Sensitive


Sensitivity I have been so sensitive lately.  It’s not getting my own way sensitive.  Its the up and downs of sensitive.  Environmental sensitive, surroundings sensitive. This past weekend I needed to get into the country.  I was raised on a farm and I just need to get out of the city and flex my country roots.

Its strange how the meds push down certain things but heighten other stuff.  Meds can push down feelings.  Like tears of joy, tears in general, being over excited about some things just don’t get a rise out of me.  Standing in front of the congregation I had troubles singing praise songs cause I would get choked up and couldn’t get the words out.  My Daughter would perform at Church or in a music concert and I would cry through the whole thing.  When I dropped my son off at the airport for a mission trip he went on for a month I cried for days afterwards- when my daughter left on her trip last summer I could hardly shed a tear—that had nothing to do with one child or the other I just couldn’t do it.I was on the meds with my daughter.   Then there are other things.  A quick cutting word from a friend, or family cuts me to my heart.  Driving alone to work I can feel the pulling down of my heart. Missing my son who is at college. A sudden change in plans breaks my heart. Being out and not giving my daughter a hug before she goes to bed brings me down.  I have to make a real mental effort to pull myself up and sometimes it doesn’t always work.  Its like throwing mud against a wall.  Some sticks; some don’t– no rhyme or reason.  The meds push down some feelings but don’t push others down that need to be pushed. Stick / don’t stick.

I made my husband take me for a drive this weekend.  Tired of fall prep for winter so we hopped in the car and drove north to a little village and went through some antique stores. The day was sunny and warm, it was good to be in the country.

Sunday I could feel the same old conflict that sometimes happens when I go to church.  I am conducting an experiment.  It was communion and we went to the later service which has all the traditional Lutheran service of chants and readings.  I ignored the conflicts that were peculating in my mind and concentrated on the words I was saying.  I chanted my beliefs in the creeds and in the prayers.  I chanted in my head that all I am hearing is truth.  I believe in this truth. I will say with my mouth the words of truth and place myself in the light of the never ending God.  The negative moved away and left me. Took its seat back in the dark corner – out of sight, but not out of mind.  I felt refreshed after I received the bread and the wine.  God lightened my soul. Praise God.  It was a peace that stayed with me all day.

This morning I went to Facebook to see what bible message my friend had put on for the day.  Sometimes these messages hit the nail on the head sometimes they are convicting.  Today they made me angry. “your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God.  You are not your own, you were brought at a price.  Therefore honour God with your body.” The anger hit me like a ton of bricks.  The negative flew from his chair and in my face, in a moment that I never saw coming and confronted me with a barrage of new challenges and confrontations, and realizations.  I hate this body that God made me.  I do not love myself. It is worthless and should be thrown away.  These were the sudden truths that came from me. I opened a message to send to my friend who put the message on FB.  I opened it and told how I hated the message and hated me, I wrote it about a dozen times and never sent it, no will I.

What is the point of this post?  Hard truths of this illness don’t die. Hard truths of the bible never die, nor would they ever because they are the truth of life and spirit and soul and so many other things that I do not understand, but know they are there because the Lord keeps giving me glimpses.  How?  you may say can you make such statements of God, and hate yourself.  The one personal thing that God has given you.

I have been staring at this for a while now trying to form a answer to this question…………I guess I do not accept that I am a child of God. I hate this untrustworthy body that will not work, and has betrayed me, and I punish it with eating disorders that I am fighting again. Well actually not fighting – giving in.  I still feel angry sometimes for this.  I guess I am shocked by the force of the anger today

I will blame it on the meds– some things stick some do not.

till next time……………..

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Oh Sunny Day


Another beautiful day,  so warm and sunny, just unheard of in May.  Wearing summer sandles and shorts and  how lovely is that!! The past Victoria Day Weekend  was high 20’s sunshine, and swimming and tanning.  I caught up on my vitamin D.  Its been nice to sit and relax, spend some time with friends.  Fall asleep infront of them around the camp fire!  This endless tiredness is driving me nuts.

The rub of it all.  Here are the problems with health issues and it doesn’t have to be mental illness, depression any health issue.  I can’t sleep,  I need to exercise and exhaust myself so I can sleep better.  In order to exercise I need to have the energy to do it.  In order to have the energy to do it I need to eat right and sleep.  My back has been hurting to the point I am taking muscle  relaxers  for it.  If  I want to make my back feel better I need to do core work.  In order to do core work I need to exercise.  In order to do exercise I have to want to and need energy to do it .    See where I am going with this its like a merry go round.   I realize this is the whine of a suffering person, but when you think of it you can do two things;  laugh cause its murphy’s law, and isn’t that just like life, or let it get you down.   These  days I can laugh mostly.  But when I am in most pain or distress, its darn hard not to be down.

I have been feeling better today I have been a little down today.  I searched out a natural  doctor and have gone on some natural supplements to help balance my hormones, my emotions feel better,  but physically I feel like my body is raw  from  the previous hormone treatment I stopped.   I feel like I have  scrapped my insides from top to bottom.  I am not been sad or in darkness for a while just a little down today, which on some levels a sore body is easier to deal with, easier to hide from others, and even a little more functional.  I may be tired but I can suck it up mostly and make it through.  I my body hurts I can pop some Advil and smile and not have to evoke happy feelings.  Feeling on feelings is hard.  Feelings on a sore body is much easier.

I read today a saying that went ” I will live above my thorn,  not under it”  I thought it clever.  This blog seems to talk about the thorn and how I am trying to live through it, tucking my skirt in tight to my knees and trying to wade through water over my head,  not over the thorn.   But that is the purpose of the blog.  Not to whine, but to talk about what happens on the inside of the mind as you cope,  and try to come to a balance of a storm like Depression and mental illness.  Even though I have been suffering for more that a year or two I can swallow the word depression but to see mental illness in print is still hard to take.

I have to say one thing about this storm.  I don’t understand it, or why I have developed it, or if it will ever go away.  But I learned so much about me.  Not just what I can handle or not handle.  But it has solidify some truths with in me. Truths about God that he is the one and only God and Jesus is his son sent to save me from me and my weak flesh.  And the Holy Spirit is my councillor and leads me shows me things of God.  And best of all this storm has made me not afraid to admit it loud and proud.  That is a solid with in me when so many other things are not.

till next time………………………….

Friday TGIF


Well here I am at Friday.  I have been through a lot this week.  My apt with the therapist was hard and emotional.  I haven’t eaten since Sunday night, really – I did manage an egg on Wednesday I think, I am not sure what day it was.  I was sliding into sadness and loneliness again.  I could feel the darkness around me not as thick as before but for a few days it was following me.  Wednesday and Thursday I could not stop shaking, it was bad. It came from the centre of my being and radiated through my body.  My heart would beat fast, and I was having trouble catching my breath.  I was a mess.  There was a reason I was under attack.  My pastor, my best friend (his wife,) and my husband and I had planned a prayer session for me.  In my depression I have seen evil and darkness.  I have felt it rush me, circle me, follow me, engulf me.  Thursday, we covered me over with prayer.  We held hands and they prayed for a while, then they laid hands on me and prayed for me.  I shook like crazy, it was emotional and draining.  God was with me you could feel him.  We asked the Holy Spirit to come to us, we prayed protection not only for me but for them too, our collective children our marriages, it was a very very powerful prayer session.  When it was done we sat and huddled for a bit talked about depression the lies, our relationship with each other, the things I have been through, my therapy appointments.  We went to our respective homes and duties that needed to be done for the rest of the evening.  I went home to an empty house and stared at the ceiling for a while, collected my thoughts, till I had to pick up my daughter from field hockey. Got home, went to bed.

The next day- I tossed and turned a bit through the night but got up in the morning and had my coffee went to work and let the day sink in.  No shaking.  I felt calm, dare I say happy.  The last thing my friend prayed was that the peace that passes all understanding rest on me and there was peace.  Peace that I haven’t felt in quite a while.  I felt God near me, I felt Love well up in my heart where  days before loneliness dwelled. I felt happiness where I had felt sadness.  I went on my lunch break and caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror in the bathroom.  To be honest I had to take a second look. Who was that girl!  There was a gleam in her eye. A happiness in her face. It was wonderful.

So what happened – this is not hocus pocus!  A spell, a trickery, an illusion.    This is real life. This is real God. This is real Love.  If you suffer from depression then you know there is darkness there.  If you suffer from depression you know its a fight to try to trust your mind.  If you suffer from depression you know there are lies that try to steal everything away from you including your life. If you do not suffer you must believe that depression is not sadness it is a fight between good and evil.  When you are suffering you are wounded you are vulnerable. The devil senses that and attacks.  He lies, he misleads,  he tricks. You don’t know what thoughts to trust you don’t know what is truth.  You end up feeling like you are a burden to everyone, and that no one loves you, you isolate, you push away, you hurt yourself for allowing this illness to take all that was solid from you. I stop eating as my punishment.  I hide in my room. I allow the lies to convince myself I have no love and no one has love for me.  I can’t trust people cause they lie, they cheat, they don’t mean what they say.

God is Love he covered me over with his Love and tonight my heart is busting, I am crying at this moment.  Crying has been hard for me I have not been able to cry sad tears.  But these are happy tears.  God is the power of the universe.  He is the creator of the world of you of me.  Jesus is our brother who finds the lost children of God and brings them back. If they want to.  I want to.   Jesus died on the cross to break the bonds of sin.  We prayed in the name of Jesus to break the ropes of lies and darkness that in my weakness attached themselves to me.  Jesus set me free last night. He has wrapped his arms around me as my friends wrapped their loving arms around me last night.  I can still feel it today. God is near and I am drinking from my saucer cause my cup over flows from his Love. How good is God!

Am I cured!  No probably not. But in my weakness God has shown me his strength. In my weakness he has shown me a safe haven. In my weakness God has shown me his great Love, Grace, and  Forgiveness.  Could I have seen this in my strength.  I knew these things before my depression, then did I know them as deeply as I do now? No.  I have a chemical imbalance I am going through a change, that is caused by environment, DNA, hormones, or a combination of all of the above.  God takes these things and uses them to his good.  If you are reading this testimony – it would not be here if I have not been through the darkness of depression and felt a need to express my thoughts.

I pray for you that God may open the eyes of your heart and show you His great power and love.  God Bless you.

Post # 40 “just saying”


Shaky shake.  I have been riding a good wave. Feeling good haven’t really exercised I have put on a couple of pounds all my troubles are far behind.  Then yesterday happened.  I went for apt # three with my therapist.  I felt like I was slipping early in the day.  I felt like I wanted to cry but could not.  I got to my apt and we sat – I sat on the couch again- she beat me to the chair.  Darn! We talked for a bit.  I had printed an email I had sent to my pastor describing what I go through when I start to slip, and the depression hits.  I wanted him to understand my progresson and understand how I fight and how hard it is, I also figured as a pastor it would give him insight into the secret world of the mind during depression.  I had homework to do from when I left last time; to gage my sadness and there wasn’t much to say cause I felt good last week.  However she asked me to read the letter.  I did, then I started to shake, I started to cry and freak out. I don’t know if it was a panic attack or anxiety or what it was.  I do know I lost my composure, had to look into those puppy dog eyes and try to pull it together. I didn’t happen.  We talk some more I get my next assignment and sent on my way.  I don’t go back for two weeks.

So what do I think of this?  I don’t know what to think.  Part of me feels like a failure, I know that is the dark voices talking.  Part of me says I am doing all the right things just hang in there.  Part of me feels embarrassed and less than who I used to be.  I haven’t eaten in two days.  I cook but to look at food makes my stomach turn, I go for a walk. I forced  myself to eat an egg tonight.  Tomorrow – who knows.

The sadness creeps in, the loneliness just sweeps my heart away.  I don’t want to feel this way.  The darkness is closer this time it hasn’t been for a while but it is tonight.  I feel empty.  When I feel like this I think of my friend’s son who killed himself a year ago now.  How empty he must have felt that night.  How lonely was his heart. How sad his soul.  I can feel the path he traveled to get to his end.  I also know that Jesus was there to hold him and save him.

I have hid myself in my room tonight. Reading, some yoga which stretched some muscles but gave me no peace.  So I write this blog and pour out my pain.  Today I shake badly, I haven’t shook that much in a while and it was never-ending.  I could feel it come from the centre of my being.  I was very anxious and a little snappy at people.  People that came to my desk I was ok with on the phone was a different thing.  I email my husband who is on the road.  I text my best friend who is a very busy person and doesn’t need to be bothered at work I don’t want to be a burden but I just want to have someone care.  I feel like no one cares- that is the lie that the devil wants me to buy.  I resist but its hard.  I know the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people in my life.  This weekend I am going away with my best friend from school.  It will be wonderful I have not told her about my depression, so as we do a wine tour in Niagara and sit up all night in our hotel room talking and talking I will confess my downfalls.  But all in all God has been good to me.  Even if my heart cry out in pain and opposes what my soul tells it. My mind hides in the darkness with its hands over its ears so it can’t hear and hands over its eyes so it can’t see while the heart and soul fight for victory over the body.

So where is my God in this.  Where he always is.  At my right hand at the ready when called upon to help me.  So I Praise the Lord for he is Love and Good.  I denounce the devil and all his ways in the name of Jesus Christ the son of God. And I ask that my shepherd keep me in his pen so I can be safe from the wickedness that taunts me and ask that Jesus keeps calling my name so this sheep can hear him and follow.  Amen

r

Good Wave: Hang Ten!!


A week – 7 days, 168 hours, 10 080 minutes, If you sleep 7 hours a day you sleep apx. 49 hours per week 2940 minutes, you are awake 7140 minutes/ week, 119 hours per week, 16 hours a day.
So why the calculations: not to show off my math skills,  but to show movement of time.
A week ago I thought no one loved me
A week ago I sat alone in my hot tub, crying
A week ago I didn’t attend my prayer group, cause I could not pray
A week ago I was refusing to eat
A week ago I was hiding in my bed room from my family, and the world
A week ago I couldn’t read my bible because the words were greek to me.
A week ago I slept maybe 2 to 3 hours a night
A week ago I sat in a bible study on the Holy Spirit,  believing more in the darkness than in the wisdom of the Spirit.
That was a week ago.
This week:
I finished picking a therapist and I am going next Tuesday.  I cleaned my house, cooked a supper and ate it.  I am planning a run tonight.  Last night I slept 6 hours (haven’t done that in weeks)  I read my bible today and today it was english.  I prayed this morning, with the ease and flowing of Spirit.
I am on a wave; a good one.  I almost feel like me and normal.  I (dare I say) feel happy!
Why the difference? Your guess is as good as mine.  The depression is chemical so I guess I am in a good chemical state this week.  I feel like I am stepping out of my house after a horrific storm and the flowers are blooming and the sun shining.  I’ve come to realize I haven’t written much about the good waves, I felt it was necessary to discuss what you do when you are good.
  So what do you do with them?
When my kids were babies, and they napped for an hour or two, in that time I could move heaven and earth during a nap time.  So what do I do in this good wave?  First, I breath, take in the peace and allow it to sink deeply in my soul.  Second, Praise God that he is faithful and loving.  Third – do everything you can think of, while the good wave is here. Its like making the most of a Great Weather Weekend.
Most of all and the most important after Praising God– work on your relationships.  My husband, my rock.   My kids, and  especially my best friends.  So many times these loves have seen me at my lowest, I want to share the normal with them so I can enjoy them and they can enjoy me.   I am a very blessed person, God gave me special friends, a fantastic husband and teens that I don’t want to kill every week.  (just kidding, I have great kids)  Praise the Lord and Thank You God for these special people.
On the days I had asked God to cover me over with his wing like a mother hen, He did.  When I listened to the yelling darkness in my mind, God protected me and whispered truths in my ear.  While I was broken and weary and ready to turn my back on my church, my God, and throw in the towel.  God pulled me on his knee and held me.  He lifted my load and waited till I was ready to receive his peace.
Coming out of a bad wave – my heart feels like the Grinch– it grew three sizes.
Psalm 94 17-19  Unless the Lord had given me help I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.  When I said “My foot is slipping”  your love, O Lord supported me.  When anxiety was great within me your consolation brought joy to my soul
 Poem:
I look to the Heavens and see the stars.
  Where did they come from?
My ears ring from the silence.
  When did the wind stop?
My face is try from raining tears.
  What happened to the water?
The whispering mist and morning pinks.
I breathe! I live!
My breath and heart move as God had set it.
I am a live after the storm
Battered, bruised, but not broken
I am loved, adopted, and saved
Praise ye the Lord.
So I continue on, on this happy wave, hanging ten and loving the reprieve of heaviness, return my hearts love to normal, build my relationship with God and prepare for the next time- there may not be a next time– there maybe many next times.  But I will prepare, enjoy, pray, read, love.

October Dr apt.


October Dr appointment follow up; besides being painful, a flu shot, it was the first Doctor’s appointment that I did not get an increase or change in prescriptions.  I am reprieved for 3 months.  So based on my previous posts in the last weeks how did I do it.  I told her I was feeling much better.  Not a total lie, I am feeling better except for this latest dip.  I have been feeling very sad, lonely and wanting to isolate myself the past week  Been taking my anxiety pills and that has made some things better. I guess you can say I did lie to the Doctor, but for good reason.  Its only been a month since my new pills, and I do not want anymore.  I want 3 months to see how I am doing and adjust.  Most of the side effects are gone from starting a new pill.  I still get dizzy spells, a little shaking but I don’t want to mess with the drugs anymore for now.  We will see what the new year brings.  I gained a huge 2 lbs in the last month so the doctor is not happy, that and another reason not to see her till 3 months, tired of being told off.   I have taken a break from some of my church activities. To be honest I would like to take a break from church, my husband would never let me and the kids need to be there.  I am still playing in the band but I am taking a break from Sunday School Music till the new year and the prayer group.  I am frustrated and tired.  I have been fighting demons over the past few days and I cannot pray any more.  I am in need of sleep and some time alone to gather myself. As this week ends I am not sure if I am sad or tired of the daily struggle.

Is this a new aspect of depression or of the time of year.  I was talking to a friend about Christmas,  I realized I just can not do Christmas this year.  It will be hard enough to get the decorations up.  But it dawned on me how afraid of Christmas I am.   Maybe some of this stress is from in-laws who I have only seen twice since last Christmas.  I have a dinner to go to next month and I am paralyzed at the thought of going.  I feel like I am a bunch of knots inside.

Jesus says in John 14:  do not let your heart be troubled Trust God and trust also in me (Jesus).  but I fear, I tremble,  I am unsure, paranoid.  I hate the helpless feelings that come with the loneliness and brokeness.  John 14:6  Jesus says I am the way the truth and life.  I know these things I know them in my heart, and in my head and in my soul. God also says come all those who are weary, I am weary but I will trust God I will try to resist the lies that I do not need God, church, and friends to complete me.  But everyone depressed or not need these things.

So I again ask God to forgive me in my denial of him, Forgive me in my closing of my heart, Forgive me in my isolation, I need to be under Gods wing and protected from the evil one.  Lord help to hear my Shepard calling my name and finding this lost sheep.  Amen

Happy Thanks Giving


Canada just celebrated Thanks Giving this weekend, it was an amazing weekend.  The weather was hot and sunny.  I sat in my back yard for a couple of afternoons in my bathing suit soaking up the sunshine. Swam in my pool – not so warm, but we relaxed, ate some good food, stayed up too late, and hung out.  All the things you are suppose to do on a long weekend.

So how did my depression do- well I have to say that it did pretty good.  I am quietly optimistic that the side effects are calming down and today even though I am tired, they are calm.  To be honest I am afraid to say it out loud cause they have been good.  I suffer from dizzy spells, and a little shaking ( it never goes away) but all in all I am feeling better.

That is an easy statement to say when you are feeling good.  You can climb any mountain, forge every stream!! Tomorrow I may be face down in a dark hole, but today I bask in the light.

I have been reading a book lately that has been discussing God and life and hardships.  As we go through hardships; and lets face it there is no life, that doesn’t go through hardships, the more we trust God the easier it is to go through them.  God never causes the hardships.  God never orders pain. We suffer from things that are usually our (humans) cause.  Cancer is caused by the chemicals we are putting in this world.  A fatal car accident is caused by a mistake or a drunken driver, or some decision made by someone who causes other things to domino. A break up in marriage is cause by the couples failure somewhere in the relationship.  My depression is caused by chemicals in my brain misfiring.   This world is unpredictable, unsettling, never constant, ever-changing.  What can we count on?  God created every human being and animal on this earth.  God created everything that has breath. We can count on the fact that God made us out of love for us, as his children.  We can count on our reconciliation with God through Jesus‘ death on the cross.  We can count on every word in the bible as truth, and a history of man kind and our Lord. We can count on the Prince of darkness to be eternally jealous of the devotion and love we give God, and will try to trip us up at every chance he gets, and blame God for it every time. But best of all when we screw up, when we are in trouble or when we suffer setbacks and illness and every suffering heart, Jesus cry with us and God uses our bad situations for his good.  He does not wait to punish us or exploit a bad situation.  But he uses bad situations to show us his Love and power, and teach us to love and trust him more.  Have you ever learned anything from having it handed to you?  Has a relationship gotten deeper when everything goes well all the time?  Do you know your true friends when you party with them or when you cry with them?

In this journey of depression, I have had the rug pulled out from under my feet when I never saw it coming, and knocked out cold.  I have taken some large steps forward in my relationship with God.  I have also learned to trust him and I have learned things about myself I never knew before, and I have learned who my true friends are and that they are Great true friends.  In order to do this God slowly showed me each step of the way, what was truth and what was darkness masquerading as truth.  He showed me not to be afraid, and how to listen to him.

Pain and suffering is like a pearl.  In the oysters world a grain of sand is an irritant.  It causes pain in the oyster but over time it creates something beautiful from the trouble.  God takes our pain and troubles and uses them as an opportunity to build a relationship with him and take us to a new level of commitment and love – if we allow him.  God never said there would be no pain in this world.  He did say we would never face it alone. We have the Father, Son and Holy Spirit to guide protect and lead us in this troubled world.

Till next time God’s Blessings