He has Risen in Deed


Easter has come and gone– time is flying on, except that Spring didn’t get the memo and it is still really cold in Ontario.  How I long for spring and warmer days.  Soon, it will come I am sure, in the mean time the birds have returned and are singing every morning and it is wonderful to wake up to them.   Easter was great, I felt good and spent some time with my Mom and some time with my husband’s Mom and husband and had our friends over, Easter dinner was a blast.

I called my Doctor today still haven’t heard about my psyc. assessment, called the hospital and they will fax it this week.  Its been over 2 months if I was suicidal I would be dead by now.  I am curious as to what the Doctor has to say, and I am on hold till I hear from her to see what drug decisions I need to make.  So we wait.

I have been feeling good, as I said, I feel like Jesus has calmed the waters of this storm. It has been peaceful and empowering. Maybe some of this has to do with the acceptance of depression.  Maybe the peace is a result of the process of Lent, an affirmation of God‘s Holiness and giving it defilement. Maybe I’m just on an up swing.  What ever is happening I am feeling stronger – this week.

I was listening to a sermon over easter and one of the lines that came out of it that stuck with me was what the devil said to Adam and  Eve to create the fall of man and this ties in with the death of Jesus, to right, Eve and Adam’s wrong.  Adam and Eve created by God were told not to eat from the tree of Good and Evil or they would die. The serpant, who was the devil said to Eve ‘surly you will not die’ or in other words: Gods words are not truth. He planted the seed of doubt. Second lie ‘eat and you will be like God knowing good and evil.’ or you know better what is good for you, take control, power over yourself ‘ I was astonished.  These words were spoken apx 4000 years ago, and they are the same words that the devil has whispered to me.  In my most confused states the devil has whispered the bible is not truth, God would not allow you to hurt so much if he were true.  Or come and rest with me you will not get peace in the light, hide in the dark, who will see you, take control and do not rely on God to find your rest, he afflicted you.  It is the same words he implied in the temptation of JesusDevil “make the rocks become bread” or take control of your situation why suffer.  Second temptation “I will give you the world….worship me” or come to me and get what God can’t give you- putting limits on God.  Third temptation was to prove who Jesus was and test God in to looking after him on the spot.  Or what the devil has said to me, God does not care for you – you are the lost sheep and he is not looking for you.  Mean while I was always in God’s pen I just needed to open my eyes and see it.

I have always  read Genesis and thought ‘I can’t believe that Adam and Eve fell for it’ how could they be so deceived, especially since they had walked with God in the garden of Eden? But I fell for it, and long before I suffered from depression.  Being in a depressed state, I have become more sensitive and  heard the voice louder, telling me in the same words.  ‘Surely you will not die, be in control, go to the darkness and be godlike and find peace.’  What I found was not peace, but torment.  What I found was not the love of God but hate of myself, my life, my being. The dark is torment hate, and everything God is not, but the devil wants to decive you but he can never snach you out of God’s hand if you believe

As I said in the previous blog. When Peter walked on water he quickly looked at the storm and the darkness below him instead of focusing on Jesus. When my mind gets confused and I can’t make sence of right and wrong you feel only the dark, the coldness of the water coming over the bow  of your boat. The emptyness as you feel you are the only person in the boat. Jesus doesn’t seem to be there, you are fightened of being sucked into the abiyss.  You are desperate, panicked in the darkness.  I have not felt that way over the last couple of weeks.  I feel as if I have a barrier up and the storm is far away, a distant memory.  I have put God in the right place of my mind, Divine and Holy. There has been a change over this Lent season, I am not sure of all the ramifications of it or can put a name or pin point a time or place of it,  I just know I am in a far different place than I have ever been before.  Praise God.

Till next time……………….

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Puppy Love


Its been a week or so since I last wrote.  It’s March break so I am having a break, the school closes so I don’t have to work.  My husband took a couple of days off -today is his first back to work.  I am on my own today-well I do have our two teens home.  Not that I have seen much of them over the past few days.  Our girl has friends she has been hanging out with and our boy has been working or hanging out with friends so its been me and my husband.  I am grieving the thought of our kids moving out and spreading their wings, I love them and we have a lot of fun together.  Even though they are spreading their wings, they still need us and we need to tune in our listening skills and read between the lines more so see how they are feeling, what they are doing.  On the other hand, then it will be just me and my husband, sometimes that can be a stressful thing in a marriage.  If the past 4 days is what it’s going to be like when the kids are gone.  It will be ok.  I am very lucky to have a wonderful, supportive, loving man, and after 23 years of being together we still act like teens with puppy love.

Its been 3 weeks on the new hormone drug.  I am still suffering from the side effects of it.  It comes and goes.  I have been really tired.  I have slept in the past week more than I think I slept in the whole month of January, complete with 1 hour or so naps. On the good side of it I sleep, for the past 7 months sleep is an illusive thing, like holding water in your hands it usually slips right through my fingers but lately I have been sleeping. I have also been working out more.  When I finish this I am going for a run today- its sunny and 17 celsius out there today – for March break in Ontario Canada– that is unusual, but I am not complaining! Even though it is still technically winter still, spring has sprung and it is supposed to be 20 on Saturday!   I have not been down, I have had moments in the past month where I have needed time alone to sort the mind and the things it is saying.  I have had moments of anxiety but not long-lasting.  The usual things are just moments, and don’t last very long. There are things I still can’t do, my husband still has all the money, and looks after other things too.

I seem to be in a reprieve for a bit.  I feel a bit more stable this week than I have in the past.  The past months I have been sliding down the mountain, but I found a ledge and I am still sitting on it.  I am trying to enjoy the view from here instead of looking over the edge and being terrified.  God has been creating beautiful sunrises for me and showing me his promises in the sky. God has been showing me love, and putting people around me that are full of love.  I have felt him drawing very close to me.  I have felt His strength and comfort.  I still have voices trying to break it down, but I have found if I sit real still and quiet and allow God to whisper I can overcome the voices.  Its been a moment of peace, and as much as I am enjoying it, I can’t help but wonder when the next fall will be (negative voices) I am trying to stay in the moment and maybe that is the trick.  Hold on to the moment as long as it lasts enjoy the sunrises and keep in prayer for the best.

Till next time………