Contemplation


I was sitting at lunch today reading a book on anxiety, and how to deal with it. There are no good books out there that I have found dealing with depression. What I have found; christian or otherwise, are books written by educated people, giving advice on a something they have never experienced.
It has been a difficult month. I have been down most of it, with no rhyme or reason. Today I was shopping at Costco, going along no problems, then as I was contemplating my list of stuff, I could feel my heart start to race and my spirits sinking. It was like stepping out in the rain. One second dry; one step soaked.  It makes no sence.

Philippians 4:6-9 NIV

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Our reaction to problems should be first thankfulness and honour to God. To create right thinking and right praying. Depression takes away right thinking, and creates prayers of desperation. When you are trapped in the dark how do you see the light?

1 Corinthians 10:13

13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

The question I can not answer. This depression has led me to depths I could have never fathomed. Where does depression fit in here. Could the chaos of my mind be related to the lack of trust I have in God, I can’t trust myself, I sometimes don’t know what is truth, so what do I trust? Is my lack of trust a sign that I have little faith? This is the great question. How do you reconcile the light and dark of the mind, to the promises of God. Is it wrong for me to assume that with my depression that I can not feel at peace? Or is my peace dependent on God givimg it to me and if I do not feel it – is it because I am doing something wrong.

till next time……

Day after


Well it is the day after my prayer meeting with my husband and pastor.  My husband dragged me kicking and screaming.  I got there and couldn’t speak I was so afraid.  We talked for a bit we held hands and we prayed — well they prayed.  As they did God kept telling me to confess the sins of the body.  It is the verse of Jesus saying that the body is a temple for the holy spirit and we should treat it as a temple.  God clinched my heart and was not letting me leave my pastor’s office till I confessed.  I did. It was tough.  When my husband and I left we went to get something to eat– they know I haven’t been eating.  We went home and I did a couple of things and then I laid down on my bed and the tears started.  Actually more discriptive the sobs started I cried and cried what seems like a long time.  My husband held me for a long time and adventually I fell asleep.  Today I feel a little drained – not anxious- and not so down and all around better.  Its is amazing how being covered over with prayer is such a blessing

 

till next time……………….

A day or two or maybe a week…..


August 26 taking my son to College, that is 4 hours form home.  It’s been a trying weekend.  We have been very busy we had some work related social events to go to.  I am back to work and thus lots going on.  I have been fighting some depression twinges.  I have felt the darkness sitting across the yard, or the room or the office or where ever I have been.  It’s not sneaking up on me, its sitting there watching me.  It is sitting in a lounge chair relaxed and watching waiting, wanting me to drop my guard or my defences, any sign of weakness to approach.   I have turned my back on it.  Looking to the Lord to protect me, which I know will happen.  The Lord always protects me.  It’s my mind that lets me down and confuses me so I forget that God protects me.  That of course as I have said before, is the pitfalls of a chemically imbalanced brain.

I actually cried today watching my daughter jump on her brother and tickle him as she left for work and he got up to finish packing to move.  I cried again when he showed me the text she sent while she was on the bus to work.  Full of love and sentiment.  Gosh they really do love each other who knew!! (joke).  We are an hour away from the city he is moving to.  I have been sitting in the back of the van doing some  paperwork  for work.  Writing this blog. Thinking about life and things.  Like how the hell did this boy of mine get so old so fast.  When I brought him home from the hospital it seemed like yesterday and I walked around the house for house wondering what to do and then I thought I could put him down.  Maybe I shouldn’t have!  I put him down he grew, but this is what is suppose to happen.  It is truly all good and it is apart of his journey in life and my journey too I am not ready to let the change happen. We went to a party yesterday for my husband’s work, and we were talking to people who were there and they were talking about when they were born,  and I’m thinking darn it I was in school then—I have always been the youngest of groups how did this happen?  The process of aging.  It is something that sneaks up on you.  I still see myself as a young chick and I’m not in my 50’s so yes I am a young chick.  I am just having a change in life and maybe that is what is shocking me.  I have time away from kids and time with my husband.  The parents get older – of which my Mother is still alive and so I look at her and see the needs she will have in the future and see that maybe I will be busier than I think.  But there is another thing in all of this growing up and maturing I am also maturing my faith.  God has shown me he is with me in the good and bad and as I go through these changes in my life he is the constant; the never changing love and creator of life from the beginning, which he set, to the end which he will decide.  I am created loved and apart of a spiritual realm that I cannot explain.  As I think of this realm, I feel the love and warmth of God fill my spirit I am driven to discover know and understand more.  I can feel the darkness move his easy chair back a few feet away from me.  Its times like this when I am tired from lack of sleep and restless,  I am concerned that my son has all that he needs to spread his wings in life, that is when the doubts come and the darkness’ chair moves a few feet closer.  Did I do all I could have done to prepare this boy for this world.  Does he desire to be apart of Gods direction or his own.   Was there more that I could have prepared him for?  Doubts doubts doubts.  They swallow up all that is good and true and solid in my mind.

There is something that God has been revealing to me that I have been trying to understand and I am far from being there, but I think that people with depression can grasp this and handle it better than those who don’t.

Depression reveals a darkness that can pull at you and completely engulf you.  It shows you a dark realm that is at work looking for the weak to devour, and pull down. It is looking for new conquests, and if it does not get you the first time it will follow and try new tactics and try to confuse hurt and bully you into a state of panic.  But this real realm of darkness also has an opposite.  The Realm of Light.   Jesus said he was the light of the world. He was a beacon that reveals itself in the darkness so us dimwitted humans can see the light and follow him.  In the first chapter of John (where I have spent most of my studying this summer) talks about Jesus being with God in the beginning and a light to the darkness but the darkness does not understand.

In my darkest points of this depression I did not understand the light.  The darkness though is a little quicker than I and can easily confuse me into believing that the Light is loud, exposing and lacking love — when it is the darkness that are all these things and the light is love kindness truth.

Its the middle of the week now. The use of hand held divices has kept me connected with my boy and I am feeling better about that.  But the darkness has moved his chair closer today.  He is still just sitting watching I am occupying my mind and body with exercise and cleaning of the house.  I have not been sleeping this week, again!  And am at my wits end about that. Maybe tonight.  Its this sleeplessness that makes resisting the darkness so hard.  I become so tired and unable to think straight that I have a flight or fight feeling come over me and I want to run, where I could care less, but its what I want to do. Tonight however I am trying to relax.  Maybe my occupying of my mind and body has left me unable to relax. Tonight as I write this I am watching the slow rising of the full moon.  The full moon makes me happy.  My Grandfather used to say if you butcher a pig on the growing side of the moon your bacon will not shrink….ah ya I’m not sure about that too.  But a growing moon always makes me feel better… no idea why.

Forgive me for not writting in a while… summertime things have occupied my time I only hope that it has for you too.  In the mean time I will try to fight this darkness watching me and I hope you can too.

till next time…….

In the night


In the quiet of the dawn, it is when my soul relents.

It was the noise of the darkness that made it spent.

The dark things come out to play and dance,

it puts my heart into a  pant.

I do not want the darkness so close

but I can hide there closed in it most.

But there is no peace in the dark hidden places,

It is in the light that peace can be faced.

This tug of war between what I know and what I believe,

it is my good sence that takes its leave

To leave me to fight,

when I want to flight.

So in the quiet of the dawn before the birds morning song

I sit in a heap spent from the things that have gone on.

I neither look to God or to myself,

for I do not know my right from my left.

This is the hunting grounds of confusion


God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

This is the hunting grounds of confusion.  I am doing crafts for Vacation Bible School next week. How do I do this in the confusion of my mind.  The above vs is one of the verses I will be teaching and creating a craft for next week.  I read this and I think: I have been brought to my knees, and beyond in the depth of depression. I know others who have taken their lives or wanted to, or tried to– who suffer from depression.  How do you believe this verse.  These are the things that shake me, these are the things that confuse me.  I know God is love, I know he will not forsake me, but at times like this, how do you believe it.  In the depths of my suffering God has been there, but I was allowed by him to suffer.  Will it end or will I be forever stuck as someone two steps away from crazy, death, or instituionalized.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

God I am in trouble — why do I feel your back against me.  What am I to learn, what am I to know from this, what blessings or punishment am I supposed to get.  It is in these times I know you love me and you watch out for me, but it is at this time I feel like I am the only tracks in the sand as I walk through this dark day,  if you are carrying me, I do not feel it, for I feel face down in the sand.

“My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

My needs! My needs are to feel sane, my needs are to not fall apart, my needs are to feel safe, my needs are to be normal, being able to handle my finances, to handle myself, to be functional, to not hide my breakdowns, to be the me I knew and others used to love, to not be the one people wonder or look at, or talk about as being weird, crazy and different.

I have a tatoo of the triune God symbol on the back of my neck.  This represents that God has my back.  On a night like tonight I feel like something has my back,  but it is not God, it is a darkness and I can’t shake it.

It is late tonight I will try to sleep …. pray for me that I do…… till next time….

till next time…..

Looking the wrong way!


I have spent a week feeling better not back to normal but better.  I still feel like I am on muddy ground since the last wave of depression ripped through my life, but at least I am standing and not face down in the mud.  It was a tough go – as you know if you read my previous blogs.  When I do I can not believe where my mind takes me.  The depth that the mind can take you is unbelievable. The darkness that I felt and seen is something I still can not believe I have experienced.  The things I have put my friends through when I have been out of sorts is embarrassing and shocking, but with out them I could never have gotten this far.  I am sure the same thing can be said by those who go through any life changing event in their lives. I am sure that anyone suffering from illness, loss, or any other heartache can say the same thing.—  How did I get here? where do I go?  Will I ever be normal? Will the pain ever end?

My bible study group this past week we were talking about the holy spirit and the spirit of prophecy and how there are spirits that say they are from God but are not.  Their message does not match the bible’s message. A friend in the study group tells us about a book she read.  It’s a little book called Heaven is for Real, it is written by a pastor whose son almost dies but comes back.  The son is a little boy but comes back and start;s over time, saying all these things about heaven and what he experienced when he was on death’s door.  My friend says something that I wrote down but have been thinking about ever since.  She talks about when she prays she tries to picture what heaven must be like.  She thinks about the majesty of God’s throne and Jesus the lamb of God sitting at his right hand.  She thinks of the angels singing and the grandness of the place where the throne would sit.  This picturing helps her settle her heart so she can remember who she is praying to.  That God is the God of all and creator of the earth the heavens and universe, and all the answers to all things come from him.  There is reverence in her prayers.

It struck me how my prayers have been lately.  I have been side tracked by a tricky mind that lets me down sometimes, gets side tracked by fear and darkness and depression.  It reminds me of a movie the Radiers of the Lost Ark.  The hero ends up in a pit of snakes, and fights them off with a torch of fire.  He is concentrating on the thing he fears that he doesn’t see the bad guys sneak up on him and trap him  in the tomb with the snakes.  My prayers have been in fear.  Instead of looking to God and remembering and imagining what Heaven would be like I was concentrating on keeping my eye on the darkness.  I didn’t want it to sneak up on me but in fact it did– cause it would play tricks on me distract me and keep me from focusing on God so I could pray the prayers and give God the attention that he not only requires, but deserves.  Thank God for the Holy Spirit interceding for me so when I was not correctly praying to God the Holy Spirit could groan to the Lord the prayers I could not pray.  Our focus plays so much on how we do things.  Tonight is Sunday night I have a lovely relaxing weekend.  My house is clean, the laundry is almost done.  I cooked a couple of nice meals,  read a bit took a nap today, but tonight it is still early and I am really tired and I am thinking, is it friday yet? My focus for this week if I keep this attitude will be long and tough.  When in fact I have some neat things to do this week to prepare for the end of the week and I need to relax get some sleep and enjoy what is about to happen this week. God gave me a strong body, a good job and I need to enjoy my work, my home life, and not wish the week away.

So this week I am going to try to keep my thoughts and feelings and prayers on what is heaven like and who is God and Jesus.  And not on the darkness that hides like a spider in the corner of a room, but keep my eyes lifted away from the fear and my heart on God and his majesty where it belongs.

God Bless you — till next time.

Depression and Death


It’s the first week of October and its been a tough one.  I work  for a High School in the office.  I work the front desk, I am the face of the school the first contact and I have a lot of contact with the students.  I live in a large city and there are several High Schools near by.  At two different High Schools we have had two 17 year olds who committed  suicide.  Depression related. My heart breaks for these students families, because they are planning funerals instead of where these kids are going to school next year.  One did it on Monday the second on Tuesday.  I spent most of the day talking to students who were their friends about what depression is like and how dark it is, and that the voices that they were hearing no one could break through. These students are young and dramatic and I don’t think they understood, but I listened and listened and consoled the best I could.

So what do you say? I can tell you what I didn’t say.  I didn’t admit to anything.  I would never tell people that I understand that darkness, that these students faced.  I didn’t tell them that I have seen the road that they traveled down, heard the voices calling down into the darkness.  I have felt the desperation, the loneliness, the isolation of that kind of darkness. How close it has come to me.  It has sat on my back for a day taunting me keeping me in a state of panic, till I could not resist anymore and it smothered me. How that night my husband came home and saved me.  The darkness and its lies are strong.  When you face them and need to fight them it’s not a “lets brighten up ” moment.  It’s a Godly intervention type of moment.  Where you need the prayers of the saints and someone to take your hand and save you.  There is no strength, there is no will, that type of fight, takes it all out of you to the point where you don’t fight, you die.

But for these two boys, they did not die alone.  They may have planned it that way, they may have thought they were totally alone.  But Jesus was with them.  In John 15 Jesus says” though you did not choose me, I choose you” and “You are no longer servants I call you friends”.  Psalm 23″ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me”.  Jesus went with these boys.  A shadow can only be cast when there is a light.  Death is the shadow, God is the light. Jesus made it possible to pass from the dark to light. Jesus said on the cross “forgive them for they do not know what they do”  He was praying to God to forgive the men who were murdering him.  But I think this prayer to his father is also for these two boys for they were surrounded by the darkness and they did not know what they were doing.

If you suffer from depression you can only resist the darkness with the power of the light.  You can only resist the temptation of depression and the voices and the negativity with help from the God who loves you.  We can not do it with out him. If you know someone with depression, be alert.  Anything sudden, mood change from dark to happy or the other way, any thing that makes you stop for the slightest second and wonder where they are heading.  Stop them, be with them, talk to them or maybe just listen.  It may be the life you save.

A few things about my friends son


In this edition I want to talk about my friend’s son. This was a guy that I watched grow up.
I never knew that he suffered as deeply as he did from depression.  On his memorial web site there are hundreds of pictures of this smiling guy.  A compassionate fellow, who was kind to my kids.  My kids were younger and he had a way of making them feel like they were special.  How ?? He listened.  He just listened.  I lost touch with him for a few years while he worked.   The yearly camping trips with his family did not always make a 18 -20 year old feel like hanging with abunch of 30 and 40 year olds who want to hike, swim, have campfires and a few glasses of wine.  But last summer he came.  He spent a week with us and we got him to come on the canoe trip with all 16 or so of us.  He had days he was not withdrawn, some he was.  I regret that I did not  spend a moment and ask him what was up.  It would; for the most part, maybe not have made a difference.  I would like to think it would have.  The day after we found out he was gone.  We went to the parents house and the father, a man of great faith put it all in a nut shell.  He asked God what could he have said to make a difference?Why hadn’t he found or God given him the right words.  Gods reply “he didn’t listen to me.” But God was there When he was at the cross roads of life and death Jesus was standing there as his Shepard.   The lie in his head pulling him away from his family, his God, his life, didn’t allow room for God to talk.  The pastor at his funeral makes this point more accurately

But I’d better tackle what we’re feeling head on:

 is it not precisely God grace, His good favor, that seems to have been
swallowed and removed by this suicide? It’s like the lights have gone out and
we can’t get them back on. It’s like there’s been a grace power failure. I’m
saying, this is how it feels.

For, indeed, grace is not the one and only force
at work on planet earth, and actually, the Scriptures are candid about this. In
Ephesians 6, for example, the Apostle speaks about our struggle against the
evil power of this present darkness. I’m not going to take time to explain
that, but is it not exactly what we sense –this present darkness? Yes, and let
me warn you about something: beware that just when this present darkness is
most stiflingly black, beware of a cool, deadly voice whispering a thought to
your mind, saying,  This is reality.

Darkness, finally, is all there is. You were a fool to hope in God and His
grace; it’s an illusion.”

Beware this cool, deadly whisper because, my
friends, it is a lie. It is the lie the present darkness uses to try and pull
us still farther down, so as to increase its influence on us. But it is a lie.
A lie based on a partial truth, yes, because there is such a thing as darkness,
but when it claims that darkness, hopelessness, is the final, great reality, it
lies. Recognize it and reject it.

For the truth is much greater, and it is this: God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. Furthermore, all the universe God has made is full of light, and joy, and loveliness, and grace. God’s universe is an excellent, happy place, worlds both seen and unseen, full of goodness and light. In fact, in all the wide universe there is only one, tiny corner of it where darkness has got a foothold, namely, this earth. Nevertheless, the overwhelming great reality in the cosmos is the grace and light of God –it’s everywhere.”

Ever have a feeling in your heart – it is a undeniable feeling that you cannot shake.  People tell you;  you are wrong, you see the situation in a incorrect manner.  But you are right you cause you have the feeling.   It’s your feeling, you can’t be wrong in your heart. Sometimes feelings lie.  Have you ever been proven wrong and the feeling in your heart is exposed as a lie and you can’t fathom it, but it is true.  This is what happen to this young man.  The lie of darkness spoke to his heart and we could not convince him otherwise.  We talked to him, we showed him with our way of life, but he did not realize it till he crossed over that it was a lie.  So then what? Is he sentenced to hell because of a lie?  NO and I say it again No.  Things happened long before God knit this soul together in his mom that saved him ,from a earthly lie . Jesus was born, lived died on the cross and rose again. but See the Poem I wrote.

Light Lost

Where are you my friend? I did not know you left.

We saw you as a light rising, Oh you shone so bright.

You stretched your wings, we saw you take flight.

But we never saw the darkness, lurking in the night.

We looked into your eyes, we saw only your light.

That captivating smile, outreach of compassion.

But behind the light,  the lie began to grow with passion.

We knew the darkness lurked, but we only saw your light.

The lie thought he had you, on your final flight.

But the lie did not know. That long ago

You were very small,  and baptized, witnessed by us all.

Upon the forehead and upon the breast

God’s love it always  rests.

The Son of Man, of love, and grace, ask that we bring the children in haste

So the lie has lost , for on the knee of the Son of Man

Forever and ever the light sits by His hand

Forever in God’s love

Forever in God’s Grasp

Never to hear the lie, that has made all us cry.

by GMW

In a nutshell the boy was baptized into God’s family, and no lie, or anything or one else  —  can take you from that loving grasp.

So In conclusion.  Yes there is depression, and yes there are victims from depression, and not the spacey ones you see on TV advertizing pills where the side-effects list is longer than the benefits.  I’m not saying all pills are wrong- there are some good ones prescribed by good doctors.  You just have to find the right doctor and then the right pill.  Most of the time that is the rub.    In God there is hope, love, grace, and joy.  It may not seem  near, but I ask you for one more day, then one more day, the darkness can lift.  See your family, see your doctor, see your friends, or a pastor. Call a crisis line, the operator- anyone.  You will not feel like it; but give it one more day and talk to at least 3 people— it will make all the difference.

Next time there is more on my journey please come back and read some more- till next time

Peace

Godly Women Get the Blues ? ? ?


Women work hard, play hard, love their families, love their God, but sometimes they get the blues.   Blues maybe that is a mild term. Sometimes Godly women can become down right depressed.  Depressed is a mild word, sometimes women can fall into dark holes of despair.  When one falls into that dark hole what do you do?  I have been struggling with depression  for more than a year now.  I didn’t  realized till just  before Christmas 2010.   It was not a  crisis of faith.  If anything God does draws closer to you but the noise of negativity and darkness can be overwhelming. I never knew what was happening till I had my breakdown.  I slowly started to realize what what happening to me.  I was depressed, I was ashamed, I was a women that was incontrol that was out of control. I was afraid, terrified is a better word.  I had no one to turn to; at lease I thought I didn’t.

I wanted to start this blog as a record of my journey through depression, the doctor appointments, the medications and a deeper relationship with God, the tension of friendships, the relationships with my kids and husband and how they are effected. Some of what you read is funny, sad, even scary, but all of what you read is true.

I also want to help those who are going through the same thing.  When friends are too busy to talk, and the darkness seems to close, I hope that you will come search this out. There are answers to the questions about what depression is about, there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Please read on you’ll find anxious moments, you’ll find answers to prayer, you’ll hear stories of deep despair, sadness, addictions and failures.  And maybe you’ll find hopefully a way to cope and way to hope and a way to find peace.