Self love


Been feeling ok these days. I can not say that I feel stellar but I am not in the place I was before Christmas. The darkness is there on the edge of things. Sometimes I think I should name him, but I don’t want to make it a personal thing- giving it a name gives it a home, and it is an unwanted guest. I have been feeling a little pull back from people. I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights- and that doesn’t help me much. Maybe I am just tired. At least that is what I am telling myself. The adjustment in drugs has settled down I am not shaky but now is the test to see if they make a difference. So we shall see – but for today I am feeling a little sad- but I will name it tired.

I have been thinking about forgiveness, I have discussing this over the past posts. The need to forgive those who hurt us is not a natural one, but it is a required one, if I want God to forgive all my sins. My sins against God are much more than those that have been done to me. It is the plank in my eye, the speck in my brothers.

Forgiveness, acceptance, love trust.

These are the things God offers us as his children. These are the things I wrote about forgetting, esp when I am down and depressed. It dawned on me the other day when I was reading my bible, these are an offering to us free from God – it is up to us to accept them. In my knowledge and study of the bible I know that these are truth. They are my free gift, and I should accept them. A block comes up however to accept them. We all want forgiveness, and it is a two-fold thing. Especially if you’re the one who did wrong. First you ask for the forgiveness which in most cases is not that hard to do, but then you have to forgive yourself. Now there is the rub…..
Acceptance of God is again offered as a free gift, but do you accept that gift. It is a huge thing. Its like your best friend giving you an island in the south pacific, with a mansion on it, and a pool and your own boat, and servants. etc etc. I come from the middle of the road income, and came from poor upbringing being a farmer’s daughter, but this is toooooo much even from my best friend. If you think that is a lot, then think about the Master of the Universe who not only made and started your heart, gave you breath, and then calls you his child and accepts you unconditionally. The rub do you accept yourself?
Love from your Heavenly Father. Deeper than anything you can feel. Wider than any love you have in any of your relationships. Freely offered. Again the rub do you love yourself?
Truth do you believe all that I have written in the above three paragraphs are true? In my knowledge I believe it is true. In my heart…..????……

I think that when you are someone suffering from depression, it manifests itself into a life of dark and light. Some of the time you are in the light, you sleep well you do the things you should do, the meds are working. Some of the time however you also live in the dark. You stop sleeping well, or you sleep too much, you don’t have the energy to do the things you should, nor do you care to. I think the amount you except what God is offering to you is in direct relation to how much you love and accept yourself.
If you are in a self hate mood and if you have read previous blogs you know I am good at the self hatered bit. A product of the darkness that has taken over me. The voices start – I am unworthy to be offered anything so wonderful. I am too sinful, which is a christian phrase that means I hate me so everyone does too. I hate the pain in my heart, the suffering, the trying to cope and the energy level is depleted. I want to fight the good fight I want to be the hero, to slay the dragon. Sometimes I don’t know who the dragon is. The confusion starts and then you forget or can’t see what is truth- mist in the eyes of your soul. There is no peace, only loud hating words and never-ending noise that hides the gentle whisper of God.

It is a roller coaster ride. A constant fight. It’s a worthy fight, I can say that today because I still feel I am a child of God. Tomorrow I may be in the darkness. But I write these words to look at later to remind me that the truth may be blurred but it is still truth

till next time…………..

Redefining the Christmas Story Dec 1/2012


So I have been in a redefine mood.  I was thinking about this last night.  I have rearranged the furniture in the house.  I have thrown out bags and bags of clothes, things, junk, and papers, that have been cluttering up my house.   We pulled up carpet (well we had a leak and it wrecked the carpet) we put in new hard wood, painted my bathroom.  Finished refinishing my dinning room table and the hutch.  As I think of all the stuff I have done over the past year– I have done alot of stuff! Jeepers!!!  I am not as latharjic as I thought! Great!

Since summer I have been stuck on the bible vs from John chapter One.  I think stuck on is a bad word for it, obsessed with it.  It has been obsessed with me t0o.  I have come across this word in so many books, sermons, converstaions, out of the blue, in the past 6 months there is something that I am supposed to glean from it.

See Below:

John 1

The Word Became Flesh

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. 10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 11 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God13 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

15 (John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’”) 16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 18 No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is himself God and[b] is in closest relationship with the Father, has made him known.

First incounter with this verse.  In the summer this verse started haunting me, to the point that during a camping trip I cornered my former pastor and we had a huge discussion on it.  The discussion then went from the word becoming flesh to the word being as he put it digested with in me as a fight against the depression that I suffer from.    He explained that the word- or God’s word became flesh with Jesus.  The word can also be thoughts of God, Spirit of God, Knowledge of God.  Jesus was there in the beginning when the world was made and God had spoken of this through the prophets.  So the word came earth, Jesus came to earth through his birth through Mary.

The word became flesh. A few months ago I was having a bad time and the devil was hammering at me hard.  I was close to walking away from the church.  How can I say that— and be a strong christian.  Well,  I am only strong with God.  My mind was lieing to me at a time when I was very depressed, that my faith was not going to make me better and I was in such heart pain in a dark hole, that I was unable to think straight.   I got through this by holding onto the vs the word became flesh.  I was not going to put flesh to the words that the darkness so desperatly wanted me to say. My mantra became ” I will not put flesh to those words” I repeated it over and over, untill the darkness left.

Hope:  the vs “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  The darkness has not overcome it.  Most of my days I hold this hope.  The light shines beyond the darkness and we have hope and protection in the light.  I have learned that the darkness is not peace but turmoil and screaming.  The light is the place we need to hide in from the darkness, and receive life.

My Nativity.   I have adopted these verses as my nativity story.  My Christmas story.  I am not saying the Nativity did not happen I believe that to be historical fact.   This is the nativity from the Holy Spirit point of view. Jesus is apart of God and the Holy Spirit makes know to us what God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit are about and their love and their word. I think this is what is giving me the peace I have been feeling.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

For now I will stop here more to come later

Till next time……………..

Holding my arms up to the Lord


Its been over a week since I typed anything.  The dinning room table got refinished, the hutch that didn’t match the table; now does thanks to a coat of paint and some paint treatments.  I went on a camping trip last week with some friends.  I managed to get some rest, some exercise and have a lot of fun.  I also managed to spend some time with a pastor friend of mine.  We sat for a long time and talked about a bible verse I have been wrestling with and we talked endlessly about my depression and how attacked I have felt and how hard it has been for me to deal with.  It was good and it was helpful and I left better.  I went to church Sunday morning and played in the youth band and my heart sang with great leaps and my spirit uplifted.  I gave flesh to my words but they were words of Praise and words of belief in the Lord Jesus Christ and the Creator of the world God himself.

Rereading this paragraph I think what a nice ending of a terrible horrible couple of weeks.  But I can’t say I am rejoicing.  Don’t get me wrong, I am praising God for delivering me from the darkness that I put myself in.  I am Thankful for friends and a wonderful husband  to support me. I am humbled by the thoughts from God that have come to me to open the verses I have not understood till now from the bible.  BUT.  There is always a but. As I rejoice in this wonderful place to be I know that this is not the end.  It is not over.  Today I stand in victory.  Tomorrow will be ok, and I may be fine for weeks.  But it will come again.  The darkness creeping up and the attacks again.  What a killjoy eh?  Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate, and love the place I am right now.  It is like falling in love only to have your heart-broken.  You repair the heart and someone else comes along and it is wonderful and lovely and you think this could be the one and as you consider giving your heart out again, you can’t help but remember the broken heart you just repaired.   Today my unfaithful mind is functioning, tomorrow??????????  This is the delema this is the thing that lurks around in the back of the mind.  Is there a next time? When is the next time? will it interfere with my plans, will it be something I can ‘t resist? Or will this be the time of a complete break down?

I think the only plan of action I can take right now, is to get together with my pastor and my best friend and pray.  I need time to prepare for the next time.  If the next time does not come great! but I don’t know for sure but I do know that in order to fend off the darkness I need to embrace the light and to build the wall around me in the name of the Almighty.

God be with my mind as I heal after the past few weeks of battling.  Help me to rely on you. Forgive my unbelief and continue to protect me.  You continue to teach me so much, continue to lead me, protect me, feed me, show me, so that I can walk in your ways.  And most of all I pray the prayer that never fails.  “In name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, may your will be done.”   Amen.

Till next time……………………….