Shaky shake. I have been riding a good wave. Feeling good haven’t really exercised I have put on a couple of pounds all my troubles are far behind. Then yesterday happened. I went for apt # three with my therapist. I felt like I was slipping early in the day. I felt like I wanted to cry but could not. I got to my apt and we sat – I sat on the couch again- she beat me to the chair. Darn! We talked for a bit. I had printed an email I had sent to my pastor describing what I go through when I start to slip, and the depression hits. I wanted him to understand my progresson and understand how I fight and how hard it is, I also figured as a pastor it would give him insight into the secret world of the mind during depression. I had homework to do from when I left last time; to gage my sadness and there wasn’t much to say cause I felt good last week. However she asked me to read the letter. I did, then I started to shake, I started to cry and freak out. I don’t know if it was a panic attack or anxiety or what it was. I do know I lost my composure, had to look into those puppy dog eyes and try to pull it together. I didn’t happen. We talk some more I get my next assignment and sent on my way. I don’t go back for two weeks.
So what do I think of this? I don’t know what to think. Part of me feels like a failure, I know that is the dark voices talking. Part of me says I am doing all the right things just hang in there. Part of me feels embarrassed and less than who I used to be. I haven’t eaten in two days. I cook but to look at food makes my stomach turn, I go for a walk. I forced myself to eat an egg tonight. Tomorrow – who knows.
The sadness creeps in, the loneliness just sweeps my heart away. I don’t want to feel this way. The darkness is closer this time it hasn’t been for a while but it is tonight. I feel empty. When I feel like this I think of my friend’s son who killed himself a year ago now. How empty he must have felt that night. How lonely was his heart. How sad his soul. I can feel the path he traveled to get to his end. I also know that Jesus was there to hold him and save him.
I have hid myself in my room tonight. Reading, some yoga which stretched some muscles but gave me no peace. So I write this blog and pour out my pain. Today I shake badly, I haven’t shook that much in a while and it was never-ending. I could feel it come from the centre of my being. I was very anxious and a little snappy at people. People that came to my desk I was ok with on the phone was a different thing. I email my husband who is on the road. I text my best friend who is a very busy person and doesn’t need to be bothered at work I don’t want to be a burden but I just want to have someone care. I feel like no one cares- that is the lie that the devil wants me to buy. I resist but its hard. I know the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people in my life. This weekend I am going away with my best friend from school. It will be wonderful I have not told her about my depression, so as we do a wine tour in Niagara and sit up all night in our hotel room talking and talking I will confess my downfalls. But all in all God has been good to me. Even if my heart cry out in pain and opposes what my soul tells it. My mind hides in the darkness with its hands over its ears so it can’t hear and hands over its eyes so it can’t see while the heart and soul fight for victory over the body.
So where is my God in this. Where he always is. At my right hand at the ready when called upon to help me. So I Praise the Lord for he is Love and Good. I denounce the devil and all his ways in the name of Jesus Christ the son of God. And I ask that my shepherd keep me in his pen so I can be safe from the wickedness that taunts me and ask that Jesus keeps calling my name so this sheep can hear him and follow. Amen