Easter has come and gone– time is flying on, except that Spring didn’t get the memo and it is still really cold in Ontario. How I long for spring and warmer days. Soon, it will come I am sure, in the mean time the birds have returned and are singing every morning and it is wonderful to wake up to them. Easter was great, I felt good and spent some time with my Mom and some time with my husband’s Mom and husband and had our friends over, Easter dinner was a blast.
I called my Doctor today still haven’t heard about my psyc. assessment, called the hospital and they will fax it this week. Its been over 2 months if I was suicidal I would be dead by now. I am curious as to what the Doctor has to say, and I am on hold till I hear from her to see what drug decisions I need to make. So we wait.
I have been feeling good, as I said, I feel like Jesus has calmed the waters of this storm. It has been peaceful and empowering. Maybe some of this has to do with the acceptance of depression. Maybe the peace is a result of the process of Lent, an affirmation of God‘s Holiness and giving it defilement. Maybe I’m just on an up swing. What ever is happening I am feeling stronger – this week.
I was listening to a sermon over easter and one of the lines that came out of it that stuck with me was what the devil said to Adam and Eve to create the fall of man and this ties in with the death of Jesus, to right, Eve and Adam’s wrong. Adam and Eve created by God were told not to eat from the tree of Good and Evil or they would die. The serpant, who was the devil said to Eve ‘surly you will not die’ or in other words: Gods words are not truth. He planted the seed of doubt. Second lie ‘eat and you will be like God knowing good and evil.’ or you know better what is good for you, take control, power over yourself ‘ I was astonished. These words were spoken apx 4000 years ago, and they are the same words that the devil has whispered to me. In my most confused states the devil has whispered the bible is not truth, God would not allow you to hurt so much if he were true. Or come and rest with me you will not get peace in the light, hide in the dark, who will see you, take control and do not rely on God to find your rest, he afflicted you. It is the same words he implied in the temptation of Jesus. Devil “make the rocks become bread” or take control of your situation why suffer. Second temptation “I will give you the world….worship me” or come to me and get what God can’t give you- putting limits on God. Third temptation was to prove who Jesus was and test God in to looking after him on the spot. Or what the devil has said to me, God does not care for you – you are the lost sheep and he is not looking for you. Mean while I was always in God’s pen I just needed to open my eyes and see it.
I have always read Genesis and thought ‘I can’t believe that Adam and Eve fell for it’ how could they be so deceived, especially since they had walked with God in the garden of Eden? But I fell for it, and long before I suffered from depression. Being in a depressed state, I have become more sensitive and heard the voice louder, telling me in the same words. ‘Surely you will not die, be in control, go to the darkness and be godlike and find peace.’ What I found was not peace, but torment. What I found was not the love of God but hate of myself, my life, my being. The dark is torment hate, and everything God is not, but the devil wants to decive you but he can never snach you out of God’s hand if you believe
As I said in the previous blog. When Peter walked on water he quickly looked at the storm and the darkness below him instead of focusing on Jesus. When my mind gets confused and I can’t make sence of right and wrong you feel only the dark, the coldness of the water coming over the bow of your boat. The emptyness as you feel you are the only person in the boat. Jesus doesn’t seem to be there, you are fightened of being sucked into the abiyss. You are desperate, panicked in the darkness. I have not felt that way over the last couple of weeks. I feel as if I have a barrier up and the storm is far away, a distant memory. I have put God in the right place of my mind, Divine and Holy. There has been a change over this Lent season, I am not sure of all the ramifications of it or can put a name or pin point a time or place of it, I just know I am in a far different place than I have ever been before. Praise God.
Till next time……………….