Post # 40 “just saying”


Shaky shake.  I have been riding a good wave. Feeling good haven’t really exercised I have put on a couple of pounds all my troubles are far behind.  Then yesterday happened.  I went for apt # three with my therapist.  I felt like I was slipping early in the day.  I felt like I wanted to cry but could not.  I got to my apt and we sat – I sat on the couch again- she beat me to the chair.  Darn! We talked for a bit.  I had printed an email I had sent to my pastor describing what I go through when I start to slip, and the depression hits.  I wanted him to understand my progresson and understand how I fight and how hard it is, I also figured as a pastor it would give him insight into the secret world of the mind during depression.  I had homework to do from when I left last time; to gage my sadness and there wasn’t much to say cause I felt good last week.  However she asked me to read the letter.  I did, then I started to shake, I started to cry and freak out. I don’t know if it was a panic attack or anxiety or what it was.  I do know I lost my composure, had to look into those puppy dog eyes and try to pull it together. I didn’t happen.  We talk some more I get my next assignment and sent on my way.  I don’t go back for two weeks.

So what do I think of this?  I don’t know what to think.  Part of me feels like a failure, I know that is the dark voices talking.  Part of me says I am doing all the right things just hang in there.  Part of me feels embarrassed and less than who I used to be.  I haven’t eaten in two days.  I cook but to look at food makes my stomach turn, I go for a walk. I forced  myself to eat an egg tonight.  Tomorrow – who knows.

The sadness creeps in, the loneliness just sweeps my heart away.  I don’t want to feel this way.  The darkness is closer this time it hasn’t been for a while but it is tonight.  I feel empty.  When I feel like this I think of my friend’s son who killed himself a year ago now.  How empty he must have felt that night.  How lonely was his heart. How sad his soul.  I can feel the path he traveled to get to his end.  I also know that Jesus was there to hold him and save him.

I have hid myself in my room tonight. Reading, some yoga which stretched some muscles but gave me no peace.  So I write this blog and pour out my pain.  Today I shake badly, I haven’t shook that much in a while and it was never-ending.  I could feel it come from the centre of my being.  I was very anxious and a little snappy at people.  People that came to my desk I was ok with on the phone was a different thing.  I email my husband who is on the road.  I text my best friend who is a very busy person and doesn’t need to be bothered at work I don’t want to be a burden but I just want to have someone care.  I feel like no one cares- that is the lie that the devil wants me to buy.  I resist but its hard.  I know the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people in my life.  This weekend I am going away with my best friend from school.  It will be wonderful I have not told her about my depression, so as we do a wine tour in Niagara and sit up all night in our hotel room talking and talking I will confess my downfalls.  But all in all God has been good to me.  Even if my heart cry out in pain and opposes what my soul tells it. My mind hides in the darkness with its hands over its ears so it can’t hear and hands over its eyes so it can’t see while the heart and soul fight for victory over the body.

So where is my God in this.  Where he always is.  At my right hand at the ready when called upon to help me.  So I Praise the Lord for he is Love and Good.  I denounce the devil and all his ways in the name of Jesus Christ the son of God. And I ask that my shepherd keep me in his pen so I can be safe from the wickedness that taunts me and ask that Jesus keeps calling my name so this sheep can hear him and follow.  Amen

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Good Wave: Hang Ten!!


A week – 7 days, 168 hours, 10 080 minutes, If you sleep 7 hours a day you sleep apx. 49 hours per week 2940 minutes, you are awake 7140 minutes/ week, 119 hours per week, 16 hours a day.
So why the calculations: not to show off my math skills,  but to show movement of time.
A week ago I thought no one loved me
A week ago I sat alone in my hot tub, crying
A week ago I didn’t attend my prayer group, cause I could not pray
A week ago I was refusing to eat
A week ago I was hiding in my bed room from my family, and the world
A week ago I couldn’t read my bible because the words were greek to me.
A week ago I slept maybe 2 to 3 hours a night
A week ago I sat in a bible study on the Holy Spirit,  believing more in the darkness than in the wisdom of the Spirit.
That was a week ago.
This week:
I finished picking a therapist and I am going next Tuesday.  I cleaned my house, cooked a supper and ate it.  I am planning a run tonight.  Last night I slept 6 hours (haven’t done that in weeks)  I read my bible today and today it was english.  I prayed this morning, with the ease and flowing of Spirit.
I am on a wave; a good one.  I almost feel like me and normal.  I (dare I say) feel happy!
Why the difference? Your guess is as good as mine.  The depression is chemical so I guess I am in a good chemical state this week.  I feel like I am stepping out of my house after a horrific storm and the flowers are blooming and the sun shining.  I’ve come to realize I haven’t written much about the good waves, I felt it was necessary to discuss what you do when you are good.
  So what do you do with them?
When my kids were babies, and they napped for an hour or two, in that time I could move heaven and earth during a nap time.  So what do I do in this good wave?  First, I breath, take in the peace and allow it to sink deeply in my soul.  Second, Praise God that he is faithful and loving.  Third – do everything you can think of, while the good wave is here. Its like making the most of a Great Weather Weekend.
Most of all and the most important after Praising God– work on your relationships.  My husband, my rock.   My kids, and  especially my best friends.  So many times these loves have seen me at my lowest, I want to share the normal with them so I can enjoy them and they can enjoy me.   I am a very blessed person, God gave me special friends, a fantastic husband and teens that I don’t want to kill every week.  (just kidding, I have great kids)  Praise the Lord and Thank You God for these special people.
On the days I had asked God to cover me over with his wing like a mother hen, He did.  When I listened to the yelling darkness in my mind, God protected me and whispered truths in my ear.  While I was broken and weary and ready to turn my back on my church, my God, and throw in the towel.  God pulled me on his knee and held me.  He lifted my load and waited till I was ready to receive his peace.
Coming out of a bad wave – my heart feels like the Grinch– it grew three sizes.
Psalm 94 17-19  Unless the Lord had given me help I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.  When I said “My foot is slipping”  your love, O Lord supported me.  When anxiety was great within me your consolation brought joy to my soul
 Poem:
I look to the Heavens and see the stars.
  Where did they come from?
My ears ring from the silence.
  When did the wind stop?
My face is try from raining tears.
  What happened to the water?
The whispering mist and morning pinks.
I breathe! I live!
My breath and heart move as God had set it.
I am a live after the storm
Battered, bruised, but not broken
I am loved, adopted, and saved
Praise ye the Lord.
So I continue on, on this happy wave, hanging ten and loving the reprieve of heaviness, return my hearts love to normal, build my relationship with God and prepare for the next time- there may not be a next time– there maybe many next times.  But I will prepare, enjoy, pray, read, love.

Doctor Apt.


Doctor’s appointment today and right after a busy weekend.

First off the weekend.  I felt like a normal person.  Almost me!.  It was a very busy weekend.  Saturday I spent most of the day at a Women’s conference which was wonderful.  I spoke for apx. 40 minutes on Fellowship.  It was a well written piece of work and I enjoyed giving it and I enjoyed speaking God‘s word.  It was a joy to do and I felt like a instrument of God’s plan.  I felt so blessed by the whole event.  I felt God had given me the words it all fell into place quickly and in the end when I was praying the last prayer it was a situation where I opened my mouth and God just had the words fall out.   It was one of those rare times in life where you don’t mind being used. At least used by God. But there is an even better part to all of Saturday, I did it without any anxiety meds. I did it on my own.  That makes the whole event even that more special to me.  Praise the Lord.

Sunday I was feeling still pretty up.  The youth band I play in was playing at an out door service and it went over well.  Everyone was happy with the music it was good.  I started to shake about half way through the service, I was starting to get that I have to run away feeling.  It could have had to do with the fact that there was a bbq happening after the service and I didn’t want to eat. I spent the time packing up equipment which I needed to do but I was trying to avoid the food table.  It wasn’t a “I’ll get fat thing” this is nothing to do with that.  Its like being afraid of heights and you have to walk over a high rope bridge to get to work everyday, and your scared to death to do it.  The thought of eating just makes me feel ill.  I really have to force myself to put food in my mouth.  Seeing this in writing just makes me feel so ashamed.  I was not feeling well to begin with Sunday, I taught my children to share.  Except that they shared their cold with me.  What ever the reason, I was popping my anxiety meds, and they helped.  We came home, my husband and I exhausted.  We hit the hot tub had a large cold beer and went to bed.   I woke up at 1am and proceeded to toss and turn the rest of the night.  But I got up this morning feeling ok so its good. Just suffering with a cold and tired.

The Doctor’s appointment.

I had a long talk with her about all the things I have been feeling; the change in no more panic attacks, just anxiety, the lack of food  the amount of weight I have lost – I weigh less than my 15-year-old daughter – and most of my cloths don’t fit, and the ones I bought in late August to go back to work in are too big for me and I haven’t worn them yet.  My Doctor doesn’t want me to lose anymore weight.  Wants me to buy ensure to keep me healthy.  Something I didn’t know about the antidepressants I am on they surpress your appitite.  So when I am around food the reaction I am having has alot to do with the meds and also the depression.  My doctor explained its a fine line in balancing meds, food, and depression.  So the answer to the sadness that seems to come on out of nowhere.  More meds.  I am now on two anti depressants and one anti anxiety meds.  The side effects!!  well guess what?  the second one also is a appitite surpressant and my doctor wants me to be even more vigilant in my eating.  Its hard now – what next.  The good news (there is actually some – just a little) The additional meds should help me shake less.  We’ll see about that.

In conclusion I am not sure about the additional meds but I am trusting the doctor and if I get worse I am going off everything.  If it helps then Great I just want to be me, I was so close to being me on the weekend, I hurt for it.

Im trying to be optomistic but I don’t want to eat- here is some honesty for you- I know this is a sin but its a darkness that I am hiding in and I don’t want to come out.  That is the truth, that is what I was praying about when I was kneeling at the communion rail on Sunday asking God to forgive the darkness that I don’t want to come out of, and I don’t know why I don’t want to leave. I have so many thoughts swirling around me in regards to this and I can’t understand any of it.  Is it the meds, is it the darkness is it the depression????I don’t know. Its just such a barrier I can’t see around it. I don’t to tear it down.

My husband if he was reading this and I won’t let him read the blogs, he would say what is truth?? The truth is God loves me I preached it all weekend how can I not trust him.  But I do trust him, I do love him, I know he is right, I know the doctor is right, I know all these things.  I know How Great is my God. I have a special relationship with God, he is my all and all.  I guess that is what I have to pray before I eat.  God you are my all and all, you give me it all and help me to be a good steward of the talents you give me.  I want to be fruitful and partake of the fruits of the spirit.  Lord lead me each day in this journey Amen.

June continued


The darkness prowles, But the light shines.

The darkness is quiet, The light is bold.

The darkness whispers lies, The light shouts truth

The darkness trys to steal; bit by bit, The light holds a loving embrace

The darkness slips here or there, The light stands for all to see.

The darkness is hate, The light is love.

God always hold me in your love and protect me from the darkness.

Journal entry June 8, 2011 ” Being dragged on down, I am still unsettled I am not sure why, but it is a constant fight between heart and mind.  I hear the negative voices reoccuring, voices that will not let me go.  Eight track tape going on and on.  I am trying to get it to let go.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  I walk and listen to music to drown it out.  I am feeling hasselled I can not get it to stop. Lord help me.  “

June has not been an easy month and its only the 25.  I had another panic attack this week. It was building all week.  The week before I was just sad.  Sit like a lump sad.  I think the people are realizing at work that something isn’t right- my greatest fear.  This week it started to build Sunday, and I slipped each day slowly untill I was having a panic attack in my doctors office.  I was there for 40 minutes.  I felt foolish. insaine.  But it was good.  As I stated earlier, I have a great Doctor I completely trust her and she knows me well.  So this was an eye opener for her to see me in such a state.  The result. Drugs.  I am not entirely comfortable with them. She upped my anti-depressents and perscribed anti-anxiety (incase of emergency break glass) drugs.  I went to the drug store bought them, went back to work stared at them for an hour and took one. I was anxious, I was coming down from the panic, but was trying to get it together, it was an emergency.  It worked.  I came down, could concentrate, finish all I had to do and go home feeling better.  I woke the next day calmer. Praise the Lord.  Now they are my security blanket.  I carry them around in my purse, just having them near makes me feel better.  But the rub– there always is isn’t there.  They are very strong and powerful and addictive. This last event with my doctor, makes me more concerned about my mental state. I need to seek a counciler, I need more than to bother friends and read some excelent books on how to cope. I just have to ask.  I have been carrying around with me all week a EAP pamflet from work.  I have great benefits and free counciling.  But I want to go to a christian. I can’t pick up the phone and call stranger.  I have tried several times this week. My doctor told me to go to my pastor.  There are christian agencies and I maybe able to go there. 

The thing of it all.  I need to talk to someone, I talk here to you, I talk to God. God listens- he talks to me. I don’t like the drugs but they are working today, so I am happy.  But a line was crossed this week that made this  mild case of the blues to something more.  Maybe its part of the depression but it frightens me more. But that is a huge part of depression. Fear. Sadness.  Anger I have been very angry this month.  My bible study was studying the fruits of the spirit, gentleness, kindness, self control.  I felt none of these, it made me more than angry.  I lashed out at a friend who was giving me a wonderful birthday message earier this month.  She said I didn’t she didn’t take it that way.  But I was angry over her encouraging nice words. I don’t feel them.  In this wave, I have felt pathitic, and ashamed, resentment, extreem jealously, fear- scared out of my wits is better discription. So where is my God in all of this. He is there.  He promised he would be.  In the book I am reading it says Though we break God’s heart sometimes, he loves us still. That promise goes back to the beginning when in the garden of Eden and Eve disobeyed God when she ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and shared it with her husband, Adam, we lost our place in Paradise.  Sin became our birthright.  But God in His grace and mercy promised deliverance before he Banished Adam and Eve.  We are travelers through this world back to our Paradise with God.  We have storms to go through, this latest wave is yet another storm.  But God is holding me. Giving me people to help me.  Helping me to realize what I need to brave the storm and to put me in a cleft to ride it out.  The last couple of days have been good.  I practiced with my youth band today and sang my heart out in praise, and ment it. Tomorrow I deliver the children’s message- a little nervious. But feeling stronger, and I will be standing in God’s house so where better to feel his strength surrounded by people who love me, and God himself. The darkness may have been dark. But Gods light is always bright.  He is leading me on this journey – its becoming a journey of discovery. I have been realizing just how much God is there for me, the control freak and he is in control- I have just been discovering how deep with in me he lives.

Peace to you from this week talk to you later….

in the beginning


I have been suffering from depression for apx  a year now.  I didn’t realize it at first.  Some days were great, some days I was sad. I would be angry and then ok again.  It wasn’t till November 2010 that I realized that I was not in a good place.  At first I thought that I was sad or angry because I was too busy.  I am a mother of two teens, I work full time, husband, house, I volunteer at church doing Sunday School music, I play in a worship band. I work out, run,  I thought it was burning a candle at both ends.  Some nights I didn’t sleep, some Saturdays I slept in the afternoons for hours. I got hot flashes in the night.  Ya menopause and all its glory was reaking havic on me.  I have been getting the hot flashes since my first child was born. He’s now 18.  They never really bothered me that much you just get used to them.  But then the emotional things started happening.  I would feel sad for days.  I started having a never ending dialog running through my head, about how I would handle some situation that really made me angry, sometimes how I would put someone in their place who disappointed me.  These dialogs ran on and on.  At one point I was out for a run and the angry voices in my head arguing over what my mother-in-law had said to me were so loud and making me so crazy; I physically stopped in my tracks and yelled out loud for the on going tape to “stop”, and turned around and ran in the other direction.  There were cars on the road they must have thought I had totally lost it, and I felt as if I had.  In my journals I wrote about searching for joy and peace and never finding it.  I could not figure out why.  Did I doubt God was there to look after me? Did I not see that he loved me more and more and I needed to cultivate this relationship and make it grow.  I was reading my bible, praying, meditating but I did not feel peace.

Then Christmas started to come near.  A time of year all Christians rejoice and enjoy peace on earth to all men.  I was just mad! Then my friends son committed suicide.  He was 22 a wonderful, funny, brilliant artist.  He grew up in a good home, good parents, great grades in high school, but suffered from depression, deeply, deeply.   He believed the lie presented to him in his mind.  I am unworthy, I m better dead, I am unable to go on one more day.  – – – – all lies – – – – – over 300 people came to his funeral. He was not unloved, he was loved.  But unlike what you see on TV when they talk about depression — people sitting staring out like they are spacey or something, but depression is not quiet.  It is not just sadness. There is a storm going on in your mind.  Dare I say voices? Your voice arguing with the demons that are in there wanting to convince you that you are worthless and no one cares, and you are nothing but a speck of sand.  The lies scream over and over and over they make you doubt everything you believe, they make you question your life your direction, the power of your God. You know that the storm is not right, and then you get scared.  What is happening to you? what will people think? You want to cry for help, but you can’t.  I belong to a church where I have people there to help me,people to talk to, my pastor and friend would listen to me counsel me but I am in a worship band, I sing and praise God in front of everyone, I lead Sunday School music.  If they know the depth of my illness the depth of my depression, they will think I am crazy- I am not crazy, I want to help people I want to be a useful member of church, my work place, my home.  But I am falling into a hole that swallows me up and I am not sure if I can get out of it.

Christmas was aweful.  I tried to make it best for the kids my husband, but I couldn’t stomach it.  I put 1/2 of the decorations up- I go nuts usually with decorations even in the washrooms. Not this year.  I couldn’t cook.  Praise the Lord for cooked chickens at Costco! and the 101 things you can do with it.  My Mother-on-law thought I was just being a snob, and called me a “poop!” cause she was disgusted with me.  I couldn’t tell her that I was in a dark hole the I was trying to get out of.  She already doesn’t like me I couldn’t give her another reason to think badly of me.  I struggled through.  And then I got better I felt happier for a while.   I am going to stop here in this journey for now.

I guess the point of this post is that as the realization hit, that I was going through some troubling times, God was near. I felt that I was alone from him.  I felt as if there was a cloud between us –but that was my own mind creating it, when I was at my most down He drew closer. But the lie likes to take these moment when God draws near and try to confuse you.  Its the lies  way of doing things, confuse, distract, hurt.   The more I felt down the more I meditated on Gods word and I felt relef, not peace but a little better.  Our God is  a Mighty God, and when I was lowest He showed me His Great love, and Grace that is so abounding , these simple words can’t not do it justice.  Just know He is there for the asking.  Ask and ye shall receive seek and ye shall find knock and the Lord will open the door.  You will find Him and the love, joy, and peace that goes with it.  More to come next time please come again and read.