Its been over a week since I typed anything. The dinning room table got refinished, the hutch that didn’t match the table; now does thanks to a coat of paint and some paint treatments. I went on a camping trip last week with some friends. I managed to get some rest, some exercise and have a lot of fun. I also managed to spend some time with a pastor friend of mine. We sat for a long time and talked about a bible verse I have been wrestling with and we talked endlessly about my depression and how attacked I have felt and how hard it has been for me to deal with. It was good and it was helpful and I left better. I went to church Sunday morning and played in the youth band and my heart sang with great leaps and my spirit uplifted. I gave flesh to my words but they were words of Praise and words of belief in the Lord Jesus Christ and the Creator of the world God himself.
Rereading this paragraph I think what a nice ending of a terrible horrible couple of weeks. But I can’t say I am rejoicing. Don’t get me wrong, I am praising God for delivering me from the darkness that I put myself in. I am Thankful for friends and a wonderful husband to support me. I am humbled by the thoughts from God that have come to me to open the verses I have not understood till now from the bible. BUT. There is always a but. As I rejoice in this wonderful place to be I know that this is not the end. It is not over. Today I stand in victory. Tomorrow will be ok, and I may be fine for weeks. But it will come again. The darkness creeping up and the attacks again. What a killjoy eh? Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate, and love the place I am right now. It is like falling in love only to have your heart-broken. You repair the heart and someone else comes along and it is wonderful and lovely and you think this could be the one and as you consider giving your heart out again, you can’t help but remember the broken heart you just repaired. Today my unfaithful mind is functioning, tomorrow?????????? This is the delema this is the thing that lurks around in the back of the mind. Is there a next time? When is the next time? will it interfere with my plans, will it be something I can ‘t resist? Or will this be the time of a complete break down?
I think the only plan of action I can take right now, is to get together with my pastor and my best friend and pray. I need time to prepare for the next time. If the next time does not come great! but I don’t know for sure but I do know that in order to fend off the darkness I need to embrace the light and to build the wall around me in the name of the Almighty.
God be with my mind as I heal after the past few weeks of battling. Help me to rely on you. Forgive my unbelief and continue to protect me. You continue to teach me so much, continue to lead me, protect me, feed me, show me, so that I can walk in your ways. And most of all I pray the prayer that never fails. “In name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, may your will be done.” Amen.
Till next time……………………….