Holy Week


I am going to say I had a miracle this weekend. I have had a brutal cold, thanks to my son ( I knew I never should have taught him to share!  haha) So it’s a week and half still coughing to the point when I have a real coughing fit, I have to put my back against a wall because it hurts.  So Friday after a bad coughing  day and went to bed coughing and sputtering, ( I made a model T sound like a purring kitten)  but as I lay there I said “Lord I am so tired I need sleep please let me get some sleep tonight.” I woke up at 8am – I didn’t cough once all night. I felt so good I couldn’t believe it.

Friday my husband had a really bad day at work, with a co-worker, he was very upset. That Saturday morning I was so elated to not cough and felt rested that I lay there Praising God for giving me what I needed most. Then I put my hand on my husband and prayed for him.   My man is very heartfelt, conflict like that bothers him very much and he will play the events over and over in his mind.   I felt God poking me. Poke, poke, poke, the message I was getting “you prayed in silence now pray it aloud”. I did what a normal human does – ignored it.  So after a few more pokes, I started to pray aloud.  We felt uplifted, it was a good day.

It is a lesson on trust.  Trust is one of the hardest things to learn.  Depression takes away that trust.  You know your mind is not processing things right and you distrust everything.  Your emotions carry you away like a tornado from Kansas.  The darkness takes away your ability to see where you are stepping, there is no light upon the path; that you can see, and as a result you curl up in a ball unable to unclench your eyes afraid of the dark afraid to open them because you won’t see the light and you become paralysed.

I was reading about Peter the other day – I love Peter (if you have never read about him look it up in your bible – well worth it).  Peter is the sum of humanity.  He is a man’s man.  He is a fisherman, aware of nature, rugged, hard-working.   He is loyal, not afraid to grab a sword to defend himself  or his friends.  He is real, he knows who Jesus is and is the first to say go away from me I am a sinner.   He also speaks out of turn, lets his enthusiasm get the better of him, so he is heartfelt.  He denys he knows Jesus 3 times – he is like the rest of us. There is a story of the disciples in one of their boats and they are crossing a body of water and a storm blows up.  Its bad and they know they are in trouble – even though most of them were fishermen by trade, they are panicking.  They look up and here comes Jesus walking in the storm on the water.  As what is happening sinks in for these guys, Peter asks Jesus if he could walk to him.  Jesus asks him to come and he does and is doing ok, for a bit, then realizes what his feet are doing and sees the darkness around him and begins to sink, Jesus grabs his hand and helps him.  The meaning of the story is obvious.   But as I rolled this story around my mind I was thinking more of the storm than of Jesus.  The storm is a great example of our trials in life but also of the storm of depression.

The portral of people, who suffer from depression on TV, to sell the latest drug, shows people quietly sulking, at least that is how it looks.  There are times I curl up in a ball and can’t move, but the mind is nothing like what the body is doing.  The mind is swirling like a perfect storm.   Thoughts, voices, misconceptions, twirling around, you feel the coldness of the loneliness, the emptiness and you can’t shake it.  The fear of the wind of lies blowing from all directions as you feel yourself being blown all over the map. You see the darkness below you the abyss that wants to suck you down and never give you up.  This is exactly what Peter experienced, the wind of divisiveness, the dark abyss below, the fear, the coldness of  the emptiness, alone on the water out of the safety of the boat. The doubt of what you see to what you feel.

The next thing that happens in the story, besides Jesus saving Peter,  Jesus calms the storm.  The winds stop, the lake becomes like glass, and they are at their destination.  This is the season of Lent and beside it being a time of repentance, and lets face it, praying and repenting doesn’t last that long.  40 days of ‘forgive me God’ gets old.  Don’t get me wrong,  I need every second of that time, for I am a sinner.  but, Lent is a good time of introspection but it is also a time for expansion.  Expansion of thought, of trust, of faith.  This lent I have had some up moments, but I have been mostly down, but not lost in the dark.   Of all the readings, services and things I have done this Lent one thing sticks in my mind (which is saying something cause my memory doesn’t stick well 🙂 but it is the 5 words:  I don’t know my place.   God is Holy, divine, and I am not.  I don’t think of myself as wonderful and divine, but I do think I am; or am desperate to, be in control.  Don’t we all.  Depression takes away your control because chemically your brain misfires and you can not control it.  When I heard that, it felt like an arrow hit me in the heart!   I have had a couple of things that have bothered me through out this process of depression.  Why will God not take this from me? When will it be over? I miss my old self. I can’t believe I am suffering from this and how frightening it is to be really low.    And then comes the thought.  As a christian one of the major problems we have is not knowing our place.  As it says in Job, God asks ‘who is it that speaks words with out widsom’.  That be me!  I do not know my place and I want God to ‘fix’ me.

The reality of all these thoughts.  I am suffering from depression, it may and could last the rest of my life, I have an amazing Lord, Father, that is divine and powerful, and knowledgable.  I am not.  These thoughts have made humble, they have made me repent, they have brought me closer to God.  It has put me in the right place.  I know God is in control.  I have put myself in the place I should be, it has increased my trust in God and it has increased my faith.

So now what?  I am still a sinner, I am still struggling, I am still suffering from mental illness, I have up days and down, but the days don’t seem so hard, my heart feels more full.  Maybe this is just a moment in time.  Tomorrow could be a dark and evil day for me.  But if it is there are a couple of things I have to  hold on to.  I have the memory of the fullness of my heart and the joy I feel today.  I have a wonderful supportive husband, family and friends, and most of all I have hope…. amen

till next time………………………

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Doctors/ pills/ waiting lists


Thursday and Friday felt like a week and a half.  I  was so busy at work and I brought work home to get caught up, but now its friday night, been home for an hour or so just starting to relax.  I was so anxious this morning, I had to take the anxiety meds to calm down so I could get some work done.  I am trying not to control things… I am trying not to distrust everything, but to trust God.  How does one do tha?  It sounds so simple doesn’t it.  It sounds fluffy too.  ” I just put all my trust in the Lord” say that with high-pitched whiny voice.  actually, it takes some work.  The weak animal in the herd is targeted by the predator, and wants to make it – it’s dinner.  The weak-minded or those who struggle, are the weak in the herd, and are targeted by the devil to devour.  A little dramatic, but in the spiritual realm, true. When you trust in God in the fluffy way, its like taking a spoon and trying to bent it with your mind—“I can do it- It will bend – I think I can, I think I can” Picture a guy- little fists- eyes crunched up and willing with all his might for this to happen.  Sometimes we do that with God too.  “I will trust in him, I will trust in him I will trust in him”  picture same guy same face.  The problem with that kind of thinking is one letter  “i” I will trust, we can’t do it. If you bungee jump, you say to yourself “I can do this thing, I can do this , I trust the cord, I trust the cord”  But you know untill you get to the end of the cord there is always a glimmer of doubt.  The bible says that through Jesus all things are possible.  You can also take that in a fluffy way.  picture previous reference.  But Think of it this way. Back to John 1 The word became flesh, he is the light of the world, he came to save us.  What are you putting flesh to?  I am trying not to be in control of things.  I want to control things because I am out of control.  But if I decide to trust God there is a handing over, and  a follow-up.  You simply can’t say “Lord I hand this to you”, cause you will follow-up with’ Ah wait a minute , almost done with it, Yes you can have it, no you can’t ” and back and forth it goes.

I am learning that following up a statement like “Lord I pray to you I am unable to handle this — I don’t understand it, but I give it to you, I am your humble servant, have mercy on me”  Now to leave it there, you must put flesh to your words.  Repeating what you believe in is a way to trust in God.  When my mind is raging with negativity and darkness and they are demanding, screaming at me to give their words flesh, I repeat what I believe in.

I believe in
God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended to the dead.* On the third day he rose again; he ascended
into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come to
judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy
catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the
resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.  Amen.

Stating what I believe helps me trust in God and gain the peace I need to carry on.

I know sounds simple, but you have to work at it, it doesn’t come naturally but it can save you.

So how do I explain a day like yesterday and today….. Well Yesterday was Doctor day.  I had lots going on at work, meetings, computer work, all kinds of stuff.  I ran out to the doctor and had to wait 10 minutes, as I was waiting my heart started to race, I knew I was heading into an anxiety attack.  I get called into the doctor I sit, she asks me whats going on, what can I do for you.  I start to shake — I think she thought I was having a stroke… The tears start, I am trying to catch my breath and basically fall apart.  My 10 minute apt last and hour and half.   So in the end I had a choice, switch meds, up meds or stay the same and make a psychiatrist apt. We did two out of them all.  She upped my meds, I am now at the max for all of them.  My psychiatrist apt will be in 2 months — Thank you waiting lists. 😦 but hopefully it will happen  sooner than later I will be reassessed, and I am sure I will be introduced to new drugs and as hell, as switching will be, maybe in the long run it will be better. Today I was on the verge of an anxiety attack this morning.  I could feel it coming on, I left the office headed to the staff room and took my anxiety pill in the bathroom, and sat there till things calmed down.  They did after a bit– the stronger drugs take less time to work. Good thing I guess.

So how does trusting God help me in these absolutely uncontrolled situations.  Instead of looking at what I can’t trust, I look at what I can trust.  God is with me- absolute never let me down trust.  I state what I believe, so I can be reminded that yes my mind does believe in something that is trust worthy. I say the words and give my words flesh, cause I would rather give God words with flesh, than negativity flesh and fall farther and faster than I can stop, cause I can’t trust me and I can’t stop it. But all things are possible through Jesus Christ.  I pray to him repeat the words he has given us and believe.

If you can’t stand up for what you believe in — Or you believe in nothing — then sit down and die.

exhausted tonight

that is all for now, till next time………………………..

Oh cloudy day


Its Friday a day all people with Sat and Sunday look forward to.  Having a really bad day out of the blue.  (sorry for the pun I just realized it from last posts title and this post title)  I feel so out of sorts today.  I am shaky, which is interesting cause I haven’t been a long long time, and feeling anxious, to be honest I have one nerve left and every one wants to stomp on it.  Nothing has changed in the week.  Just another day, just another chemical reaction.   No darkness just sad, mad, (angry) physically hurting, and shaky.  Ugg

Dear Lord.

I know that all you do is good.  All you do is right. All you do is fair.

In this day I am not feeling good right or fair.  It is your strength and your love that I need in my heart.

I am weak but you are strong, so cover me over with your hand and keep me safe.

Lead me in your paths, take my hand.

I feel blind today, stumbling around like a blind, deaf,  lost puppy.

Oh Holy Spirit please take this prayer to God with Groanings from deep with in my heart

Cause there is no love no kindness only anger.

I put this into your hands cause mine hands can not handle this

Amen

Easter Monday


Its Easter Monday and I have had a great weekend.  I spent Friday with my Mom, Saturday with my husbands Mom, and Sunday with my best friend and her family.  We are so close her kids are like my kids and my kids like hers.  It was great to have both families together around the dinner table.  All our kids are teens so that was a feet in itself.  We talked and talked and laughed and ate; it was the perfect way to spend Easter Sunday, I can’t think of a better way to spend it. I love this family.

Today, I feel tired.  My son was nice to share his cold, yuck.  I have been feeling a little off today too.  Not depressed, maybe a little sad.  Definitely lazy.  It’s not a wow I had a busy weekend tired, just an ongoing tired.  It takes so much effort to do anything.  And I am tired of it– ya at attempt at humour but bad I know.   It takes a lot of effort to do anything.  some days are better than others but to work out, clean the kitchen, laundry, getting dressed in the morning even stay awake during my lunch hour at work, I had no idea that this was such a part of depression.  I have projects I need to complete here.  I have a half-finished dining room table that needs its finish sanding and a stain.  It has been half done for two years now.  I look at the project and see a huge mountain I can’t finish.  It isn’t I have done larger projects this is nothing really.  I used to be a force to be reckoned with.  Big multi tasker and able to move mountains, I am not moving too much these days. Being tired and my mind works at a different speed now.  I am not able to keep things straight in my head, organized.  I have to write everything down, I can’t keep things together.

One other thing that is physical.  My back.  I have lost my strength in my lower back.  I have always had a extremely strong core.  It is totally gone.  someday it hurts to a point that I think that there must be something seriously wrong with it.  I have never felt this way.  I have never lost strength.  It’s not a lesser strength feeling.  It is a no strength at all feeling.  Some times it is a sharp to the point I have to sit or lay down.

The other thing that I have been feeling is a lack of emotion.  I get excited about things.  I was excited on Sunday to spend Easter Sunday at church and to spend the day with our friends.  I was really excited about that.  But there is this little wall around me.  Just a barrier that seems to separate me from other things.  I can’t describe it I can’t name it.  It’s just a thing that is there.

I don’t want this to be a complaining post.  I am just stating that there are some physical and mental obstacles that are never discussed much.  As for the darkness and negative voices, I have not felt them, and that has been a blessing.

It has been a year this month that I have been writing this blog.  I have gone from ever crowding darkness, loneliness, agony, and pain.  Confusion and paranoia, anger and depths of depression and dark holes I would never wish on anyone.

The meds seem to have brought me to a better place.  I am not done messing with the drugs.  I will not for a while.  I am experimenting with this hormone drug.  Its been almost 12 weeks that I have been on it.  It has made a difference.  I will reassess in three weeks with my doctor to see where I am.

The one thing that has not changed, but has drawn me closer is God‘s Love.   God has taken this time in my life to show me that he is God and he Loves me and always has my back.  In prayer he has taken the darkness away from me.  He has given me options with my Doctor and give me very supportive group of friends and family. Praise be to God and Amen for all he has given to me.

So as I end this post I am still adjusting to this illness, I am starting to get control at least I think that I have some control.  But most of all I am here another day and I will continue to fight, the best I can.  Till next time……………..