Friday TGIF


Well here I am at Friday.  I have been through a lot this week.  My apt with the therapist was hard and emotional.  I haven’t eaten since Sunday night, really – I did manage an egg on Wednesday I think, I am not sure what day it was.  I was sliding into sadness and loneliness again.  I could feel the darkness around me not as thick as before but for a few days it was following me.  Wednesday and Thursday I could not stop shaking, it was bad. It came from the centre of my being and radiated through my body.  My heart would beat fast, and I was having trouble catching my breath.  I was a mess.  There was a reason I was under attack.  My pastor, my best friend (his wife,) and my husband and I had planned a prayer session for me.  In my depression I have seen evil and darkness.  I have felt it rush me, circle me, follow me, engulf me.  Thursday, we covered me over with prayer.  We held hands and they prayed for a while, then they laid hands on me and prayed for me.  I shook like crazy, it was emotional and draining.  God was with me you could feel him.  We asked the Holy Spirit to come to us, we prayed protection not only for me but for them too, our collective children our marriages, it was a very very powerful prayer session.  When it was done we sat and huddled for a bit talked about depression the lies, our relationship with each other, the things I have been through, my therapy appointments.  We went to our respective homes and duties that needed to be done for the rest of the evening.  I went home to an empty house and stared at the ceiling for a while, collected my thoughts, till I had to pick up my daughter from field hockey. Got home, went to bed.

The next day- I tossed and turned a bit through the night but got up in the morning and had my coffee went to work and let the day sink in.  No shaking.  I felt calm, dare I say happy.  The last thing my friend prayed was that the peace that passes all understanding rest on me and there was peace.  Peace that I haven’t felt in quite a while.  I felt God near me, I felt Love well up in my heart where  days before loneliness dwelled. I felt happiness where I had felt sadness.  I went on my lunch break and caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror in the bathroom.  To be honest I had to take a second look. Who was that girl!  There was a gleam in her eye. A happiness in her face. It was wonderful.

So what happened – this is not hocus pocus!  A spell, a trickery, an illusion.    This is real life. This is real God. This is real Love.  If you suffer from depression then you know there is darkness there.  If you suffer from depression you know its a fight to try to trust your mind.  If you suffer from depression you know there are lies that try to steal everything away from you including your life. If you do not suffer you must believe that depression is not sadness it is a fight between good and evil.  When you are suffering you are wounded you are vulnerable. The devil senses that and attacks.  He lies, he misleads,  he tricks. You don’t know what thoughts to trust you don’t know what is truth.  You end up feeling like you are a burden to everyone, and that no one loves you, you isolate, you push away, you hurt yourself for allowing this illness to take all that was solid from you. I stop eating as my punishment.  I hide in my room. I allow the lies to convince myself I have no love and no one has love for me.  I can’t trust people cause they lie, they cheat, they don’t mean what they say.

God is Love he covered me over with his Love and tonight my heart is busting, I am crying at this moment.  Crying has been hard for me I have not been able to cry sad tears.  But these are happy tears.  God is the power of the universe.  He is the creator of the world of you of me.  Jesus is our brother who finds the lost children of God and brings them back. If they want to.  I want to.   Jesus died on the cross to break the bonds of sin.  We prayed in the name of Jesus to break the ropes of lies and darkness that in my weakness attached themselves to me.  Jesus set me free last night. He has wrapped his arms around me as my friends wrapped their loving arms around me last night.  I can still feel it today. God is near and I am drinking from my saucer cause my cup over flows from his Love. How good is God!

Am I cured!  No probably not. But in my weakness God has shown me his strength. In my weakness he has shown me a safe haven. In my weakness God has shown me his great Love, Grace, and  Forgiveness.  Could I have seen this in my strength.  I knew these things before my depression, then did I know them as deeply as I do now? No.  I have a chemical imbalance I am going through a change, that is caused by environment, DNA, hormones, or a combination of all of the above.  God takes these things and uses them to his good.  If you are reading this testimony – it would not be here if I have not been through the darkness of depression and felt a need to express my thoughts.

I pray for you that God may open the eyes of your heart and show you His great power and love.  God Bless you.

Post # 40 “just saying”


Shaky shake.  I have been riding a good wave. Feeling good haven’t really exercised I have put on a couple of pounds all my troubles are far behind.  Then yesterday happened.  I went for apt # three with my therapist.  I felt like I was slipping early in the day.  I felt like I wanted to cry but could not.  I got to my apt and we sat – I sat on the couch again- she beat me to the chair.  Darn! We talked for a bit.  I had printed an email I had sent to my pastor describing what I go through when I start to slip, and the depression hits.  I wanted him to understand my progresson and understand how I fight and how hard it is, I also figured as a pastor it would give him insight into the secret world of the mind during depression.  I had homework to do from when I left last time; to gage my sadness and there wasn’t much to say cause I felt good last week.  However she asked me to read the letter.  I did, then I started to shake, I started to cry and freak out. I don’t know if it was a panic attack or anxiety or what it was.  I do know I lost my composure, had to look into those puppy dog eyes and try to pull it together. I didn’t happen.  We talk some more I get my next assignment and sent on my way.  I don’t go back for two weeks.

So what do I think of this?  I don’t know what to think.  Part of me feels like a failure, I know that is the dark voices talking.  Part of me says I am doing all the right things just hang in there.  Part of me feels embarrassed and less than who I used to be.  I haven’t eaten in two days.  I cook but to look at food makes my stomach turn, I go for a walk. I forced  myself to eat an egg tonight.  Tomorrow – who knows.

The sadness creeps in, the loneliness just sweeps my heart away.  I don’t want to feel this way.  The darkness is closer this time it hasn’t been for a while but it is tonight.  I feel empty.  When I feel like this I think of my friend’s son who killed himself a year ago now.  How empty he must have felt that night.  How lonely was his heart. How sad his soul.  I can feel the path he traveled to get to his end.  I also know that Jesus was there to hold him and save him.

I have hid myself in my room tonight. Reading, some yoga which stretched some muscles but gave me no peace.  So I write this blog and pour out my pain.  Today I shake badly, I haven’t shook that much in a while and it was never-ending.  I could feel it come from the centre of my being.  I was very anxious and a little snappy at people.  People that came to my desk I was ok with on the phone was a different thing.  I email my husband who is on the road.  I text my best friend who is a very busy person and doesn’t need to be bothered at work I don’t want to be a burden but I just want to have someone care.  I feel like no one cares- that is the lie that the devil wants me to buy.  I resist but its hard.  I know the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people in my life.  This weekend I am going away with my best friend from school.  It will be wonderful I have not told her about my depression, so as we do a wine tour in Niagara and sit up all night in our hotel room talking and talking I will confess my downfalls.  But all in all God has been good to me.  Even if my heart cry out in pain and opposes what my soul tells it. My mind hides in the darkness with its hands over its ears so it can’t hear and hands over its eyes so it can’t see while the heart and soul fight for victory over the body.

So where is my God in this.  Where he always is.  At my right hand at the ready when called upon to help me.  So I Praise the Lord for he is Love and Good.  I denounce the devil and all his ways in the name of Jesus Christ the son of God. And I ask that my shepherd keep me in his pen so I can be safe from the wickedness that taunts me and ask that Jesus keeps calling my name so this sheep can hear him and follow.  Amen

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