its medication so it will one day disapate – I hope. So I guess I am still sitting on my ledge, with my feet over the side swinging in the breeze and I am listening to the birds of spring and seeing the flowers of rebirth all around me. I went to church this Sunday and it was a great service. I felt no attacks, no distraction, no problems. I got to worship and enjoy the service, it gave me great peace.
I’m cured! No, I know I am not. I still have a strong desire to pull away and close off. I still have a great desire to be alone and go away for a weekend somewhere by myself. I fight those desires, I try to take some time for me to enjoy some quiet time. I run and that is good for an hour, I meditate and do yoga so that gets me some time too. I need that time to sort my brain. That seems to be the norm right now, that I need time to get my mind in order to do things. Its small steps at a time. I have found that my aggravation threshold is low, not a good thing for work, but I am getting by.
Positives. Positives. Positives. I am alive. I walk everyday and pray, and see Gods creation in the birds that are singing their spring songs, seeing the earth give forth its colours and rebirth of nature. I am here! I am not in the darkness, or despair of my life hanging in the balance. I am working out. I have managed for 4 weeks to work out on a regular basis, finally. I have been enjoying most of it too. I am eating, and eating right. No junk food, cutting out caffeine, no drinking unless with a good meal on the weekends only. I have been reading my bible more, and I have been attending church and enjoying the service. It is nice to feel almost normal, or as close to normal as I have been for a while. So I guess you can say I am hanging my feet over the edge of the ledge kicking my feet in the breeze like a little girl would sit on a swing in the park. Looking up to heaven and soaking in the sun, the warmth of God‘s Love and the promise of spring in the earth. Praise be to God.
Till Next time……………….
Its been a week or so since I last wrote. It’s March break so I am having a break, the school closes so I don’t have to work. My husband took a couple of days off -today is his first back to work. I am on my own today-well I do have our two teens home. Not that I have seen much of them over the past few days. Our girl has friends she has been hanging out with and our boy has been working or hanging out with friends so its been me and my husband. I am grieving the thought of our kids moving out and spreading their wings, I love them and we have a lot of fun together. Even though they are spreading their wings, they still need us and we need to tune in our listening skills and read between the lines more so see how they are feeling, what they are doing. On the other hand, then it will be just me and my husband, sometimes that can be a stressful thing in a marriage. If the past 4 days is what it’s going to be like when the kids are gone. It will be ok. I am very lucky to have a wonderful, supportive, loving man, and after 23 years of being together we still act like teens with puppy love.
Its been 3 weeks on the new hormone drug. I am still suffering from the side effects of it. It comes and goes. I have been really tired. I have slept in the past week more than I think I slept in the whole month of January, complete with 1 hour or so naps. On the good side of it I sleep, for the past 7 months sleep is an illusive thing, like holding water in your hands it usually slips right through my fingers but lately I have been sleeping. I have also been working out more. When I finish this I am going for a run today- its sunny and 17 celsius out there today – for March break in Ontario Canada– that is unusual, but I am not complaining! Even though it is still technically winter still, spring has sprung and it is supposed to be 20 on Saturday! I have not been down, I have had moments in the past month where I have needed time alone to sort the mind and the things it is saying. I have had moments of anxiety but not long-lasting. The usual things are just moments, and don’t last very long. There are things I still can’t do, my husband still has all the money, and looks after other things too.
I seem to be in a reprieve for a bit. I feel a bit more stable this week than I have in the past. The past months I have been sliding down the mountain, but I found a ledge and I am still sitting on it. I am trying to enjoy the view from here instead of looking over the edge and being terrified. God has been creating beautiful sunrises for me and showing me his promises in the sky. God has been showing me love, and putting people around me that are full of love. I have felt him drawing very close to me. I have felt His strength and comfort. I still have voices trying to break it down, but I have found if I sit real still and quiet and allow God to whisper I can overcome the voices. Its been a moment of peace, and as much as I am enjoying it, I can’t help but wonder when the next fall will be (negative voices) I am trying to stay in the moment and maybe that is the trick. Hold on to the moment as long as it lasts enjoy the sunrises and keep in prayer for the best.
Till next time………