Easter Monday


Its Easter Monday and I have had a great weekend.  I spent Friday with my Mom, Saturday with my husbands Mom, and Sunday with my best friend and her family.  We are so close her kids are like my kids and my kids like hers.  It was great to have both families together around the dinner table.  All our kids are teens so that was a feet in itself.  We talked and talked and laughed and ate; it was the perfect way to spend Easter Sunday, I can’t think of a better way to spend it. I love this family.

Today, I feel tired.  My son was nice to share his cold, yuck.  I have been feeling a little off today too.  Not depressed, maybe a little sad.  Definitely lazy.  It’s not a wow I had a busy weekend tired, just an ongoing tired.  It takes so much effort to do anything.  And I am tired of it– ya at attempt at humour but bad I know.   It takes a lot of effort to do anything.  some days are better than others but to work out, clean the kitchen, laundry, getting dressed in the morning even stay awake during my lunch hour at work, I had no idea that this was such a part of depression.  I have projects I need to complete here.  I have a half-finished dining room table that needs its finish sanding and a stain.  It has been half done for two years now.  I look at the project and see a huge mountain I can’t finish.  It isn’t I have done larger projects this is nothing really.  I used to be a force to be reckoned with.  Big multi tasker and able to move mountains, I am not moving too much these days. Being tired and my mind works at a different speed now.  I am not able to keep things straight in my head, organized.  I have to write everything down, I can’t keep things together.

One other thing that is physical.  My back.  I have lost my strength in my lower back.  I have always had a extremely strong core.  It is totally gone.  someday it hurts to a point that I think that there must be something seriously wrong with it.  I have never felt this way.  I have never lost strength.  It’s not a lesser strength feeling.  It is a no strength at all feeling.  Some times it is a sharp to the point I have to sit or lay down.

The other thing that I have been feeling is a lack of emotion.  I get excited about things.  I was excited on Sunday to spend Easter Sunday at church and to spend the day with our friends.  I was really excited about that.  But there is this little wall around me.  Just a barrier that seems to separate me from other things.  I can’t describe it I can’t name it.  It’s just a thing that is there.

I don’t want this to be a complaining post.  I am just stating that there are some physical and mental obstacles that are never discussed much.  As for the darkness and negative voices, I have not felt them, and that has been a blessing.

It has been a year this month that I have been writing this blog.  I have gone from ever crowding darkness, loneliness, agony, and pain.  Confusion and paranoia, anger and depths of depression and dark holes I would never wish on anyone.

The meds seem to have brought me to a better place.  I am not done messing with the drugs.  I will not for a while.  I am experimenting with this hormone drug.  Its been almost 12 weeks that I have been on it.  It has made a difference.  I will reassess in three weeks with my doctor to see where I am.

The one thing that has not changed, but has drawn me closer is God‘s Love.   God has taken this time in my life to show me that he is God and he Loves me and always has my back.  In prayer he has taken the darkness away from me.  He has given me options with my Doctor and give me very supportive group of friends and family. Praise be to God and Amen for all he has given to me.

So as I end this post I am still adjusting to this illness, I am starting to get control at least I think that I have some control.  But most of all I am here another day and I will continue to fight, the best I can.  Till next time……………..

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Puppy Love


Its been a week or so since I last wrote.  It’s March break so I am having a break, the school closes so I don’t have to work.  My husband took a couple of days off -today is his first back to work.  I am on my own today-well I do have our two teens home.  Not that I have seen much of them over the past few days.  Our girl has friends she has been hanging out with and our boy has been working or hanging out with friends so its been me and my husband.  I am grieving the thought of our kids moving out and spreading their wings, I love them and we have a lot of fun together.  Even though they are spreading their wings, they still need us and we need to tune in our listening skills and read between the lines more so see how they are feeling, what they are doing.  On the other hand, then it will be just me and my husband, sometimes that can be a stressful thing in a marriage.  If the past 4 days is what it’s going to be like when the kids are gone.  It will be ok.  I am very lucky to have a wonderful, supportive, loving man, and after 23 years of being together we still act like teens with puppy love.

Its been 3 weeks on the new hormone drug.  I am still suffering from the side effects of it.  It comes and goes.  I have been really tired.  I have slept in the past week more than I think I slept in the whole month of January, complete with 1 hour or so naps. On the good side of it I sleep, for the past 7 months sleep is an illusive thing, like holding water in your hands it usually slips right through my fingers but lately I have been sleeping. I have also been working out more.  When I finish this I am going for a run today- its sunny and 17 celsius out there today – for March break in Ontario Canada– that is unusual, but I am not complaining! Even though it is still technically winter still, spring has sprung and it is supposed to be 20 on Saturday!   I have not been down, I have had moments in the past month where I have needed time alone to sort the mind and the things it is saying.  I have had moments of anxiety but not long-lasting.  The usual things are just moments, and don’t last very long. There are things I still can’t do, my husband still has all the money, and looks after other things too.

I seem to be in a reprieve for a bit.  I feel a bit more stable this week than I have in the past.  The past months I have been sliding down the mountain, but I found a ledge and I am still sitting on it.  I am trying to enjoy the view from here instead of looking over the edge and being terrified.  God has been creating beautiful sunrises for me and showing me his promises in the sky. God has been showing me love, and putting people around me that are full of love.  I have felt him drawing very close to me.  I have felt His strength and comfort.  I still have voices trying to break it down, but I have found if I sit real still and quiet and allow God to whisper I can overcome the voices.  Its been a moment of peace, and as much as I am enjoying it, I can’t help but wonder when the next fall will be (negative voices) I am trying to stay in the moment and maybe that is the trick.  Hold on to the moment as long as it lasts enjoy the sunrises and keep in prayer for the best.

Till next time………