October – believe that fall is here.


It’s the first week in October.  Its cold, I wore a leather coat today.  It is inevitable that winter is coming.  I was born in Canada this isn’t a new thing to me – fall/winter.  But I don’t like being cold, but I am a farm girl, a Canadian girl, grew up in the snow belt, so no more whining about cold – I will suck it up- buy a sweater.

What is new in the life of depression.  Well, two weeks or so on the new drugs and some of the side effects have disappeared.  When I first took them half way through the morning I felt numb, my brain was in a fog.  That seems much better this week.  The shakes, well even they seem a little better.  The anxiety, well still working on that one.  We were to a friend’s place for dinner Sunday night I was doing good for the first half of the night and started to feel my heart pounding and jittery, so I took an anxiety pill and survived over dinner but when we got to desert I was starting to slip.  My husband noticed and told me the little things he does to lift me up.  I was getting tired and I had enough of being with people.  There were 8 of us and I was done.  But we soon left after that.  I went home took my anti-depressant pill in bed by 10:30 awake by 3 am but did manage to get back to sleep this time for an hour or two.  I went to work feeling clearer, a good sign.  I went shopping after work for new dress pants.  I wore some on Sunday that were horribly large on me.  I love those pants but I must have some alterations on them they are a size 4 I bought a nice dress pant size 2 today.  Since my dr. apt a few weeks ago I have lost a little more weight.  I am eating a little more some days.

I have been beating myself up over my weight loss and the lack of appetite and seeing it as a huge sin and on Sunday God and I separated it.  I saw this huge wall that I couldn’t get around.  I was hurting my body and saw that as a sin and yet the darkness I was holding on to.  Sunday God and I separated it.  It is not a wall between me and my father.  It is a condition, caused by first the medication.  I am not hungry, the meds suppress appetite, not my fault.  I eat and I don’t feel well afterwards, to the point of feeling like I could throw up ( I have never done that).  So fear of being ill and the pain of eating keeps me from eating much.  As for God it is the darkness that wants me to believe that it is a wall between me and God. God showed me this weekend that he is separate from that.  My lack of eating and loss of weight that I saw as a sin and keeping me from Gods love, forgiveness, joy.  As I looked at the cross at the front of the church and looked at how smooth and even pretty it was, unthreatening.  I thought about what the cross that Jesus hung on looked like.  Two pieces of  rough wood, large spikes through his hands and feet and how he separated himself from God, the pain the agony the death.  Why? so I could come closer to God, so God and I could have a relationship.  Jesus’ death bridged the distance between me and God over my sin, Jesus took all our sin on him and rose again to be with God so we could be forgiven.  He defeated death and darkness.  But as I have said many times, darkness and depression want you to believe that God does not matter he does not love me and I should not love myself.  That no one cares.  But God loves me dearly and there is no wall between us it was the darkness creating a lie that I could not be loved by God because if my eating issues ( I can’t call them a disorder – yet).  The wall disappeared and the eating issues seem smaller now.

The thought of someone going through depression with no contacts, support groups, no prayers for them, no God.  That darkness is black.  I scares me that someone could be so lost, and yet be in a crowd.  God can conquer all he has done it with me.  Last post I asked God to cover me with his wing so I could hide and prepare for the next day and he covered me came to my heart healed some of the brokeness showed me the light through the window to go another day, another few hours till the next anxiety attack. And he lifted me up so I could love Him and me. Through his word in the bible, through the words spoken on Sunday in the sermon, in the songs I was teaching the Sunday school class, and in the most kindest words from my best friend, God made sure I knew that I was loved and forgiven.

So does that mean I am cured was it a weekend of miraculous healing.  No it was not.  I had the shakes for a bit today, my heart was pounding this afternoon and I felt anxious, it was not an attack but I calmed my spirit and rode the wave.  I nibbled tonight for supper, not a whole lot but I put a little something in me. I feel broken still, not as much as yesterday and maybe less tomorrow.  I am not cured, but in this journey God is showing me his power and I will be cured in due time – God’s time.  In the mean time I write here, pray for those who read these blogs and hope that no one will ever go through depression without talking to God and having him save their heart and soul.

God Bless you and May he show you the way out of the darkness and into the light – where there is peace beyond all understanding and joy and love you can only get through the Father Son and Holy Spirit.  Invite them into your heart and soul, for a brighter and better tomorrow.   Amen

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A few things about my friends son


In this edition I want to talk about my friend’s son. This was a guy that I watched grow up.
I never knew that he suffered as deeply as he did from depression.  On his memorial web site there are hundreds of pictures of this smiling guy.  A compassionate fellow, who was kind to my kids.  My kids were younger and he had a way of making them feel like they were special.  How ?? He listened.  He just listened.  I lost touch with him for a few years while he worked.   The yearly camping trips with his family did not always make a 18 -20 year old feel like hanging with abunch of 30 and 40 year olds who want to hike, swim, have campfires and a few glasses of wine.  But last summer he came.  He spent a week with us and we got him to come on the canoe trip with all 16 or so of us.  He had days he was not withdrawn, some he was.  I regret that I did not  spend a moment and ask him what was up.  It would; for the most part, maybe not have made a difference.  I would like to think it would have.  The day after we found out he was gone.  We went to the parents house and the father, a man of great faith put it all in a nut shell.  He asked God what could he have said to make a difference?Why hadn’t he found or God given him the right words.  Gods reply “he didn’t listen to me.” But God was there When he was at the cross roads of life and death Jesus was standing there as his Shepard.   The lie in his head pulling him away from his family, his God, his life, didn’t allow room for God to talk.  The pastor at his funeral makes this point more accurately

But I’d better tackle what we’re feeling head on:

 is it not precisely God grace, His good favor, that seems to have been
swallowed and removed by this suicide? It’s like the lights have gone out and
we can’t get them back on. It’s like there’s been a grace power failure. I’m
saying, this is how it feels.

For, indeed, grace is not the one and only force
at work on planet earth, and actually, the Scriptures are candid about this. In
Ephesians 6, for example, the Apostle speaks about our struggle against the
evil power of this present darkness. I’m not going to take time to explain
that, but is it not exactly what we sense –this present darkness? Yes, and let
me warn you about something: beware that just when this present darkness is
most stiflingly black, beware of a cool, deadly voice whispering a thought to
your mind, saying,  This is reality.

Darkness, finally, is all there is. You were a fool to hope in God and His
grace; it’s an illusion.”

Beware this cool, deadly whisper because, my
friends, it is a lie. It is the lie the present darkness uses to try and pull
us still farther down, so as to increase its influence on us. But it is a lie.
A lie based on a partial truth, yes, because there is such a thing as darkness,
but when it claims that darkness, hopelessness, is the final, great reality, it
lies. Recognize it and reject it.

For the truth is much greater, and it is this: God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. Furthermore, all the universe God has made is full of light, and joy, and loveliness, and grace. God’s universe is an excellent, happy place, worlds both seen and unseen, full of goodness and light. In fact, in all the wide universe there is only one, tiny corner of it where darkness has got a foothold, namely, this earth. Nevertheless, the overwhelming great reality in the cosmos is the grace and light of God –it’s everywhere.”

Ever have a feeling in your heart – it is a undeniable feeling that you cannot shake.  People tell you;  you are wrong, you see the situation in a incorrect manner.  But you are right you cause you have the feeling.   It’s your feeling, you can’t be wrong in your heart. Sometimes feelings lie.  Have you ever been proven wrong and the feeling in your heart is exposed as a lie and you can’t fathom it, but it is true.  This is what happen to this young man.  The lie of darkness spoke to his heart and we could not convince him otherwise.  We talked to him, we showed him with our way of life, but he did not realize it till he crossed over that it was a lie.  So then what? Is he sentenced to hell because of a lie?  NO and I say it again No.  Things happened long before God knit this soul together in his mom that saved him ,from a earthly lie . Jesus was born, lived died on the cross and rose again. but See the Poem I wrote.

Light Lost

Where are you my friend? I did not know you left.

We saw you as a light rising, Oh you shone so bright.

You stretched your wings, we saw you take flight.

But we never saw the darkness, lurking in the night.

We looked into your eyes, we saw only your light.

That captivating smile, outreach of compassion.

But behind the light,  the lie began to grow with passion.

We knew the darkness lurked, but we only saw your light.

The lie thought he had you, on your final flight.

But the lie did not know. That long ago

You were very small,  and baptized, witnessed by us all.

Upon the forehead and upon the breast

God’s love it always  rests.

The Son of Man, of love, and grace, ask that we bring the children in haste

So the lie has lost , for on the knee of the Son of Man

Forever and ever the light sits by His hand

Forever in God’s love

Forever in God’s Grasp

Never to hear the lie, that has made all us cry.

by GMW

In a nutshell the boy was baptized into God’s family, and no lie, or anything or one else  —  can take you from that loving grasp.

So In conclusion.  Yes there is depression, and yes there are victims from depression, and not the spacey ones you see on TV advertizing pills where the side-effects list is longer than the benefits.  I’m not saying all pills are wrong- there are some good ones prescribed by good doctors.  You just have to find the right doctor and then the right pill.  Most of the time that is the rub.    In God there is hope, love, grace, and joy.  It may not seem  near, but I ask you for one more day, then one more day, the darkness can lift.  See your family, see your doctor, see your friends, or a pastor. Call a crisis line, the operator- anyone.  You will not feel like it; but give it one more day and talk to at least 3 people— it will make all the difference.

Next time there is more on my journey please come back and read some more- till next time

Peace