Doctors/ pills/ waiting lists


Thursday and Friday felt like a week and a half.  I  was so busy at work and I brought work home to get caught up, but now its friday night, been home for an hour or so just starting to relax.  I was so anxious this morning, I had to take the anxiety meds to calm down so I could get some work done.  I am trying not to control things… I am trying not to distrust everything, but to trust God.  How does one do tha?  It sounds so simple doesn’t it.  It sounds fluffy too.  ” I just put all my trust in the Lord” say that with high-pitched whiny voice.  actually, it takes some work.  The weak animal in the herd is targeted by the predator, and wants to make it – it’s dinner.  The weak-minded or those who struggle, are the weak in the herd, and are targeted by the devil to devour.  A little dramatic, but in the spiritual realm, true. When you trust in God in the fluffy way, its like taking a spoon and trying to bent it with your mind—“I can do it- It will bend – I think I can, I think I can” Picture a guy- little fists- eyes crunched up and willing with all his might for this to happen.  Sometimes we do that with God too.  “I will trust in him, I will trust in him I will trust in him”  picture same guy same face.  The problem with that kind of thinking is one letter  “i” I will trust, we can’t do it. If you bungee jump, you say to yourself “I can do this thing, I can do this , I trust the cord, I trust the cord”  But you know untill you get to the end of the cord there is always a glimmer of doubt.  The bible says that through Jesus all things are possible.  You can also take that in a fluffy way.  picture previous reference.  But Think of it this way. Back to John 1 The word became flesh, he is the light of the world, he came to save us.  What are you putting flesh to?  I am trying not to be in control of things.  I want to control things because I am out of control.  But if I decide to trust God there is a handing over, and  a follow-up.  You simply can’t say “Lord I hand this to you”, cause you will follow-up with’ Ah wait a minute , almost done with it, Yes you can have it, no you can’t ” and back and forth it goes.

I am learning that following up a statement like “Lord I pray to you I am unable to handle this — I don’t understand it, but I give it to you, I am your humble servant, have mercy on me”  Now to leave it there, you must put flesh to your words.  Repeating what you believe in is a way to trust in God.  When my mind is raging with negativity and darkness and they are demanding, screaming at me to give their words flesh, I repeat what I believe in.

I believe in
God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended to the dead.* On the third day he rose again; he ascended
into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come to
judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy
catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the
resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.  Amen.

Stating what I believe helps me trust in God and gain the peace I need to carry on.

I know sounds simple, but you have to work at it, it doesn’t come naturally but it can save you.

So how do I explain a day like yesterday and today….. Well Yesterday was Doctor day.  I had lots going on at work, meetings, computer work, all kinds of stuff.  I ran out to the doctor and had to wait 10 minutes, as I was waiting my heart started to race, I knew I was heading into an anxiety attack.  I get called into the doctor I sit, she asks me whats going on, what can I do for you.  I start to shake — I think she thought I was having a stroke… The tears start, I am trying to catch my breath and basically fall apart.  My 10 minute apt last and hour and half.   So in the end I had a choice, switch meds, up meds or stay the same and make a psychiatrist apt. We did two out of them all.  She upped my meds, I am now at the max for all of them.  My psychiatrist apt will be in 2 months — Thank you waiting lists. 😦 but hopefully it will happen  sooner than later I will be reassessed, and I am sure I will be introduced to new drugs and as hell, as switching will be, maybe in the long run it will be better. Today I was on the verge of an anxiety attack this morning.  I could feel it coming on, I left the office headed to the staff room and took my anxiety pill in the bathroom, and sat there till things calmed down.  They did after a bit– the stronger drugs take less time to work. Good thing I guess.

So how does trusting God help me in these absolutely uncontrolled situations.  Instead of looking at what I can’t trust, I look at what I can trust.  God is with me- absolute never let me down trust.  I state what I believe, so I can be reminded that yes my mind does believe in something that is trust worthy. I say the words and give my words flesh, cause I would rather give God words with flesh, than negativity flesh and fall farther and faster than I can stop, cause I can’t trust me and I can’t stop it. But all things are possible through Jesus Christ.  I pray to him repeat the words he has given us and believe.

If you can’t stand up for what you believe in — Or you believe in nothing — then sit down and die.

exhausted tonight

that is all for now, till next time………………………..

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The Blues


I am down this week.  I am fighting it best I can.  I am being very careful. Watching the right shows that don’t bring me down even more. Listening to the right music, cause the blues can really bring you down more, so I am trying to be up beat. I am reading a something about how God worked through Mary with her virgin birth. How God uses the weak to show the strong who God is and how wonderful and mighty he is.  I look at my nativity’s around my house a the baby Jesus and see true humility.  God’s son, just how we are to come to him.  Humble, helpless, needing a father to teach, guid,e and raise us into his grown children.  It is the example of the true approach to God.  And Jesus the word becoming flesh to be with in us, to be our Shepard and again help us to learn to spread the good news and teach others about our Father Lord God and his Son and his Holy Spirit.

All these words are truth.  All these words define God, Christmas, and all he has done for us. I believe all of it.  ………………………………

BUT

You were waiting for that weren’t you……….. but, in the pit of my heart beside the truth is the pain of depression that blackens my heart and soul.  It has made me very angry this week, I can not raise up this pit.  I am sinking more and more as the week passes.  I believe that God does care and works through me to show love to others.  I have a tatoo of a heart with a vine to representing John 15 on my forearm, I put my heart on my sleeve and I have the triune God symbol on my back to remind me that God always has my back.   But my heart hurts, I hide my forearm tatoo, I am tired of having my heart-broken and I am building a wall to keep it safe.

How do I reconcile what I truly believe; with the depression that clouds my heart.  This is the question that digs the deepest.

till next time…………….

Redefining the Christmas Story Dec 1/2012


So I have been in a redefine mood.  I was thinking about this last night.  I have rearranged the furniture in the house.  I have thrown out bags and bags of clothes, things, junk, and papers, that have been cluttering up my house.   We pulled up carpet (well we had a leak and it wrecked the carpet) we put in new hard wood, painted my bathroom.  Finished refinishing my dinning room table and the hutch.  As I think of all the stuff I have done over the past year– I have done alot of stuff! Jeepers!!!  I am not as latharjic as I thought! Great!

Since summer I have been stuck on the bible vs from John chapter One.  I think stuck on is a bad word for it, obsessed with it.  It has been obsessed with me t0o.  I have come across this word in so many books, sermons, converstaions, out of the blue, in the past 6 months there is something that I am supposed to glean from it.

See Below:

John 1

The Word Became Flesh

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. 10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 11 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God13 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

15 (John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’”) 16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 18 No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is himself God and[b] is in closest relationship with the Father, has made him known.

First incounter with this verse.  In the summer this verse started haunting me, to the point that during a camping trip I cornered my former pastor and we had a huge discussion on it.  The discussion then went from the word becoming flesh to the word being as he put it digested with in me as a fight against the depression that I suffer from.    He explained that the word- or God’s word became flesh with Jesus.  The word can also be thoughts of God, Spirit of God, Knowledge of God.  Jesus was there in the beginning when the world was made and God had spoken of this through the prophets.  So the word came earth, Jesus came to earth through his birth through Mary.

The word became flesh. A few months ago I was having a bad time and the devil was hammering at me hard.  I was close to walking away from the church.  How can I say that— and be a strong christian.  Well,  I am only strong with God.  My mind was lieing to me at a time when I was very depressed, that my faith was not going to make me better and I was in such heart pain in a dark hole, that I was unable to think straight.   I got through this by holding onto the vs the word became flesh.  I was not going to put flesh to the words that the darkness so desperatly wanted me to say. My mantra became ” I will not put flesh to those words” I repeated it over and over, untill the darkness left.

Hope:  the vs “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  The darkness has not overcome it.  Most of my days I hold this hope.  The light shines beyond the darkness and we have hope and protection in the light.  I have learned that the darkness is not peace but turmoil and screaming.  The light is the place we need to hide in from the darkness, and receive life.

My Nativity.   I have adopted these verses as my nativity story.  My Christmas story.  I am not saying the Nativity did not happen I believe that to be historical fact.   This is the nativity from the Holy Spirit point of view. Jesus is apart of God and the Holy Spirit makes know to us what God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit are about and their love and their word. I think this is what is giving me the peace I have been feeling.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

For now I will stop here more to come later

Till next time……………..